How did you feel at work?

I think I’m still trying to laugh
and smile with people, because you don’t want
people to know that you are not feeling well. And I did everything that
I was supposed to do, basically. But you know, you put up– I don’t even know
how to explain it, it’s just something
you work with. It’s just, you know,
okay, I have to do this, and this is what I do. So I’m going to work
and I do what I have to do. If I make an error, I found it. I never got in trouble,
but the focusing was not there, the communication was not there. You know, you just–
you’re not in a bubble, basically, but you’re just within yourself. That’s how I can
basically describe it. The ability to own
if I have made a mistake is extremely difficult for me, and partly because
I have the sense I have to be better
than everybody else, because I have this condition and because I have
to push through so much that I’m also–
there’s an expectation that I actually function at
a higher level than other people. I felt very stressed,
very frustrated. I felt like my manager
doesn’t like me. Everybody’s picking on me and I was getting angry
inside me, feeling kind of… screaming at everything out,
and I say, “No, this is not me, it’s just the anxiety
that’s doing it,” but you feel that way
because of the anxiety and the mental health you have. When I do feel so full
of self-doubt that I can’t speak up
even if I have an idea, I won’t share it or,
in the context of work, if I’m working on a report
or developing content, I’ll procrastinate,
because I just won’t trust what I have to say
or how I’m interpreting things is correct or good enough. My boss has benefited
from me trying to hide
my mental health challenges by overworking myself, but here’s where death
would have come in, because I’d go
three days no sleep. I’d have people
in satellite sites across Ontario and Quebec that I’m double-checking
their work, because there’s no confidence. And so that kind of
hamster-on-the-wheel kind of approach eventually would be
what led to them finding me either
one morning at home… or in the office over my desk.

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