Stephen Pays Tribute To John Meiklejohn


FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I AM A VERY
LUCKY MAN TO DO THIS SHOW. AND I’M VERY LUCKY TO WORK WITH
ALL THESE PEOPLE HERE, AND SOME OF THEM I’VE WORKED WITH FOR A
LONG TIME. AND ONE OF THE PEOPLE I WORKED
WITH THE LONGEST WAS THE GUY WHO USED TO BE ON THIS CAMERA RIGHT
HERE, CAMERA 2. NOT ONLY HERE BUT BACK AT THE
“COLBERT REPORT.” CAMERA TWO IS WHAT’S CALLED HOME
BASE. IT’S THE CAMERA YOU’RE TALKING
TO MOST OF THE TIME. AND THE GUY BEHIND THAT CAMERA
WAS A MAN NAMED JOHN MICHAEL MICHAELJOHN. AND HE WAS– WELL, HE WAS KNOWN
TO EVERYBODY. HE HAD BEEN WORKING IN NEW YORK
FOREVER. HE BELIEVED IN ME. AND I COULD FEEL IT FROM HIM. AND, SADLY, WE LOST JOHN LAST
WEEKEND. AND… I WISH I COULD HAVE SEEN
HIM AGAIN. HE LIKED TO TALK ABOUT HIS BOAT. HE LIKED TO TALK ABOUT FISHING. HE WOULD LISTEN TO ALL MY
STORIES ABOUT MY BOAT AND MY FISHING THAT NOBODY ELSE WANTED
TO HEAR. HE GAVE ME A BEAUTIFUL FISHING
ROD FOR MY 50th BIRTHDAY. AND HE GAVE ME THE GREATEST GIFT
OF ALL. AS I SAID, HE BELIEVED IN ME. WHEN MY OLD SHOW HAD JUST BEGUN
WE HAD AN ORDER FOR 32 EPISODES OF “THE COLBERT REPORT Q” DIDN’T
KNOW IF IT WAS GOING TO CONTINUE, AND ONE NIGHT MY
FATHER-IN-LAW WAS SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW OF THE OLD THEATER. AND AFTER THE SHOW WAS OVER HE
CAME UP TO JOHN AND SAID TO HIM– WITHOUT SAYING THAT HE WAS
MY FATHER-IN-LAW– HE SAID, “WHAT DO YOU THINK? DO YOU THINK THIS SHOW IS GOING
TO CONTINUE?” AND JOHN MICHAELJOHN SAID, “I
DO.” AND HE SAID, “BECAUSE OF THAT
GUY AT THE DESK. HE CAN DO THIS. I’VE SEEN A LOT OF PEOPLE DO
THIS, AND HE’S GOT IT.” AND I NEVER FORGOT THAT HE SAID
THAT. I NEVER FORGOT THAT HE BELIEVED
IN ME. AND I KNEW THAT HE WAS FEELING
THAT AND HE WAS BELIEVING IN ME EVERY TIME I LOOKED INTO HIS
CAMERA EVERY NIGHT. AND SO, WELL, I NEVER GOT TO SEE
HIM AGAIN. I DO MISS HIM. I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU, JOHN. I LOVE YOU, OLD MAN. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Socialist Councilwoman Accepts Less Than Half of $117K Salary


I want to talk about a socialist
councilwoman who is putting her money where her mouth is and not accepting her
full salary this is an NBC news Seattle has won
socialist city council member and she announced that she is going to
make good on a campaign pledge and accept a salary that is equal to the average salary in
this city as opposed to the salary she could get
the 117 thousand dollar salary that she is
entitled to which by the way under the highest City Council sale
salaries in the country ever all but forty thousand dollars is
going to go to different charities strike funds women’s rights groups et cetera she will
keep forty thousand dollars because that is more or less the average
all-time pay up someone who lives in Seattle this is fascinating to me Lewis this is
this is just interesting because imagine if this rule applied in the house and senate at the United
States you weren’t the average salary over those in your congressional district there in your
state things would be upended overnight I don’t know David I think if
you to I think if you told I senators and
congressmen bat that that was going to be the case
they do everything in their power to make sure the billionaire start moving
to their state right with a just mess with the average well then then you know maybe has to be the median
rather than the meaner you know you can figure that out but Councilwoman so wind
is the first socialist to be elected in Seattle in about a hundred years according to what city council staff
told The Associated Press I think that this is very interesting we
will see how it goes and we’ll see what the reaction is and it just further reinforces we need
to change the way that politics is funded and financed in this country and you know even if we did the average
salary thing there could still be gift’s there could still be the promise so huge lobbying a jobs when you finish you can earn in so
many other things we we’ve got a lot of work to do

James Corden Pays Tribute to Kobe Bryant


THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE I’M SURE YOU ARE FEELING THE
SAME AS I AM, AS SO MANY PEOPLE ARE YESTERDAY. IT IS STILL SO HARD TO FATHOM
THE NEWS YESTERDAY THAT WE LOST KOBE BRYANT. AND THE SHOCK OF HEARING THE
NEWS THAT THERE HAD BEEN A HOLD KEPTER THAT CRASHED OUTSIDE OF
LOS ANGELES AND TAKING KOBE AND HIS DAUGHTER GIANNA AND SEVEN
OTHER PEOPLE. IT DIDN’T FEEL REAL WHEN I HEARD
IT. AND IT IS SO UNSPEAKABLY SAD. ALL OF IT, YOU KNOW. GROWING UP IN BRITAIN, LIKE IF
YOU GROW UP IN BRITAIN, BASKETBALL IS NOT A MASSIVE PART
OF YOUR LIFE. NOT MANY PEOPLE PLAY BASKETBALL
AT SCHOOL. NBA GAMES WEREN’T ON TELEVISION
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP. THERE WERE WERE SOME ATHLETES
THAT TRANSCEND THEIR SPORT, BEFORE YOU EVER EVEN GET A
CHANCE TO SEE THEM PLAY. AND KOBE BRYANT WAS ONE OF THOSE
