Trump Is Turning The Oval Office Into A Treehouse


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, THE BIG NEWS OUT OF
WASHINGTON, D.C., JUST THIS AFTERNOON, AS THE WHITE HOUSE
FINALLY RELEASED TRUMP’S TAX PLAN. THAT PLAN? NEVER RELEASE TRUMP’S TAXES. ( LAUGHTER )
ANYTHING? HAS HE RELEASED THEM YET? NO, NO. SO FAR, ALL HE’S RELEASED IS HIS
1040 F-U. TO EXPLAIN THE PLAN, TRUMP SENT
OUT HIS TEAM OF WORKING CLASS, BLUE COLLAR, FORMER GOLDMAN
SACHS EXECUTIVES, GARY COHN AND STEVE MNUCHIN.>>WE ARE GOING TO CUT TAXES AND
SIMPLIFY THE TAX CODE BY TAKING THE CURRENT SEVEN TAX BRACKETS
WE HAVE TODAY AND REDUCING THEM TO ONLY THREE BRACKETS:
A 10% BRACKET, A 25% BRACKET, AND A 35% BRACKET
>>Stephen: OH, YEAH, BABY, FEWER BRACKETS. IT’S REALLY GOING TO SIMPLIFY
YOUR OFFICE POOL DURING TAX MADNESS. , OF COURSE, LOOK AT THE
BRACTSES. YOU CAN TELL. IT’S POOR VERSUS MIDDLE CLASS,
AND RICH VERSUS NOBODY, BECAUSE THEY WIN. NOW, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
HAS A VERY STRONG RATIONALE FOR SIMPLIFYING THE TAX CODE.>>IN 1935, WE HAD A ONE-PAGE
TAX FORM CONSISTING OF 34 LINES WITH TWO PAGES OF INSTRUCTIONS. TODAY, THE BASIC 1040 FORM HAS
79 LINES AND 211 PAGES OF INSTRUCTIONS. GLSK, 1935 WAS THE
HEIGHT OF THE GREAT DEPRESSION, SO THE TWO-PAGE FORM WAS JUST
“PAGE ONE: DO YOU HAVE MONEY? YES OR NO.” AND PAGE TWO WAS SO YOU WOULD
HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP’S MADE THIS PLAN EVEN SIMPLER BECAUSE IT’S JUST ONE
PAGE OF DOUBLE-SPACED BULLET POINTS WITH SOME HEFTY MARGINS. I’M GOING TO SAY IT’S NOT
REALLUCONFIDENCE BUILDING WHEN REALLY CONFIDENCE BUILDING WHEN
YOUR TAX REFORM PLAN IS HALF AS LONG AS THE INSTRUCTIONS TO SET
UP A VITAMIX. HEY, YOU GUYS REMEMBER ABOUT
TRUMP AND RUSSIA AND HOW MAYBE THEY HAVE INCRIMINATING
INFORMATION ON OUR PRESIDENT AND ARE RUNNING HIM LIKE A
FOREIGN AGENT AND HOW MEMBERS OF HIS TEAM WERE CAUGHT ON TAPE
BY THE F.B.I. TALKING TO KNOWN RUSSIAN OPERATIVES AFTER
PROMISING THEY’D NEVER MET THEM? REMEMBER THAT? ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, THERE’S MORE. THIS TIME, IT’S ABOUT FORMER
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND BEFORE PICTURE IN A LAXATIVE AD,
MICHAEL FLYNN. THE PRESIDENT FIRED FLYNN BACK
IN FEBRUARY BECAUSE FLYNN LIED ABOUT DISCUSSING SANCTIONS WITH
THE RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR BEFORE TRUMP TOOK OFFICE. TURNS OUT, THAT WAS JUST THE TIP
OF THE CORRUPTION-BERG, BECAUSE WE LEARNED YESTERDAY THAT FLYNN
ALSO DIDN’T DISCLOSE THAT HE HAD BEEN PAID MORE THAN $65,000 BY
COMPANIES LINKED TO RUSSIA IN 2015, INCLUDING A $45,000
SPEAKING FEE FROM THE KREMLIN-CONTROLLED TV NETWORK,
RUSSIA TODAY. AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME
FOOTAGE– I KNOW, IT’S UPSETTING, IT’S UPSETTING. WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF FLYNN’S
SPEECH. ♪ O-HO-HO-HO-HOOOO
LA-LA-LA♪ THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, SIR. BUT IT’S NOT LIKE FLYNN WAS A
DOUBLE AGENT WORKING FOR RUSSIA. HE WAS A TRIPLE AGENT BECAUSE HE
WAS ALSO WORKING FOR TURKEY, WHICH PAID HIM MORE THAN
$500,000. LOOK, WHEN YOU’RE NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR, YOU’VE GOT TO DISCLOSE FOREIGN PAYMENTS. OTHERWISE, YOU END UP WITH A
SITUATION LIKE THIS: “GENERAL FLYNN, SHOULD WE BOMB
TURKEY?” “HOLD ON, SIR. LET ME CHECK MY VENMO.” AND I’D HOLD OFF. AND THE CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE
OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE, JASON CHAFFETZ, HAD WHAT I WOULD
DESCRIBE AS A FLACCID CONDEMNATION OF FLYNN’S ACTIONS.>>FROM WHAT YOU’VE SEEN SO FAR,
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT MICHAEL FLYNN BROKE THE LAW?>>PERSONALLY, I SEE NO
INFORMATION OR NO DATA TO SUPPORT THE NOTION THAT GENERAL
FLYNN COMPLIED WITH THE LAW.>>Stephen: I HAVE SEEN NO
INFORMATION OR DATA TO CONFIRM THAT FLYNN COMFLIED WITH THE
LAW. THERE IT IS. YOU CAN’T SAY ANYTHING STRONGER
THAN THAT, “DARLING, I HAVE DONE THE RESEARCH, AND I SEE NO
EVIDENCE THAT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. THEREFORE, THE ONLY POSSIBLE
CONCLUSION I CAN REACH IS WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
( LAUGHTER ) THEN CHAFFETZ BURROWED OVER TO
GRETA VAN SUSTREN’S NEW MSNBC SHOW TO CLARIFY.>>ALL RIGHT, TO SHORTHAND THIS,
WOULD YOU SAY AFTER WHAT YOU REVIEWED TODAY THAT GENERAL
FLYNN IS IN A HEAP OF TROUBLE?>>YES, YES. CLEARLY, UHM, YOU CAN’T DO THIS.>>Stephen: YES, YOU CAN’T DO
THIS! AS GEORGE WASHINGTON SAID TO
BENEDICT ARNOLD, “NO FAIRSIES, BENNY! YOU PROMISED TO BE ON OUR SIDE. KNOCK IT OFF!”
