Personal Boundaries: 5 ways to teach people how to treat us properly! | Kati Morton


Today I am talking about boundaries. Now many of you
have reached out to me and said that you
have struggled to put up healthy boundaries with people in your life. Now, why do we
even need boundaries? Many of us have
people in our lives who treat us poorly, they talk down to us, they boss us around or can be really rude
and aggressive. And we have really struggled to find a way
to tell them to stop. So today I am going
to teach you five steps on how to
help people treat you better. ♫ (introduction music playing) ♫ There may have been
a time in our lives when we were too young, or we didn’t really have
any control over our situation. And therefore we had
no other option, but to let people treat us in an undesirable way. But now, we are grownups. Even if we are teens, we are still adult enough to teach people
how to treat us properly. Now, one of the things
we often don’t realize, is that we are reinforcing some of this
undesirable behavior. Let’s give an example: So let’s say we have
someone in our life who’s really bossy,
really pushy, and they are
aggressive, and they keep asking for things, Until, we’re exhausted, we don’t want to
fight with them and we give in, and they get their way. Now you can see
that reinforces their behavior because they got
really pushy, really aggressive
and they got what they wanted. And who would have even thought that was really reinforcing this “bad boundary” or “undesirable behavior”, but it really is. The first step to teaching
people how to better treat us is noticing these times where we may be reinforcing
bad behavior. Because we often don’t
even realize we’re doing it. So if we can take time, and pay attention
to when we give in to people, we may say “yes” when
we really mean to say “no”, Someone is just really pushy, so we always just let them
have their way. Start recognizing when
this is happening, because that is where
we can start. Step 2: is knowing that you have the right to
always walk away from someone if they are speaking to you rudely. I find may of my clients,
even myself, sometimes, feeling like I have to
have certain conversations, or I forced, to have to
sit there, and be berated by someone. Or, to stay on the phone while someone is just making
me feel like shit. But, you know what? We have the right to walk away. Recognizing that power,
gets us one step closer, to self respect. Which is really
what I am trying to teach you. It’s the core of
who we are, and what we believe
we deserve. And it’s from that that we can teach others
how to better treat us. The third step is knowing
that we have the right, always, to say no, if
something is not in our best interest. If it is way out of our way
to take someone to the airport. If it is really inconvenient
for us to “swing by” easily, and just pick up that thing for someone. We can say no. And recognizing that we have that right, it doesn’t make us a jerk, it doesn’t make us selfish, It doesn’t mean that we are so rude
and a horribly person. It means that we recognize what is convenient and
what makes sense for us, And when things don’t make sense, we have the right
and the ability to say no, at anytime. The fourth step is recognizing that we, have the insight, and, we have realized relationships
and situations that just really feel icky
and are unhealthy, and we are able to
distance ourselves from those people. Now, I know for many of you, you may live at home, I have had many messages
from people saying, “But what if my parents
are toxic?” and “what if they’re the ones
that are overstepping boundaries?” We still have the ability
to distance ourselves. In certain situations,
we can make sure that we are not around them. Or we are not
part of the discussion, or we are not available to talk about this
certain situation, that we don’t want involved in. We can still
emotionally distance ourselves in certain situations so we
protect our own self respect. So that we don’t
get drawn in these unhealthy relationships, where people try to
invade our privacy, share our privacy
with other people, may be very rigid
and restrictive, This helps give us the power
to say, “You know what? I am not
going to participate right now.” “I’m busy.”
“I have to go.” “Oh you want to talk?,
I’m sorry I already have other plans, I will be back later.” We have the ability to do that. The fifth and most
important step on teaching other people
to treat us better is sticking with it. If you ever get detered, if you find yourself feeling
like, “I’m such a jerk!” “I know they’re going to hate me!” “I am never going to have any friends,
and everything is going to be terrible…” Think to yourself, is it more important that other
people like me? or that I like me? Oftentimes I find that we
look outwards so much for affirmation to build our self esteem, so that we feel good about
how we look, and present to others, and we forget about our
own self respect. And that’s where true compassion,
true love, true life comes from, is self respect. Respecting who you are,
recognizing your strengths, and taking time to notice those,
to write those things down. A lot of what I talk about
in my videos is just us going inside to figure out what is
important to us, Who we are.
Why do we love ourselves? And if we don’t find anything
at the beginning, we’re like, “I don’t
know what I love?” That’s where you need to start. It’s taking time to recognize whats so wonderful and great
and unique about you. Because everyone has those things! Once we begin this process,
stick with it! Because I will tell you this, You’re worth it! I hope that this video
gives you some ideas and tools to better
prepare for this holiday season. I am wishing each and every one of you a happy and healthy holidays! Don’t forget to subscribe
to my channel. Just because it’s the holidays
doesn’t mean I am not going to be here. I put out videos five days a week, and you don’t want to miss them! If you like this video make sure
to give it a thumbs up. If you haven’t checked out:
www.katimorton.com there are some great things
going on there. I have even updated my shop. I have shirts, tank tops,
coffee mugs, anything that you might be looking for
for a little self care during the holidays. (video fades, plays clip of
previous video) some self care, if you have time
at the end of your day, take the 10 minutes out of
your day to do this. and I think you will
feel a lot better. And like I said we are always
working together right? not only towards a healthy mind…
(video fades out) Subtitles by the Amara.org community