ATHLETES. HE REALLY, REALLY WAS. AND I KEEP FINDING MYSELF
THINKING ABOUT THE LAST TIME THAT KOBE WAS HERE ON THE SHOW. HE WAS FRESHLY RETIRED. AND HE COULDN’T STOP TALKING
ABOUT HOW EXCITED HE WAS TO HAVE ALL THIS FREE TIME TO DE VOTE TO
HIS FAMILY AND TO COACH HIS DAUGHTERS. AND I REMEMBER LOVING HEARING
HIM TALK LIKE THAT, A MAN WHO HAD ACHIEVED SO MUCH IN HIS
LIFE. HE WAS SO EXCITED JUST TO GET TO
BE A DAD FOR AWHILE. AND OUR HEARTS BREAK AT THIS
TRAGEDY. OUR THOUGHTS AND OUR LOVE GO OUT
TO KOBE’S WIFE AND TO HIS CHILDREN, HIS FAMILY, HIS
FRIENDS. WE MOURN THE OTHER SEVEN PEOPLE
ON THAT HELICOPTER WHOSE LOSS IS NO LESS PROFOUND. AND OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO THEIR
FRIENDS AND FAMILY TOO. I WISH I COULD SAY SOMETHING TO
MAKE SENSE OF IT ALL. AND I CAN’T FIND THE WORDS TO
SAY, ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THIS, IF YOU CAN, TAKE A MOMENT
TONIGHT, TOMORROW, TO CALL UP SOMEONE YOU LOVE, TO JUST LET
THEM KNOW. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK FOR MORE OF
THE “LATE, LATE SHOW.” ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪

Trump Pays $2 Million To Charity (By Court Order)


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IT IS TRISTATE. TRUMP’S HAD ANOTHER ROUGH WEEK
ON THE IMPEACHMENT FRONT, BUT HE’S GOT SOMETHING TO LOOK
FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND. ON SATURDAY, HE’S GOING TO THE
ANNUAL ARMY-NAVY FOOTBALL GAME. NOW, THIS IS ONE SPORTING EVENT
WHERE TRUMP’S GOT A PRETTY GOOD CHANCE OF NOT GETTING BOOED. ( LAUGHTER )
AND EVEN IF HE IS, THE BOOING WILL BE HIGHLY REGIMENTED:
“SIR, BOO, SIR! PERMISSION TO TELL YOU THAT YOU
SUCK, SIR!” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SOON– SOON–
SOON, TRUMP COULD HAVE A WHOLE NEW MILITARY TEAM TO ROOT FOR,
BECAUSE THIS WEEK, THE HOUSE PASSED A BILL TO ESTABLISH SPACE
FORCE, WHICH WILL BE DEDICATED TO HANDLING THREATS IN SPACE. ( AS TRUMP )
“LOT OF HIGH-TECH THREATS UP THERE. I HEAR THEY’VE BEEN MAKING
SMALLER AND MUCH MORE PORTABLE YODAS.” ( LAUGHTER )
EVEN BEFORE THE BILL PASSED, TRUMP WAS ALREADY BOASTING ABOUT
SPACE FORCE.>>IT’S ONE OF THE BIGGEST
APPLAUSE OF ANYTHING. IT’S THE SIXTH BRANCH OF THE
UNITED STATES ARMED FORCES, THE SPACE FORCE.>>Stephen: “IT’S ONE OF THE
BIGGEST APPLAUSE”? ( AS TRUMP )
“I’LL DO ANYTHING PEOPLE CLAP FOR! WHO WANTS ‘FREE BEER FORCE’? HOW ABOUT
‘NAME-OF-THE-TOWN-I’M-IN FORCE’?”
BUT SPACE ISN’T AS LOFTY AS IT SOUNDS, BECAUSE THE NEW SPACE
FORCE WILL STILL BE HOUSED WITHIN THE AIR FORCE AND BE
STAFFED BY PERSONNEL WITHIN THE AIR FORCE WHO CURRENTLY WORK ON
SPACE. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S RIGHT: SPACE FORCE’S HEADQUARTERS WILL BE IN… PRE-EXISTING OFFICE SPACE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, THE REASON HOUSE DEMOCRATS GAVE TRUMP HIS SPACE FORCE IS
BECAUSE THE BILL THAT ESTABLISHED SPACE FORCE ALSO
CONTAINS THEIR FUTURISTIC DREAM PROJECT: PAID PARENTAL LEAVE FOR
FEDERAL WORKERS. THAT IS GREAT. HELL, YEAH, THAT IS REALLY GET. I’M NOT SURPRISED TRUMP AGREED
TO THAT. ( AS TRUMP )
“MAKES SENSE. WHEN THINGS GET PARENTAL, I
ALWAYS LEAVE.” BUT TRUMP’S NOT JUST GETTING
COOL SPACE TOYS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON. HE’S ALSO DOING SOME GIVING. THIS WEEK, WE LEARNED “HE PAID
$2 MILLION TO EIGHT CHARITIES.” THAT’S A GENEROUS GIFT THAT CAME
STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART OF THE NEW YORK COURT SYSTEM. BECAUSE TRUMP ONLY GAVE A DIME
BECAUSE HE WAS ORDERED BY A JUDGE WHO FOUND THE PRESIDENT
HAD ILLEGALLY USED FUNDS FROM HIS SUPPOSED CHARITY, THE
DONALD J. TRUMP FOUNDATION. THIS IS AN EXCITING MODERN TWIST
>>Audience: BOOO!>>YI AGREE. THIS IS AN EXCITING MODERN TWIST
ON THE ENDING TO “A CHRISTMAS CAROL.” ( AS SCROOGE )
“YOU, BOY! DOWN THERE! WHAT DAY IS IT, BOY?”
( AS CHILD ) “WHY, IT’S THE DAY YOU’RE
LEGALLY COMPELLED TO GIVE TO CHARITY, SIR! ( LAUGHTER )
I’VE GOT A SUBPOENA FOR A CHRISTMAS GOOSE!”
“DARLING BOY! CHARMING BOY!”
IN COURT, DONALD TRUMP ADMITTED TO SHOCKING MISUSE OF HIS
CHARITY’S FUNDS, INCLUDING GIVING HIS OWN PRESIDENTIAL
CAMPAIGN $2.8 MILLION FROM A VETERANS FUND-RAISER, AND
SPENDING $10,000 ON A PORTRAIT OF HIMSELF. ( AS TRUMP )
“IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. IT’S LOOK A MIRROR THAT DOESN’T
KNOW WHEN I’M NAKED.” THIS I LIKE: TRUMP’S THREE ADULT
KIDS WERE OFFICERS OF THE FOUNDATION, AND AS PART OF THE
SETTLEMENT, ERIC, DON JR., AND IVANKA WERE ORDERED TO UNDERGO
MANDATORY TRAINING TO ENSURE THEY DO NOT ENGAGE IN SIMILAR
MISCONDUCT IN THE FUTURE. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A BIG DAY
FOR ERIC. ( AS ERIC )
“GUYS IT WAS SO FUN– IT WAS SO FUN TO HANG OUT AFFECT AT
MANDATORY CHARITY CLASS! HEY, LET’S HAVE A CLASS REUNION
RIGHT NOW! COME BACK! COME BACK! I’LL GIVE YOU MONEY TO STICK
AROUND! ISN’T THAT– ISN’T THAT HOW
CHARITY WORKS? ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS ) LOVE ME!”