SERIOUSLY! JASON CHAFFETZ, PLEASE, JUST
GROW A PAIR AND TELL US WHAT FLYNN DID. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU GUTLESS CHARLES SCHULZ ROUGH DRAFT. QUICK ASIDE, QUICK ASIDE. CONGRATULATIONS TO GRETA ON HER
NEW, SHOW “FOR THE RECORD.” IF YOU REMEMBER, FOR YEARS, HER
OLD SHOW ON FOX NEWS WAS CALLED “ON THE RECORD.” BECAUSE “FOR” THE RECORD, SHE NO
LONGER BELIEVES ANYTHING SHE SAID THAT WAS “ON” THE RECORD. I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING HER
FUTURE CNN SHOW, “PLEASE ERASE THE RECORD.” AS A POLITICAL OUTSIDER, IT’S
TAKING DONALD TRUMP A LITTLE WHILE TO GET A HANDLE ON HOW
STUFF WORKS IN THE NATION’S CAPITAL. BUT THERE’S ONE PIECE OF WHITE
HOUSE PROTOCOL THAT TRUMP HAS MASTERED, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, WITH THE PUSH OF A RED BUTTON PLACED ON
THE RESOLUTE DESK… OH, GOD! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE PUSHES THE
BUTTON? A WHITE HOUSE BUTLER ARRIVES
WITH A COKE FOR THE PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK GOD. I WAS WORRIED THERE. HE’S JUST TURNING THE OVAL
OFFICE INTO AN 8-YEAR-OLD’S DRAWING OF A DREAM TREEHOUSE. “THERE’D BE A BUTTON WHERE I GET
COKE WHEREVER I WANT, AND A SLIDE INTO A BALL PIT, AND
BIGFOOT SLEEPS OVER AND HE TEACHES ME KARATE.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S NICE. GOOD FOR HIM. GOOD FOR HIM. HE SHOULD HAVE SOME FUN. THE PRESIDENT DESERVES TO BE
REFRESHED. THE PAUSE THAT REFRESHES–
A BUTLER BRINGING HIM HIS COKE– REALLY LIVING THE DREAM. I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PICTURE OF
THE BUTLER. THERE YOU GO. YEAH, YEAH. HERE’S SOME GOOD NEWS. ON SUNDAY, WE GOT SOME UNLIKELY
ALLIES IN THE WAR ON TERROR WHEN THREE ISIS FIGHTERS WERE
KILLED BY WILD BOARS. THAT IS BOTH SHOCKING AND NOT
HALAL. ( LAUGHTER )
AND KIND OF NOT FAIR. ( APPLAUSE )
THEY’RE WILD PIGS. THEY CAN’T EAT THEM BACK. IT’S NOT FAIR. OF COURSE, IT’S NOT THE FIRST
TIME ANIMALS HAVE HELPED IN THE WAR ON TERROR. AFTER ALL, OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS
TAKEN OUT BY SEAL TEAM SIX. HUGE NEWS IN THE WORLD OF SPORT. YOU KNOW I LOVE SPORT, JON. I TALK ABOUT SPORT ALL THE TIME.>>Jon: ALL THE TIME.>>Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE
BASEBALL’S MIAMI MARLINS ARE GOING TO BE SOLD TO
A GROUP LED BY DEREK JETER AND JEB BUSH. OR AS THEY’RE KNOWN BY THEIR
CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: “DEREK JETER.” ( APPLAUSE )
FITS. FITS. WORKS. BASEBALL APPARENTLY VERY POPULAR
WITH REPUBLICAN DYNASTIES BECAUSE– THIS IS TRUE– LOOK
WHO JUST GOT EDGED OUT FROM BUYING THE TEAM– TAGG ROMNEY. I THINK– THIS ISN’T FAIR. I THINK A GUY NAME TAGG SHOULD
REALLY OWN A BASEBALL TEAM. THE SAME WAY THE KNICKS SHOULD
BE OWNED BY BILLIONAIRE. DUNK HOOPERSON. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. AMERICA FERRARA IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I’VE GOT A
SPECIAL MESSAGE… FROM JESUS. STICK AROUND.

Testing 9 VIRAL TikTok Life Hacks to See if They Work!


we are testing the most extreme viral
take on my packs do they work or do they not work go first tick tock let’s go I
don’t understand what are they using oh it’s foil they’re using foil they set
off their school alarm I think okay so it looks like this applies to need you
just need gum wrapper and then you just need a I think you can use a triple-a or
a double a either way and then I’m being handed a pencil so I’m assuming I need
this for something should we have water or something yeah let’s get some water
oh by the way don’t try these tick tock Y packs at home okay I will tell you
this though this life hack works Maddie has to go buy a hundred dollars with the
press in Salzburg okay that’s fine oh why can’t she just agreed to it make
sure you guys use the foil side so this is the inside of the gum wrapper you
don’t use that I think it’s just like regular paper material the outside is
what we’re trying to use so how we’re gonna put this down to get the minus on
it and you’re gonna want the positive side of the battery on the top this is
dangerous Oh Oh what already started smoking it
already started smoking wait a second Oh oh my god but so cool I can’t believe
this is actually working if they all work I will literally go out and jump in
the cold plunge pool naked if you ever look your keys in the car
here’s a way to get it unlocked and all you need is a tennis ball so
there’s no way in impressive because the chances of this one working is like the
equivalent of like Cal’s writing for this guy Matty there’s no way like
you’re not gonna cut a hole in a tennis ball and then the shirt gets it open
Betty but we’re not like in space how much air pressure can a tennis ball
really create to change or unlock a mechanical lock the first one was cool
it actually worked the chances of this one working slim to none but you know
what regardless of that ladies and gentlemen I’ll take this moment if it
does or does not work to take your device you’re watching this video on
turning like this make that red subscribe button grey alright so if we
want to really test this Maddie you should let me lock your keys in the car. No! Preston, no no. Do you have spare keys? No! How am I ever supposed to get take talk famous come on Maddy no well just lucky I’ll go get high and
get you an uber yes it’s perfectly safe look at his with a giant open parking
lot that’s a hard caste fine all right so I don’t know like all he did in the
video he cut like just cut a small hole in the tennis I think that’s safe we
think you should stab towards it but so like how many Preston’s does it take to
cut a tennis ball okay Johnny to make like an incision help get
these sisters are tough enough okay we upgraded yeah we had to get a box cutter
which is very dangerous by the way bro okay this tennis ball better give us the
air pressure so now I think we have to cut like a circle right like in the
video they had a circle cut in their tennis ball I don’t know how they did
that so well so use the box cutter make a hole in the tennis ball then use some
scissors to kind of make the hole a little bit bigger oh yes she on the
money buffaloes but whatever Miami Buffalo Miami Buffalo someone does
not watch football but I watch anime that is almost identical to the tick
tock we just watched the car is locked does it’s not gonna work so don’t get
your hopes up so he puts it on here pumps it like twice do it again there isn’t Maddie I could
do this a hundred thousand times do it and this won’t work
I’m literally rocking the car this woman I think this one’s a myth guys this week
I know she just did Maddie I saw that that’s a myth this one has been busted
Bree what are you watching the Jonas Brothers just made a new tech dog and
that was hilarious oh my gosh I love them I actually found a life hack on
tik-tok that I think you should try oh I need all the hacks of life what what is
it it’s how to solve a Rubik’s Cube but oh I think I can impress my husband
