– SO YOU GOT TO KEEP
THE TOPPINGS FULL. – OKAY, GOT IT.
I’M ON TOP OF THAT. – YOU GONNA FIT IN
JUST FINE HERE. HEY, SOMEDAY… THAT MIGHT BE YOUR PICTURE
ON THE WALL. – OH, EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR. WHEN DOES SHE WORK? – WHAT? – I WAS JUST WONDERING
WHEN SHE WORKS. – GIRL, IT’S ME. – OH… CONGRATS. – NOW, HERE’S THE BEST PART
ABOUT WORKING AT A YOGURT SHOP, IS YOU GET
ALL THE FREE FROYO YOU WANT. MM-HMM. AND YOU CAN’T BELIEVE
HOW DELICIOUS IT IS AND ALSO FAT FREE. THANK GOD,
BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND– HE JUST GOT BACK
FROM HIS TOUR IN AFGHANISTAN, AND HE’S COMING HERE
TO PICK ME UP. HE SHOULD BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN A YEAR. – A WHOLE YEAR, YOU SAY. – MM-HMM. HAVE SOME. – I’M GOOD. – NOW, IF YOU NEED A EXTRA SHIRT
OR ANYTHING, THEY GONNA BE IN THERE,
BECAUSE THESE SEEM TO SHRINK. – UH-HUH.
– OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, GIRL? I CAN’T GET ENOUGH
OF THIS STUFF. I MEAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME.
IT’S FREE. – NO, I’M OKAY.
I’M–I’LL HAVE SOME LATER. – COME ON, GIRL, IT’S FAT FREE. – HI. I JUST GOT BACK
FROM AFGHANISTAN. I’M HERE LOOKING
FOR MY GIRLFRIEND, LATIA. – AAH! BABY! BABY, WHAT–WHAT?
IT’S ME. – NO, IT’S NOT. – WHAT? IT’S ME. – APPARENTLY SHE DOESN’T WORK
HERE ANYMORE. THANKS. – WHAT? OH, MY GOD!
HE’S LEAVING ME! DESMONA, IS HE LEAVING ME?
DESMONA, WHY WOULD HE LEAVE ME? WHAT–WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD
THERE BE FOR HIM LEAVING ME? FOR HIM LEAVING ME? – MAYBE HE–
MAYBE HE GOT THAT PSD. PSD. – WHAT? OH, YOU MEAN THE PTSDs?
– THE PTSDs. – YOU MEAN THE POST-TRAUMATIC
STRESS DISORDER. [crying]
IT’S GOT TO BE THAT. OH, MY GOD!
MY BABY GOT THE PTSD! MY BABY GOT THE PTSD! THAT COULD BE THE ONLY REASON! OH, MY BABY! MY POOR, POOR BABY
GOT THE PTSDs! OH, MY BABY! [wailing]
Guys, please do SUBSCRIBE to ALRIGHT Hi, I’m an office Oh sorry I’m a corporate office Here people need to work The thing is, that people think that one needs to give up their life for a salary However, for a lot of people this is true But it’s also true that the people who want to have a life they manage to assemble their life together If you don’t like to party, how is it my problem? As a friend It doesn’t give me pride to not get you drunk before you tie the knot You better concentrate on yourself Anyway, from now on I’ll go home after office I’ll soon get married & won’t be able to hang around a lot Since you’re getting married soon, that’s why I’m taking you to Murthal Once you have the white butter from there Everything will be set! Yeah, everything will be set but only for you Give me the car keys Hey Verma! Catch the keys See Pass them back These keys belong to a new car Don’t you dare show me the keys to your bike again Get away! What I was saying is You’ll be eating chapatis forever It’s better you have Paranthas with me today You wont listen to me, right? How many times should I say it? I’ll scream at the top of my voice and tell everyone that you are having an arranged marriage and that your new car is part of your dowry You know that I’m capable of doing it Don’t do it please Then come for the trip Listen, Shanky Okay, we wil go to Murthal We’ll make your car reach 200km/ph. It’s a new car, we’ll go with ease and come back slowly Or else she’ll end up paying the instalments of her ring Okay Oh, I just remember even I have to pay my instalment Should we ask Kanika too? Kanika Kanika Nakul’s engagement has been fixed so we’ll be going to Murthal Will you come along and party? Are you going? Ofcourse! Then I won’t be coming Bad choice What do you want? Nothing at all Nakul, congratulations for your engagement Your parents must be really happy You’ve got a new car too Thank you.. Prakash So all you friends/ boy friends must be going to party Bachelors! Great See you guys then Raghu, we’ll meet later Bye! Wanna have some chocolate? No Nakul Yeah Bye! Can you breathe the fragrance of a new car? Yeah, I can smell it Orgasm Shall we leave? STOP! Who is it? Guys You forgot to take me along Nvermind, this happens with me very often Did you call him? I don’t know, I never even talked to him Guys, the door is locked How am I supposed to get in I’m not talking him along Yeah, your wish Buddy Ask him to leave Bro, it’ll be really awkward Who’s there? Party is here! Guys, open the door So guys, what’s the plan? Murthal? Both of us are going You want us to drop you somewhere? Have this It’s chiled Will you have one? No Let’s go Guys, wait.. What happened? From 3, we’ll now be a group of 4 Who’s the fourth one? Lord Hanuman guys! He will also travel with us Thanks buddy Let’s go guys, it’s party time Please navigate the route Okay I’ll navigate the route I’m a master navigator So much so, that my friends call me an alligator Why an alligator? No clue, my friends call me by that name They might know about it What friends are these? So guys, our party has started and it’s gonna be awesome This is Raghu One second Hey, get this thing off me Won’t it be great if we had some stuff for the trip? What do you say? Yeah! It is the need of the hour Do you know from where can we get it? Why are you running a sting operation on us? No, this is my vlog Say hi toh my friends Get this off me I wanted to name this episode “Murthal & Maal with my Best Friends” For that, we’ll have to score some stuff We won’t do all this I’ve to reach home by 10, my mother is alone Guys, go 800m straight from here Stop the car! We need snacks Hold on, I’m