MANDATORY CHARITY TRAINING, MANDATORY CHARITY TRAINING,
MANDATORY CHARITY TRAINING, HIS CHILDREN HAD TO GO TO
MANDATORY CHARITY TRAINING. WHAT KIND OF TEST DO YOU HAVE TO
TAKE AT THE END OF THAT COURSE? QUESTION 1: CHARITY IS:
A: VOLUNTARY GIVING; B: THE NAME OF THE LADY DAD SAYS
TO NEVER TELL MELANIA ABOUT. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW– I’M SORRY. DIJUST BREAK SOME NEWS TO YOU
ABOUT HIS FIDELITY? TRUMP DIDN’T GET TO CHOOSE WHICH
CHARITIES GOT HIS COURT-ORDERED DONATIONS, AND YOU CAN TELL,
BECAUSE ONE OF THEM IS THE UNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND. YES, GOOD FOR THEM. GIVE, GIVE, GIVE, AN EXCELLENT
CHARITY. AND WE HAVE A PHOTOCOPY OF
TRUMP’S CHECK TO THEM. WHAT’S ON THE MEMO LINE? ( AS TRUMP )
“DO I GET TO SAY IT NOW?”

Trump Is Turning The Oval Office Into A Treehouse


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, THE BIG NEWS OUT OF
WASHINGTON, D.C., JUST THIS AFTERNOON, AS THE WHITE HOUSE
FINALLY RELEASED TRUMP’S TAX PLAN. THAT PLAN? NEVER RELEASE TRUMP’S TAXES. ( LAUGHTER )
ANYTHING? HAS HE RELEASED THEM YET? NO, NO. SO FAR, ALL HE’S RELEASED IS HIS
1040 F-U. TO EXPLAIN THE PLAN, TRUMP SENT
OUT HIS TEAM OF WORKING CLASS, BLUE COLLAR, FORMER GOLDMAN
SACHS EXECUTIVES, GARY COHN AND STEVE MNUCHIN.>>WE ARE GOING TO CUT TAXES AND
SIMPLIFY THE TAX CODE BY TAKING THE CURRENT SEVEN TAX BRACKETS
WE HAVE TODAY AND REDUCING THEM TO ONLY THREE BRACKETS:
A 10% BRACKET, A 25% BRACKET, AND A 35% BRACKET
>>Stephen: OH, YEAH, BABY, FEWER BRACKETS. IT’S REALLY GOING TO SIMPLIFY
YOUR OFFICE POOL DURING TAX MADNESS. , OF COURSE, LOOK AT THE
BRACTSES. YOU CAN TELL. IT’S POOR VERSUS MIDDLE CLASS,
AND RICH VERSUS NOBODY, BECAUSE THEY WIN. NOW, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
HAS A VERY STRONG RATIONALE FOR SIMPLIFYING THE TAX CODE.>>IN 1935, WE HAD A ONE-PAGE
TAX FORM CONSISTING OF 34 LINES WITH TWO PAGES OF INSTRUCTIONS. TODAY, THE BASIC 1040 FORM HAS
79 LINES AND 211 PAGES OF INSTRUCTIONS. GLSK, 1935 WAS THE
HEIGHT OF THE GREAT DEPRESSION, SO THE TWO-PAGE FORM WAS JUST
“PAGE ONE: DO YOU HAVE MONEY? YES OR NO.” AND PAGE TWO WAS SO YOU WOULD
HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP’S MADE THIS PLAN EVEN SIMPLER BECAUSE IT’S JUST ONE
PAGE OF DOUBLE-SPACED BULLET POINTS WITH SOME HEFTY MARGINS. I’M GOING TO SAY IT’S NOT
REALLUCONFIDENCE BUILDING WHEN REALLY CONFIDENCE BUILDING WHEN
YOUR TAX REFORM PLAN IS HALF AS LONG AS THE INSTRUCTIONS TO SET
UP A VITAMIX. HEY, YOU GUYS REMEMBER ABOUT
TRUMP AND RUSSIA AND HOW MAYBE THEY HAVE INCRIMINATING
INFORMATION ON OUR PRESIDENT AND ARE RUNNING HIM LIKE A
FOREIGN AGENT AND HOW MEMBERS OF HIS TEAM WERE CAUGHT ON TAPE
BY THE F.B.I. TALKING TO KNOWN RUSSIAN OPERATIVES AFTER
PROMISING THEY’D NEVER MET THEM? REMEMBER THAT? ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, THERE’S MORE. THIS TIME, IT’S ABOUT FORMER
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND BEFORE PICTURE IN A LAXATIVE AD,
MICHAEL FLYNN. THE PRESIDENT FIRED FLYNN BACK
IN FEBRUARY BECAUSE FLYNN LIED ABOUT DISCUSSING SANCTIONS WITH
THE RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR BEFORE TRUMP TOOK OFFICE. TURNS OUT, THAT WAS JUST THE TIP
OF THE CORRUPTION-BERG, BECAUSE WE LEARNED YESTERDAY THAT FLYNN
ALSO DIDN’T DISCLOSE THAT HE HAD BEEN PAID MORE THAN $65,000 BY
COMPANIES LINKED TO RUSSIA IN 2015, INCLUDING A $45,000
SPEAKING FEE FROM THE KREMLIN-CONTROLLED TV NETWORK,
RUSSIA TODAY. AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME
FOOTAGE– I KNOW, IT’S UPSETTING, IT’S UPSETTING. WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF FLYNN’S
SPEECH. ♪ O-HO-HO-HO-HOOOO
LA-LA-LA♪ THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, SIR. BUT IT’S NOT LIKE FLYNN WAS A
DOUBLE AGENT WORKING FOR RUSSIA. HE WAS A TRIPLE AGENT BECAUSE HE
WAS ALSO WORKING FOR TURKEY, WHICH PAID HIM MORE THAN
$500,000. LOOK, WHEN YOU’RE NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR, YOU’VE GOT TO DISCLOSE FOREIGN PAYMENTS. OTHERWISE, YOU END UP WITH A
SITUATION LIKE THIS: “GENERAL FLYNN, SHOULD WE BOMB
TURKEY?” “HOLD ON, SIR. LET ME CHECK MY VENMO.” AND I’D HOLD OFF. AND THE CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE
OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE, JASON CHAFFETZ, HAD WHAT I WOULD
DESCRIBE AS A FLACCID CONDEMNATION OF FLYNN’S ACTIONS.>>FROM WHAT YOU’VE SEEN SO FAR,
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT MICHAEL FLYNN BROKE THE LAW?>>PERSONALLY, I SEE NO
INFORMATION OR NO DATA TO SUPPORT THE NOTION THAT GENERAL
FLYNN COMPLIED WITH THE LAW.>>Stephen: I HAVE SEEN NO
INFORMATION OR DATA TO CONFIRM THAT FLYNN COMFLIED WITH THE
LAW. THERE IT IS. YOU CAN’T SAY ANYTHING STRONGER
THAN THAT, “DARLING, I HAVE DONE THE RESEARCH, AND I SEE NO
EVIDENCE THAT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. THEREFORE, THE ONLY POSSIBLE
CONCLUSION I CAN REACH IS WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
( LAUGHTER ) THEN CHAFFETZ BURROWED OVER TO
GRETA VAN SUSTREN’S NEW MSNBC SHOW TO CLARIFY.>>ALL RIGHT, TO SHORTHAND THIS,
WOULD YOU SAY AFTER WHAT YOU REVIEWED TODAY THAT GENERAL
FLYNN IS IN A HEAP OF TROUBLE?>>YES, YES. CLEARLY, UHM, YOU CAN’T DO THIS.>>Stephen: YES, YOU CAN’T DO
THIS! AS GEORGE WASHINGTON SAID TO
BENEDICT ARNOLD, “NO FAIRSIES, BENNY! YOU PROMISED TO BE ON OUR SIDE. KNOCK IT OFF!”
