Best of Kelly Kapoor – The Office US


Don’t worry Kelly we’ll be Training you first. Kelly’s Training Us? This day is Bananas B-a-n-a-n-a-s! This day is Bananas, B-a-n-a-n-a-s! I don’t have a headache. I’m just preparing. Could you scoot over? You’re on my dress. I thought you’re not supposed to wear white to a wedding. I know, but there was an emergency. I look really good in white. Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair. It’s the lever on the side. That’s what I told him, thanks. Oh my God! He is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me? Oh no, I don’t think I could– Oh please Jim? Please, please, please? He’s so cute. I like him so much, and I would do it but I’m too shy Please Jim, please, please, please, please! Please Jim? Please, please, please? God, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons along the way. Your department’s just you right? Yes Jim, but I am not easy to manage. Hey Kelly, what’s up? Nothing. Except, oh my god, Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up! Oh, that’s great! I’m really happy for– I know! It was so funny, because we were at this bar with his friends, and I was sitting next to him the whole night, and he wasn’t making a move, so in my head I was like Ryan, what’s taking you so long? And then, he kissed me, and I didn’t know WHAT to say. So I said, Ryan? What took you so long? I mean, I just said it to him! Can you believe– Oh my God Jim, is that embarrassing? I’m embarrassed. No, don’t be Oh thank God. Because I was nervous, Jim. You would not believe But now, now I have a boyfriend! *Excited squeal* I hooked up with her on February 13th. How did Ryan use it, as an object? As an object. Ryan used ME as an object. What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping-pong? Hi Kelly. Guess whose boyfriend it is? I don’t want to guess. I’ll give you a hint. It’s not MY boyfriend. I think it’s a guy over here. I don’t talk trash. I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical. Like, “yo momma’s so fat she could eat the internet” but smack talk is happening like, right now, like “You’re ugly and I know it for a fact because I got the evidence right there” Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball. Jim couldn’t hit a ping-pong ball if it was the size of the moon. Were Jim’s parents first cousins that were ALSO bad at ping-pong? If I had created a website with this many problems, I’d kill myself. Do you have a question, Kelly? Yeah. I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you? Kelly: I want you to tell me that you care about me, that is what I want! Ryan: Kelly, I’m your boss now! Okay, you can’t keep talking to me like I’m your boyfriend. Oh big strong man, Fancy new whatever! I don’t think you ever cared about me! I never cared about you? Six months ago, Karen Phillipelli sent me an email asking me out, I said no because I was committed to our relationship. Well, I hope you’re still committed because I’m pregnant. And guess what buddy? I am keeping it. Okay. Okay. Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby? I c– can’t talk about this right now, okay? After work, we’ll go out to dinner, we’ll talk about it then. Okay? We have a date! I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That, and my sister’s. That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself. This summer, I did the Minority Executive Training Program at Yale. You guys, I’m like, really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, Kelly, what’s the biggest company in the world? And I’d be like “blah blah blah, blah blah blah” Giving you the exact right answer. I’m really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last week– And perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again-off-again girlfriend What are you– Who am I? I’m Kelly Kapoor. The Business Bitch. It is important to brand yourself. So I have a couple of things in the works. The Business Bitch, The Diet Bitch, The Shopping Bitch. The Etiquette Bitch. For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless?! Try “Jesus.” “Opus Dei” –To the top of the queue. So number 5 becomes number 4. Number 6 becomes number 5. Number 3– Becomes number 2. Etcetera, etcetera. And let’s just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, Which is also awesome. But guess what? Now I want to see Love Actually again, which is at the bottom of the queue! Oh no, what do I do! What I do is this. I go online, I go click click click, and I change the order of the queue! So I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It’s so easy Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works? Guess I forgot. You’re such a ditz. Ryan, well done: 2 minutes 42 Seconds Additionally Pam, you win $10 because she said ‘awesome’ 12 times and Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned 6 romantic comedies. Everyone, may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you To Mr. Danny Cordray. He is going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman. Say hello to Danny! F*** me. Okay. You know what? Jim! Kelly! Oh my God! I have so much to tell you! Really? Really? Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie They had a baby too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are Amazing! Great! What’s new With you I just told you… If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet. The Claire Danes one. What about second base? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like, closed a deal? I mean, that’s a baseball term, right? I-I-don’t know what Michael was… Talking about. I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I’m going to wear my hottest tracksuit and get my hair done and then be like Hi Ryan. And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like “Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend! Ooh, I would have never treated her so bad when I was outside of prison!” Well it’s you don’t have to do ’em, Meredith, WHAT are you doing? I could be pregnant. Okay, no. Oh, my resolution was to get more attention. Nope, she’s lying. I just need to know where this is going. Hey. I like you. That’s why. But you need to access your un-crazy side. Otherwise, maybe this thing has run it’s course. Don’t you dare walk away from me, Darryl Philbin. You are the most selfish person I have ever met in my entire– Slow down.Think it over. Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of game is that?

