Are Your Friends Holding You Back?! Julien Blanc Reveals How To Deal With Difficult & Toxic People


– This is Julien, I’m
here in Oslo, Norway. And what we’re gonna jump
into here is a segment from last night’s live event where I talk about how to
deal with toxic people. You know those people that
just bring you down in life, all your dreams is like you can’t do that, who are you kidding. Hey, stay down here with the rest of us. Those people who trigger you, those people that just make
you feel like absolute crap. Okay, we all have some
people like that in our lives and the advice that we tend to hear is hey just cut them off, right. How to deal with toxic
people, cut them off. Just cut them out of your
life, problem solved. However, there’s a lot
more to it than that. They’re a lot more nuances and
that’s what I talk about here so, sit back pay attention
and as always enjoy. (electronic music) (crowd screaming over electronic music) This is a little more nuanced
than we’re led to believe. You hear how to deal with toxic people, cut ’em out of your life. That’s like the default. You know what to do, cut them out. And although this, in some situations, can be the right advice. What I tend to see is people
just cut out everyone. You know why? ‘Cause it’s easy to cut
someone out of your life. Surround yourself with
only successful people, fuck the toxic people, fuck the people who pull you down. You know what, fuck all you
guys and now you’re alone. And I’ll see people by
the way who come up to me. It’s like Julien I followed
the cut them out of my life and now I’m alone. (audience laughing) I’m like yeah (Julien laughs). You know why ’cause it’s easier to cut someone out of your life than to become friends with someone new or to bring someone new into your life. And even if you were to bring
someone new into your life, here’s the other trap. Not only do people just
cut them out immediately, as soon as they bring
someone new into their life, they use this idea of
someone who brings me down, someone’s who’s toxic cut them out to judge the person and
as soon as the person makes one little mistake or even worse, disagrees with
them, you’re toxic, cut out and end up alone or they end
up surrounded with people who just agree with them all the time. So there’s lot of subtleties. We tend to think someone
who disagrees with me, they’re toxic, they’re bringing me down. No, maybe you’re wrong. Maybe them disagreeing with you allows you to broaden your perspective. If you’re just surrounded with people who disagree with you all
the time, you’re fucked. You need people who challenge you. Owen and I talk about this all the time. We create this council of opposing views. You don’t want to get lost in the fairytale land of one thing. The same with, we talked
about before, fuck work ethic. In a certain paradigm, work
ethic is actually great. I’ll surround my self with people who just only preach about work ethic. I’ll surround myself with people who hate transformation mastery. I surround myself with
people who are optimistic. I surround with people
who are pessimistic. I surround myself with people
who are extremely successful. I surround myself with toxic
people who are not successful. I want all fucking perspectives. And it doesn’t mean that they’re all right but I want all options and I
want to be challenged at times. I don’t want people who are
like yes Julien, yes Julien. Is this a great idea? Yes Julien. When I say this concept, there’s always one example that pops up. There was a guy in New
York and he did a program. He was like Julien, I
really love your advice. I’ve surrounded myself with people who are only positive now. It all seemed great when he said it. I’m like dude that’s great
and he wanted some coaching and if you know me, I hope you do at this point in this event. I’m pretty harsh and pretty raw. I’m not going to sugarcoat
shit, I’m like hey fix that. I just say it how it is. And night one of us just
working together was like that. So at the end I’m like
dude all this was great. Here’s what I’d fix, I just laid it out and he’s like “Julien, I don’t
appreciate this negativity.” (audience laughing) I’m like, negativity what
are you talking about? I’m just saying it how it is. He’s like, “No look I told you
at the beginning of tonight “that I only surround myself
with positive people.” (audience laughing) I’m like you’re paying me for feedback, for real honest feedback, right? He’s like, “Yes, not negativity.” (audience laughing) So his view was anything that goes against what he currently believes is negative. So what was he looking for? A yes man. Someone who would just tell him hey whatever you’re doing is awesome. Like literally that would have
made him love the program. Not change at all, just
have one say yup, yup. Am I doing it right Julien? Yup, even better than right. What about this Julien? Was that right? Yup. Julien, you’re the best, you know what let’s do a ton more programs
of just yup, yup, yup. (audience laughing) And I had to sit him down
and really explain it and that was actually one
of the biggest takeaways he got from that and
at the end he was like you know what, thank you,
et cetera, et cetera. But it’s crazy how we
can take these ideas. Toxic people, you gotta get rid of them and then we’re like anyone
who disagrees with me. Toxic, denied. And it will really ruin your life and you let’s just say shelter yourself from a lot of opportunities for growth. One thing, I’d recommend doing is not taking such an
immediate harsh stance towards toxic people and see it moreso from their perspective. It’s so easy to judge and