SERIOUSLY! JASON CHAFFETZ, PLEASE, JUST
GROW A PAIR AND TELL US WHAT FLYNN DID. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU GUTLESS CHARLES SCHULZ ROUGH DRAFT. QUICK ASIDE, QUICK ASIDE. CONGRATULATIONS TO GRETA ON HER
NEW, SHOW “FOR THE RECORD.” IF YOU REMEMBER, FOR YEARS, HER
OLD SHOW ON FOX NEWS WAS CALLED “ON THE RECORD.” BECAUSE “FOR” THE RECORD, SHE NO
LONGER BELIEVES ANYTHING SHE SAID THAT WAS “ON” THE RECORD. I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING HER
FUTURE CNN SHOW, “PLEASE ERASE THE RECORD.” AS A POLITICAL OUTSIDER, IT’S
TAKING DONALD TRUMP A LITTLE WHILE TO GET A HANDLE ON HOW
STUFF WORKS IN THE NATION’S CAPITAL. BUT THERE’S ONE PIECE OF WHITE
HOUSE PROTOCOL THAT TRUMP HAS MASTERED, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, WITH THE PUSH OF A RED BUTTON PLACED ON
THE RESOLUTE DESK… OH, GOD! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE PUSHES THE
BUTTON? A WHITE HOUSE BUTLER ARRIVES
WITH A COKE FOR THE PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK GOD. I WAS WORRIED THERE. HE’S JUST TURNING THE OVAL
OFFICE INTO AN 8-YEAR-OLD’S DRAWING OF A DREAM TREEHOUSE. “THERE’D BE A BUTTON WHERE I GET
COKE WHEREVER I WANT, AND A SLIDE INTO A BALL PIT, AND
BIGFOOT SLEEPS OVER AND HE TEACHES ME KARATE.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S NICE. GOOD FOR HIM. GOOD FOR HIM. HE SHOULD HAVE SOME FUN. THE PRESIDENT DESERVES TO BE
REFRESHED. THE PAUSE THAT REFRESHES–
A BUTLER BRINGING HIM HIS COKE– REALLY LIVING THE DREAM. I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PICTURE OF
THE BUTLER. THERE YOU GO. YEAH, YEAH. HERE’S SOME GOOD NEWS. ON SUNDAY, WE GOT SOME UNLIKELY
ALLIES IN THE WAR ON TERROR WHEN THREE ISIS FIGHTERS WERE
KILLED BY WILD BOARS. THAT IS BOTH SHOCKING AND NOT
HALAL. ( LAUGHTER )
AND KIND OF NOT FAIR. ( APPLAUSE )
THEY’RE WILD PIGS. THEY CAN’T EAT THEM BACK. IT’S NOT FAIR. OF COURSE, IT’S NOT THE FIRST
TIME ANIMALS HAVE HELPED IN THE WAR ON TERROR. AFTER ALL, OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS
TAKEN OUT BY SEAL TEAM SIX. HUGE NEWS IN THE WORLD OF SPORT. YOU KNOW I LOVE SPORT, JON. I TALK ABOUT SPORT ALL THE TIME.>>Jon: ALL THE TIME.>>Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE
BASEBALL’S MIAMI MARLINS ARE GOING TO BE SOLD TO
A GROUP LED BY DEREK JETER AND JEB BUSH. OR AS THEY’RE KNOWN BY THEIR
CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: “DEREK JETER.” ( APPLAUSE )
FITS. FITS. WORKS. BASEBALL APPARENTLY VERY POPULAR
WITH REPUBLICAN DYNASTIES BECAUSE– THIS IS TRUE– LOOK
WHO JUST GOT EDGED OUT FROM BUYING THE TEAM– TAGG ROMNEY. I THINK– THIS ISN’T FAIR. I THINK A GUY NAME TAGG SHOULD
REALLY OWN A BASEBALL TEAM. THE SAME WAY THE KNICKS SHOULD
BE OWNED BY BILLIONAIRE. DUNK HOOPERSON. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. AMERICA FERRARA IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I’VE GOT A
SPECIAL MESSAGE… FROM JESUS. STICK AROUND.