Best of Creed – The Office US


There’s my girl Noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train? That was perdium from Philidelphia Ugh, that town smells like cheese steaks That town is full of history! Andrea’s the, uh, office bitch you’ll get used to her hmMMm creed I’m not offended by homosexuality In the 60s I made love to many many women often outdoors *eyebrow raise* in the mud and the rain and it’s possible a man slipped in would be no way of knowing. So, strike scream and run Alright, let’s try it. *Strikes, screams, and runs* Hey did one of you tell Stanley that I had asthma? Because I don’t If it gets out they won’t let me scuba If I can’t scuba, then w h a t s t h i s a l l b e e n a b o u t ? What am I working toward? Creed? Yes, sir? Everything okay? Everything’s cool, dude. I’m thirty. Well in November I’ll be thirty. That is Northern Lights Cannabis, Indica No, it’s marijuana. I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office. Just pretend like we’re talking until the cops leave. Thanks, playing a little hooky from work today. oh my god How much do they want 300 dollars -What? No, I could get a fish for a five-cent worm. Oh, you’re paying way too much for worms, man. Who’s your worm guy? So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter. Oh, I’m engaged to Pam. I thought you were gay. Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter? i d o n t k n o w Hey cus Heard you’re having money problems. No you didn’t Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away. Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider. Creed, I noticed you don’t have a resolution on the board. What’s yours? I wanna do a cartwheel. They’re real casual, like, not make a big deal out of it, but I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel. How’s it going? i’m having a little trouble motivating no if you do that i’m going to do that if you do that i’m going to do that if you do this i’m going to do that well what if I just did– y o u d o n t w a n t t o d o t h a t . *wtf* I’m just hiding out until all this stuff blows over. With Creed. Playing chess. At work. He’s winning. I feel like I’m describing a dream I had. yo Is this his new chair? No he hasn’t picked one yet. DAAAHT. When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs And only one to go. I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You get more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader. Whoa, awesome. L E T S P U T A S M I L E O N T H A T F A C E Dammit Creed I’ve been up since four! Real shame about Ed, huh? -Yeah Must really have you thinking. About what? The older you get, the bigger the chances you’re gonna die. You knew that Ed was decapitated. What? Dwight (whispering): really? He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down route six, he slides under an eighteen-wheeler, pop it snaps right off. Oh my god… *impressed* That is the way to go. Instant death, very smart. You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. You’re thinking of a chicken. what did i say Someone complained that the men’s room is whites only, Stanley you know that’s not true I didn’t say that Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? I already won the lottery. I was born in the U S of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport Does it hurt terribly? No, it’s not too bad. They had me on a lot of painkillers. Oh really what kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? Oxycontin? Palladone I have no idea. *sigh of disgrace* Hey, Creed. Creed: Heyyyyyy, -Kid: What’s up Creed? Creed: What’re you guys up to? Ahhh, hellloooo -Kid: You’re the man, buddy. I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station I understand that’s confusing Hey, brah, I’ve been meaning to ask you, Can we get some Red Bulls for these things? Sometimes a guy’s gotta ride the bull. amirite?? Later, skater. Look at where you’re going to be doing the cartwheel, so look where you’re going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot Creed: Mmhmm Michael: You’re ready to do this? Creed: Yes, sir. You know what? I’m gonna stay here as long as it takes Creed: I really appreciate that. Michael: Imma spot ya, imma spot you Michael: Go. I did it! You did? The perfect cartwheel. Okay, good. What a rush, that’s all I had to do all year. Congratulations. (creed’s face is gold right here) Well, alright see you tomorrow. Oh my god. I find it offensive. All natural, baby. That’s how I like ’em. Swing low, sweet Chariots. Kevin: Look at that. She’s totally flirting with him. Mmm, you don’t know that. Some people can’t help losing sexuality You ever noticed you can only lose two things? sexuality and pus. Man I tell ya. It’s a beautiful morning at Dunder-Mifflin. As I like to call it: Great Bratton. Keep it running. “Do I love being manager?” I love my kids, I love real estate, I love ceramics, I love my job, I love wrestling, Find out what language this is. wEsFLdLEE sBrrBd cLWsf NrR mSTw eEEeEmR. IIsT sTRr bObBsKaA. (german?) Nobody’s does this when Creed Bratton gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? *whispering* Creed Bratton I didn’t realize that everybody here dresses up every year. Me neither. It’s Halloween That is really really good timing. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct “old man smell?” I know exactly what he’s talking about. I sprouted mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death. Can you tell us what happened? Um, I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions, And, he was holding a map, and when I walked over, He had, IT out *whispering* on the map. Phyllis, you’re a married woman. The guy was just hanging brain, I mean what’s all the fuss? If that’s flashing then lock me up. The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin, though. Cool beans, man. I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there! Okay, team building. On this side of the room: Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy. And this side of the room: Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed– He never called a meeting Everybody, this is Creed, and he is in charge of… Michael: something Creed: That is correct. Michael: Say hi to the kids. Creed: Hi kids. Michael: Yayyyy….. Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?? *kids going eww except for the one Chad running for a closer look* Stop it! Just no, no no, would you cut it out?! Bobody! Bo-BODY, what does the first B stand for? What are we doing? We’re making acronyms! Okay, what does the first B stand for? Kevin: uhm, BIZNISSZ Iiiii LIKEit BIZNIS! Good, Kevin. Alright, the O, We need a new manager. What are you doing in here? This is the woman’s room. You’re in here I pay for that privilege *yelling* IM A PRETTY NORMAL GUY, I DO ONE WEIRD THING, I LIKE TO GO IN THE WOMAN’S ROOM FOR NUMBER TWO. IVE BEEN CAUGHT SEVERAL TIMES, & I H A V E P A I D D E A R L Y. I remember it was very late at night, like 11:00, 11:30 Big fella comes in screaming about God knows what, I think maybe Halpbert had stolen his car, something like that So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hair spray and a lighter, You’re useless. Why do we as a society, hate old people so much? Because they’re lame. No! Creed, no, they are not! Jim. -Oh, cool. That’s from me. Great! Where’d you get it? I don’t know, it was so long ago. He obviously forgot to get me something. And then he went to his closet and dug out this little number Then threw in the bag. *no shame* Yep, that’s exactly what happened. Sorry I’m late boss, what’s going on? *in a retarded accent* Sir! There has been a murder, and you are suspect. Oh , okay. Hang on just a sec, lemme just settle in, and I’ll be right back. Very good! Very good. Now, no one was there, in the wine cellar, You know what, don’t even worry about it, everyone was so drunk, no one even remembers what you said. I remember. I blogged the whole thing. www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts Check it out. Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the internet, it’s pretty shocking.

