Oscar Advises Michael On Medical Procedure – The Office US


[knock at Michael’s Office door] [Michael] Yeah? [Oscar] You wanted to see me? [Michael] Yes, Oscar come on in. Close the door if you would. [Michael] Thank you, thanks so much for talking to me. Yeah, sure. I’m going in for a procedure today. Is everything okay? [Michael] Yeah, it’s … it’s routine, I’m just a little bit scared. I’m sure everything will be fine. [pulls up a chair] What do you? What’s the procedure, if you don’t mind my asking? It is a colonoscopy. Okay. In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or … emotions. [Oscar looks irritated and frustrated] [Michael] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry? [Oscar] [sighs] Oh … my God… My main concern, should I have a safe word? [Oscar] Yeah…

Goodbye Toby – The Office US


All right! Let’s hear it for Darryl and his band! (Cheering) You know what? Let’s also give a shoutout to Phyllis, for this awesome party, huh! [Cheering] Probably the best one, that we ever had! Right? [all cheering] But the real reason That we are here is to say Goodbye to a guy who we will Probably never ever see again! Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished song writer– Song parody writer I have done things like, Beers in Heaven– Classic –or Total Eclipse of the Fart? I like that one. It’s still my favourite. I love to sing them but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something that I wrote specifically for Toby. Do you know, um, Goodbye Stranger? Supertramp? Yeah. ♪♪ ♪ It was early morning yesterday ♪ ♪ I was up before the dawn ♪ ♪ And I really have enjoyed my stay ♪ ♪ Toby must be moving on ♪ I’m gonna miss Toby He has a nice, calming presence in the office ♪ Goodbye, Toby ♪ ♪ It’s been nice ♪ ♪ Hope you find you paradise ♪ Don’t tell him I said this– But I always thought He was kind of cute. ♪ Come tomorrow♪ ♪ Feel no pain ♪ ♪ Feel…No….Pain!! ♪ ♪ Toby ♪ ♪ Tob-ay ♪ ♪ Toby goin’ away! ♪ ♪ See ya! ♪ ♪ See ya! ♪ ♪ He’s outta here ♪ ♪ See ya! ♪ ♪ He’s outta here! ♪ ♪ Ohhh ♪ ♪ Goodbye, Toby ♪ ♪ Goodbye, Toby ♪ ♪ Goodbye, Toby ♪ ♪ Goodbye, To-by ♪ (Office Theme)