stopping the car Cigarette? Listen, Nakul Please get 2-3 cigarettes as well Guys, bought cigarettes to mix with the stuff Got it and listen, we are not smoking up Guys, we are gonna smoke up What is this that happens in your phone everytime? What? The sound of coins which brings a smile on your face Bro, this shows me my savings As you know, savings take time & happen step by step “Sqrrl App’s” Sqrrl Away automatically saves all your spare change and it provides a good interest as well I can’t do this, I find it really complicated All the change you’re left with after buying all the snacks it saves the leftover change separately You don’t have to do anything on your own Friends like you who increase my expenses “Sqrrl” is just the opposite of that It’s that friend who saves your hard earned money Wow guys! This calls for another round of beers No, I have to show up at office tomorrow Just open the bottle You got engaged We deserve to live this moment This beer bottle with the wooden cap is too tight I’ll open it That is champagne you’re talking about! Clean it Clean the whole damn thing Let it go, he did it by mistake Really sorry guys It’s the first time that I’ve opened the bottle with a wooden top I’ve just got my new car He has eaten my brain already Sorry Give me one day’s time, I’ll clean your car I’ll get your car drycleaned Why are you ruining your mood Okay, fine It will get cleaned up Stop the car! Thomas Who is Thomas? Thomas is my peddler Thomas! Pablo here! Guys, you should never disclose your real name Yeah you should never do that Okay Have you lost your mind, you crazy person Listen Let’s get you home now He could’ve died We would’ve been held responsible for his dead body Why are you looking at the negative side Focus on the positive side We found the peddler Just shut up! This man jumped out of a moving car Just to score some stuff I’m telling you, he is a living liabiltiy Kick him out or else we’ll suffer in jail, the reason being his stupid vlog You have a problem with my vlog, right? Look I’ve put my camera down I won’t vlog now I’ll delete my channel as well Prakash Tell me the way to your house Okay Speak up You’ve to go straight on this road Do you live in this jungle? Where is your house? Stop the car right here What is this place? So Whatever happened till now, you’re gonna forget it Instead, you’ll kiss & hug me after this Because the party is gonna reach another level We’ve now reached a rave party! What are you saying, we are in the middle of a jungle Rave party? Rave parties always take place in a dense jungle We were cursing you for no reason You are a really useful man It was my childhood dream to attend a rave party Where is it? Where’s the party? Guys, Google Maps is saying there is a rave party here Maybe there’s a hidden door somewhere Let’s say “Khulja Sim Sim” together The door might open Okay guys? Let’s try.. I will break your skull with a rock Guys, why are you getting so angry? Look, this is what Google Maps is showing Why are you making a fool out of us? Why did you come along? You ruined our night as well as our plan for the night I convinced him with such difficulty But buddy I am not your buddy The type of person you are, you’ll suffer alone Sorry friends I have to end the episode “Murthal & Maal with my Best Friends” right away Actually, I gotta get some work done See you next time Sorry Who’s gift is this? What is written on it? Read it Congrats on your engagement, really sorry for last night Prakash He won’t understand, would he? Chuck it Prakash! Kanika Where’s Prakash? Come here and talk to me This is not your home You too? Yeah Where is Prakash? He came in the morning, but had to leave urgently He recently got divorced So he had some paperwork to take care of By the way Nakul He left a box at your table Oh shit! That is why he pretended to be overexcited What do you mean? I mean, he got divorced at the same time I got engaged He was trying to hide his problems by getting involved in our happiness We were too harsh on him Let’s leave that Champagne situation.. It’s okay, let’s leave Kanika Huh? Attendance Be it meeting someone dying getting separated from someone or falling in love These are the most important events of your existence what lies in between these events is “life” You recite stories about this time The time you spend with your friends the time when you end up making new friends Hey guys If you liked this video do share it with all your buddies as well as non-buddies and make sure to download the “Sqrrl App” It’s Sqrrl Away feature let’s you manage the loose change in you day to day lives and helps you save it appropriately So click on the link in the description box and download the “Sqrrl App” Guys, we’ll soon be back with “Office Ki Yaari Part 2” So stay tuned and don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE to ALRIGHT
Work is an integeral part
of the American identity. When you meet
someone at a party, the first question is always,
“What do you do?” I used to lie to people
when I was younger ’cause I didn’t want
people to know that
I was an amateur comedian, so I’d tell them that I was
a giraffe keeper at the zoo. Did you know that the
giraffe tongue is so strong, it can actually tear
the flesh off the human body? That’s why there’s
no lesbian giraffes. Also, they don’t make sensible
pants for four legs. So why is America
so focused on work, and does that focus on work…
work? Let’s find out in our segment “America,
You’re Doing It Wrong.” We’re not doing songs a–?