be like fuck those people trying to bring me down. And you might have experienced this, you start working on yourself
and there’s that saying crabs in a bucket. If one crab tries to crawl
out (imitates whooshing), they pull the crab back down, right. And you might have had
friends do this to you, even family members do this to you. Anyone have that by the way? Raise your hand. Your family’s like why are you doing all this self help stuff. No, no, no, stay down. Your friends, you don’t need this, yeah. That’s it really, only a few of you. (audience laughing) Either Norway’s the land of
(speaks foreign language) people or the best land ever ’cause
no one pulls you down. This will happen in a 100% of cases. And we immediately tend to judge. We’re like fuck them,
they’re trying to do me harm. But we fail to put
ourselves and their shoes. Put yourself in that person’s shoes. It might not even be negative intention probably they’re not even thinking. Fuck them, bring them down. It’s probably all unconscious. Why? Number one, you’re creating chaos in the established dynamics. Okay, with your friends, your family, there’s a certain dynamic
that’s established. You’re this person, they’re that person and this is what’s up. If you start changing who you
are, even moving up in status or working at yourself
or becoming more healthy. What does that do? It creates chaos. And they’ll be like, “Dude, be you.” You are here, it’s like, an
example you have South Park. Every little kid has its character, right. What if one of them
was like you know what, Cartman was like I’m gonna be Kenny now. No, you’re Cartman. I expect you to be Cartman. Don’t be Kenny. And let’s just say Cartman now just started talking like Kenny. Like put on a fucking hoody
and is like (Julien squirms) and that’s the show. There’s two Kennys now,
welcome to South Park. (audience laughing) What are we gonna do? Cartman, get back to being Cartman. We already have a Kenny. Why are you creating chaos in South Park? Give me my South Park. No? There’s probably be petitions everywhere like South Park lost it. Two Kennys, not the right move. And you could argue that
from Cartman’s perspective trying to be Kenny and us
trying to say be Cartman. Crabs in a bucket. Literally, that’s what
Cartman would be saying. Fuck all these people who watch my shit, they’re trying to bring me down. I’m trying to be Kenny, they’re
trying to bring me down. But not really, we just want
the established dynamic. The other part is that we
often tend to shine a spotlight on someone else’s shortcomings
by working on ourselves. So let’s just take this example. Hypothetically right now in this room, as of this moment, right now, we’re all fat, we’re all obese. Okay, right now, picture it. We’re all just super obese. People don’t like this word, fat, obese. But hey it’s a word for a
reason, people are fat or obese. We’re all fat obese
and let’s just say you, you start losing weight. You’re like you know what guys, women, gals, whatever, beings. I’m getting ripped. Now at first we’re gonna
be like (laughs) go for it. But let’s just say he
starts getting ripped and he was fat like all of us before and he starts getting really ripped, how’s that gonna make us feel? – [Man in Audience] Fucked. – Yeah, we’re gonna be
like, if he was fat like me and he starts getting ripped, that means that I could be getting ripped but I’m not getting ripped,
I’m a piece of shit. You’re not going to feel
great about yourself, you’re gonna start self-attacking. If we’re all fat, it’s like hey we’re
all the same, whatever. But if one of us shows us that
we could be getting ripped, then it means now you oh now
I feel bad about being fat because I could be getting ripped. So we’re gonna hate
him, not even conscious when we’re like you know
we wish you the best, but you’re not making me
feel good about myself. It’s like if everyone
goes out even for dinner. You might see this with, say you’re like you
know what I’m going out for an unhealthy meal and
everyone’s getting unhealthy shit and there’s that one friend that’s like I would just do the salad. Why are you making me feel
bad about my choice, right? And you’re like great, do the salad. All of a sudden you’re like,
ooh and I got this shit. It suddenly shines that
spotlight on your shortcomings. So that’s what tends to
happen with a lot of friends. You start moving up, working on yourself, so on and so forth. Chaos, and it makes them
feel bad about themselves. It has nothing to do with you necessarily, with them trying to bring you down but everything to do with them. So, just kind of adding
that to your perspective as opposed to fuck them,
they’re the enemy helps. Beyond that, try helping them. However, you will probably
fail (Julien laughs). That’d be the chapter of a book. Try helping them, but
you’ll probably fail. (audience laughing) What I would say is present
them with the resources. Show them where they can find help or say you’re into self-help. It’s like show them the self-help stuff. If you’re into Transformation Mastery, show them Transformation Mastery. However, don’t get attached
to them doing the work. There has to be a willingness
that comes from them. Okay, you can’t force them to do it and more often than not, they’ll be closed to that type of work ’cause
it challenges their identity, it challenges who they are. There’s a famous saying, you can bring a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, right. And that’s what you’ll
often see with your friends. They’re gonna be really frustrating. It’s like your friend’s