Best of Gabe – The Office US


Alright, he’s on his way up. Okay, we ready? What do you want us to do? Why do I have to explain everything? Because we’re usually not on the same page. [clapping] Oh! Okay. And to you. Stay away from Erin. I’m your boss. Why don’t you, uh, stay away from me? No, I’m gonna stand where I want. Okay, you don’t want to get on my bad side, I’ve seen some horrible things. I own over 200 horror movies. Okay, that’s so weird! Just go away. No, you go away. So, Andy, what improvements would you make as office manager? For starters, I really think we can streamline communication around here. That’s a very heavy accusation to level against Toby. I wasn’t accusing… Well, Toby’s in charge of Human Resources, that would include communication. I think that Toby’s done a fine job. Right. I really wasn’t trying to insult anyone… I didn’t think you were. I have two relationships with Andy. I have a personal relationship, and I have a professional relationship. Personally, yeah, I think he’s a rat and I think he’s responsible for the demise of my relationship with Erin. Professionally, he broke up the happiest couple in this office. How many windows are there in New York City? What? Critical thinking. Common on the spot question asked in an interview. Okay, uh, let me think. Are you counting car windows? No. How far away is the Sun? Uh, 93 million miles. Is it? Yeah. And the diameter of the Sun is 870,000 miles which makes it a hundred and nine times wider than the earth, and three hundred and thirty three thousand times heavier than the earth. Shut up about the Sun! Shut up about the Sun! Walk away, bitch. Well, I manage my department and I’ve been doing that for several years now And… God, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons along the way Your department’s just you, right? Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage. Great. Um, can we just… What was that? We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so. Am I not a serious candidate? What do you want me to say? I mean there’s a line of qualified people out there, we have a Video CV from England. Are we all just gonna pretend to…? Okay. Um… What are your weaknesses? I don’t have any, asshole. Gabe! I need to talk to you. You can’t be in here, this is a ladies bathroom. Erin… Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here every time you go if that’s what it takes. Hey, Creed. Not cool, man. I really think you should leave. Someday you are going to tell our grandchildren about how their grandfather won you back in a women’s room. Gabe, can we talk about this later? I have to go. Okay. Just read the letter under your windshield wiper. Okay, it explains everything. Okay? Do you want– Gabe! Well… Gotta catch a plane. Oh, hey Gabe, I’m sorry we didn’t get you a cake or anything. We’re gonna miss you. Oh! Well, I’m still the corporate liaison to the branch. You are not leaving without giving me a hug. Ugh… Okay. You know what? You don’t need to make that sound. I’m sorry, you were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be! There are plenty of people who love touching me. I’m a terrific hugger. I’ve been with a bunch of girls where that’s basically all they want to do. In case you can’t read my-my-my… Poker Face. [chuckles] We will be reviewing our sales policies. I have ten seconds to explain them or this whole place blows up. MacGruber! Has anyone started calling you Gabe-wad yet? Not here, no. Hey, I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship. For you? Yes! For Gabe. Who are you seeing? That’s great. Whom I’m seeing is Val from down in the warehouse. I’m not technically seeing her, but uh… I’ve seen her… with the eyes and, uh, there was a traction in at least one direction. So… You know, I don’t have to do paperwork unless you’re actually dating. Okay, well, once this starts it’s gonna to be moving fast It’s gonna be hot and heavy, and I don’t want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock, you know. But I mean, have you talked to her? Yeah, we had a whole conversation about Mondays Do you know her last name yet? Toby, I’m gonna tell you her last name tomorrow because she’s gonna be screaming it tonight. She’s gonna be screaming her own last name? Hey! Watch it. Good luck, Gabe. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. She wouldn’t even let me say it. It was adorable, she’d plug her ears and scream her heart out– Gabe, can you stop talking? Because every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican. I got a tattoo for you. I didn’t ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did. You did that for you! Just do it. You were the ‘it’ that I was just doing. Oh, you play? Oh, I like to create sound scapes. Imagine one instant of a song expanded to be the size of the universe. I can’t even do that. This one’s called: ‘Earth Rise on the Moon’. That’s so beautiful… What kind of music are you into, Peter? Uh… I like all kinds of music, Gabe. Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan? No! Erin, are you even hearing this? Gabe, he didn’t even say that! He’s not a very sophisticated man. I mean, he can’t use chopsticks. So, heh. Do I need to say anything else? Erin, I’ve been to Japan. I know how to use chopsticks so well. Come back. One night. Give me one night with you. Gabe, what is that supposed to be– I’ve shaved everything– I don’t want you to shave everything! I wasted two years of my life on you. You realize that, right? I just want to be real clear, that chopsticks is not the measure of a man. I am as smooth as a porpoise for you. Oh man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180-pound man with no fat. Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don’t you just take estrogen? There you go boys, see how Papa takes care of you? I remember when people thought biceps are all that. They’d flex them all night at the discotheque. Oh, I bet you think it’s all about core, huh? Yeah. Core’s critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One, lengthen. Two, elongate. Listen guys. I think we all want to know the same thing, right? Who’s the strongest? Well, there’s only one way to solve that. Thigh curl contest. Alright, here we go everybody. May the manliest man win! Go. Feast on this, Lewis. I love the burn! The burn is where I live. Come on Gabe, you can’t handle his hamstrings! You’re getting hypno-thighs-ed! Speed set! One! Two! Here, this is for your elbows. For your elbows! Oh, thank you. You’re welcome. Quick phone call for you guys! Keep going! Eight, nine ten! We got it? Very funny Jim. Yeah, Jim. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies. Everyone, conference room, now. Alright, easy. Did someone say girl talk? Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum because I am great at girl talk. Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I’m pretty deep into Hee-Jung Cinderella girl, although, I definitely fast forward through the Young-Tae storylines. Do you think I’d like that or is it important to have an asian fetish? Uh, I think you’re gonna need to have an asian fetish. Yeah. It’ll be upsetting if you don’t. Everyone, please relax. I think you’re gonna like this surprise guest. Happy birthday to Gabe! Oh get out, Skeleton Man. Very funny everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I’m not even kidding. They’re pretty good. Which one in particular? Yeah, which one? Well, the first one has a surprise factor. I’m a suck suck suckity Sabre. Booyah! No. No, no. No, no, no. But uh, I suppose the second one is the better written line. You suppose? What’s it say? “I’m supposed to be wearing red gloves, but my color cartridge portal got jammed again.” Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Heh, heh. Gloves. One for you, Cool, thanks! and one for you. Cool, thanks. Oh! You missed your head. There you go. Phyllis, think fast.