Okay. Uh, the country’s obsession
with hard work dates back to these Bible-thumping
buckle-headed [bleep] who invented the
Protestant work ethic. Why is it called a work ethic? Work isn’t inherently ethical. You can be a very hardworking
human trafficker, and no one’s going to say,
“Gotta hand it to Nikola. Up at the crack of dawn
every morning stuffing young women
into shipping containers. Ah, you think they’re
not gonna get in, but he always makes them fit. He has good ethics.” But hard work just for the sake
of working hard is stupid. You know we’re all dead
at the end of this, right? And it’s not like hard work
is quality work. Woman: Compared to other
highly industrialized nations, the United States has one of the
longest average workweeks. According to several studies,
increased work hours tend to have an adverse effect
on productivity. If you work less,
you’ll be more productive. I’ve been trying to tell that
to Comedy Central, but they say they don’t have
monthly shows. The 40-hour workweek
is making us less productive and it’s ruining
our personal lives. Woman: The average American
age 25 to 54 with at least one child spends nearly nine hours a day
engaged in work, less than 3 hours for leisure, and a pathetic 1.2
caring for others. Perhaps the most stunning part of our insanely intense
work culture is that this country
does not require companies to offer parental leave. Parental leave in the U.S.
is so bad, they’ve stopped doing
Lamaze classes and just started to teach women
how to not let contractions disrupt their presentation. “And as you can see,
we’re doing much better in the fo-OOURRTH quart– Ahh…ahh…ah.” Obviously, that’s a joke. In my experience,
childbirth is easy. [ Laughter ] America, you’re doing it wrong. It’s time to rethink
the way we work, because happy workers
are better workers. And companies around the world are experimenting
with a four-day workweek. At a New Zealand based
financial-services firm called Perpetual Guardian,
starting next month, they will be implementing
a permanent four-day workweek after a successful trial
this past spring. Stress levels during that time
were reduced by 7%. 78% of employees said that they could manage
their work-life balance better, And social-media surfing
dropped by 35%. Okay, okay, I support
a four-day workweek. But a financial-services firm
in New Zealand? How much work
do they really have? They only got about five dollars
in the entire country. It’s just like, “Oh, Kevin’s
got some money, bro.” “Oh, no. I’ve heard that
Dave’s also got some money.” “Oh, we should — we should
put all the pebbles together and put them
in a big heap, bro.” “Oh, I like that, bro. Uh, what is four pebbles
plus four pebbles?” “That would be six, bro. Six.” [ Laughter ] Pebbles are their currency
because they’re inbred. [ Laughter ] The way Americans overwork
themselves is ludicrous. Pretty much every other
industrialized country gives employees
four weeks vacation. Germany has one of
the most generous vacation policies in the world,
and they give up to eight weeks, and they’re the ones
who lost the war. [ Laughter ] Though I’m okay with that,
to be honest, you know? We should encourage
the Germans to stay relaxed. We’ve seen what happens
when they get a little uptight. [ Laughter ] You might say they got
a little bit too much done. I think America should implement
a four-day workweek, but you won’t because it goes
against the American idea that if you’re not
killing yourself at work, you’re doing something wrong. But I have
an alternative suggestion. Just add an extra day
to the end of the week. Then you can work
your precious 40 hours and still get
a three-day weekend. There’d still be
365 days in the year, but since the weeks are longer,
we’d need fewer months. Obviously we’re gonna keep
October and December, because they’ve got
the best holidays. We’ll just get rid of March. [Bleep] March!
Nobody likes March! The — The only good day in
March is St. Patrick’s Day. But here’s the best bit. When it’s an 8-day week,
we’ll make one day every week St. Patrick’s Day,
so you’ll always get it. [ Cheers and applause ] Also, I’m getting rid of
6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m. Instead, 12:00 a.m. to 1:00 a.m.
will now take three hours. That way, you’ll always leave
a party just after midnight. Sure, it will [bleep] over
some shift workers, but you chose to become a nurse. So, there you have it.
Jim’s 8-day week. [ Cheers and applause ] Now that Beatles song
makes sense. “Yellow Submarine.”
Stop the car in front of that madam You are looking very pretty today I have always been pretty I am telling you, you got lucky with me. I am too good for you Listen I have a surprise gift for you What? That thing you’ve been wanting for the longest time What? Why should I tell you? You just leave office on time But tell me what is it NOOOO. I am not telling you anything It’s a surprise Okay listen, is it… It’s a surprise Hey listen, did Minal ask about me? No one asks about us why are you thinking about it I have this pure and pious facade going on, so no one is suspicious just chill Yeah that is there too, it’s been 4 months and no one knows But you have to leave office on time today done done You can stop the car here I’ll come up in 5 minutes Okay tell me what it is what are you doing here I will mail it to you Why does Nick keep staring at you I don’t know but I think he is staring at you not me Are you crazy? Tell me what the surprise is It is a surprise Will you just tell me If I tell you it’ll spoil all the fun I have to take a print-out Hello Sir Sir I have to leave at 5 pm today, my aunt has kept a prayer meeting at home for me to get married soon Yes leave early Plan a puja for the office as well Absolutely What do you want? Sir actually my doggy is keeping well, so I have to early WHAT? But you don’t have a dog My Granny My granny’s isn’t feeling well, so I have to take her to the hospital What happened to her? What time will you be leaving Are all the reports ready? Give me the reports before you leave Bloody asshole Listen, send the reports to the boss asap There is a prayer meeting at my place, I’ll get the offerings to work tomorrow Even you have a half day today Have you sent the reports to Sir? Send it fast Has he come? Bloody asshole
-And I’m Jaboukie. And when we’re not on
The Daily Show, -we run a lucrative…
-And unlicensed. -real estate business.