without lying down he’s literally just going up and down and everything’s
changing well that’s easy enough why didn’t my mom tell me that’s an
elementary school I would have been the coolest kid in class do I have a Rubik’s
Cube do you just carry this in your purse I already mixed it up for you is
it up up down I think it’s up down why are you facing away from me trying to
show you the Rubik’s Cube it’s the most important part up I don’t know why he
was calling this up because it’s going to the side down unless I’m doing it
wrong no I think that’s right hey any moment now
up down there’s more bread there’s more bread
up down you’re a lot slower than he huh down am I doing this right up down up
yeah Mattia don’t like your life hack hey
guys president Bree are having an insanely good time with these life hacks
and I don’t want to figure out a good one that I can use – let’s see what life
pack is show you guys how to get out at times in 60 seconds if pressing – Briana
– I don’t know if you’re gonna have enough time to do all this pull it
through here we go see it’s through the other side so I tied my shoelaces
together off-camera because I want to save some
time ready guys I need to get my hands if tied right now who’s gonna zip timing
it all right finally Nick got me zip tied let’s go see if we can get this how
do you he also have to be flexible for this life hack let’s test your shoelace
just your fine nose I gotta get the lace around Nick how do I get the lace oh
what’s not gonna help but my laces aren’t as long as the dude in the video
I only have like three-inch laces you can see that close up there I almost
have the lace all the way through use the wrist there we go
this guy’s way more flexible than me how in the world I have to bite that lace I
know I got to get my teeth down there hops are cramping monkey life and death
kidnapping situation you need to flex yourself out of this I’m not flexible
enough think I don’t know but I feel like whoever kidnapped you would have
noticed you doing this by now no they’re probably out grabbing lunch or something
what if the kidnappers just left your shoelaces tied like this like what if
hypothetically the kidnappers tied your shoelaces the way that the guy in the
video did not knowing this life hack would let you out you’re saying what if
my kidnappers were stupid oh my gosh my kidnappers left my laces tied around my
zip-tied that works so easy that was so
incredibly easy if your kidnappers leave your life this is it time for your zip
tie you gettin out no problem Nikki are you feeling okay you’re not in
your pizza merch Matty all my pizza merch is dirty so I have to buy more
pizza hoodies from Preston style calm obviously and then after I’m done wanna
buy some stuff from Raleigh B – or you could just buy stuff from oily B I mean
can’t shoes I have more than one love in my life one is pizza hoodies and one is
really be merch there’s two things that I love tick tock life hacks
I’ve always been testing those today and I think I deserve a chance to test them
so look I found this on salt absorbs glue oh I didn’t know that
hey he’s putting a lot of glue into that and there’s the salt okay Madi in it
right it was right on no that’s just gone the glue just disappears I think
you need to try that okay you just you just have yes Matty I have it okay relax
your roll there’s no one else think that’s a little strange
this is important stuff how would I do this trick talk if I didn’t have this
stuff and I’m always prepared so you’re struggling a little
what is this childproof oh it’s the other side the other side so now you
have to put glue in there first the smart Maddie this is why I have you here
okay so he did a lot of glue so I’m gonna do a lot of glue as well yep keep
going hey even more than that I mean this
looks like pretty okay yeah that’s as much as the glues I really hope the salt
absorbs it cuz it’s starting to get real cold okay
moment of truth just there we go this is oh you’re making a mess just it kind of
worked no it did Matt it didn’t work at all no
my hands are just covered in Brussels oh you this life hack
no no one that gave it to you because this is a terrible time I’m just gonna
leave you clean that up I’m gonna go are you gonna eat guys life hack busted
uh-oh we’re watching another tick tock and I don’t know who this girl is but
she’s she’s got the favorite Alan Red Solo cups okay so she’s unwinding an
entire this is so wasteful it’s an entire roll of paper towel dude this is
too much what no it’s not it’s just enough this
is a one minute tick-tock wait you can make a speaker with a roll of paper
towels and two Red Solo cups no hold on okay and let me see if this works if
this works I’ve got a bone to pick with this one we will not be wasting all of
this beautiful paper towel we just need the roll at the end okay so now that
we’ve got the roll what you want to do is you want to make an incision right
here in the middle there we go yeah I gotta make okay so once you have
the incision made for the size of your cellular device then we have to make two
more incisions on these plastic cups oh my gosh this is actually plastic cups
are not be easiest to make cuts in one more incision on the cup over here so
now you got to squeeze the tube inside the plastic cup where you made the
incision there is no way this works what are we gonna play now with our amplified
speakers I’m not gonna play one of my own videos because that would be too
cliche so I’m gonna play one of the videos from this very humble handsome
man named Preston plays no affiliation alright hold on the phone is going into
this oh no do not make a deep incision push like a reverse pregnant woman right
now oh it’s in this is the most Scott thing I have ever seen in my entire life
okay here we go three two and one it works really well
can you guys hear that it’s actually so loud it kind of actually really work I
can’t believe this word that does work the Sheep is attack today oh but it’s
trash Bri what do you have going on here I have found an amazing tick tock
because when I was in cheerleading we have like days where you’d randomly give
football players a lot of watermelon now what I mean thinking about it that’s
kind of I’ve never heard of that ever in my life but I would love to learn how to
cut a watermelon more efficiently you know I’m really bad with my knife skills
well here let me show it to you okay oh it kind of looks gross at the same time
I don’t really know that I like it being cut that way I’m gonna just be honest I
have absolutely no knife skills and this is making me tear up my skills does it
take out numchuck skills let’s take an expert to cut a watermelon apparently it
does watermelons even in season this time of year no it was very hard to find
this one but where is it from did you ship it in from night cards you crew the
one I didn’t teach me okay so we now have an empty Pringles can just like the
tick-tock that I’m hearing today I don’t know oh that was Ricky I think I’m done