Push Ups – The Office US


Okay, breathe work your core How many is that? Not counting the last.. 25 Count the last one? Okay, 25 and one girl pushup. New record What did you do today? I made a sale. Oh, yeah sitting on your big fat butt Alright, that is the number to beat. What do we get if we do em? My respect Okay, I’ll make it a little more interesting Anyone who is more than 25 push-ups and one girl pushup gets to go home OHhHhhhHH I say dance they say how high Here we go, oh no, no, no what? Too high. DISQUALIFIED What do we got Creed. disqualified! Come on Nineteen. I had a really hard workout this morning. Oh, wow, that is adorable (we get it micheal lol) Yeah.. I’m betting 1 more StAnLEy StAnLEy STANLEY StAnLEy STAYANLEEEEE StAnLEy StAnLEy StAnLEy Essentially what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her, baby Well, it’s not exactly fair. It’s got all of his weight that’s helping him go down 25 Come on GET IT STANLEY. YOU LEGIT DO MORE THAN ME Are you okay? Stanley Excuse me Wow

Standoff – The Office US


[Andy] I didn’t do it! [Dwight] OK! [Dwight] Everybody just caaaaaaalm down. [Michael] On the count of three, we’re all gonna put down our guns. [Dwight] I have cross-pose. [Michael] We’ll put down our weaponry on the count of three. [Dwight] OK. [Michael] You ready? [Dwight] I’m ready. [Michael] Ooooooone. [Michael and Dwight] Twooooo. [Michael] Threeee. [All yell] [Jim] Andy revealed himself to be a double agent. [Jim] At which point, Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was a double agent. [Jim] And then, Michael announced to everybody that… [Jim] Get this… [Jim] He was a double agent. [Jim] Oh! And it is six o’clock. [Awkward silence] [Jim] Really? [Pam] It wasn’t me! [Pam] I’m not going down for this! [Jim] Yeah, I wanna go home. [Pam] Get the keys out of my purse and start the car. [Pam runs off] [More awkward silence] [All yell and act like they’re shooting each other] [Dying sounds] [Ending of the video] Subtitles by jakanz