-Oh, yeah. -Straight cash, none
of that Venmo shit. -Mm-mm. WOOD: If you got the cash
and you’re looking for a home, it’s time for you to meet… BOTH:
The Property Brothas. (Wood grunts) Today we’re in Jamaica, Queens to see the childhood home
of Donald Trump. That’s right.
The actual home where our president lived
until age four, is just sitting on the market. While the outside
might not look too Trumpy, the inside is very much… What the (bleep)? YOUNG-WHITE: Hold up.
This is Trump’s house? WOOD:
Uh… No. It’s… Did we use
Apple Maps to get here? Because this might be wrong. J-Dawg, I’m blown away. This house
looks extremely normal. Like, right here. This is not what
you would expect to see -in a house like this.
-YOUNG-WHITE: I was expecting something much longer,
something more of, like, a he’s on this side,
Daddy’s over there. -Very far apart.
Not what I was expecting. WOOD: This 2,500 square foot
Tudor style home comes with four bedrooms
and what we think is real gold. This is actually the only gold
in the entire house right here. How much you think we could get
for this shit? -I’m thinking at least $500.
-Let’s get this. -You want to pop it right now?
-Yeah. (mumbles) Uh, actually,
let’s-let’s hold off on that. Let’s hold. Wait till the… -And on to the next room.
-Yes. -This place is just fine.
-The living room looks like a failed
black sitcom from the ’90s. YOUNG-WHITE:
It’s not Trumpy. It looks Eric Trump at best. No matter how it looks
on the inside, we’ve got to play up
the Trump factor and sell this home to someone -who loves Trump.
-Hates Trump. -Hates Trump.
-Loves Trump. WOOD:
We didn’t have time to argue. We had to show this place
to real couples looking to buy
their first home. -Okay.
-Okay, so, as you can see, it’s a very traditional style. Four bedroom,
great space in the backyard. WOOD: Well, what’s
your first reactions to this? Um, well,
the open space is good. The Trump memorabilia -is definitely bumming me out
a little bit. -It’s everywhere. -Like, Trump is everywhere
in this room. -Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Donald Trump
is definitely not my person. He doesn’t live here anymore. -WOOD: Yeah, this is…
-ELIZABETH: “Anymore”? -“Anymore”? -Well,
this is the childhood home of President Donald Trump. That’s… That’s weird, man.
It’s a little weird -in a… in a bad way.
-It’s a little weird. It can feel anxious at first
because it’s new, it’s big, you’re feeling a lot. But I think there’s a lot
of excitement there that we could really work with. WOOD:
We tried to help these couples picture filling this house
with the love so clearly missing
from Trump’s childhood, but they kept getting hung up
on the little things. Everything about it
makes me uncomfortable. I really don’t like the idea
of living in his house. Who wouldn’t want to live
and raise their children in the same place that a legend
once laid their head, like Elvis at Graceland? Who wouldn’t want to live
at Paisley Park where Prince was? Neverland Ranch. -Mm.
-No? I just want a comfortable home. -Where Donald Trump
hasn’t lived. -Yeah. Come on. I mean,
look at this house as an investment opportunity. You take it, and you turn it
into a Trump museum, and you charge
those mother(bleep) $35 a head. -Wouldn’t you want to get money
from it, man? -Right. I would, but it’s not a priority of having a house
that I would like to live in. I’m with you.
You don’t like Trump. There are other people
who don’t like him, either. You have those people come in,
charge them admission, they get to destroy
a piece of Trump’s childhood. -How about that?
-Wait, you’re talking about turning this
into, like, a rage room -where they can trash it?
-Absolutely. Break a chair, destroy a table, burn a flag, do something. What are you gonna do
after you trash this place? Turn it into a mosque. That way, we can tell Trump,
“Go back to where you came from. Psych, bitch.
It’s a mosque now.” The brothers don’t seem
to be listening to us at all. We’ve told them multiple times
that we don’t want this house. And then one of them
keeps pulling me aside and keeps trying
to sell me gold. How much would you give me
for that? Nothing. It’s real. It’s real what? Gold. (sighs) As is with every episode,
we lost the sale. An even though
we can’t sell the house… We’ll sell as much of it
as we can. Come on! Come on! (cheering and applause)
– WITH OUR SIGN NOW ON DISPLAY,
MY PLAN QUICKLY BEGAN TO WORK, AS PEOPLE STARTED COMING IN THINKING IT WAS
AN ACTUAL STARBUCKS. – OH, DUMB STARBUCKS.
