(cheering) – [Announcer] Keep it
going for Anthony DeVito, let him hear it! (cheering) – [Anthony] Thank you. Thank you very much. (light laughter) Racism will die out eventually. Just everybody’s having
sex with everybody. So more and more
races are mixing. In a hundred years, racists
are gonna have to be so specific, they’re
gonna have to be like, “These goddamn
quarter-Mexican, half-Jew, “quarter-Koreans are
ruining this country “with their taco
bank laundromats.” (laughter) I don’t understand (muffled)
people could be homophobic. Man, one of the funniest
things that I’ve ever heard told to me by a
black, flamboyant, over-the-top, gay coworker. We’re talking once,
it was just freezing. I was making conversation, I
was like, “It’s cold in here.” He goes, “Cold? Uh-uh, it’s
chilly willy penguin bones “up in here.” (laughter) “Huh, how are you
not a weatherman?” Oh my God. (laughter) “You just described
the room temperature “with a great idea for
a children’s book.” (laughter) (applause)
– SO YOU GOT TO KEEP
THE TOPPINGS FULL. – OKAY, GOT IT.
I’M ON TOP OF THAT. – YOU GONNA FIT IN
JUST FINE HERE. HEY, SOMEDAY… THAT MIGHT BE YOUR PICTURE
ON THE WALL. – OH, EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR. WHEN DOES SHE WORK? – WHAT? – I WAS JUST WONDERING
WHEN SHE WORKS. – GIRL, IT’S ME. – OH… CONGRATS. – NOW, HERE’S THE BEST PART
ABOUT WORKING AT A YOGURT SHOP, IS YOU GET
ALL THE FREE FROYO YOU WANT. MM-HMM. AND YOU CAN’T BELIEVE
HOW DELICIOUS IT IS AND ALSO FAT FREE. THANK GOD,
BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND– HE JUST GOT BACK
FROM HIS TOUR IN AFGHANISTAN, AND HE’S COMING HERE
TO PICK ME UP. HE SHOULD BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN A YEAR. – A WHOLE YEAR, YOU SAY. – MM-HMM. HAVE SOME. – I’M GOOD. – NOW, IF YOU NEED A EXTRA SHIRT
OR ANYTHING, THEY GONNA BE IN THERE,
BECAUSE THESE SEEM TO SHRINK. – UH-HUH.
– OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, GIRL? I CAN’T GET ENOUGH
OF THIS STUFF. I MEAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME.
IT’S FREE. – NO, I’M OKAY.
I’M–I’LL HAVE SOME LATER. – COME ON, GIRL, IT’S FAT FREE. – HI. I JUST GOT BACK
FROM AFGHANISTAN. I’M HERE LOOKING
FOR MY GIRLFRIEND, LATIA. – AAH! BABY! BABY, WHAT–WHAT?
IT’S ME. – NO, IT’S NOT. – WHAT? IT’S ME. – APPARENTLY SHE DOESN’T WORK
HERE ANYMORE. THANKS. – WHAT? OH, MY GOD!
HE’S LEAVING ME! DESMONA, IS HE LEAVING ME?
DESMONA, WHY WOULD HE LEAVE ME? WHAT–WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD
THERE BE FOR HIM LEAVING ME? FOR HIM LEAVING ME? – MAYBE HE–
MAYBE HE GOT THAT PSD. PSD. – WHAT? OH, YOU MEAN THE PTSDs?
– THE PTSDs. – YOU MEAN THE POST-TRAUMATIC
STRESS DISORDER. [crying]
IT’S GOT TO BE THAT. OH, MY GOD!
MY BABY GOT THE PTSD! MY BABY GOT THE PTSD! THAT COULD BE THE ONLY REASON! OH, MY BABY! MY POOR, POOR BABY
GOT THE PTSDs! OH, MY BABY! [wailing]
Work is an integeral part
of the American identity. When you meet
someone at a party, the first question is always,
“What do you do?” I used to lie to people
when I was younger ’cause I didn’t want
people to know that
I was an amateur comedian, so I’d tell them that I was
a giraffe keeper at the zoo. Did you know that the
giraffe tongue is so strong, it can actually tear
the flesh off the human body? That’s why there’s
no lesbian giraffes. Also, they don’t make sensible
pants for four legs. So why is America
so focused on work, and does that focus on work…
work? Let’s find out in our segment “America,
You’re Doing It Wrong.” We’re not doing songs a–?