I’m done so now do I just lift it off I pull it sideways no don’t lift it up cuz
it’ll fall out why oh hold on no it’s there it’s totally gonna come out success that sounds like success okay
you got a really good clean cut in there well apparently this hack is busted we
do have a large hole in the watermelon but Mady if you don’t help me clean up
after this you know what’s gonna happen nope free I make it alright guys since
the last hack works only if you’re extremely flexible which I’m not I got a
second chance so another life hack I’m a check out right now we’re gonna put to
the test and hopefully this one doesn’t require any flexibility all right how to
unlock a phone without a passcode the glove wears a glove that give me a glove
yo yo wait yo hold on a small problem your phone requires special recognition
ain’t no glove press on your phone but maybe if we put the glove on our head no
I don’t think you’re gonna fit that all my head’s too large wait now we have it
open is it working nope still locked seriously man
all these tick tock life hacks are all trash first one you gotta be flexible
this one they don’t even sell gloves large enough to go over my head
second tick tock lifehack completely busted Nick Madi I found the best tick
tock life hack in the world and also I got my new delivery of Preston Styles
calm Pizza shirts so here’s the light back it’s something to do my laksa
oh she heard you trying I thought the robot’s hear me Oh
quantity of a conceptual substance by the way when you teach me your voice I
can start making your Alexa experience more personal would you like to take a
moment to do it now no I don’t have them these in my house for that reason so
supposedly it’s something to do with this so let’s just watch the tick tock
up up down down left right left right be a start supera let’s a little super
Alexa mode hey Alexa up up down down left right left right B a start
super Alexa mode activated starting reactors online reactor in a long
advanced systems scary that’s why we unplug it because the robots can’t take
us if they don’t have their batteries here we go what’s the next hack Oh how
to have conversations in class wait what trade air pods type something in Google
Translate wait does this actually work there’s only one way to find out oh so
to test this out we both we both give a left 30 years I’m not afraid of you
search your pods okay let’s do we do it oh this is so now you go to google
translate I think breeze should be in her office
for this yeah yeah go in your office go your office
no don’t erase it don’t erase it no listen if you don’t follow my tape talk
to your Krusty if you don’t follow breeze you can’t use my joke okay wait hold on
I’m going to enter I don’t know what the secret message should be maybe we’ll say
something like can we say Pokemon will that go through whoa did you hear a translate we breed you or me
it’s my boombox you just hold on she said I’m stupid stop it freak it is okay
no I don’t like this live back anymore my wife is literally killing me stupid
over and over again hey give me my give me my ear plug back would you just say
she said I’m sorry haha such a good right the greatest
thing about this is I get to time it I don’t like the evil laughter okay
breathe and there goes we’re going into bata to elope fine they won’t allow them
to marry a stuffed animal this is the finale of the viral life hack Tech Talks
ladies and gentlemen this is what we call the matchbox rocket oh no that’s
one of those pliers foil this is already above my paygrade
wait you get the wrap you have to what you wrap the matches in the foil wait
he’s using bolt this is like a what like a tnt cannon for Minecraft literally a
bomb I might need some backup come here Keith
you need to help me do this wait what is that what I want to do okay yeah I’m
game you want to separate the match head from the match I’m gonna save this so
then we use foil you have to fold it really really really tight boy we really
thought I was we’re criticism on my tik-tok lie back
okay one the video what the person does is they take two match boxes anyway well
on they stack the candle on the two match boxes they may take another match
box they attach it on the inside which you can’t do because we got a busted
match box they light they basically light the candle and then like point it
like this come on kind of scared bro I’m a little scared bro awesome it’s busted
really really these experts to ruin my take on video is shaving the match outer
ring on to the on to the tinfoil folks Nick what do you have to say about your
process here this is this is how you do it
amazing don’t try this at home put that in your nose and light it this is a
terrible idea for the records do not do this anywhere hottest point of the
flames at the dip it’s working it’s working do you know it’s working I know
it’s working dude Oh happen it’s about to happen we used way more than the regulated size
of gunpowder while we’re finding where that landed don’t forget to kondeh
within the first 60 minutes of a video being uploaded because your comment will
be featured right here let assume you want to see more take dog viral eye
packs have a great day god bless it we’ll see you all next time

Find the worst in dancing! Who will pay for lunch? [Sister’s Slam Dunk Season2 / 2017.03.31]


Now I’ll sit out… – Yes. / – And your favorite person… Mr. Stubborn will take over. I give you a fail. (He failed both Minzy and Somi!) I feel like you’re insulting me. (Sook was failed!) Fail. Fail. I give you a fail. You fail. (He’s very stubborn when it comes to dancing!) (Which part of the choreography did he make?) (They reposition with the Unnies dance) (Where the choreography splits!) (This hard part will take forever to learn…) Four go this way… – And you all come this way. / – Right. Gosh… This is trouble. This is the hardest move and… – It’s us three? / – Hold on. What? This is trouble? – It’s a hard move… / – For those three? (What’s wrong with us?) Teacher, show us. Trust us. – Show us first. / – We’ll pull an all-nighter. Then I’ll them ready so please teach them their part. Let’s get started now. You twist your hand. Please, please… Bend back like this here. Teacher! I can’t do this one. It’s easy but the move looks hard. Bam and then come down. Come down. Wow, I’ve never taught like this before. – Again. / – Teacher, how fast does this go? (It’s actually a bit faster than this) Like that. Let’s try again. 3, 4… (They practice again) (The dance robot Somi is scanning) Again. 3, 4… (No sweat for these two) Teacher, they can do it after seeing it once. Who? – Us two. / – Show us. 3, 4. – 1, 2, 3, 4… / – Please, hold, butt, throw away. 5, 6, 7! They can do it right away. I don’t think I can do this. Think of it as posing for photos. 