OKAY, OKAY. – OH, YOU THOUGHT
IT WAS STARBUCKS. – I DID. – BUT THE FEW CUSTOMERS WE DID
GET SEEMED TO HAVE TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING WHAT WE WERE
ALL ABOUT. I MEAN, LEGALLY SPEAKING, THIS STORE HAS TO BE CATEGORIZED
AS AN ART GALLERY, SO WE DON’T HAVE TO ABIDE
BY THE SAME HEALTH REGULATIONS AS A STARBUCKS WOULD. I MEAN, WE DON’T WANT ANY OF
OUR CUSTOMERS TO GET SICK. BUT IF THEY DO,
TECHNICALLY, THAT’S PART OF
THE ARTISTIC EXPERIENCE. THINGS WERE OFF
TO AN OKAY START. BUT AS THE DAY PROGRESSED,
I BECAME FRUSTRATED WE WEREN’T GETTING THE AMOUNT
OF CUSTOMERS I EXPECTED. SO I HEADED OUT TO A NEARBY
COFFEE SHOP TO TRY AND SPREAD THE WORD
ABOUT MY NEW BUSINESS. JUST SO YOU KNOW,
THERE’S A DUMB STARBUCKS THAT’S OPENED UP
DOWN THE BLOCK. – OKAY.
– OKAY. IT’S BASICALLY THE SAME COFFEE.
CHEAPER PRICES, AND– – DUMB STARBUCKS?
– YEAH. TODAY, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN HAVE
A FREE COFFEE ON ME. – I UNDERSTAND YOU’RE TRYING
TO PROMOTE YOUR COMPANY. – RIGHT.
– I ADMIRE THAT. BUT THAT’S GREAT.
YOU CAN’T DO IT ON STARBUCKS’ PROPERTY.
– AND I ADMIRE YOU. AND I WILL BE–
– AND EVERY TIME I STEP BACK, YOU KEEP TAKING A STEP FORWARD.
– NO, I HAVEN’T MOVED. – YOU HAVE.
WE STARTED OVER HERE. – NO, WE STARTED RIGHT HERE. – BUT YOU NEED TO WALK THAT WAY.
– OKAY, I WILL. – UNFORTUNATELY, MY MARKETING
EFFORTS WERE CUT SHORT. BUT I WAS AT LEAST ABLE
TO GET SOME FREE SUPPLIES. WITH AN UNDERWHELMING
LAUNCH DAY, I BEGAN TO FEEL LIKE I PUT IN
ALL THIS EFFORT FOR NOTHING. BUT THE NEXT MORNING
THINGS CHANGED. JEREMIAH CALLED ME TO SAY
THERE WAS A LINE OF OVER 15 PEOPLE AT THE STORE. THEN I SAW PHOTOS
OF MY SHOP POSTED ON A STRAIGHT BODY BUILDING
MESSAGE BOARD. BUT I COULDN’T HAVE FORESEEN
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.
– A NEW COFFEE SHOP
WITH A FAMILIAR NAME
CREATING QUITE A STIR
IN LOS ANGELES.
THE COFFEE SHOP–GET THIS–
IS CALLED DUMB STARBUCKS.
– THAT LOOKS EXACTLY
LIKE A STARBUCKS.
THE LOGO, THE LETTERING,
THE GREEN COLORING–
HOW DO THEY GET AWAY
– BECAUSE THEY PUT THE WORD
“DUMB” ON TOP OF STARBUCKS,
SO THEY’RE PARODYING
STARBUCKS. – A COFFEE CHAIN NOTORIOUS
FOR SUING IMITATORS MAY HAVE FINALLY
MET IT’S MATCH. – AT THE COUNTER, CUSTOMERS
CAN ORDER A “DUMB VENTI” OR BUY A CD
OF “DUMB NORAH JONES DUETS.”
– SOME PEOPLE WAITED IN LINE
FOR UP TO AN HOUR.
– IT’S AN ART GALLERY WHERE
COFFEE IS CONSIDERED ART. – WHAT’S THE POINT OF THE ART?
I MEAN, WHAT’S THE MESSAGE?
– I DON’T KNOW.
– [speaking Spanish] – [speaking Korean] – I WAS STUNNED. WE HAD MORE CUSTOMERS
THAN I EVER DREAMED OF. AND WITHIN 24 HOURS,
DUMB STARBUCKS HAD BECOME
A WORLDWIDE SENSATION. – YEAH, THERE’S ABSOLUTELY
ARTISTIC VALUE HERE.
– TO ME, THIS IS A PROTEST.
THIS IS A PROTEST
AGAINST THE BIG FISH.
THE LEVIATHANS OF STARBUCKS.
– IT WAS COOL THAT PEOPLE
COULD DRAW THEIR OWN MEANING
FROM A BUSINESS THAT
WAS JUST THERE TO MAKE MONEY.
– THERE’S A RUMOR
THAT IT MIGHT BE BANKSY
AND WE’RE ALL REALLY EXCITED
ABOUT THAT. – I HAD INADVERTENTLY
CREATED SOMETHING THAT WAS ON PAR WITH ONE OF
THE WORLD’S GREATEST ARTISTS.
– SOMETHING TIED TO AN ART
MAYBE THIS IS BANKSY.
– BEFORE I KNEW IT,
CUPS FROM MY SHOP
WERE SELLING ON EBAY
FOR $500 A PIECE.