Finally, Stephen’s Tolkien Geekdom Pays Off


YOU KNOW, I HOPE I DON’T HAVE TO
REMIND YOU THAT WE ARE ALL LUCKY TO LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY. I REALLY DO LOVE EVERYTHING
ABOUT AMERICA: HOT DOGS. APPLE PIE. BASEBALL– MAYBE NOT BASEBALL. IT’S LIKE WATCHING GRASS GROW
WITH PEOPLE IN THE WAY. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I WILL SAY ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT AMERICA IS
MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO MAKE FUN OF THE POWERFUL:
SENATORS, PRESIDENTS, BRANDS THAT DON’T ADVERTISE ON MY SHOW. SLEEP LIGHTLY, OLD EL PASO
TACO SEASONINGS YOU PICKED THE WRONG GUY TO NOT
GIVE MONEY TO. BUT NOT EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS
THAT FREEDOM. TAKE TURKEY WHERE, RIGHT NOW… ( LAUGHTER )
NOW JUST TO BE CLEAR, ERDOGAN IS NOT A NAME FROM “LORD OF THE
RINGS.” I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE ERDOGAN
COULD BE ARAGORN’S DAD, BUT THAT’S OBVIOUSLY ARATHORN. NOW, THE WHOLE THING STARTED
WHEN DOCTOR BILGIN CIFTCI– AGAIN, NOT A HOBBIT NAME-
( LAUGHTER ) POSTED THESE SIDE-BY-SIDE
COMPARISONS OF ERDOGAN AND GOLLUM ON FACEBOOK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PRETTY GOOD. PRETTY GOOD. , OF COURSE, SINCE IT WAS FABLE,
THAT COULD ALSO BE SOMEBODY’S “REALLY” UGLY BABY. JUST CLICK “LIKE” AND MOVE ON. THEY WON’T KNOW. BECAUSE OF THIS, DOCTOR CIFTCI
WAS FIRED FROM HIS JOB AT TURKEY’S PUBLIC HEALTH SERVICE
AND IS CURRENTLY ON TRIAL BECAUSE… IT IS A PUNISHABLE
CRIME IN TURKEY TO INSULT THE HEAD OF STATE. FOR INSTANCE, IN TURKEY,
LEGALLY, I COULD NOT SAY THAT PRESIDENT ERDOGAN’S
MUSTACHE LOOKS LIKE HIS NOSE IS A TEEPEE FOR A CATERPILLAR. NOW, DOCTOR CIFTCI HAS OFFERED A
FANTASTIC DEFENSE, BUT THE JUDGE IN THIS CASE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE
TO UNDERSTAND IT. AND I WILL LET CNN’S NEWS LADY
OF LOTHLORIEN, CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR, EXPLAIN.>>HE IS NOW TAKING A NOVEL
APPROACH TO HIS LEGAL DEFENSE. HE AND HIS LAWYER ARGUE THAT
GOLLUM IS A HERO, NOT A BAD GUY. THE JUDGE ADMITTED THAT HE HAD
ONLY SEEN PARTS OF THE FILM.>>Stephen: COME ON! EVEN IN TURKISH, “I HAVE ONLY
SEEN PARTS OF THE FILM” IS TOTALLY CODE FOR “I HAVE NOT
SEEN ANY OF THE FILM.” SO NOW, THE COURT IS LOOKING FOR
A GOLLUM EXPERT TO DECIDE THIS MAN’S FATE. HMMM. HMMM. WHO DO WE KNOW– WHOM DO WE KNOW
WHO IS AN EXPERT ON ALL THINGS “LORD OF THE RINGS.” FOLKS, WHEN I SPENT MY ENTIRE
TEENAGED YEARS READING ALL OF TOLKIEN– NOT JUST “THE
HOBBIT”, AND “LORD OF THE RINGS.” I’M TALKING “FARMER GILES OF
HAM,” “SMITH OF WOOTTEN MAJOR,” “LEAF BY NIGGLE”, I KNEW I WAS
PREPARING MYSELF FOR SOMETHING IMPORTANT. WHY ELSE WOULD I IGNORE ALL MY
CLASSWORK, ABANDON SPORTS, AND ACHIEVE A PALENESS I HAVE
YET TO SHAKE OFF, IF NOT TO ARM MYSELF FOR A MOMENT OF
HEROISM? AND NOW THAT MOMENT HAS ARRIVED. A MAN’S LIFE HANGS IN THE
BALANCE AND I ALONE AMONG ALL THE EDAIN, AM CAPABLE OF FREEING
HIM, MUCH AS LUTHIEN FREED BEREN FROM THE DUNGEONS OF SAURON. NOW, I’M SO TEMPTED TO TELL THAT
YOU STORY RIGHT NOW. BUT ANYWAY. NOW YOU MAY SAY, “STEPHEN, WHY
YOU? WHY NOT DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
AND SCREENWRITERS FRAN WALSH AND PHILLPA BOYENS, WHO MADE “THE
LORD OF THE RINGS” MOVIES?” SURE, THEY HAVE RELEASED A JOINT
STATEMENT EXONERATING THE DEFENDANT, DECLARING:
IF THE IMAGES ARE, IN FACT, FORMING THE BASIS OF THIS
TURKISH LAWSUIT, WE CAN STATE CATEGORICALLY, NONE OF THEM
FEATURE THE CHARACTER KNOWN AS GOLLUM. ALL OF THEM ARE IMAGES OF THE
CHARACTER CALLED SMEAGOL. I CONCUR. I CONCUR. THERE IS AN IMPORTANT LEGAL
DISTINCTION BETWEEN GOLLUM AND SMEAGOL. SMEAGOL WAS A PERFECTLY NORMAL
HOBBIT UNTIL HE WAS CORRUPTED BY THE ONE RING AND BECAME THE
CREATURE KNOWN AS GOLLUM, THE TWO OPERATING AS SPLIT
PERSONALITIES IN ONE BODY. SO, YEAH, THE TURKISH COURT
COULD GO WITH THESE GUYS, IF YOU WANT TO TRUST A MAN’S LIFE TO
THE SECOND-BEST TOLKIEN EXPERTS IN THE WORLD. AND THAT’S NOT ME TALKING. THAT’S PETER JACKSON, WHO SAID
OF ME, QUOTE: I HAVE NEVER MET A BIGGER
TOLKIEN GEEK IN MY LIFE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND, FOLKS, I WEAR THAT STATEMENT AS A BADGE OF HONOR. AND AS MY TRAMP STAMP. YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS IN NEW
ZEALAND FILMING “THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG,” WHERE
I STARRED IN THE LEAD ROLE OF “LAKE-TOWN SPY,” I WENT
TOE-TO-TOE IN AN AFTER-HOURS TOLKIEN TRIVIA CONTEST WITH
THE FILM’S RESIDENT TOLKIEN EXPERT. AND I APPARENTLY NEED TO REMIND
EVERYONE, I EMERGED THE ONE TRUE “LORD OF THE RINGS” EXPERT. AND I DON’T BRING THAT UP TO
BRAG. I BRING IT UP TO SERVE JUSTICE–
AND TO BRAG. THEREFORE, I HEREBY VOLUNTEER MY