Jim & Dwight’s Party Planning – The Office US


[Door slam] Hey Kelly. Screw you. Excuse me? That is no way to address a superior. Oh yeah? Screw you too. Woah. What was that all about? You forgot her birthday. It was yesterday. [Both] Go ahead. [Dwight] You do it. [Jim] Okay. [Dwight] I insist. Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela Michael asked them both to step down from the party planning committee because there was too much drama. What he said, was- Just easy. – There was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful So I appointed two heads. [Both talking at once] [Dwight] This is humiliating. That’s… on my side. So this is fun. My birthday was yesterday and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited and no one said a word. There wasn’t even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl. Are you kidding? Well I’m not done yet. Dwight, This, fits in the palm of my hand. You haven’t blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons? They match the carpet. What is that? “It is your birthday.” – It’s a statement of fact. Not even an exclamation point? This is more professional! It’s not like she discovered a cure for cancer. I can’t believe how bad this looks. Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so you are succeeding. Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s. Okay good then. Have you collected the money from everyone? I am working on it. How much do you have? Six dollars. That’s how much you and I contributed. Damn it, Jim! I said I was working on it. [Dwight] What did you do? [Kelly] Stop yelling at me! [Dwight] What did you do? [Kelly] I didn’t do anything! What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm? Hey, what the hell’s going on? Why don’t you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15. I was… kicking it. In juvie. What? Juvie…nile. Detention center. Where they send teenagers. Yep. For rehabi- Got it. What did you do? Huh? Hey, Dwight? Sounds like she was 14. So maybe we want to go a little easy. Yeah, if she’s old enough to get married, She’s old enough to follow the law. What did you do? My boyfriend dumped me, so I stole his boat. I mean He told me it was his boat – it was actually his father’s. and I just thought it’d be really romantic like Thelma and Louise but with like a boat. And it was… the worst year of my life and I can’t believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday. I thought you said yesterday was your birthday. Hey you know what? I got you a cake. You did? I want to see the cake. And… Tada. I hate it. How do you hate it? It’s a cake. Well there’s no flowers or toys or – I mean there’s nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this? I mean it doesn’t have my name on it. Do you guys know what my name is? My name is Kelly. Right. I forgot if there was an E between the L and the Y. I still don’t know. I mean, I don’t even know what the theme is. What’s the theme? [Both] Birthday. [Both] Frosting. Those aren’t themes. There’s always a theme. There’s always a theme. Nice job on the cake, bozo. Okay you know what? Next time I’ll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl. Okay, so all we need is a theme, and cups and ice and punch and a cake. – Busy. Hey what’s that show that she’s always talking about. – Oh my god. Is this how you are with Pam? Cause she must want to shoot herself in the face. You know what? I could use a little help. You know what? I’m a little busy. We have a lot to do and you are putting up a very effeminate sign. Is that what you’ve been doing? Making a sign? – It’s not effeminate, it’s festive. You’ve been making that sign for something that we could just announce to the whole office. Hey everybody, the party’s now at 3:00. I know I just read it on the sign. [Blows air into ballon] We have to write my suggestions down too. I’m not writing horse hunt. I don’t even know that means. It’s in the name. Okay so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football, mating, charades and yes, horse hunting. You’re right, forget horse hunting it’s stupid. Look, is there a birthday that you remember that you loved? Here’s one It was dark, warm, wet, a sudden burst of light, an intense pressure like I’d never felt before, father dressed in white pulls me forward, mother bites the cord- Okay stop. Forever stop that story. That’s disgusting, and it doesn’t count. So give me another one. Schrutes don’t celebrate birthdays idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year. What about you? Actually when I was seven my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day he got me a little plastic Triceratops. It was awesome. That’s cool. Hey you know what’s even cooler than Triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed. Didn’t see that one coming. [Everyone] Happy birthday. [Meredith] Surprise! [Dwight] Hey, it’s- hey It’s not a surprise. This doesn’t look good. What? You have a cake. You have a delicious cake with your name spelled correctly? Told you. You haven’t heard our theme though. You don’t hear a theme you see it. Why is there a chiclet on my cake? That’s the best part that represents a pillow or a television. Our theme, if you will. Because the fun part is you get to decide on an hour of television or an hour of napping. That’s our theme. Cool. Yeah? I love it. Oh! Yes! Okay good. So what’s it gonna be Kapoor? – Ooh! Can she pick a half hour of each? No. Oh then pick TV. Take a nap. No, no, no watching TV at work is really cool. Pick nap nothing good is on right now. Bonnie Hunt is on. You know what, I have been watching TV all week, I choose nap. All right. Okay nap it is. Everyone out. Get out. We’re gonna be eating cake at our desks. Let’s go. Move it. Let’s go go-go-go-go. Come on. I got this. Hem hem. This is for you, and, happy birthday Kel. [giggles] Thank you. Okay, you’ve got one hour. [Door slam] Too excited to sleep. Mm. Great cake. Thanks. [Door opens] [Crashing] Birthday time is over. Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. Many happy returns. [Door slam] [The Office theme]

SpeedOMeter – The Office US


[telephone rings] Dunder Mifflin,
this is Pam. I’m sorry,
he’s not in yet. Would you like his voicemail? [Michael yelling] Yeah! Yeah, okay! 12 miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis! Angela made sever 911 calls
about cars going too fast in front of the building,
so the police put up a radar gun. It’s actually caused
a bit of a traffic hazard. [Dwight yelling] Wow, 13! No, no. No, there was wind. I was just jogging. Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over. No, no, no,
it’s not your turn. All right,
13 is the new number. Oscar, go ahead. I want another try.
Here we go! 31!
31! There was a car. I was ahead of the car,
31 is my new number. 31 is humanly impossible. Go, Oscar, 31’s my number. That’s impossible. Beat it! [outro]