fucking thirsty as shit. Your friends like, what’s your name? – [Dennis] Dennis. – Dennis? – [Dennis] Yeah. – It’s like Dennis, I need water. Dennis, water, please. And you’re like Julien, here. Here’s a cup. And I’m like (imitates
whooshing), Dennis water. (audience laughing) Here’s another cup, Julien. No, real water. Here’s a river. No. Literally that’s what you feel. How many friends in your life right now do you know that if they
got into this type of work they’d benefit a fuck ton from it. Yeah, a ton. Like so many. Yet they don’t and it’s
kind of frustrating. Do you not see this? No? It seems like they’re blind. Do you not see the water? It’s right here. I know it’s transparent, it’s water. But do you not see the water? It’s like no, no. So frustrating and we tend to
get attached to this sometimes where we become focused on our friends and we use it as a requirement
to doing the work ourselves. It’s like you know what I
can not go further ahead without my friend also doing it. And I’ll see this with a lot of questions. Julien how do you help your friends? What about your friends? And don’t fall into that trap
of always trying to help them to the point where you
just stay stuck as well. Present them with the resources, bring as many fucking
horses to water as you can, so that they know where the water is when there’s that willingness but don’t become attached to it. Still do you, don’t use
that as a requirement. Another subtle trap that
you can also fall into with the friends is only
focusing on the friends as a way to avoid doing the work yourself. Where you become obsessed with the friend. It’s like you know what I know
I should be eating healthy but let me make sure
Dennis is eating healthy. Dennis, are you eating healthy? Dennis let me (Julien mumbles) and you’re not doing the work, you’re just always
focused on fucking Dennis. I’ll see that too, people
obsess with their friends to avoid dealing with their shit and they can point out
all of Dennis’ problems. What about you? I don’t know, it’s Dennis. Bring it back to you. You’re your responsibility. Find the benefits in being surrounded with these toxic people. This is also something to really consider if you can’t change your environment. Sometimes it’s like man
they’re just so toxic and say they actually are and
it’s really affecting you. There’s that saying, you’re
the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Say you can’t move or say you’re stuck in that living situation. During that time, number
one, plan to move. But during that time,
find the value in it. Turn the mirror around. If there’s habits, for
example, that they have that you don’t want to have, it’s always easier to
see it in someone else, it’s always easier to see
someone else fucking up not you. Always ask yourself;
what’s my version of that? What is my version of that? Your friend for example,
not drinking the water, classic example. What’s your version of that? What’s something you’re closed off to. It might be a friend or
someone’s like ah this thing, and you’re like no, no,
I want the real water. What’s your version? Your friend doing some kind of escapism or some kind of habit that’s
unhealthy, what’s your version? It tends to be highlighted
in your friends. If you also get triggered by your friends. They poke something up
inside of you, great. There’s a funny saying where it’s like if you want to be triggered,
go hang out with you family. (audience laughing) The trigger time of the
year is the holidays. You’re like I’m all over
that, I’m self-helped and you go with your family
and they do one little thing (Julien squirms) and you
literally act like a kid again. So although that you could argue so toxic. No, it brings up valuable data. That you won’t get without that. So there’s still value to take. And then lastly, cut them out or cut them out in certain situations. For example, it’s not black and white where it’s like this
person’s toxic or not. It could be this person isn’t someone I wanna spend everyday
with, however this person might still have some
qualities that I like. The example I always use is I
have a friend in Switzerland with who we did a lot of
music, we composed a lot. This person’s unhealthy, not successful, lives with his parents, hates self-help, hates socializing,
basically the opposite of me in a lot of cases except for music. Do I still hang out with him? Fuck yeah, I love the guy. But I’m not gonna hang
out with him everyday and I’m not gonna hang
out with him in situations where self-help, success,
socializing arises. I’ll hang out with him to do
music and talk about music and I love it. So, you can also
compartmentalize like this, it’s not black and white. Makes sense and again to
also reinforce sometimes they are really toxic and
you got to cut them off, in that case, cut them off. You’re not as trapped
as you think you are. (rock music) This is Julien and welcome
to Transformation Mastery. – It was fucking amazing. – This was huge for me,
this was so so important. – This gave me by far the
greatest epiphanies I’ve ever had. – It just made me finally
confront my deepest fears. – And we got like real deep and I found some issues within myself. – One of the best things
I’ve seen before in my life. – What you’re about to experience
going through this program is what completely change my
life on every single level. Okay, be it health, wealth, relationships, higher purpose, you name it. This is the stuff that
finally finally produced that true long-lasting
personal transformation we’re all after.