100 Replies to “Personal Boundaries: 5 ways to teach people how to treat us properly! | Kati Morton

  1. Itโ€™s pretty RUDE when a lazy woman refers to you as Cinderella! Toxic behavior will push me as far away as I can get.

  2. Its hard when these type of people say passive aggressive things that are very ambiguous. I WISH these kinds of people in my life would insult me with an obvious insult to my face so I can tell them off but they do not operate that way. They are so much more clever than that. And it leaves you with your hands tied and not being able to say anything and just looking liking like a little b*tch that got smacked in the face. Because if I say something too direct I will come across as crazy or aggressive. Well, I could come back with an equally clever, passive aggressive comment but I cannot think that quickly on my feet and Im also too nice. Btw, I almost always have these problems with co-workers. Lord knows we do not work together out of choice. Unfortunately you donโ€™t get to choose your co-workers. Ughh ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

  3. Kati Morton what if this person is your mom and she lives next door? I canโ€™t put boundaries and she does not respect my privacy. This is ruining my life ๐Ÿ˜ข

  4. Most of the things don't work because my my bossy person she tell the teacher on me and when she continues to be rude and then yeah how do I get through that I know she buy stuff to get me jealous what do I do

  5. I think a type of drawing or pictures would be more helpful to present this material. Face to face is not working.

  6. Itโ€™s not always rude and aggressive people who we need boundaries with. We need boundaries even within ourselves by honoring our feelings.

  7. Hello! I could'nt follow your english as it was a differnt accent. (I am an Indian). Can u show us the steps in writing . I have a cousin who ignores me like hell though she uses me when she needs. But l had taken help from her father which l cant thank him enough. I dont know how to deal with her.

  8. I always had a problem with saying No to people because I thought you're just obligated to do things for people. Then I started thinking about what they're asking, which I explain to them if they complain about me saying No.
    "So, you want me to drive you to the airport at 4am on a Saturday. If a taxi did this for you, it would cost about $20. So, you're asking me to do something worth $20 for free, so that you don't have to pay anything. And you're also completely ruining my normal Saturday schedule (unlike a taxi, who figures on that being their work shift). So, if you really want me to do it, it'll be the $20 taxi fee, plus a $20 inconvenience fee. Still want me to do it?"

  9. I really LIKE helping others. I hope they'll like me when I help them. But they don't. How can I help people without dealing with toxic behaviour?

  10. Some people can be pushy without being aggressive. Asking over and over I want to see you, meet with me, I want to get to know you, call me every day. Uh right. Bye.

  11. I have never been someone who picks on people as a way of joking or insults others and disguise it as a joke. But I have strange way of attracting those kind of people. Right now I'm working on keeping people like that away from me and understanding that there is a huge difference between joking with someone and joking about someone.

  12. thanks for including so many subtitle choices๐Ÿ˜ญnot that I canโ€™t understand you but the Chinese subtitles really make me feel like home

  13. That's what I needed, thank you!
    But here's a minor problem: I've already been giving so much that people are used to it, and now; when I'm starting to take control of my life and try to get the respect that I deserve, people will accuse me of being changed and pretentious. And this is the worst. When you hold up for yourself and labeled as pretentious; that mean you can only be pretending when you think you deserve respect, since you have no value whereas the people who you pretend to be are still valuable. This label shoots two birds with one stone and I can't think my way out of it when I decide to stand up for myself.

  14. I never have my own space or make my own decision without boundaries. I have 2 family who don't respect my space and I have friends who does not respect my needs. Boundaries take a lot to get use.

