The Best of Meredith Palmer – The Office (Digital Exclusive)


-Hey, Meredith, can I talk to
you privately for a second? -About what?
-Your outfit. -Why? What’s wrong with my
outfit? -You, you might consider pulling
it down a touch. It’s riding up a little high.
-You’re a bunch of prudes. You know, Oscar’s allowed to
wear sandals, but I’m not… -[ Gasping ]
-…allowed to wear open-toed shoes?
Is that how it goes? -Meredith, your boob is out.
-Fine. -Oh, no!
-Uh. -Too far, Meredith, too far!
-Damn it, Meredith! Where are your panties?!
-It’s casual day. -Happy?
-[ Various gasps ] -No, no.
-Oh, no. -Toby.
-Toby! -Agh. -I knew something bad was gonna
happen today. -You said that yesterday.
-Yeah, my neighbor got murdered. Oh, I’m excited.
Today is beach day. Michael is taking the whole
office to the beach, so I’m wearing my bathing suit
underneath my shirt. Oh, yeah.
I packed it in my purse. -Who wants a drink?
-Me. Please. -Go! Here we go. -The deal is this is my last
hurrah, ’cause I made
a New Year’s Resolution that I’m not gonna drink anymore
during the week. -Meredith, you slept with so
many guys, you’re starting to
look like one. Boom! Roasted. This is equal parts scotch,
absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec,
and two packs of Splenda. I call it a “One of Everything.” -Oh, my God! [ Laughs ]
Hit me again! -Alright. One more time
around the block. -I like her nails.
-Okay, be more specific. -I like her fingernails.
-I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience,
guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front. -Ooh!
-She’s burning. -Oh, oh, oh, oh!
-Oh, my God! -Oh, way, way, way.
-Oh, we’ve got a live one! On fire!
-[ Meredith screams ] ♪♪ I’m alright. I’m alright. -Okay, everybody,
slight change of plans. We are still going to be having
two parties, but each is going to get a
little extra dose of naugh-tay. Ugh!
-[ Laughs ] Alright. Unh! -Okay.
-What? -Okay. Coed naked strippers
in this office for realsies. -Under no circumstance should a
man strip off his clothes in this office.
-Shut up, Angela! I don’t mind telling you that I
have an addiction. I do. To porn.
-[ All but Meredith groan ] [ Heavy breathing ] -Magic time. Gah! -[ Screaming ] Aah! My head! Get it off!
Get it off me! [ Screams ] Get off me!
Get off me! -Hold still, woman!
-Get it off! -I got you. I got you.
-Get it off! [ Screams ] [ Stops screaming, pants ]
[ Garbage bag rustles ] -You’re welcome. -Guess what?
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
-Mm, they’re from Bob again. -It’s great. -So, what weapon?
-My bare hands. -That is stupid.
I will use a sword and I will cut off
your bare hands. -Then I’ll get something, too.
-I’ve had two men fight over me before. Usually it’s over which one gets
to hold the camcorder. [ Thud ] [ Lit snaps on ] -Sha-boom!
How do you like me now? -Oh, wow.
-Oh, my God. -Take a picture,
it’ll last longer. -We don’t want it to last
longer, it’s horrible. -Of all people that make me
sick. -Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on
Meredith. But I’m the only one
with the balls to show them lice who’s boss. Hey, so that good-looking single
brother of yours, heard he was in a downward
spiral with booze. -Yeah, he’s in rehab actually.
-Which place? The one right near Philly?
I could be there in an hour. -No, it’s in New Mexico.
-Oh. So, how are you holding up?
-We’re done, Meredith. -Right.
-I feel very blessed. [ Tires screech, metallic thud ]
Gah! [ Thuds ] -I’m excited about doing the ad,
but I’m not really used to doing videos
with so many people around. -Man, he’s really
in twinkle town now. -Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren’t those darts
intended for an animal, like two to three times
larger than him? -Okay, this dosage was meant for
a very small bull, and Stanley’s got way more body
fat than they do. -You gave him three shots.
-Shh. We’ve got about 45 minutes.
-Meredith? If you don’t come to my party,
you will be very, very sorry. -Is that a threat?
-No, it’s an invitation. -We have vodka.
-Lots of it. -Michael.
-Uh. -You ran over me with your car.
[ Rimshot ] You posted a picture of my bare
boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said gross.
-Well. -Michael,
you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to
forget. [ Imitates gunshots ]
[ Applause ] -Oscar, Oscar, good!
Listen, hey, come with me. -What?
-Come, come with me. -What are you doing?
-There are a bunch of construction workers in the
warehouse without their trousers drinking diet sodas,
you have got to see this. They’re extraordinary.
-Yahtzee. -Gosh, I’ve never seen this
place in the daylight. -This reminds me of Katrina.