62 Replies to “Are Your Friends Holding You Back?! Julien Blanc Reveals How To Deal With Difficult & Toxic People

  1. Julien: That one single friend you don't cut out because you don't realize how toxic he is😂 Just kidding, peak performance again 👌🏻

  2. I wonder if Julien or Owen still talk to their parents. Cause I know that Owens parents, by his own description, seem fairly "toxic," so how does he reconcile that fact with keeping them in his life. I totally cut my parents out of my life, but if there was a way I could keep them in my life without it bringing me down, I'd want to take it.

  3. Friends and family can both be SUPER TOXIC!🤮 surrounding myself with successful and positive people was the only way I was able to go from broke college dropout 😓 to making my first $1,000,000 online at 26🙌🏼💰and finding my dream woman 👩 thank you Julien for everything you have done to expedite my success and happiness🙏🏼🙏🏼

  4. what if I'm too pussy to cut them out, or I have to see them on a regular basis anyway? there are people that have to be cut out in my life, but I have to see them everyday

  5. Want to know how to become #triggerless? Have no position of your own; give zero fucks and have a completely open mind. If successful, the bliss will be indescribable.

  6. Love it, thx for this content Julien. Now I can see things more clearly, because, as you said, things don't have to be so black and white. Yes, cut off your toxic friends that are pulling you down, you don't need to keep on their side 24/7/365, but stay with them in times and places that really favours some fun for both of you.

    In the end, we always focus on what they bring to us related to negativity, but we never look on what this same friends had helped you in harsh times.

  7. I still can't believe I missed out on you coming here to Norway Julien 🙁

    was laying in bed ready to go to sleep, put on some relaxing music on youtube when your ad appeared on screen stating you were coming to Oslo for a freetour and I was like FUCK YEAH!!! XD until I realized the freetour had already happened mere hours ago, and I could have reached it had I paid attention… Awesome vid though 😀

  8. Even family is toxic asshole's but shit comes back to bite them all in the ass no matter if it takes many years or decades or in the next life when they get reincarnated karma will balance itself out

  9. Julien great video i can see how u progress in authenticity and congruence with each video u release, awesome!

  10. I cut out so many people from my life since i was 16. So many people trued to hold me down. The clever omes actually latched for years because i was so blind to see the toxicity. Its like all that toxic shit enters your soul while all the good and temacity goes into theirs. The traits that made me strong ppwerful ambitious and motivated slowly disappeared as i associated with fucking losers.scope em out and cut them out. Fuck em all.

  11. I had the shape thing completely. Got very overweight and all of us a sudden drastically got into good shape. Felt guilty in the friend group initially but you have to do what’s best for you. Set personal goals and let nothing stop you from achieving them (or something similar)

  12. Actually I would like to see one more perspective: is IT bad if you like staying alone with literraly nobody around you, no friends, no girlfriends, no parents? What if I like that?

  13. All the men I grew up with–Very toxic, but I accepted them.
    And that's bad. Acceptance is bad.

  14. Love it. Dealing with this shit right now. And followed the advice damn near to the T, however i should be more subtle next time and span it across longer periods of time with respect to cutting them out.

  15. Hey JulienHimself, there a 2 links to your program. One with one off payments and the other with subscription payments. Is it the same program?

  16. The worst case is when you live in a small town and the people who are not your friend put you down with shit comments.

  17. Funny that this video is recommended at a time I cut off a long time friend because he is toxic af, racist, introverted, anti social….

  18. Julien how to deal or achieve success when everything i do either fails or i give up somehow idk i feel like want to be super rich every idea tried fails ….how to deal with pain of failure and move forward.???

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