Dwight and Angela – The Office US


Give me the dice. Come on, let’s go. Good evening, Dwight. What is this? Good evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins. Then roll an eight. Thank you, Angela. Good luck, Dwight. Dwight, let’s keep it going. Give me the knife! So I broke up with Katy and I haven’t been dating anybody else, so this year I don’t have to worry about Valentine’s Day. It’s gonna be good. I invited a couple friends over, we’re gonna play some cards and I’ll end up winning a lot of money because they’re idiots. It’s gonna be great. What’s this? What is this? I don’t know, it’s on *your* desk. But who put it there? And for what purpose? It was there when I sat down. Happy Valentine’s Day. It’s me, I’m the bobblehead! Yes! Dwight. Dwight! I’ve been doing some very interesting reading Really? Good stuff. Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight we could read it together. That sounds…fun. I…I…will never say a word. And now, we’re even. Hello, Angela. Did you here that somebody totally rocked the house and got me the best present I’ve ever gotten? Really? I wouldn’t know anything about that, but I’m glad you enjoyed it. Oh, I did. I did. I didn’t get anything for Valentine’s Day. Oh, I bet you will before the day is over. Really? Well, I hope I do. Pam, hi. How are you doing? Good. Listen, may I ask you a quick question, privately? You can’t fire me, Dwight, just ’cause Michael’s not here. No, Pam, just–I’m–just– You need to get something for your…girlfriend? Yeah. And the reason I didn’t get anything is because this particular person– who shall remain nameless–is, she’s not really the kind of person you’d think would be into Valentine’s Day. She’s kind of… Tightly wound? Exactly. Okay, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like, what it means instead of what it is. You mean…Like a ham? No. Not like a ham. It’s about doing something. So that the person knows that you really care about them. Right. Okay. Shut up. I know exactly what to do. Is it fine? Be honest. No. It’s awful. I couldn’t hear anything. I’ve had the worst day here. Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving. Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles? Very much. How’s your meat? Dry. Delicious. I heard a joke today. Oh! That’s funny! Yes. It was. Are you enjoying your mineral water? I can’t do this. I can’t be with you. Everytime I look into your eyes I see Sprinkle’s stiff, lifeless body. Then don’t look in my eyes. Look right here. It’s an old sale’s trick. I’m sorry. I gave this everything I could. No. Please don’t do this, Monkey. I’m leaving your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning. Excuse me, Angela. Michael asked me to turn in these receipts for these gift basket items. Thank you. You’re welcome. Is that all? Yes. Elevator. Dwight. You have to listen to me. We are not seeing each other anymore. Can you except that? Fine. Then I just want to be friends. Good. Also a little extra. Also, I love you. Are you warmed up? No. Why is that always my responsibility? What did you do to yourself? Nevermind. Well, it better work. Oh, it’ll work. Stop kissing me. It’s not in the contract. I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day. You’re not stupid. Jazz is stupid. Jazz is stupid! I mean, just play the right notes! I know. It’ll be okay, Monkey. Pull over! Dwight? Pull to the side of the road! Why? I said pull over! What are you…Dwight! Dwight! What the f**k is your problem? Shut up, woman! Who drives like that? I love you! And I don’t care that Philip’s not my son. I will raise one hundred children with one hundred of your lovers if it means that I can be with you. Can you put that down? This expresses how loudly love you! It’s too loud. This is a ring taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melting in a foudrey run by menonites. Okay! Yes! Yes, I will! I love you! I love you! And I lied to you. What? Philip’s your son. What? Why would you say that? I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me. Get out! I’m a dad! You’re a dad! I now pronounce you man and wife. Release the doves! That’s not… Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming! Now, please take your hay bales to the reception, they’ll be used for seating. Complimentary hay hooks are placed along the aisles. Just stab ’em on in there.