Michael’s Pyramid Scheme – The Office US


So… Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you. Who is this guy again? Don’t worry about Phil,
he drives a Corvette. He’s doin’ just fine. Okay. Calling cards…
are the wave of the future. These things sell themselves. Who uses calling cards anymore? Michael: You know what?
That’s a nice attitude, Ryan. I’m just helping you invest
in your future, my friend. This sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme. Yes, thank you! You will get rich quick!
We all will! Didn’t you lose a lot of money on that
other investment? The one from the e-mail? You know what, Toby? When the son of the disposed king of Nigeria
emails you directly… asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country.
Okay? Alright, raise your hands
if you wanna get rich. Alright. No, umm… How is this not a pyramid scheme? Alright, let me explain. Again. Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing,
the more money we are all going to make. It’s not a pyramid scheme. It is a…
It’s not even a scheme per se. It’s… I have to go make a call.

‘OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!’ – The Office US


Here’s what’s going to happen. I am going to have to fix you. Manage you two, on a more personal scale. A more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called? “Micro-gement?” Boom. Yes. Now Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you’re going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let’s go. All right fine. bbbrrring (bing) Hello. Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin paper company. Well that’s great, because I need paper. Excellent, then you are in luck because we are having a limited time offer, only on EVERYTHING. Wow, this is my lucky day! [whispered] Ask him his name. What is your name sir? I am Bill Buttlicker. Really, that’s your real name? How dare you? My family built this country by the way, Be respectful Dwight, please. Yes, Michael. Could you hold on one second, it’s my other line. What? No, but I… Hello? Yeah *Laughs* No, I’m just on the phone with this STUPID salesman. He’s so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. Okay! It’s up to you to change his mind. Sorry, that was a family emergency. Oh no, what’s wrong? You know what? That’s private. Boundaries, Dwight! C’mon! Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Buttlicker! As I was saying: we are having a limited- Sorry could you speak up a little bit louder? I’m hard of hearing. It’s hard if he’s an old man. Okay, as I was saying right now – You gotta talk louder. Okay. Our prices have never been lower – Son, you have to talk louder! … Never been lower! LOUDER, SON! BUTTLICKER! OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER! Stop it, stop it! That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client! Now you listen to me, sir. Here we go. The three words I would describe you as, is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult! Please Mr Buttlicker. Am I right, right now? Give me the phone. Please give me another chance. Mr Buttlicker? Give me the phone. I have to put you on with my boss. Well I should hope so. Who is this? Hello. This is Michael Scott, regional manager. Well, this is William M. Buttlicker. Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you? Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna buy 1 million dollars worth of paper products today. See how it’s done? Thank you very much, sir. I don’t think you’ll regret it. See what I did? You’re the master. There is one condition Michael. Yes? You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly. Don’t do, it Michael. *whispers* It’s a million dollar sale. You

Football In The Office – The Office US


Let’s think this through. If we ask corporate for that, then… [Dwight] They are either gonna say yes or no. [Michael] Could go either way. We don’t know what they are going to say! [Dwight] Think it through! We have to think it through! Because if they say no… Can we not? No, yes we have to! You know why? Because I don’t like to be cooped up in that office. In that box. All day long. Heismann! Because I need to think. OK, Jim? Oh, Kevin! Ooooh! [Michael laughing] [grunts] Nice catch! [grunting] Oscaaaaaaaaar! Intercepted. Right here. Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. OK, give me the ball. Giv– You guys– Creed, give me the ball! Right now, give it to me! Ryan! AAAAAAAAAAHH! Aah! Fumble! Yeaaggh! [grunting aggressively] Aaaah!
[Michael] Alright, hey! Dwight! [laughing overzealously] Whooooo! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike! [sighs quietly] You alright, Ryan? Ryan. Yeah. [sighs] Pam!