SERVICES TO EXPLAIN TO THE TURKISH COURT WHY THIS MAN IS
INNOCENT OF A CRIME THAT SHOULDN’T BE ILLEGAL ANYWAY. NOW, I CAN’T SPARE THE TIME TO
ACTUALLY FLY TO TURKEY FOR THE TRIAL. WE HAVE BRUCE WILLIS ON
THURSDAY. ( LAUGHTER )
SO I AM GOING TO SAVE THIS MAN’S LIFE RIGHT HERE IN THE COURTROOM
OF BEING ON TELEVISION. ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE
TURKISH GOVERNMENT. THIS CASE SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME
TO TRIAL. THE MAN HAS COMMITTED NO CRIME
AT ALL. HE HAS MERELY BROKEN A RIGID AND
TIME-HONORED CODE OF OUR SOCIETY: COMPARING THE
PRESIDENT TO A MURDEROUS FANTASY CHARACTER. BUT THERE IS NOT ONE IOTA OF
EVIDENCE THAT THESE IMAGES SHOW THE VILLAIN KNOWN AS GOLLUM. IN FACT, WHAT WE SEE IS NOTHING
BUT THE PITIFUL FACE OF SMEAGOL, A HUMBLE HOBBIT OF THE
RIVER-FOLK, WHO IS CORRUPTED BY THE ONE RING TO BECOME GOLLUM. THE GOVERNMENT MAKES THE
INCORRECT ASSUMPTION– THE EVIL ASSUMPTION THAT SMEAGOL AND
GOLLUM ARE ONE AND THE SAME. BUT EVEN IF THEY WERE, WE CANNOT
ALLOW THE GOVERNMENT TO PUNISH THIS MAN. THEY WANT TO PUT HIM AWAY. BUT THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH IS
IMPERISHABLE AS THE FLAME OF ANOR, THAT SECRET FIRE SET AMID
THE VOID, THROUGH WHICH THE WORLD WAS SUNG INTO BEING. AGAIN, I DID NOT HAVE TO LOOK
ANY OF THIS UP. IT IS FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER OF
“THE SILMARILLION,” MY FAVORITE BOOK, EVEN THOUGH IT’S THE ONE
NO ONE READS. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, I AM CONFIDENT THAT YOU GENTLEMEN WILL, WITHOUT PASSION,
EXAMINE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SMEAGOL AND GOLLUM AND RESTORE
THIS MAN TO HIS FAMILY. IN THE NAME OF ERU ILVATAR, DO
YOUR DUTY. ( APPLAUSE )
SCOUT, JIM, WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!

While Trump Is Golfing, We’re All Paying To Protect Him


WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO “THE
LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND IT IS– AS YOU CAN TELL, AS
YOU CAN TELL BY THIS CROWD, IT IS FRIDAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THAT MEANS– AND IF TO YOU THAT MEANS BLOWING OFF WORK TO
CHILLAX WITH YOUR BUDS, THEN YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT LAST YEAR,
TRUMP SPENT ONE OF EVERY FIVE DAYS AT ONE OF HIS GOLF CLUBS. AND, REMEMBER, WHEN TRUMP IS
GOLFING, WE’RE PAYING FOR IT. AND WE MIGHT NOT KNOW THE FULL
COST FOR A WHILE, THANKS TO TREASURY SECRETARY AND KID ON
“BRING YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY” WATCHING HIS DAD GET CHEWED OUT
BY THE BOSS, STEVE MNUCHIN. MNUCHIN IS TRYING TO HIDE HOW
MUCH TAXPAYERS HAVE SPENT SENDING TRUMP ON HIS GOLF
OUTINGS. HE WANTS TO DELAY DISCLOSURE OF
SECRET SERVICE SPENDING ON PRESIDENTIAL TRAVEL UNTIL AFTER
THE 2020 ELECTION.>>Audience: OOOOH!>>Stephen: NOT TELLING US
THAT TILL AFTER WE VOTE IS LIKE SHARING YOUR S.T.D. HISTORY WITH
YOUR PARTNER AFTER YOU HAVE SEX. “NO, NO, NO, NO. IT’S COOL, BABE. THAT TINGLING SENSATION MEANS
THE SEX IS WORKING. AND IT’S NEVER GOING TO STOP
WORKING, BABY.” WE DO KNOW THE SECRET SERVICE
BILL IS GOING TO BE PRETTY BIG. FOR EXAMPLE, WE SPENT
$96 MILLION ON BARACK OBAMA OVER EIGHT YEARS. BUT IN 2017, WE SPENT
$13.6 MILLION ON TRUMP IN JUST ONE MONTH. AND OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS,
WE’VE SPENT $588,000 ON SECRET SERVICE GOLF CARTS ALONE. THAT’S A LOT, BUT GOLF CARTS ARE
CRITICAL SECURITY VEHICLES. THEY CAN BE OVERTAKEN ONLY IF
THE TERRORISTS DISCOVER “WALKING BRISKLY.”( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT. NOW–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
BUT WE’RE NOT JUST PAYING FOR TRUMP. WE’RE ALSO COVERING THE COSTS OF
ALL THE LITTLE TRUMPLINGS. FOR INSTANCE, A FEW YEARS BACK,
ERIC TRUMP’S VISIT TO A TRUMP BUILDING IN URUGUAY COST
TAXPAYERS $97,000. SO WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IT’S
NOT REALLY YOUR-GUAY. IT’S ALL OF OUR ‘GUAY. MOST OF THAT MONEY WAS SPENT IN
TEACHING ERIC THAT IT’S NOT PRONOUNCED “YOU ARE GAY.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WE’RE ALSO– THAT’S A TWO-FER. THAT’S A TWO-FER. A DOUBLE DIP. WE’RE ALSO LEARNING MORE ABOUT
WHAT WENT ON BEHIND THE SCENES DURING IRAN’S ATTACK ON U.S. MILITARY BASES THIS WEEK. APPARENTLY, THE WHITE HOUSE
RECEIVED AN EARLY-WARNING MESSAGE FROM SPY AGENCIES THAT
OFFICIALS CALL, A “SQUAWK.” NORMALLY, WHEN YOU HEAR A SQUAWK
IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO FEED STEPHEN
MILLER.( LAUGHTER )
AND AS SOON–( APPLAUSE )
AS SOON AS HE GOT THE WARNING, TRUMP DESCENDED SEVERAL FLIGHTS
OF STAIRS TO THE SITUATION ROOM. WOW. THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE TRUMP. WHAT ON EARTH COULD HAVE