-There we go. Alright. Think we got it? Set? Hello?
[ Raps on door ] Oh.
-Guess I’m busted. Walk of shame.
-Do you usually leave your door unlocked
and ajar? -Agh! Nice!
I got a Dundee nomination? -Yes. That’s right.
-Yes you did. -Wow!
-No big deal. -Congratulations, Meredith.
-Alright. Well, we should head out.
-No, no, no! You gotta stay! No, no, no. I have Vienna
sausages and I have napkins. And let me get you breakfast.
-I’m not going in there. [ Door creaks ]
-Go. -Don’t fall
in love with me again. -That was weird.
-No, it ain’t. We all saw the Valentine
you gave her. -I don’t even know
what that card said. -Believe me, if I got that card,
we’d be in the bathroom doing it right now.
-Ugh. -Hey! There he is.
-Hey, Meredith, how you feeling? -I never thanked you for coming
to the hospital. Oh, please it was my pleasure.
Well, we all came. Well, I really appreciate
you coming. I’m singling you out.
-Ha, ha. -Anyway, I have this Sharpie.
-Uh-huh. -And I was wondering
if you could sign my cast? -Mm-hmm. -Can you write
where I can read it? -Oh, yeah. [ Sharpie scribbles ] -I’ll read this when I get home.
-Alright. -Hey, boom guy.
-Oh, hey Meredith. -When you gonna boom me?
-Uh, listen, they’re cracking down on us
talking to subjects. It’s a lame rule, but, you know,
I want — I’ll see you later. -Got it.
-Okay, big day today. Airing of the documentary.
Who’s excited? -I better come out of this
smelling like a rose. I’ve been on my best behavior
for 9 years. If it wasn’t for the cameras,
I would’ve done some truly vulgar crap. -Hey, Meredith.
Heading over to Poor Richard’s? -Yep.
-Cool, cool, cool. You need a ride?
[ Sighs ] [ Inhales sharply, sighs ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ] Alright. Let’s head out.
Sounds good. Do you have a coat? -Yeah.
-Hngh. Hey.

Dwight’s Fire Drill – The Office


[ Telephone rings in distance ] [ Lock clicks ] -Last week,
I gave a fire-safety talk… [ Clears throat, key clangs ] …and nobody
paid any attention. It’s my own fault
for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn
in lots of different ways, but experience
is the best teacher. Today,
smoking is gonna save lives. [ Door closes ] Does anyone
smell anything smoky? -Did you
bring your jerky in again? [ Clears throat loudly ] -Oh, my God!
Uh, oh, my God! -Fire!
-Oh! Fire?! Oh, my goodness!
What’s the procedure? What do we do, people?
-The phones are dead. -Oh, how did that happen? -It’s out in the hall.
-No, we don’t know that. The smoke could be coming
through an air duct. -Oh, my God!
Okay, it’s happening. Everybody stay calm.
-What’s the procedure, everyone? What’s the procedure? -Stay [bleep] calm!
-Wait, wait, wait! -Everybody
just [bleep] calm down! -No! No, Michael, no!
Touch the handle. If it’s hot, there could be
a fire in the hallway. -What does warm mean? -Oh, my gosh.
Try a different door. -Not a viable option.
What next? -Don’t run!
-Try the other door. -Oh, here’s a door.
Check that one out. How’s the handle?
-I-It’s warm. -Okay, go to the back door.
-Well, another option. Another op-tion!
Geez! Okay, settle down, everyone!
No bunching. -Oh, I forgot my purse.
-Leave it, woman! -Get out of the way.
Go, go, go! -Things can be replaced,
Phyllis. People — human lives —
however, can — -[ Groans ] -Aah! My hand!
That’s hot! -Aah!
This one’s hot, too! -Okay, we’re trapped.
Everyone for himself! -Okay.
-Let’s go! -Get out of my way!
-Let’s go! -Get out of my way.
-Okay, okay! Calm, please.
-Get out of the way! -Have you ever seen
a burn victim? -Move it!
-Okay! Procedure, procedure.
Exit options. Where do we go, folks?
-It’s okay. [ Cat meows ]
-Use a what to cover the mouth? A what?
A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let’s remember those procedures.
What are the options? Okay, that’s a wrong way.
We’ve already tried that. Remember your exit points.
Exit points, people. -Oscar.
-What’s next, huh? -Oscar!
-Stay alive! I’m getting help! -Pull me up!
-You’re too heavy! -I only weigh 82 pounds.
[ Cat growls ] Save Bandit!
[ Cat meows ] [ Banging, cat yowls ] -How about 911?
Anyone? 911. [ Glass shatters ] [ Banging, glass shatters ] -[ Coughing ]
-What do we do? -Use the surge
of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making. Okay, I am not dying here.