AND SWINDLERS WERE EVEN TRYING
TO CASH IN ON THE HYPE
BY HOCKING FAKE MERCHANDISE
OUTSIDE THE STORE.
BY THE END OF THE WEEKEND
I REALIZED THAT DUMB STARBUCKS
WAS A BIGGER IDEA
THAN I EVER THOUGHT IT COULD BE. SO I GATHERED THE WORLDWIDE
MEDIA TO ANNOUNCE THAT WE WERE EXPANDING. [cheers and applause] HI. I’M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE
THAT WE’LL SOON BE OPENING A SECOND DUMB STARBUCKS LOCATION
IN BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, WITHIN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. [cheers and applause] MY BUSINESS WAS NOT ONLY
A BONA FIDE SUCCESS, BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE IT FELT LIKE PEOPLE ACTUALLY
WANTED TO BE AROUND ME. WHATEVER I HAD DONE
RESONATED WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD. AND THE ATTENTION
WAS LIKE SUNLIGHT ON MY SOUL.
MY ENTIRE MARKETING PLAN
DEPENDED ON USING
THEIR CORPORATE LOGO
TO GET ATTENTION.
AND THE ONLY WAY TO LEGALLY DO
IT IS BY USING “DUMB.”
– EVERY MAJOR NETWORK IN AMERICA
WANTED TO KNOW MY STORY. – NATHAN FIELDER. – I WAS INVINCIBLE. AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, THE VIEW
FROM THE TOP WAS PRETTY NICE. WE’RE ALSO FAMOUS
FOR OUR PASTRIES. I BROUGHT YOU SOME, ACTUALLY.
– OH, OKAY. YEAH, GREAT. – I BROUGHT SOME
OF OUR PASTRIES, YEAH. – OH, THOSE LOOK GREAT.
[audience laughs] WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE?
ARE THESE THOSE– – I BROUGHT MUFFINS TOO.
– OH, LOOK AT THAT. – THESE ARE OUR FAMOUS PASTRIES.
– ISN’T THAT WEIRD. IT SAYS VONS ON THE SIDE.
[audience laughs] – I WAS ALL SMILES
AND MY HEAD WAS IN THE CLOUDS. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
Wildfires. As the climate changes
and the land becomes drier, they’re becoming
an even bigger problem, burning down seven million acres in the United States each year. Which is terrible,
because without forests, Don, Jr. would have nowhere
to sit. Now, although wildfires
have recently been on the rise, these blazes have been
a major issue in America for a very long time,
so much so, that the U.S. Forest Service
even created a hero devoted to stopping the fires,
Smokey Bear. You have so many reasons
to protect your forest. Hey, kids.
I’m Smokey Bear. Remember, only you can prevent
forest fires. ♪ My friends depend on me ♪ ♪ Smokey B, to voice a plea. ♪ Buzz, what’s up, man? You left some leaves
burning out here. So the next time
you’re in the forest, be extra careful. Okay? (chuckles)
If you knew it was me, would you have listened? (screaming) What the (bleep) was that? Forget fires. I’m never
gonna be able to trust a beautiful woman ever again. “Say, Trevor, want to go back
to my place?” “Get the hell out of here,
you bear! I’m not falling
for your tricks.” But, yes, for decades, America has tried everything
to prevent wildfires. And in California, they’ve gone way beyond
talking bears. We’re finally learning
some good news about the wildfires
in California. Most of the fires
still considered active are either well under control
or almost out thanks to the thousands
of firefighters who have been battling
the flames alongside hundreds of inmates. You see all the firefighters
in orange? Those are California inmates. The state
has been using prisoners to fight fires
since World War II. Yeah. That is really,
really interesting. Inmates in California
can volunteer to help put out fires that
have gotten out of control. And I-I think it’s great
that these prisoners are willing to help
in a time of need. And just for extra motivation,
I think they should be allowed to bring their squad from prison to hype them up as they fight
the fire, you know. Yeah, they can just be standing
in the back like, “Yo, get his ass, T-bone. “Extinguish this bitch. “Remove either oxygen,
fuel or heat. That’s what you do
to stop a fire.” Now, you would think
any prisoner volunteering for a dangerous job like this would be in it
for some big reward. But it turns out,
that’s not the case. TV REPORTER:
Inmate firefighters get paid an average of two dollars
a day. When they’re battling
live fires, they earn an additional
one dollar per hour. Though they only earn
about a dollar per hour to risk their lives, every day of work
as an inmate firefighter counts as two days
toward their sentence. Wait, hold up. Inmates get two days
off their sentence for every day
they fight the fire? That’s not much of a reduction. Like, if I was an inmate,
I’d just want to keep the fire going. Yeah. (laughter) I’ll just be out there like,
“Oh, no. “I accidentally turned my hose to the ‘spread fire’ setting
again. Oh, darn.” (laughter) And, also, I, like… I don’t care
if they’re prisoners. Getting a few dollars a day
to fight a wildfire is bullshit. Now, while the prisoners
are getting basically nothing for doing a dangerous job,
the state of California saves an estimated
$100 million a year by using inmates
to fight the fires. And what’s extra messed up is that despite fighting fires
year after year while in prison, many of these inmates
aren’t allowed to use any
of that firefighting experience once they’ve served their time. NEWSWOMAN:
Despite their experience, an inmate firefighter
may find it tough to land a full-time job after they complete
their sentence. (reading): When they leave that service,
they are told they will never, ever be allowed to be a firefighter. Okay, you got to admit,
that’s just shitty. You fight fires in prison,
but then when you’re released, you’re not allowed
to do it professionally? So, basically, if you’re
an ex-con walking around and you see a fire, what? You have to commit a crime
before they’ll let you help? Just like, “Oh, no,
that orphanage is on fire. Quick, help me rob this bank!” So the question is
should prison firefighters be allowed to enter the noble
profession of firefighting after they’ve served their time? Well, to give us
some expert perspective, we’re joined by the most noble
firefighter of all. Smokey the Bear, everybody. (cheering and applause) Smokey… where do you stand on the issue of ex-cons working
as firefighters? First of all, Trevor, thanks for inviting a bear
onto your show. #DiversityMatters. And secondly, I believe ex-cons
could make great firefighters. And I’m a living example. Wait, are-are you saying
that you’re an ex-convict? That’s right. Shout-out to my boys
in San Quentin. Stay hard, my brothers. Wait, wait,
what were you in jail for? In the ’90s,
I ran a Ponzi scheme that preyed on the elderly. But I didn’t know right
from wrong. I was doing a lot of blow. Damn, that is hard-core.