1, 2… 3, 4… 5, 6, 7… You’re not getting upset, are you? – No, no. / – You seem to be shouting. I just want you to focus. – Don’t get annoyed already. / – Don’t be mad. – We’re sorry. / – Don’t worry about it. (The others practice the Unnies dance) You’re really good at this. – Really? / – Right. – So coy. / – Yeah, that’s right. ♪ Please, please, please ♪ – ♪ Tell ♪ / – ♪ Tell ♪ ♪ Me ♪ Just that part. 1, 2, 3, 4. ♪ Please, please, please tell me ♪ – You’re done? / – Yes, they’re done. – Their dance is really easy. / – It’s easy, right? They have more moves. That’s why Gyusang said that. Chaeyoung, you got lucky. Mr. Stubborn. We’ll start from here. That side get ready too. – Let’s do it together. / – Come in at 5, 6, 7. (Nervous) 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4 5, 6, 7. (What’s the next move after this?) (After repositioning) (A powerful hip shaking move!) People on this side change positions… Face forward and learn this move. It’s like this. – What? / – What is it? From the back it’s this. Now I’ll just face forward. You start from here. (Move your arms out with the step) Oh, you go down? (Jinyoung is doing the twist) (How am I doing, teacher?) Isn’t this a dance for Jinyoung? It’s Jinyoung’s style. They put in her signature dance. – Let’s try it. / – This is my dance. She looks too frivolous. You’re doing it right but just add up, down. – You’re the best at this. / – Yes. Let’s try it again. (They practice again!) (Amazed) You can do this! Why? Very good, very good. I think she’s making it harder. This is harder. – Teacher, is this right? / – It’s hard. The direction is right. Just think of doing this. Like this… There you go! You’re doing it. Your hands go like this. You can all do it like this. (Even Chaeyoung can do it well!) I feel like my organs are twisting! Now, let’s all turn backwards. You can do this too? (They can even move their hands out now!) You’re almost there, almost there. (What’s the next move?) (A domino style cheering move!) (How is this medium difficulty?) Let’s start with the moves first. 3, 4… Right here. Your pelvis. Your hip. – Pelvis? / – Pelvis. Hit hard with your pelvis. You turn your hand like you’re slapping someone. If you want your body to look pretty… Go… And… Then you go down and… Oh! Yes. Your butt sticks out a lot more than mine. (Pointy) (Gasping) Let’s try it. – Take your sunglasses off if you’re hot. / – I can’t. My eyes are too small. We want to see your eyes. That makes us want to see them more. He’ll take them off if you rank 1st in Melon. What? We’re not doing this to see that. I didn’t say that. Let’s see those innocent eyes. – No. / – Come on, teacher… You get how it goes right? – Yes. / – Since we’re all so hot… We shouldn’t move on. Let’s try to do this again. Can we watch 1st and 2nd? – We should. / – Let’s watch the two best. – Stick together. / – We have to watch them. (Wow) (The skills of double wings of Unnies) They’re really good. They’re better than I am. They’re good! Sorry. Let’s see 5th and 6th. 6th and 7th! Let’s see. 6th and 7th, let’s go! 5, 6, 7, 8… (Did someone push her?) Yewon, you wobbled! Jinkyung, you’re in 6th. – Pardon? / – Jinkyung, you’re in 6th. Oh, thank you. I’m in 7th. So… What’s the next move? – What? / – So… Oh, this one. (The cheerleading domino move!) This one is kind of like your group’s dance, right? It is. Huh? (This is like the dance for “Very Very Very”) What’s that? This is how my choreography goes. Doesn’t Sistar have a dance like this? With that logic, you can’t even include walking in the choreography. You have to walk like this if you couldn’t use that. (Hahaha) You’d have to sing like this. And dance with your foot like this. And do body waves like this. (Sorry about that, teacher) – Teacher, this one… / – Do the wave backwards… What? For Jinkyung and my part, can we do this? – It doesn’t matter if you use that. / – Really? I want to use it. I like it. Choreographers sure are different. So you got it now, right? You memorized it? – What? / – How far did we get? We should do it to the music to know where we are. – Let’s try. / – Can we dance to the music? I bet we forgot all the beginning parts. Do you guys remember the beginning? (Minzy remembers) Then walk in a circle. Walk around. (Now the choreography splits!) (Hesitating) (Totally off beat on the first day) (Even the move they just learned…) (Ends in a total mess!) Isn’t this it? No, Minzy… (Mind blank) Isn’t this it? – No, Minzy… / – We passed that part. (This is a big trouble) Teacher, the dance was so slow before. 1, 2, 3, 4. The song would be over by then. I guess this dance is really fast. You rush the moves because you aren’t mobile. Some moves you just can’t do even with practice. (Somi calls someone) Hello? (Who is she calling? Is she calling for help?) – Yes. / – We’d like… 6 orders of black-bean noodles. (Why is ordering lunch so serious?) Two orders of pan-fried noodles, one large size, one fried rice, a rice omelet, one large sweet and sour pork, one seafood platter, spicy seafood broth for everyone and can you throw in extra chili flakes? And we’d like 9 fried eggs with runny yolks. We don’t do fried eggs. – You don’t? / – All girl groups eat eggs. Oh, alright. Okay. Last place pays. Last place treats everyone. (Black-bean noodles with high calories) The ranks will keep changing. – Yewon. / – She goes in front of me? You two switch. Switch, switch. Why am I last place? (They’ll dance until the Chinese food arrives!) The one who’s in last place when our food comes pays for everything. We don’t know when the food will come. Just pay once the food comes. This is a war over lunch. This is for Chinese food. I’m really at a disadvantage now. Let’s hurry. Teacher, let’s hurry. (Shall we start?) (Struggling) Now, you three change. – What? / – Chaeyoung… Why? Why? If the food comes now, Chaeyoung has to pay. – Yes. / – Right. Let’s start. (When the food gets here now, I’m in last place?) Yewon, switch with Chaeyoung. (Me?) (She’s placed in last before the food comes) (Come now, don’t come now) Again. At the end? Who has to move? The center should go to the end. – Jinkyung! / – Hurry! Geez… 5, 6, 7, 8! (Meanwhile) (The Chinese food finally arrives!) (They’re tired from dancing for 5 hours) Good, good. – These two. / – They should switch? – Yes. / – You two switch! – Switch. / – Switch? (Who will be in last?) I don’t get this at all. (Perfect timing!) (Fine… Let’s just eat since we’re hungry) Where’s my purse? (Time for the Unnies to eat Chinese food!) – Thanks for lunch, Jinkyung. / – Sure, Sook. Thank you for lunch. Thank you for the food. (Looks delicious) Can you give me some of the rice omelet? Just take it. (Nom) (Slurp) (Inhaling) Ever seen a girl group like this? Girl groups aren’t good from the beginning. But we’re really bad. No, I’ve worked with someone really bad. Worse at dancing that 5th, 6th and 7th? As good as 5th, 6th and 7th. (Nobody worse than us though) I got so angry that I threw my shoe. – The entire group or one person? / – One person. A girl or guy? But for groups JYP usually… – Huh? / – She’s here to eavesdrop. She ended up a really