Creed Talks About The Office


– No one really liked me, because of, because of the old man smell, so I wasn’t really close to any of the people there. (squeaking) (upbeat music) I was working on Bernie Mac, and Ken Kwapis, the director, came on, he was a big fan of my
band The Grassroots, so I heard that he was
doing the show The Office. I shot my own talking head, presented it to Greg Daniels, and they gave me the Halloween episode with Steve Carell and
the rest, as they say, in the books. Because it’s such a great name. I trolled. Did a lot of trolling for people who didn’t really want me there. The character guy, he’s in the fray, he says, “I can’t believe he’s making “all that music with just his mouth.” I went in the other
room with the director, I says, “why don’t you just “come on close to me
and, you don’t have to, “leave it out of focus,” I said, “and I’ll go, ‘That’s what she said.'” And he says, “I don’t, can’t believe “you made all that music
with just his mouth.” And they come in, “that’s what she said.” People missed the first two times. The third time of
viewing, then they saw it. It was pretty much wasted. In the sixties I made love to many, many women, often outdoors
in the rain and the mud. It’s possible a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing. Ba-da-boom! John Krasinski, when we were doing, we’d do the scenes, he suggested we do it like a David Mamet play. If you notice that one scene, I think it’s Survivor Man, but we’re both in each other’s face, like just going, (rolling tongue) just rapid fire stuff, and it was so, it turned out so much fun. I was at the trial when
Toby was up there testifying with blood all over me, with the parents of the victims and stuff,
bereaved, the press, nobody noticed me. No one saw me there. No one paid any attention. They got the wrong guy. – [Director] So was Creed
the Scranton Strangler? (music stops) – Next question please. Bert. Bert Jacobs. Really good worm guy out in Pennsylvania. Well, he was selling weapons grade drugs to kids besides IDs, military weapons, he had a slave trade
trafficking thing going on, there were so many things we
were gonna bring up, you know. His father was found out to be an alien. That I asked Creed the other day, I said, “did you really kill me?” And he hemmed and hawed for a long time, and uh, I really couldn’t get, I really haven’t got a
straight answer out of him and any of my personalities
about this thing. It’s a quandary to be very honest. Kept my trailer, kept all my wardrobe, I kept some cameras, sound equipment. When I came over recently to
visit the old sound stage, you know, they had, you know,
an indictment against me, basically. So I really can’t go back there anymore. I was over in Romania for a while, shooting this noir Western
called The Sister Brothers. I’ll be going on tour
to promote my new album While the Young Punks Dance. He’d probably escape,
obviously, right away from the Scranton police, so he’s probably off under an assumed name doing the same thing he always did: fishing, living in Canada,
going back and forth, you know, selling drugs, killing people. Just having a really good life. (upbeat music continues) (squeaking)

Should Michael Drive The Forklift? – The Office US


– Today is safety training day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. – Eugh. But! I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. – We are going to listen in on Darryl’s presentation to the warehouse and if I know Darryl, it gonna be something. – Now, this is the forklift. – You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers can’t drive it. – Quiz, Mike. Should you drive the forklift? – I can and I have to —
– No, no no no no no. – I said should you. You should not drive it. – You should not drive the forklift.
– You’re not allowed to drive the forklift. – It’s not safe; you don’t have a license. – Guys, I’m not the only one who’s driven the forklift. – Pudge has driven the forklift.
– Madge. – I thought your name was Pudge. – No, it’s always been Madge.
– Okay. – Um, her. – Her. Yes, her is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. – Okay?
– Alright. – Fine.
– Do you understand that? – Yeeesh. – We do safety training every year or after an accident. – We’ve never made it a full year. – This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf when one office worker who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled, – “Hey Darryl, how’s it hangin’?!” [laughter] – And I fell and busted my ankle. – I’m legitimately scared for my workers. – The baler can flatten a car engine. – It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
– Yeah! – How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler? – Bail her? I hardly know her.
– Damn it, Michael. Pay attention, man. – Anybody want to take a guess? Anybody?
– Five bucks says it’s over fifty. – You really want to bet?
– Anybody? – Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
– How many? – Okay, well… – Ten people, Michael, ten people. Would you like to be one of them? – No, don’t worry about it, we’ll just go double or nothing. – On what?
– I don’t know, something else.
– What are you guys talking about? – These are very dangerous machines down here and the upstairs workers — Michael — should not go anywhere near them. – Yes, yes, but it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world — – It would be the worst thing in the world. It would. Very much so.
– What the hell is wrong with this man? – It’s a big red trash compactor!
– What are you — – It’s not a trash compactor!
[arguing] – I got it, I got it. Only on the rarest of occasions — – No, do not touch the — there is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay? [‘The Office’ theme song] (Hope I did okay subtitling! Don’t forget to subscribe to the channel, it’s seriously awesome. I mean, it’s The Office.)