  15. What do you do i have a friend she is telling my what i can do what i can do. She is being mean like bulling to my what i can do halp my out

  16. To me, this all boils down to a civilization way too screwed up from adrenaline. I have spent my entire life battling with owners, managers, landlords and co-workers, and to a less extent, my relatives. They have a role for me and it means degrading my and other peoples' lives. Identify this for what it is: mass psychosis. Many people with an exaggerated notion of what they need to survive and they are all wrong!

  17. Katie, I need your help. I do see a therapist and she works with CBT, which is good. My almost 18yo son is my emotional thermometer. If he is happy, I am happy, if he is angry with a teacher for something wrong he did, I am anxious doing breathing exercises while he threatening to leave the house. I get sucked in as if we are the same person, this is so wrong. The result it is that I am working on him to be happy so I can have peace. I read some articles that says that removing yourself from the situation, mindful meditation and I do them, it doesnโ€™t seem to help much. Even from far, I feel the same. The only time I am okay its when I get angry with him, which is when he completely falls apart. Its like the umbilical cord has never been cut.

  18. I find myself turning the volume up in this as the video progresses. Yes sister! Preach! Can I LOVE this video and share it everywhere?! Yessss!!!

  19. Most teenagers think their parents are rude and toxic. Theyโ€™re usually not. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

  20. How do you know if its your avoidance disorder or your just setting bounderies? Its hard to tell if my bounderies are valid help.

  21. Hey Katie,
    What can you do when a person you thought you knew turns out to be an exploititive sociopath and now is using information you shared with them when you believed they were your friend, to exploit money from someone who means me no good at all.
    This person also has threatened to side with the one who means me no good and the two really could alter the course of my life in a very destructive way.
    I am frightened of how far this person may go to hurt me.

  22. What about those people who put too much of a boundary and always feel entitled yet they expect the other person to be more open… its confusing, I get people wanting privacy but expecting me to be the open one can gets tiring especislly in friendships

  23. Can you add some faith based statements in your videos? Jesus helps me in my illness I'm 100% sure I'm not the only one. Faith helps me! If not I still adore your videos! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

  24. I get treated like garbage until I resent the person. Eventually I end up lashing out and saying awful things to them. Or I just distance myself and avoid them altogether.

  25. It'ss bad when the friend treat others well n doesnt treat u the same.U know the truth when u hang out together a few times.Tat friend often give u disdain looks but dont treat them this way.

  26. I say I'm not going to participate right now, I'll be back later, etc but lately its not working. My parents have emotionally tried to beat me down so I have to stay in the room to maintain peace. Walking away physically isn't always the safest choice and its so frustrating. How am I supposed to maintain my boundaries with people who refuse to listen and repeatedly demand violating them. I live with them and can't get away. I don't know how to shift this anymore.

  27. hey, my girlfriend was emotionally abused by their parents what can i do in my relationship with her ? because i love her but is really hard to be with her a lot of the time

  28. Amazing video๐Ÿ‘ as always. Very helpful and useful just need it NOW!
    I will start apply these.

  29. This is really difficult to do. I never realized three things regarding boundaries : 1. I had poor personal boundaries and 2. i was not respecting other's personal boundaries. 3. i was mixing mine and other's boundaries at the same time (enmeshment to use the industry term). Now that I am aware (like taking the pill Neo did in the Matrix movie) I can't go back to that blind mindset. It feels lonely at times and I get scared. I am 50 years old, and when i assert my personal boundaries with family and friends they do not like it. This is tougher than I imagined, and I do fall back in (give in to manipulation and do some manipulating of my own- crossing all boundaries) because i am scared, and i feel like i'm on another planet.

  30. Hi there. I am a bpd woman, married to a sociopath. He can charm the socks out of me when he choses to. But then just turns around and starts ignoring me from the next morning and if i try to reach out goes on stonewalling me. I usually tru to wait out the period he goes in his shell, and talk to him about it when i think he will "actually listen to me". Can you please suggest something that can help me or us?

  31. I felt bad for walking away from a friend who used to treat me as bad possible. But now I can see it was the right choice. ๐Ÿ˜Š

  32. So true, we need to love ourselves. If others keep pushing against our boundaries maybe we should ask why they don't care about our boundaries?….

  33. I grew up with a manipulative and toxic mother. I went low, low contact over a decade ago but recently reconnected on a very superficial level. A few months ago I received a prestigious fellowship in addition to a PhD scholarship. I was sharing with friends and didn't realize I sent my mother the entire email thread. On the thread, I talked about a medical procedure I was having while not naming the procedure. She immediately picked up on that and began hammering me on what I was having done, saying she's just a 'mommy who's "worried" about her little girl'. I'm 50.