good dancer. Why did you throw your shoe? It’s not like this is easy. Well… I’ve thrown my shoe at many others. Will we get hit by a shoe? You won’t hit us, right? (I don’t plan before throwing them) – It’s kind of… / – Yewon… – I made this for you. / – What is it? What is it? What is it? A birthday present. I couldn’t give it to her that day because it was being made. I didn’t get you a gift last time. – Show it off. / – So pretty! – What is it? / – I just… Wow! What is this? You made it yourself? I made this with leather. You made this? – Amazing. / – It says my name here. Kang Yewon. – Look. / – It’s so pretty! From Somi. You can’t put a price on that. Yewon, you always carry a pouch around. You can use this. Thank you so much. So sweet… That’s our Somi. (There’s another aspect of making a great team) We’re dividing vocal parts? (Match the parts with the members they best suit) (According to how the parts are split…) (The center dancer positioning changes) (The one who gets camera close-ups also change) I feel like a fish in water. That’s my part. – I have no water. / – We should compete over this. Gosh, I’m nervous. Hold on. Can I try that part again? (What will be the outcome of the part war?) (The day of part division, recording studio) (The members continue memorizing the song) Aren’t the lyrics for verses 1 and 2 super confusing? I feel like I met myself. I feel like a fish in water. Being with Sook confuses me more. Hey, someone brought a cello. Isn’t the case pretty? What is that? – Hey! Whose is this? / – Pretty, right? – It’s Hyungsuk’s. / – Maybe it’s Hyungsuk’s. So he bought some equipment. First place should ask for this. What? For us too. They’ll make it into a speaker if you don’t want to throw it out. They’ll make old junk into speakers? That wasn’t originally a speaker? Let’s say you have a rice cooker you don’t want to throw out, it’s memorable for you so they’ll make it into a speaker. – That’s great. / – Awesome. – But… / – That’s so cool! – Yeah. / – Can we hear it? Yeah. It’s Bluetooth too? (It really works!) It sounds good. This is nice! (Hyungsuk’s one of a kind speaker) (Wow) – I want that. / – It sounds very loud. Can you make one for us too? I didn’t make that. Yeah, it’s not like he made it. I’ll each give you one as a gift. Wow! Bring your favorite object next time. – Wow. / – I’ll get them made. – Why did you become so generous? / – So cool. Because this is when the hardships really start. Things have been pretty easy so far. I told you to memorize the entire song… – So we can split up the parts. / – Yes. Two people will come in and listen to each of you. Someone’s here… – Hello. / – Hello. (Mr. Serious, Jang Jinyoung) (And?) We’re all nervous now. Hello. – From the meeting. / – He was in the meeting. Right.

TVF Bachelors | S02E01 – Bachelors vs Jobs


It’s the final round of the 125th
IT Musical Chair Competition. With the open space in the office filled
with useless employees. The audience look happy about not
working today. But it’s also a tense moment of people
thinking their pay will get cut. Playing from our company,
is everyone’s favorite, Mr. Jeetendra Kumar! Playing from our company,
AYS Sales Corporation, is the the 124 times winner,
the dangerous Ms. Victoria! Doesn’t matter!
Doesn’t matter! ‘Cause we will be the winners. And remember that the winner gets… There’s nothing to think about there… -The first prize!
-And maybe some french fries! The old lady taking slow steps ahead. And Jeetu, goes ahead and runs
super fast. He’s left Victoria behind. He’s ahead!
That’s such good performance! Oh man! He’s stuck behind Victoria again! Can someone explain to this fool
that this isn’t a 100 mtr race, but it’s musical chairs. Stop the music!
Stop the music! The old lady Victoria, has won! Bloody Jeetu has ruined an already
dying company. Freakin’ idiot! What has this company not given you? A second-hand PC, a work
from home option on Sundays. -A return ticket to the US.
-Return ticket? Sir, I’ve never been to the US. Doesn’t matter!
Doesn’t matter! What will I do with these second prizes?
What will I do? You let us all down! Guys like you should be fired
the second we get our funding. Bloody traitor!
Out! Get out! I said out! I said out! Sir, the belt is mine. Doesn’t matter!
Doesn’t matter! You’re fired!
Out! If you’d put your ass on that chair,
it wouldn’t have been kicked today. -Excuse me.
-Your pants are going to come off, dude. Excuse me. Someone said that Victoria
and you are friends on Facebook. No comments. Listen, did you intentionally
lose this match or did the old woman play some
senior citizen card on you? No comments. -Tell us your Victoria’s secrets.
-No comments. When are you returning my hard disk? No comments. -Asshole!
-What’d you say? -Speak up!
-Asshole! Is he a traitor? Show him to me. Dad, it takes a little time
to gain success… You useless guys can’t do a thing. You know, even the correspondence guys
from their batch have got jobs. Their old roommate- BB. He’s gotten famous
and is touring India. And what do these guys have? Neither do they have qualifying percents,
nor a start-up idea. To top that off, he’s born so ugle. If they had good looks,
they could’ve trapped a rich girl. They only have their virginity saved
in the place of savings. Let it go, mister.
They’re just kids. Son, have more roti(Indian flat bread). -Yes, mom.
-First earn for it. Want more food after you do that! Mister, why don’t you say something,
I mean, sing? What’s wrong, daddy? You nut, come back to Pakistan.
– But, daddy… Hold on! Sir, madam, teacher. -I’ll get these three a job?
-You? Didn’t your company kick you out? No, I mean…. -You’ll get these fools a job?
– I need fool likes these. Just give me a month’s time. After that I’ll get them a job in the same
company that kicked me out. And I’ll get them such a great package,
where they’ll have to pay tax. Mister, say something, will you? See you guys, in the field, 5 am. 9 am. Okay, 2 pm it is. I want everyone on the field. I won’t waste time in telling
y’all my name ’cause I’ve been living with you
for the past 2 months. But remember this, you can get lucky
with a chic but not with a job. But don’t worry,
I’ll train you. So everyone will come ahead
and introduce themselves. Come on, let’s start with you. -Shivshraddha Kapoor, Mechanical.
-Again. -Are you deaf?
-I’m not deaf, but, some water went into my ears
in the shower, so again! -Shivshraddha Kapoor, Mechanical.
-Out! Next! Jasmeet Singh Lahori, Metallurgy. Out, next! Badri Hooda, B.Tech Engineer. Badri Hooda, B.Tech Engineer. -Say it out loud.
-Praise God! I’m not listening. Is there anyone else here from
CS, Civil or Industrial design? Understand something well! I don’t hear or see the branches
of male porn stars. I only hear one thing- Engineer. E-N-G-… Engineer. 10 minutes!
You have 10 minutes. Make me some lemonade!
Come on, everybody! I have a bad hangover!
Come on! You, you, you! Go get some lemonade. Quick! Everybody!