MOTIVATED HIM TO SHAMBLE DOWN SEVERAL FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO
THE SITUATION ROOM? AND THERE WERE SANDWICHES PILED
ON A SIDEBOARD IN THE ROOM.( LAUGHTER )
( AS TRUMP )
“GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE INCOMING
BALLISTIC HOAGIES. ALERT COLONEL MUSTARD AT
STRATEGIC SAUCE COMMAND.” IT’S ALSO BEEN REVEALED THAT THE
NIGHT OF THE AIR STRIKE AGAINST SOLEIMANI, TRUMP WAS PULLED
AWAY FROM HIS DINNER OF MEATLOAF AND ICE CREAM. THOUGH, THAT COULD BE A
MISPRINT. IT’S POSSIBLE IT WAS ICE CREAM
WITH MEATLOAF. TRUMP’S INTERNATIONAL WHOOPSIES
HAVEN’T BEEN HELPING HIS REPUTATION. ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL FROM THE
PEW RESEARCH CENTER, 64% OF PEOPLE WORLDWIDE SAID THEY DID
NOT HAVE CONFIDENCE IN PRESIDENT TRUMP. IN FACT, FOREIGNERS TRUST HIM
LESS THAN ANGELA MERKEL, EMMANUEL MACRON, XI JINPING,
AND VLADIMIR PUTIN. BUT, HEY, HE IS STILL POLLING
AHEAD OF JEFFREY DAHMER, HARVEY WEINSTEIN, AND ONE OF THE
MENENDEZ BROTHERS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
NOW, WHICH ONE, LYLE? LYLE. HE’S AHEAD OF LYLE. WHAT’S THE OTHER ONE, TREVOR? ONE COUNTRY WHERE THE PRESIDENT
IS AS POPULAR AS A PINE CONE SUPPOSITORY IS SLOVENIA, WHERE
VANDALS BURNED A WOODEN STATUE OF HIM. POLICE ARE STILL INVESTIGATING
AND THEY HAVE RELEASED THIS SECURITY FOOTAGE OF THE
SLOVENIAN WOMAN THEY BELIEVE IS BEHIND THE ATTACK

Josh Gad: Working With Hugh Laurie Was A “Pain In The Ass”


GUEST TONIGHT FROM
“THE BOOK OF MORMON,” “BEAUTY AND THE BEAST,”
AND OF COURSE, AS OLAF IN “FROZEN.” HE NOW STARS IN THE NEW HBO
SERIES, “AVENUE 5.” PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO “THE LATE
SHOW,” JOSH GAD! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>NICE!>>Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.>>YOU CAN STAND UP IF YOU WANT
TO.>>Stephen: I CAN INTERVIEW
YOU STANDING UP?>>YES.>>Stephen: ONE OF US SHOULD
SIT. PLEASE. IT’S LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I AM NOT ALWAYS JEALOUS OF MY
GUESTS BUT I’M JEALOUS BECAUSE OF YOU BECAUSE OF THE NEW SHOW
“AVENUE 5”. YOU’RE ALSO STARRING WITH HUGH
LAURIE WHO IS AN OLD FRIEND, WE’VE MET TWICE. WHAT’S THAT BEEN LIKE FOR YOU?>>YOUR JEALOUSY IS WARRANTED,
ARMANDO IS — HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE SEEN “VEEP”? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DEATH OF STALIN. HE’S A GENIUS. HE JUST KNOWS HOW TO TAKE THESE
ISSUES IN THE POLITICAL OR SOCIAL ARENAS AND FIND A NEW WAY
TO APPROACH THEM, MUCH LIKE OUR OLD FRIEND JONATHAN STEWART.>>Stephen: I LIKE THAT GUY. WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?>>I KNOW.>>Stephen: YEAH. THE PEOPLE AT HOME WON’T GET
THAT JOKE, BUT ONE DAY THEY WILL.>>Stephen: YEAH. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOVE
HIM. NOW, HUGH LAURIE IS A PAIN IN
THE ASS.>>Stephen: REALLY? HE SEEMS LOVELY. IT’S AN ACT?>>HERE’S WHY HE’S A PAIN IN THE
ASS. BEFORE HE GETS ANGRY WATCHING IN
AT HOME NOW AND GOES, WELL, I KNOW NOT TO WORK WITH THAT GUY
ANYMORE, HE’S THE PERFECT SPECIMEN OF A HUMAN BEING. I SHOW UP,IVE I’M DRIVEN TO THE
WORK IN THE BACK, I’M A PASSENGER, GUY GETS OUT AND
OPENS THE DOOR, I GO TO THE TRAILER, I HAVE VERY SOFT,
FEMININE HANDS.>>Stephen: BEAUTIFUL HANDS. THANK YOU. HE RIDES INTO THE SITE ON A
MOTORCYCLE.>>Stephen: HUGH LAURIE? THE GUY FROM “HOUSE.” HE’S BUILT THE MOTORCYCLE FROM
SOMETHING OUT OF USED CAR PARTS, LIKE FORD vs. FERRARI, AND
WHILE I’M WASHING MY DELICATE HANDS YOU HEAR HIM PLAYING MUSIC
AND RECORDING AN ALBUM FOR THE MASSES.>>Stephen: AND HIS AMERICAN
ACCENT IS BETTER THAN YOURS.>>100% BETTER THAN MAN! ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WHAT IS “AVENUE 5”? I’VE SEEN A COUPLE OF CLIPS,
SCIENCE FICTION, BUT WHAT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING?>>SO THE SHOW TAKES PLACE 40
YEARS IN THE FUTURE. IT’S SORT OF LORD IN THE FLIES
BY WAY OF GILLIGAN’S ISLAND. ARE YOU EXCITED YET? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND BASICALLY IT’S ABOUT SOCIETY IN A BUBBLE AND THE BREAKDOWN OF
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS ONCE YOU LOSE ALL TO HAVE THE SOCIAL
NORMS YOU’RE USED TO. SO THINGS GO TERRIBLY WRONG. THE SHOW BEGINS ESSENTIALLY IN
ACT THREE OF THE TITANIC AND GETS PROGRESSIVELY WORSE FROM
THERE IS THAT AND WHO ARE YOU?>>I’M JOSH GAD. I’M YOUR GUST TONIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: OKAY. OKAY.>>I’M SORRY I’M NOT HUGH
LAURIE.>>Stephen: IN “AVENUE 5” WHO
ARE YOU? A CAPTAIN, PASSENGER, WHAT ARE
YOU?>>NO. YOU SHOULD HAVE WATCHED THE SHOW
BEFORE WE DID THIS INTERVIEW TONIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: I DID, BUT I’M FEIGNING IGNORANCE TO ALLOW YOU