Come on. -[ Coughing ]
[ Firecrackers popping ] -Oh! What is that?!
What is that?! -The fire’s shooting at us! -What in the name of God
is going on?! [ Coughing ]
[ Fire alarm ringing ] -Grab it.
-Battering ram! -Aah!
-Go, go, go, go, go! Aah!
[ Crashing ] -Aah! [ Glass shatters ] -Help!
Help! -Oh, my God!
[ Crashing ] [ Air horn blares ] -Attention! Employees of Dunder-Mifflin, this has been a test
of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire.
It was only a simulation. -What?!
-Fire not real. This was merely
a training exercise. [ Crashing ] So, what have we learned? Oh, come on.
It’s not real, Stanley. -Oh, my God.
-Don’t have a heart attack. -No, no, no, no, no!
You will not die. Stanley! Stanley!
You will not die! Stanley!
Stanley! Barack is president!
You are black, Stanley! I’m gonna give him
mouth-to-mouth. -No, no, no. Don’t give him
mouth-to-mouth for this. -He’s gonna swallow his tongue.
Open your mouth. -Michael. Michael. -Don’t swallow it!
I’m fine! Leave me — -[ Grunts ]
-I’m saving him!

Eight Times Dwight Got Revenge on Jim – The Office (Mashup)


-I’m sorry, Mr. Decker,
I think — I think I’m lo–
I think I’m losing you. Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one sec–
I don’t know. Hold on one second. Do you really have to do that
right now? -Yes. I do. I should’ve done this
weeks ago, actually. -Mr. Decker.
I’m sorry about that. What were you– Can you hold on
one second? Yeah, just one second. [ Shredder powers down ] Hello? That’s it. Perfect. So, what I was saying — Hello? -Thanks, Dwight. -Whoa! And he just goes, “Boom!”
Goal! -That’s Pele.
-You know your soccer, man. -I prefer Maradona. Uh…Diego Maradona. -Oh yeah?
-From Argentina. -I didn’t know we had so many
soccer fans in the office. -I mean, to be fair,
I was the first one to talk about it, but… -What about you, Jim?
You a fan of the game? -Oh, no. Nope.
Not really. -It’s not for everybody,
I suppose. -[ Laughs] -It’s ’cause I’m
more of a player. -Yeah?
-You bet. -Really, Jim? I had no idea
you played soccer, ’cause you never,
ever talk about it. -Well, I do.
-Wow.
-I play. -You can be
so modest sometimes. -Well, maybe you should
get back to work. -Maybe you and Charles should
kick the soccer ball around. -Maybe we will someday. -Maybe you will tonight
after work. What do you say? -That’s a great idea, Dwight. -Great ideas are just part
of what I bring to the table. I don’t try and be
anything that I’m not. -What do you say, Jim? Huh?
Want to play some soccer? -Jim, what do you say?
-I’m in it to win. -Game on!
-Okay. See you on the field,
there, bro. -See you. -I can’t wait! -Get him, Jim!
Come on, tough D, Jim. -Oh, my God!
Oh, wow. -Jim, what the…? -Phyllis, are you okay?
Are you okay? -No. I swallowed a crown. -Why’d you duck, Jim?
-What? -Yeah, Jim. Why would an
experienced soccer player like yourself duck
at the very last moment? -Okay, I’m just gonna go
get some ice. -Does that make you
feel better? Huh? -I’m sorry, Phyllis. -Oh, yeah. Jim’s sorry. -Hey, Jimmy, what’s up? -Not much.
-Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried,
you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office.
-[ Laughs ] Thanks, Dwight. -That laugh
is so infectious. -You’re creeping me out.
I’m gonna go. -I didn’t mean any of those
things I just said — and you can expect the same
from everyone in this office if you don’t nip this whole
Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work. -Let me guess, you think
you should get it. -This encompasses
all available data — hours, tardiness, unconfirmed
sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned
a random number for total fairness
and transparency. -I’m gonna run this
by Toby and Accounting, and have them
assemble the data. -That’s okay.
I’ll do it. -And the winner is… employee number nine. And that is? -Number nine. Number nine… Jim Halpert.
-What? -Huh?
-What? -Are you kidding me?
-Oh, no! -Okay, wait, I was not…
I did not… -I…I…I did not…
That was not…How come not? -Guys, listen.
This was anonymous, alright? There is no way I could’ve
given it to myself, because I didn’t even know
who was on here. I just gave it to the employee
with the highest overall score. -To my tally, you just won back
your own parking spot, a vacation day, and a nice tidy
quarter of $1,000 from all of us. [ Indistinct shouting ] -[Whispering] Hey.
-It’s a miracle. She loves him. -I don’t know about “love.” -She loves me. -Outside, my car,
two minutes. -Well, something’s come up.