I-I thought it would be for something like
stealing honey or something. Wow, Trevor.
Just ’cause I’m a bear, you assume I steal honey? Do I look like Winnie the Pooh? That’s racist. Oh, no, no, I… No, I didn’t… I didn’t mean, um,
to offend you. -I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
-Okay, I forgive you. See, that’s what
this country’s all about: giving people second chances. That’s why anyone who wants to
fight fires should be able to. Except for people who won’t
put out their campfires. Those people should have their
dicks ripped off by a bear. But not me. I’m still on parole! Wow, that’s, uh, pretty extreme. Not as extreme
as discriminating against people who’ve paid their debt
to society. Ex-convicts should be able
to train as firefighters. And that’s why
I’m changing my slogan to “Remember,
only you and cell block ‘D’ can prevent forest fires.” Well, thank you so much
for joining us. Smokey the Bear, everyone.
[phone ringing] Hello, this is Gavin. (Colin)
Hi, Gavin, my name
is Colin Valenti. I’m calling from
Master Travel Incorporated to tell you about an exciting
limited-time offer, exclusive Las Vegas getaway. Can I have a few moments
of your time to tell you
about this new package? You know what,
I would love to, but I just don’t have the time. [phone beeps] Hello? Hello? [disconnect tone] Hm. [touch tones beeping] [line trilling] [phone ringing] (Colin)
This is Colin Valenti,
Master Travel Incorporated. How may I be of service? Hi, Colin Valenti. My name is Gavin. I think we just talked. Did we get disconnected? (Colin)
Yeah, no–I mean, yeah,
I hung up on you. Why would you do that? I mean, are you even– Are you even allowed
to do that? (Colin)
Were you going to buy
the Las Vegas package? Well, I mean, probably not,
but that’s not the point. (Gavin)
The point is– [phone beeps] What the hell? [touch tones beeping] [line trilling] (Colin)
This is Colin– Yeah, Valenti.
I don’t know what
crawled up your ass and set up shop there,
but you don’t get to hang up– [phone beeps]
[gasps] What? Oh, my g– [line trilling] [phone ringing] (Colin)
What the [bleep] do you want? What is your deal, huh? (Colin)
Um, you don’t want
the Vegas package, so I don’t want to talk. I did us a favor,
wasting our time here. (Gavin)
Stop, stop, don’t you dare hang up that [bleep] phone,
Why shouldn’t I? Why shou– What if I wanted
the Vegas package? Wha–you know what? I want the Vegas package. (Colin)
Sure you do. [phone beeps] What? You mother[bleep]! Oh, my God! You son of a bitch. [line trilling] (Colin)
Come on, man, let it go. [bleep] you, man! [bleep] you! I want five [bleep] packages! Right now–you know what? (Gavin)
You know what?
Where’s my wallet? This is my credit card
number, right here. Okay, listen. Get [bleep] off me. My credit card number
is 0074-5403-0098. The expiration date
is 12-20! And then–and then the–
oh, yeah! The security number is 084! So run the damn card right now! Right [bleep] now! You run it right [bleep] now,
asshole! [suspenseful music] (Colin)
Thank you for your business. Well, I hope
you learned your le– [phone beeps]
[gasps] [screaming] These new call scripts
are really great. Yeah, I know, right? [phone rings] What the [bleep]
do you want, Kathy?