Quick! Open Word, write some lies
and upload your resume. Type, type, type!
Faster, faster, faster! Fast! Hey! You don’t have to lie
about your name! Tell me, tell me something
about yourself. Hello, sir. I’m Shivshraddha Kapoor.
B.Tech Engineer. You fool! You have to mention
you branch in an interview. Because Bola can hear and see
the names of a branch. So tell me…
Hey! Stop! Let me have one, man. Only a boss can eat biscuits
at an interview. And the boss at this interview, is me! Aren’t your hands working?
Faster! Fast! Fast! And press Ctrl+S, they file
will automatically get saved. Uh, sir, the code is ready. If you keep doing this always,
the company will kick you out in a month! Give your boss fake compliments. If someone say 1 thing,
you say 2. If someone says 2, you say 4 and do it
till the boss is impressed! Because you can’t survive without
licking asses! Hey boy!
Lick my ass! Sir, you’re wearing such a cool shirt! What an over coat!
You look like Sherlock, sir. Sir, you should be the PM
of the country not just boss here. Where do you see yourself
after 5 years? In my early 30s, sir. If you answer like this, you’ll
be jobless even in your late 30s! These are engineers
from a private college? And they want a 9-5 job
in a multinational! Your parents are right. No one can give you fools a job! What are you looking at? He’s just
nervous, not dead. Take him away! Let’s start again! Com on, everybody! Did you see the result
of pampering a frustrated engineer? He makes you brush your head
even when you don’t have hair! He tells us to lick his ass
to get his work done! Wake up at 2 am, shit fast, and
if we make a mistake we don’t a cigarette. He smokes the entire box! There won’t be any practice here
from tomorrow. Did you hear me?
There won’t be any practice! It’s 3 in the evening. Why are y’all at your desk?
What’s the problem? Where’s my coffee? And why aren’t you in formals? It’s not our age to work hard any more.
Those days are in our past. The team doesn’t want
to learn from you. Here’s the paper.
We resign! We’ve signed it.
You write the rest. ‘Cause we don’t know what to write
in a resignation letter. But I’m sure you’d know. -Didn’t your company kick you…
-I’ll thrash you! You assholes!
Good job! Good job! You didn’t even get a job,
but y’all learnt to resign. I thought I could get you jobs at Bola’s
company and get my lunch box back. The one I left in my desk drawer. Okay, you’ve already made a decision. There won’t be any practice here
from today. ‘Cause I’m sure y’all will get jobs. This baldy will be a B-grade villain
in a C-grade movie, this fatso will be the before in a fitness
ads’ ‘before and after’, and this guy will sell coke
outside some coke studio. And as far as I’m concerned… As far as I’m concerned… I’ll be a credit card guy
and worry that Bola. Resign? What’s new in what he’s saying?
My dad says this every day! But one bachelor told another bachelor
for the first time, dude. And a friend as well. Jeetu… Jeetu, please don’t leave. Jeetu, I’m sorry.
I said too much. Yeah, Jeetu. The rent also will get expensive
if we divide it by 3. You fools,
I’m going to give the laundry. -And, we’re ready for our training.
-Yeah! Okay! Wash these clothes. And yes, everyone, get into your formals. Everyone, come on! Fast! Quick!
5 minutes! 5 minutes, everyone. So, you’re going to go with this beard
to an interview? You have no idea how many like you
go there to look for a job. They won’t even remember your face. If you want this job,
make another identity. I just made my aadhar card
and got it linked every where, man. Now? I meant, break the beard. Get your own look.
Come on, you’ll look good. -Why isn’t this project report ready?
-Sir, I’ve mailed it to Jizzy. Sir, I made my changes
and forwarded it to Shiv. Sir, I… Shiv, blame and pass.
Blame and pass. Blame and pass. You have to do this. You’ve to do it
to excel in a corporate. If you don’t understand anything,
blame your boss. Come on, blame me. Don’t wait!
Blame me, come on! Yes, sir. Sir, I mailed it to you
but you didn’t revert back! Very good!
Good job, everyone! Come on, Badri. Don’t pick up
the biscuit till the end of the interview. 20 seconds more.
Come on! It’s happening! Did you get everything?
Do you remember the name? 60 minutes. An IT interview lasts for 60 minutes. This is probably the most special
60 minutes of your life. From the epiglottis. After the interview, you may want
to have a raspberry cheesecake or sugar you may want to listen to Jagit Singh
or Milka Singh when sad, I won’t tell you. But you will tell me what to do
after clearing the interview. ‘Cause I know that in these
60 minutes if you speak some sort of good grammar
and get through this interview, then not just Bola but even God
can’t take this job away from you. I want to say something. Get some eggs from the store
on your way back. We’ll have eggs when you’re back. So every one, come on.
Come on. Give me 10 bucks each. -I want to buy some coconuts.
-Shut up! We’re already so late
’cause of your speech. And no rickshaw guy will take Badri
and us together at this time. So, we… Jizzy and me wanted your bike. -Yeah…
-Okay. Let’s take the bike!
Come on, everybody! Come on! I’ll ride it. -You rode it the last time.
-No, let me ride it. -Jeetu, I’ll ride it.
-Hold on, hold on. You both take a rick.
Badri, get on the bike. -Jeetu, this stopped.
-It didn’t. The i3S technology turns the bike off if it’s on for more
than 5 seconds, fuel savings. And if this happens at a red light, you just press the clutch
and the bike starts. Come on, Badri! And all the best to you two. See you on the field.
Come on, Badri. Rickshaw! What happened?
Why are y’all sad? Don’t tell me you forgot the eggs. I’ve chopped up everything! We got a job! We got a job!
We got a job! Get us some dessert. Don’t tell me you picked up
a biscuit again! You trained me with Parle-G,
but he kept choco cookies there. What could I do?
Would you be able to do it? He’s called me for 2nd round of interview. On Skype, without cookies. But be careful,
even the internet has cookies. We’ll see tomorrow. Sir, I think I’ll be a valuable company… to this ambitious company,
which goes along with my ambition too. So basically ambition, ambitious,
valuable company. So yeah! Good, I’m impressed. Now… I have one last question. He’ll ask about his hobbies now.
No! Probably, sex-life.
Hobbies, sex-life… Hobbies, sex-life…
But this is the last question. Oh God!
He’s going to ask his salary expectation. Are you happy with a 7 lakh package? Fatty, look towards me. He’ll increase the package,
wait. Wait… No, sir.
5 lakhs! You’re hired! You’re hired!
Done! Done! Done! You’re hired! It will be a pleasure working
with you, sir. Thank you! I got a job!