    I made the mistake in the past of telling my mother my medical conditions and the next thing I knew the whole town was privy to my most intimate health conditions. I was furious. This time I chose not to share with her anything about the sacred things in my life. When I refused to divulge 'the procedure' she got nasty. Yep, still toxic. Do you think she reached out to ask WHY I refuse to share anything with her? Of course not! She'd rather believe I am just a bitch rather than looking in the mirror.

    I still have a way to go in my recovery but feel less guilty saying no or putting my foot down. My mother doesn't seem to like 'the new me', but it looks like I made the right decision. ๐Ÿ˜

  34. I have trouble setting boundaries because I constantly feel unlovable/ unworthy. So I subconsciously let people walk all over me in fear that they will leave me or stop loving me. I give and give and give so much of my love and time to people that treat me like literal shit, ad Iโ€™ve been trying recently to set boundaries but fuck, itโ€™s so exhausting. I love the people that do shorty things to me, I really really do, which makes it super hard for me to say no to them or to distance myself because my heart just fucking longs for them whenever they are around. I have this friend that I help out every time he feels like shit, I distract him, I listen to him, I do everything for him, but he continuously treats my like garbage and just takes everything out on me, and is never there for me when I feel like shit. He belittled everything I like and do, he pretends to be cooler than me when we are w other people, and just generally treats me badly. I have this other friend whom I love dearly, who distanced himself from me a couple of months back, literally breaking my heart. I apologised for whatever I did, which I still have no idea what is, and we fixed things. Despite this, he treated me like shit and just walked all over me. Idk what to do anymore. I really just want to like stop being me and be someone else, be someone better or cooler or prettier.

  35. Toxic people are everywhere. I am sick of it. People take being kind as a weakness. People talk down to me all the time

  36. Thank you so much for your advice. But what if that person is your boss' sister, and she talks bad about you to the boss after you say no to her ridiculous requests?

  37. It can get confusing as some people are kind and generous and even appropriately affectionate but have some other flaw that hurts. I have excellent friends who never come visit me. I drive, sometimes very long distances, to visit my friends and they seem thrilled to see me and glad I've come and they make plans for us in their hometown, but never return the favor. They have even told me it is "too far" to come see me. It's not about the money of travel, they make more than me. I also have a friend, who literally took care of me financially for several months when I was seriously injured (I paid her back when I was well). I never asked her to do this, she stepped up when she saw a need and it was such a surprise (and huge relief). However, she is triggered out of the blue by what seems like very harmless conversation about movies, books, documentaries, gardens . . . it's mystifying what sets her off. . . and starts yelling. Most of the time she doesn't mean to yell at me, she's yelling about whatever came up for her. But, I'm tired of the yelling and I'm done making all the effort to keep friendships well-fed.

  38. Since starting therapy, I have been working on assertive communication. I've been trying to feel more comfortable expressing my feelings to others, but I have noticed that people feel "attacked" or refuse to acknowledge their actions when I try to explain how they've upset me. I also noticed when setting boundaries with people (e.g. "hey, I don't like when you say this… etc) that people willingly CHOOSE not to give a fuck and will justify their horrible words and actions.
    THIS IS HONESTLY SO EXHAUSTING AND I WOULD RATHER NOT SAY ANYTHING ANYMORE….

  39. Kati, all your points are great. The one challenge however is when you say it is more important that i like myself. And thus its ok to tell people off. Good for people who were used or bullied. But Know that there are actual hot headed sefish people out there who use and throw people. They would be the first to subscribe to this line I like me so I don't need to listen to anyone.

  40. What's scary is when you're trapped by someone who doesn't recognize or respect you walking away or saying no. I have an aunt who will out of no where get aggressive about something (even things that don't exist or have nothing to do with her like an uncomfortable glint in my eye when I'm thinking about something else), and has cornered me in my room, and repeated and more aggressively ignore "no", "leave me alone", and "I just want space". When I answer honestly she doesn't accept my answer and wishes I would be open with her because she doesn't feel good unless I feel good (manipulation?). That feels so violating to not have basic physical space and not be allowed your own thoughts. Thankfully living with her is a temporary situation, but that degree of disregard when most of the time she's nice was shocking. I've also had her and our other roommate barge into my room (justified that it's not my room, because it's not my house) even when I'm taking a nap. They're pissed that I've distanced myself. For the time being it seems to be sinking in, but I know my aunt has been like this all her life (I just had no idea how severe it was, and she hadn't been like that with me).