– The one thing I’ve
learned over the years is that you can’t be afraid of failing. In fact on my show when I help businesses I fail all the time. I’m normally shy to show those moments but tonight I’m going
to make an exception. So let’s take a look now at
some of my greatest failures. One of my least popular ideas was for a completely germ-free hot dog stand. At outdoor food carts it’s easy for germs to transfer from money to your food so to completely eliminate this I designed a hands-free method to apply
condiments to the wiener. Also, there would be a second employee whose only job is to handle the money. – What are you doing with the wallet? – We’re doing a germ-free experience so you don’t handle your own money. – [Customer] Oh really? – [Nathan Voiceover] But
people were a bit annoyed with the money handling part. – Can I have my wallet back? – And the hands-free onion dispenser proved to be problematic as well. So you have to up, one up one down, and when it hits the table
the onions will fall. – [Cart Owner] Drop it, keep
droppin’ it, up down, drop it. – [Nathan] Harder. Fast. – [Customer] This is not gonna work. – That’s nothing to do
with the contraption, if you drop a hot dog you drop a hot dog. The public just wasn’t ready for the germ-free hot dog experience. So I laid the concept to rest. Next, I had an idea for a tearless way to tell a child that their pet has died, to be an upsell service
for an animal hospital. The concept was to make a video of the pet while it’s still alive telling the child it’s in animal heaven now. I hired the only voice
actor that responded to my Craigslist ad to be the dog, but when we showed it
to the owner’s child– (fanning harp music) – Oh, it’s me, Madi, I’m in heaven now. So sorry I died, I miss you so much. I’m happy here so I’m not coming home. – No, she doesn’t. – No. – Aw. It’s okay. – [Nathan Voiceover] He
hated his dog’s voice. Another flubbed idea. Next, we all hate paying
those pesky ATM fees that charge us up to three dollars for basically doing nothing. So I designed an ATM that
cleans your card during the transaction so you get
something for your money. No transaction fee, just
a card cleaning fee. But my mistake was that
the washing process took almost seven minutes and
people who were in a hurry got a little frustrated. It still surprised me because the machine was doing a thorough job
but even after all that, people still didn’t think
their cards were clean enough. – This is not clean. – That looks cleaner. – No, there’s still dirt right there. – [Nathan Voiceover] People
just weren’t as excited about it as I had hoped. And lastly, my favorite ideas
don’t just help with business, they’re good for the community as well. So I approached a bar
with an innovative way to stop drunks from
getting behind the wheel. The concept was to have a
street magician stationed outside the bar performing a
magic trick that allows him to secretly test the Blood Alcohol Levels of patrons as they leave. And with my background in
magic I offered to test it out. – For my final trick I’m
gonna need your keys. – My keys? – Yes, great, give the wand a blow. (exhales) Okay, a little bit harder,
right into the top. (hollow whistling) Okay, and you are over the legal limit. – [Man] Okay. – Blood Alcohol so your keys are gone and I cannot give them back to you. – Okay. – Sorry. – [Nathan Voiceover] But
that’s when I realized the flaw in my idea. If I held onto his
keys, and he took a cab, the guy couldn’t get into his apartment. – Could I get my keys please? – I can’t because you’re drunk. – Please give me my keys. – [Nathan Voiceover] And the
only solution at that point was to drive him home. – You live far. – I know I do. – [Nathan Voiceover] Also
once I got him home I realized I couldn’t just give him his
keys until he was asleep, or else he might go out and drive again. – You need to see me sleeping? – I need to see you fall
asleep before I leave your keys or else you might take
them and go out again. You don’t brush your teeth before bed? – Usually not, I usually
brush my teeth in the morning. – Really? – Yup. I know it’s kinda gross
but nobody else is really paying attention to the
way my breath smells. – [Nathan Voiceover] So
I had to put him to bed and make sure he went to sleep. ♫ And if that looking glass gets broke ♫ Mama’s gonna get you a billy goat – [Nathan Voiceover]
Before I left his keys. So as you can see, even the
greatest minds fail sometimes. – [Customer] Ohh!
When “Keeping it Real” Goes Wrong. Vernon Franklin was
an exceptional young man. He was the valedictorian
of his high school class, won several scholarships, and became the first person
in his family to attend college. He got a good job and worked
14-hour days, 6 days a week, quickly becoming
the youngest vice president in the history
of the Via Corp Corporation, ending the cycle of violence
and drug addiction that had plagued
his family for generations. The officers of his company
were wrapping up the usual Thursday meeting
in the South Conference Room when Frank Murphy,
the man who had mentored Vernon, made an awkward comment. Vernon, great job, buddy. You the man.
Give me some skin, huh? Vernon got along with all
of the people he worked with, which in his heart of hearts
made him feel like an Uncle Tom. Though he could have ignored
the simple comment his mentor made,
Vernon decided to keep it real. Get your motherfucking hand
out of my face. You heard me, motherfucker.
Get your hands outta my face. What you think this is, man?
Just shake my hand like a man. “All right, give me some five
on the backhand side with all this crazy jive.” It’s bullshit.
Want a little soft shoe? Should I juggle some
watermelons for you, boss? Fuck all that, nigger. Hey, Vernon, buddy. Get your motherfucking hands
off me, Frank. This ain’t a game. This isn’t the Vernon I know. Allow me to reintroduce myself.
My name is Hov You never heard that before,
have you? Rap music is dangerous.
I used to beat motherfuckers up just like you just for
walking around my way, nigger. Vernon, Vernon, buddy. You better sit the fuck down,
Frank. Excuse me? I said sit down, bitch.
Thug life. You think this
is a game, nigger? Wu-Tang. Today, Vernon works
at Sonny’s Fill ‘Er Up on Route 80 in New Jersey. He makes $6.45 an hour
and stinks of gasoline, even when he’s not
at the station. It’s as real as it can be. Dollar? What I’m gonna
get with a dollar, nigger? I got kids,
and that’s real. Vernon Franklin, once a heart-
warming story of perseverance. Wu-Tang. Today, a sparkling example
of when keeping it real goes wrong.