I got a job! Bro, you try it. It’s not a pickle jar, you fool! It’s not going to come off.
They’ve used a permanent marker. We can use kerosene once and try. Bro, this is Jeetu’s lunch box. We even have to steal 3 cups. -You remember, right?
-Yeah, our set will be complete. We can just put a poster over it. Jeetu, I even got your lunch box
from your drawer. When are you going to punish yourself
till, man? It’s time to move on. Get a new look
and look for a job. Come on!
Let’s break the beard. Yeah, let’s break the beard.

While Trump Is Golfing, We’re All Paying To Protect Him


WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO “THE
LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND IT IS– AS YOU CAN TELL, AS
YOU CAN TELL BY THIS CROWD, IT IS FRIDAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THAT MEANS– AND IF TO YOU THAT MEANS BLOWING OFF WORK TO
CHILLAX WITH YOUR BUDS, THEN YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT LAST YEAR,
TRUMP SPENT ONE OF EVERY FIVE DAYS AT ONE OF HIS GOLF CLUBS. AND, REMEMBER, WHEN TRUMP IS
GOLFING, WE’RE PAYING FOR IT. AND WE MIGHT NOT KNOW THE FULL
COST FOR A WHILE, THANKS TO TREASURY SECRETARY AND KID ON
“BRING YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY” WATCHING HIS DAD GET CHEWED OUT
BY THE BOSS, STEVE MNUCHIN. MNUCHIN IS TRYING TO HIDE HOW
MUCH TAXPAYERS HAVE SPENT SENDING TRUMP ON HIS GOLF
OUTINGS. HE WANTS TO DELAY DISCLOSURE OF
SECRET SERVICE SPENDING ON PRESIDENTIAL TRAVEL UNTIL AFTER
THE 2020 ELECTION.>>Audience: OOOOH!>>Stephen: NOT TELLING US
THAT TILL AFTER WE VOTE IS LIKE SHARING YOUR S.T.D. HISTORY WITH
YOUR PARTNER AFTER YOU HAVE SEX. “NO, NO, NO, NO. IT’S COOL, BABE. THAT TINGLING SENSATION MEANS
THE SEX IS WORKING. AND IT’S NEVER GOING TO STOP
WORKING, BABY.” WE DO KNOW THE SECRET SERVICE
BILL IS GOING TO BE PRETTY BIG. FOR EXAMPLE, WE SPENT
$96 MILLION ON BARACK OBAMA OVER EIGHT YEARS. BUT IN 2017, WE SPENT
$13.6 MILLION ON TRUMP IN JUST ONE MONTH. AND OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS,
WE’VE SPENT $588,000 ON SECRET SERVICE GOLF CARTS ALONE. THAT’S A LOT, BUT GOLF CARTS ARE
CRITICAL SECURITY VEHICLES. THEY CAN BE OVERTAKEN ONLY IF
THE TERRORISTS DISCOVER “WALKING BRISKLY.”( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT. NOW–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
BUT WE’RE NOT JUST PAYING FOR TRUMP. WE’RE ALSO COVERING THE COSTS OF
ALL THE LITTLE TRUMPLINGS. FOR INSTANCE, A FEW YEARS BACK,
ERIC TRUMP’S VISIT TO A TRUMP BUILDING IN URUGUAY COST
TAXPAYERS $97,000. SO WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IT’S
NOT REALLY YOUR-GUAY. IT’S ALL OF OUR ‘GUAY. MOST OF THAT MONEY WAS SPENT IN
TEACHING ERIC THAT IT’S NOT PRONOUNCED “YOU ARE GAY.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WE’RE ALSO– THAT’S A TWO-FER. THAT’S A TWO-FER. A DOUBLE DIP. WE’RE ALSO LEARNING MORE ABOUT
WHAT WENT ON BEHIND THE SCENES DURING IRAN’S ATTACK ON U.S. MILITARY BASES THIS WEEK. APPARENTLY, THE WHITE HOUSE
RECEIVED AN EARLY-WARNING MESSAGE FROM SPY AGENCIES THAT
OFFICIALS CALL, A “SQUAWK.” NORMALLY, WHEN YOU HEAR A SQUAWK
IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO FEED STEPHEN
MILLER.( LAUGHTER )
AND AS SOON–( APPLAUSE )
AS SOON AS HE GOT THE WARNING, TRUMP DESCENDED SEVERAL FLIGHTS
OF STAIRS TO THE SITUATION ROOM. WOW. THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE TRUMP. WHAT ON EARTH COULD HAVE
MOTIVATED HIM TO SHAMBLE DOWN SEVERAL FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO
THE SITUATION ROOM? AND THERE WERE SANDWICHES PILED
ON A SIDEBOARD IN THE ROOM.( LAUGHTER )
( AS TRUMP )
“GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE INCOMING
BALLISTIC HOAGIES. ALERT COLONEL MUSTARD AT
STRATEGIC SAUCE COMMAND.” IT’S ALSO BEEN REVEALED THAT THE
NIGHT OF THE AIR STRIKE AGAINST SOLEIMANI, TRUMP WAS PULLED
AWAY FROM HIS DINNER OF MEATLOAF AND ICE CREAM. THOUGH, THAT COULD BE A
MISPRINT. IT’S POSSIBLE IT WAS ICE CREAM
WITH MEATLOAF. TRUMP’S INTERNATIONAL WHOOPSIES
HAVEN’T BEEN HELPING HIS REPUTATION. ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL FROM THE
PEW RESEARCH CENTER, 64% OF PEOPLE WORLDWIDE SAID THEY DID
NOT HAVE CONFIDENCE IN PRESIDENT TRUMP. IN FACT, FOREIGNERS TRUST HIM
LESS THAN ANGELA MERKEL, EMMANUEL MACRON, XI JINPING,
AND VLADIMIR PUTIN. BUT, HEY, HE IS STILL POLLING
AHEAD OF JEFFREY DAHMER, HARVEY WEINSTEIN, AND ONE OF THE
MENENDEZ BROTHERS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
NOW, WHICH ONE, LYLE? LYLE. HE’S AHEAD OF LYLE. WHAT’S THE OTHER ONE, TREVOR? ONE COUNTRY WHERE THE PRESIDENT
IS AS POPULAR AS A PINE CONE SUPPOSITORY IS SLOVENIA, WHERE
VANDALS BURNED A WOODEN STATUE OF HIM. POLICE ARE STILL INVESTIGATING
AND THEY HAVE RELEASED THIS SECURITY FOOTAGE OF THE
SLOVENIAN WOMAN THEY BELIEVE IS BEHIND THE ATTACK