TO ANSWER ONE AND PARDON MY FRENCH ( BLEEP ) QUESTION. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>FAIR ENOUGH! TOUCHEÉ!>>Stephen: BUSINESS. THIS FEELS MORE LIKE SHOW
WORK.>>Stephen: YES. I PLAY A GUY CALLED HERMAN
JUD.>>Stephen: YEAH, I DON’T CARE
ANYMORE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!>>Stephen: WHY DON’T WE SHOW
THE CLIP? SET UP THE CLIP. YOU’RE HERMAN JUD.>>BASICALLY THIS GUY’S A MAKE
SURE OF EVERYBODY FROM ELIZABETH HOLMES TO BILLY MCFARLAND WHO
CREATED THE FIRE FESTIVAL.>>Stephen: HE’S A FRAUD? A BIT OF A FRAUD.>>Stephen: BILLIONAIRE. BILLIONAIRE FRAUD. TAKE A LOOK.>>Stephen: JIM. .21 DEGREES, IT’S LIKE, WHAT,
LESS THAN HALF A RIGHT ANGLE. HOW CAN THAT MAKE US THREE YEARS
LATE?>>BILLIE? ME. OKAY. SO WE WERE GOING THIS WAY, AND
NOW WE’RE GOING THIS WAY. YOU SEE HOW MY HANDS ARE MOVING
FAR APART?>>MM-HMM. AND IT’S FURTHER IN REALITY,
OBVIOUSLY. OBVIOUSLY, IF IT’S OBVIOUS,
RIGHT?>>SEE? NO, NO, THAT’S WRONG. THAT’S NOT RIGHT.>>IT IS RIGHT. S IT RIGHT? YEAH. NO. IT WOULD BE A STRAIGHT LINE. NO. NO. WHAT?>>YES. OKAY, WHO’S THE ENGINEER HERE?>>WHO’S THE GENIUS? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: NOW, I’VE GOT TO ASK —
>>YES.>>Stephen: — YOU WHY THE
HAIR? WHAT IS THE HAIR? ARE YOU DOING RICHARD BRANSON? IT’S A BEAUTIFUL MANE.>>THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I READ A STORY ABOUT ELIZABETH
HOLMES WHO CREATED THERNOS AND SHE WORE MOCK TURTLENECKS EVERY
DAY TO GET PEOPLE TO BELIEVE SHE WAS HEIR APPARENT OF STEVE JOBS. I SOUGHT A FUTURE VERSION OF
ELIZABETH WOULD BE A GUY WHO WOULD GO TO THE HAIR DRESSER AND
SAY GIVE ME THE RICHARD BRANSON AND THAT ESSENTIALLY WAS THE
CHOICE OF HAIR.>>Stephen: THIS IS THE WORST
TRAVEL NIGHTMARE. AM I GIVING ANYTHING AWAY WHEN I
SAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A TRIP THAT LASTS WEEKS BUT ENDS UP
LASTING YEARS BECAUSE THEY GET OFFCOURSE.>>YES.>>Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR WORST
TRAVEL NIGHTMARE?>>MY HONEYMOON. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>>Stephen: OH… THAT CAME OUT WRONG. WE WENT TO ITALY. HER FAMILY IS IN ITALY. WE HAD TO GO STAY WITH HER
PARENTS AND STARE AT THEM WITH HER PARENTS’ SISTER. WE CALL HER AUNT.>>Stephen: ON YOUR HONEYMOON
YOU WENT AND STAYED WITH FAMILY?>>WITH FAMILY. SO IN ITALY THEY DON’T HAVE
SOMETHING CALLED AIR CONDITIONING. JUST REALLY HOT. IT WAS IN AUGUST. I’M A BIG GUY AND I SWEAT A LOT,
SO I WAS, LIKE, WE CAN’T DO THIS AND SHE SAYS, WELL, WE DON’T
HAVE ANY OPTIONS. AND I SAID WHY? SHE SAID, BECAUSE IN ITALY, YOU
DON’T TELL PEOPLE YOU’RE LEAVING. I JUST SAY, YOU SAY IT IN
ITALIAN AND IT WILL WORK. SHE SAID, NO, IT’S RUDE. SO SHE CAME UP WITH AN EXCUSE
I’M ALLERGICKING TO THE HOUSE OR SOMETHING. WE GO TO A H TELL, WHOSE AIR
CONDITIONING BREAKS, AND THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT A QUEEN BED IS
SO THEY PUT TWO TWINS BED TOGETHER. WE PROCEED TO MAKE SEXY TIME AND
I FALL THROUGH — NO, THAT NEVER HAPPENED. ( LAUGHTER )
SUFFICE IT TO SAY, WE WERE EXERCISING ON THE BED. I FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS. I’M, LIKE, I’M DONE WITH ITALY,
CAN WE GO TO FRANCE? SHE GOES, YES, WE CAN GO TO
FRANCE. SO THEN HER COUSIN IS LIKE, I GO
TO FRANCE, TOO!>>Stephen: YOU HAD A
CHAPERONE.>>WE HAD A CHAPERONE. AND HE GOES, DON’T-A-BOOK-THE
FANCY FLIGHT, THE DELTA, NO, NO, DO RYAN AIR. I SAID, OKAY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT
RYAN AIR IS. YEAH, YEAH, ONE STEP AHEAD OF
ME. ( LAUGHTER )
SO FLIGHT IS 100 BUCKS. AS A JEW, I LIKE THAT NUMBER. I’M, LIKE, GREAT. HERE’S THE PROBLEM, THOUGH. THEY GO, YOUR BAGS, THEY WAY TOO
MUCH. I SAID, WELL, WHAT’S THE
SOLUTION? THEY SAY, 2,000 EURO. 2,000 EURO FOR MY BAGS WHICH
AREN’T HUMAN BEINGS. IT COSTS ME LESS TO TRAVEL TO
ITALY FOR MY HONEYMOON, WHICH WAS AWFUL.>>Stephen: SURE. AND THAT’S THE END TO HAVE
THE STORY. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: IT WAS LOVELY TO SEE YOU, JOSH.>>I LOVE YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: YOU LOVE ME! THIS IS SO SUDDEN. LATER. LET’S GO TO COMMERCIAL BREAK. ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY. ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT WAS VERY TENDER. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I FEEL BAD BECAUSE YOU WERE
OFFERING INTIMACY AND I’M ALL BUSINESS.>>YEAH! I FELT LIKE YOU WERE PUSHING
AWAY BUT THEN IT FELT LIKE THERE WAS AN OPENING. DID I READ IT RIGHT?>>Stephen: NO, YOU’RE NOT
WRONG.>>OH, GOOD.>>Stephen: I SEND MIXED
SIGNALS TO MY GUESTS ALL THE TIME. ( LAUGHTER )
>>THIS FEELS LIKE MY HONEYMOON ALL OVER AGAIN.>>STEPHEN: “AVENUE 5” PREMIERES
SUNDAY NIGHT ON HBO. JOSH GAD, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TAMRON
HALL.