I have to go. -No, no, no, no, no.
She’ll wake up. -I have something to do.
-I know what you have to do. Please stay with Cece. -I will require beer and pizza
to think this over. -Absolutely.
-From Jim. -I don’t think that’s gonna —
-Do it. -What kind of pizza
would you like? -Surprise me. No. Pepperoni. -Insert it in my mouth. -That’s not gonna make
your pizza-eating experience any better. Trust me.
-Oh, try me. -Jim, just don’t
think of it as degrading. Think of it as
you happen to be moving the pizza 6 inches his way,
and he happens to be biting it. -I’d prefer for him to
think of it as degrading. Crust first. Okay. Now, the beer. Beer me, Jim. -Gentle. -That’s perfect. -If we can get him
to drive to Connecticut, and put peroxide in his hair…
-What the hell is this? What are you, trying to cop a
feel or something, Halpert? -Dude, no.
-Hey! Hey! -Listen. Whoa.
-Come on. -God, I don’t even — I don’t
even know how to explain this. Um, uh, Dwight, asked me to
be in an alliance. And then, um…um…we were… we’ve just been
messing with him, uh, because of
the whole alliance thing. -It’s just office pranks.
-It’s stupid. It’s just office pranks.
-An alliance? What the hell is he
talking about? -I have absolutely
no idea. -Come on. -Do I feel bad
about betraying Jim? Not at all. That’s the game — convince him we’re in
an alliance, get some information,
throw him to the wolves. That’s politics, baby — get what you can out of someone,
then crush them. I think Jim might have learned
a very valuable lesson. -Hey, Dwight. [ Everybody “oh”s, laughs ] -Damn it, Jim, you cannot
throw snowballs in here! -Well, it’s not a snowball, ’cause it’s only a dusting,
right? -You apologize to me
right now. -You’ve have something
on your nose. -You apologize right now. -No.
-Very well. Then, I challenge you
to a snowball fight on the first real snow
of winter. -You got it. [ Phone dialing ] [ Phone ringing ]-You’ve reached the voicemail
of Dwight Kurt Schrute.
Please leave —
[ Phone beeps ] -[ Shouts ] [ Continues shouting ] -Stop! Stop! -[ Grunts ] I have no feeling
in my fingers or penis, but I think
it was worth it. [ Yells ] -Um, I was laying on the ground,
defenseless, and, uh, he just kept throwing
them until he exhausted himself. And, uh… [ Cellphone chimes ] “How about icing it?
lol. Dwight.” -What’s going on?
-Nothing. Nothing is going on. Oh, the wires need insulation. It’s a wire people. I’m not buying it
a fur coat. “Statistical correlations
exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards, But mainstream studies
are inconclusive.” -You better fix this.
I already ditched my uterus, and I ain’t losing
any more good parts. -You people don’t realize
what you’re asking. I’d have to rip open
the walls. We’d have to shut this place
down for a week. -Week off.
That’d be great. -Ah. There’s my popcorn.
Can you just grab that for me? -Keep your snacks
on your side, Jim. Idiot. What the…?
-What? Some of these kernels
have crowned. -That’s impossible,
’cause that’s a brand-new bag… Oh, my God. -Andy! -Ladies and gentlemen,
I have heard your complaints, and we reached
a settlement. -So, we will be leaving
the office for one whole week. -Nice job. -In my contract,
it is stipulated that I provide
a temporary work space. It will arrive
in one hour. -What? -What’s this? -Bring it in. Roll into the future
with Work Bus. If you’ve got a parking lot, a work space is just
a phone call away. In this age of belt-tightening
and less-empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow
gets things done. -I need to get to
the paper, please. -Oh, God!
Oh! Oh, my God! -I’ll get you a napkin.
Can someone get napkins, please? -You know what?
It’s fine. It’s fine. Let me just…
It’s fine. -Pam, I’m really sorry. I’m really sorry about…
all that. Really? Smirking? -What can I say?
I love justice. You forced me to spend money
on needless repairs, and, uh, now, you’re locked
in a prison bus, and your woman
drips with beverage. -Alright. I’m gonna speak in a language
you both understand — mo-nay. -What was it?
-What is it? -It’s money. You both have sizable Christmas
bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you
messing with the other, I will give both bonuses
to the other person. -Can’t do that.
-No. Absolutely not. -You need consequences, okay? I want you both
walking on eggshells. -Uh, yeah. I just got
my replacement credit card. You want the number?
Oh, it’s, uh, 479300323313. The security code is 927. Okay, great.
Thank you very much. Bye. -So, Dwight did
take the bait. He used my
credit-card numbers to send a $200
bouquet of flowers… to my wife… from me. -[ Laughs ]