Kevin’s Famous Chilli – The Office US


At least once a year,
I like to bring in some of my
Kevin’s famous chili. The trick is to
undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to
know each other in the pot. I’m serious about this stuff. I’m up the night before, pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own ancho chiles. It’s a recipe passed down from
Malone’s for generations. It’s probably the thing I do best. [outro]

Dwight Schrute LIFE LESSONS – The Office US


Here we go college Roadshow gotta bring our a-game What is the most inspiring thing I ever said to you don’t be an idiot changed my life Whenever I’m about to do something I think would an idiot do that and if they would I do not do that thing Okay, we can start You’re waiting for me. Yeah Pam, you’re a member of this family. So we won’t wait for our family members Tell us you wanna give it a shot. I got it When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later They discovered that I had Resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger I know have the strength of a grown man and a little baby Okay, why don’t you throw the ball to somebody else? Nope, y’all ed was decapitated He was drunk as a skunk he was flying down Route six, he slides under an 18-wheeler pop it snaps right off That is the way to go Instant death, very smart, you know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated You’re thinking I’m a chicken. What did I say? Hey, hmm, if my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice I do not want to talk about this When I die I want to be frozen and if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it I Will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died And what moves that could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in Do we all have our copy of threat level midnight by Michael Scott? Yeah All right. Let’s get this started. I’m gonna be reading the action descriptions and Phyllis I would like you to play captain Z to Jones. That’s the characters. Well, you guys should not be doing this Why not Dwight? This is a movie I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy you took something. That doesn’t belong to you. Dwight brought it in here Do you want seven to play the lead role of Agent Michael Scarn? Beside the FBI agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk Catherine zeta-jones enters Sir, you have some messages not now. They’re important. Okay, what are they? First messages. I love you. That’s for me. Not in a thousand years Catherine. We work together and get off my desk Yes I have acted before I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I Played the part of mutti the mailman They had too many kids so they made up roles like that That was good Okay, that is not an eight-foot sub we don’t make an eight-foot sub this is a one-foot subs All right, what’s the damage 3960 3960 why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself. I Can deliver food I can drive a taxi I can and do cut my own hair. I did however tip my urologist Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones What did I do I did my job I slashed benefits to the bone I saved this company money was I too harsh maybe I Don’t believe in coddling people in the wild There is no health care in the wild health care is ow I hurt my leg. I can’t run a lion eats me and I’m dead well I’m not dead. I’m the lion You’re dead, okay I will only need two things a roll of duct tape and a knife. I’m on it. Okay, 30 minutes or less. Please come back Save the receipts Hey what Hey wait Wait, I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim’s life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk People say oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace Well, I say it’s better to be hurt by someone, you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose Two o’clock in the afternoon Really beating down on me now. I Think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the Sun is depleting my resources But I will never help him I Will let arm befall him. I will even let him die But I will never let him lose his dignity There we go much better Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I Don’t know what he’s searching for out here I Hope he finds it Lunch Nothing to worry about just using the scope Safety’s On Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won’t be able to jumpstart a car First pop the hood, then you take these bad boys and clip them Anywhere on the engine then you take these and clip them wherever Number 8 learn how to take off a woman’s bra what we will demonstrate on Pam no and no one You just twist your hand until Something breaks. Oh, well you get the picture. Thanks Pam And remember no matter what I will always love you. What if he’s a murderer? You’re not gonna be a murderer. Maybe that’s how you die. You know, what Dwight? Do you want to do this or no? I Want to do with this, okay? From the top ready? three action Now all these people here Too many people on this earth. We need a new plague normalize people You know what? I bet loves a little wedding crashers. No way sure family. Of course. I saw it I saw wedding crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater after an hour I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. That’s the thing about bear attacks They come when you least expect it, you know I just wish I wish I had the investigative powers to actually smoke so many guys out, you know Once again Jim I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phil’s That way I won’t have to get her a gift. I accidentally ran over it. It’s a Christmas miracle Well, get it out of here relax Okay And because this is Christmas I am going to roast this goose and prepare it with a wild rice dressing Do we have any cayenne pepper in the kitchen? Merry Christmas Twain Jim Wow what we got here. What does it look like dead goose and circle gets the square So, can you watch this? I’m gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk No Toby this is different. He’s already dead Once I brought in a duck to prepare for lunch and people got upset Apparently, they got attached to the duck and didn’t want to see it killed He was already dead and we schrutes use every part of the goose The meat has a delicious smoky rich flavor Plus you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator Thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease Wow when when exactly thank you Jim Thank you, sir. Thank you. I never let anyone walk behind me seven out of ten attacks are from the rear. Okay? Well that still leaves a 30% chance that I’ll attack you from the front Yeah, but it’ll be easier to stop. I can always block the blow I can counter it Fear is what it’s all about You cannot sell while undergoing theer. You need to vanquish fear one must wrestle fear to the ground You’re not doing the same analysis over by Ryan you don’t have to wrestling right get in the bunker Ryan Hi Ryan You seem nice what are all the animals