  41. I have a friend where I have to regularly do this. She oversteps and focusses on everyone else's problems so that she doesn't have to fix her own life. It's annoying. I try to help her but I really cannot do this anymore. I'm tired of trying and it's not my place. I have to constantly practice boundaries for both of our sakes xx

  42. As a disabled person, others get angry when I set boundaries with them and they get confrontational or discard me. Iโ€™m finally learning not to let this get to me

  43. Opening up or breaking the ice is a bad idea, anyone with a rigid personal boundaries would see this as a sign of manipulation.

  44. Thank you for explaining how to recognize this situation and helping me know that I'm not a bad person for standing up for myself.
    I think part of my struggle has been:
    1.) I've been a life long patient and I've had to put up with some things I didn't like.
    2.) I generally like to be nice and I hate having to "make waves". I strive to be a Peacemaker and want to help other people.

    Thanks again for empowering people like me who needs to be reminded that we have permission to stand up. ๐Ÿ˜Š

  45. I wish you would make this and some videos like this into little worksheet pdfs, i find it really helps me process this informational more deeply!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  46. I recommend not accepting gifts when possible from people who tend to be too demanding and manipulative, it can really fuel the issue. They will feel entitled to being paid back in some way, even if they don't admit it. There's no such thing as a free lunch. Be as independent as you possibly can.

  47. Thank you, i feel like i have been reinforcing some bad bahavior and not saying no, when i wanted to.

  48. The thing is it's hard to describe.

    He'll imply things and once said " I agree that you're bad at turning me on " but everyone I've been with has always been turned on by just my presence.

    He later addmitted he didn't mean it he just expected more from me

    His kisses felt forcefull I tried pulling away at times and giggled when I couldn't as I was nervous.. my fault

  49. I'm nearly 24 , British, female and am yet to experience a day of being treated with respect! I have adopted many approaches including assertiveness and appealing against decision and actions that were very unfair. But I have still not experienced any justice. My life is very difficult Kati. As much as I practice gratitude, positivity,self love etc I have made no progress and achieved nothing in my life.I am the daughter of disabled,Indian, uneducated,unemployed,uncivilised parents who are toxic and negative towards me to say the least and of course being human I get angry back, but it resolves nothing. Most of all I am very unsatisfied with how outsiders have treated me including at workplaces and academic staff. Unlike the average young person, I am very limited in freedom and support. I don't have any friends and I have to go to a womens centre because they are the only place where I have ever been spoken to with respect. I know that in the grand scheme of things, people have much worse afflictions but what I endure is still very unbearable. I have been heavily bulled by all ages,ethnicities,faiths and genders. I have been ridiculed and mistreated as though I am inferior. I have been told I'm not allowed to speak up/complain because I am not sassy enough. I have been called unattractive. I have faced many undiagnosed health issues and even mental health workers and GPs have been very dismissive and rude towards me for no good reason. I've been directly made to feel unimportant, unwanted and disrespected but these people never face any consequences. It's too much for one person to deal with. I am an unpaid, casual carer to my elderly parents, especially for my dad, and I hate myself because I'm almost 25 and yet I have no job, no education, no life skills, no ability to drive, no friends, no events to look forward to, no life at all really!
    I do put in the effort alright. But literallt each place I have gone to, everytime, I have been wronged more and more, and it's unbearable. Especially since I'm an adult. I deserve to be treated with equality and respect but to this year, even driving instructors whom I of course pay my limited money to, have aggressively and unprofessionally misbehaved and mistreated me , as though I am nothing. I don't feel accepted or respected , even just on a basic human level! Honestly Kati, there's a lot of complexities, which I can't exactly explain in a YouTube comment but I am traumatised by all too many bad incidents, and it's not like I have anyone to share all this with and back me up and fight back. My sole efforts are of no use!
    My social anxiety, skin and other health issues as well as other limitations stop me from going outside even to the local areas never mind elsewhere. I have had many bad experiences outside that deter me from even stepping outside never mind anything else. But very bravely I go out with good intentions. But I have never experienced a good,productive, meaningful,happy, kind peaceful day as of yet. I am always in fear. I have tried many techniques, to no success, including meditation, mindfulness,mantras,medication,positivity,gratitude,therapy, journaling, speaking to the womens centre and much more.But I am here typing yet another desperate and empty YouTube comment to a stranger hoping for an answer, a solution, a way out etc. I now avoid so many things. Not because of laziness. But because of major depression and honestly I struggle to even simply get up out of bed every morning. This is not okay. This is my God given gift of life and I am wasting away. WHY? To you or anyone who decides to read, understand and possibly help me with practical support, thanks in advance.

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