9,986,000 Minutes – The Office US


By his own admission, this person actually tried marijuana in college, so The Doobie-Doobie-Pothead-Stoner of the year award goes to Andy Bernard There’s a lot of people I’d like to thank but I think we all actually want to thank you Michael. Oh, thank you I mean we actually really all want to thank you for everything. Oh my god something’s happening Nine million nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes We actually sat down and did the math Nine million nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes That’s how many minutes that you’ve worked here In costumes and impressions In meetings, in cups of coffee For birthdays, more meetings and, email forwards you made us read Nine million nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes That’s like watching Die Hard eighty thousand times You hit me with your car You helped me get off drugs I watch you when you sleep I forgive you for kissing me Remember to call
(You’ve got to remember to call!) Remember to call
(Love is a gift from up above!) Remember to call
(Text or call or email or call!) Measure, measure your life in love Remember to call
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.) Remember to call
(Yeah, yeah, you’ve got to remember to call) Remember to call Yeah, okay. Well this is gonna hurt like a mother******

Oscar Advises Michael On Medical Procedure – The Office US


[knock at Michael’s Office door] [Michael] Yeah? [Oscar] You wanted to see me? [Michael] Yes, Oscar come on in. Close the door if you would. [Michael] Thank you, thanks so much for talking to me. Yeah, sure. I’m going in for a procedure today. Is everything okay? [Michael] Yeah, it’s … it’s routine, I’m just a little bit scared. I’m sure everything will be fine. [pulls up a chair] What do you? What’s the procedure, if you don’t mind my asking? It is a colonoscopy. Okay. In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or … emotions. [Oscar looks irritated and frustrated] [Michael] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry? [Oscar] [sighs] Oh … my God… My main concern, should I have a safe word? [Oscar] Yeah…