Okay. Uh, the country’s obsession
with hard work dates back to these Bible-thumping
buckle-headed [bleep] who invented the
Protestant work ethic. Why is it called a work ethic? Work isn’t inherently ethical. You can be a very hardworking
human trafficker, and no one’s going to say,
“Gotta hand it to Nikola. Up at the crack of dawn
every morning stuffing young women
into shipping containers. Ah, you think they’re
not gonna get in, but he always makes them fit. He has good ethics.” But hard work just for the sake
of working hard is stupid. You know we’re all dead
at the end of this, right? And it’s not like hard work
is quality work. Woman: Compared to other
highly industrialized nations, the United States has one of the
longest average workweeks. According to several studies,
increased work hours tend to have an adverse effect
on productivity. If you work less,
you’ll be more productive. I’ve been trying to tell that
to Comedy Central, but they say they don’t have
monthly shows. The 40-hour workweek
is making us less productive and it’s ruining
our personal lives. Woman: The average American
age 25 to 54 with at least one child spends nearly nine hours a day
engaged in work, less than 3 hours for leisure, and a pathetic 1.2
caring for others. Perhaps the most stunning part of our insanely intense
work culture is that this country
does not require companies to offer parental leave. Parental leave in the U.S.
is so bad, they’ve stopped doing
Lamaze classes and just started to teach women
how to not let contractions disrupt their presentation. “And as you can see,
we’re doing much better in the fo-OOURRTH quart– Ahh…ahh…ah.” Obviously, that’s a joke. In my experience,
childbirth is easy. [ Laughter ] America, you’re doing it wrong. It’s time to rethink
the way we work, because happy workers
are better workers. And companies around the world are experimenting
with a four-day workweek. At a New Zealand based
financial-services firm called Perpetual Guardian,
starting next month, they will be implementing
a permanent four-day workweek after a successful trial
this past spring. Stress levels during that time
were reduced by 7%. 78% of employees said that they could manage
their work-life balance better, And social-media surfing
dropped by 35%. Okay, okay, I support
a four-day workweek. But a financial-services firm
in New Zealand? How much work
do they really have? They only got about five dollars
in the entire country. It’s just like, “Oh, Kevin’s
got some money, bro.” “Oh, no. I’ve heard that
Dave’s also got some money.” “Oh, we should — we should
put all the pebbles together and put them
in a big heap, bro.” “Oh, I like that, bro. Uh, what is four pebbles
plus four pebbles?” “That would be six, bro. Six.” [ Laughter ] Pebbles are their currency
because they’re inbred. [ Laughter ] The way Americans overwork
themselves is ludicrous. Pretty much every other
industrialized country gives employees
four weeks vacation. Germany has one of
the most generous vacation policies in the world,
and they give up to eight weeks, and they’re the ones
who lost the war. [ Laughter ] Though I’m okay with that,
to be honest, you know? We should encourage
the Germans to stay relaxed. We’ve seen what happens
when they get a little uptight. [ Laughter ] You might say they got
a little bit too much done. I think America should implement
a four-day workweek, but you won’t because it goes
against the American idea that if you’re not
killing yourself at work, you’re doing something wrong. But I have
an alternative suggestion. Just add an extra day
to the end of the week. Then you can work
your precious 40 hours and still get
a three-day weekend. There’d still be
365 days in the year, but since the weeks are longer,
we’d need fewer months. Obviously we’re gonna keep
October and December, because they’ve got
the best holidays. We’ll just get rid of March. [Bleep] March!
Nobody likes March! The — The only good day in
March is St. Patrick’s Day. But here’s the best bit. When it’s an 8-day week,
we’ll make one day every week St. Patrick’s Day,
so you’ll always get it. [ Cheers and applause ] Also, I’m getting rid of
6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m. Instead, 12:00 a.m. to 1:00 a.m.
will now take three hours. That way, you’ll always leave
a party just after midnight. Sure, it will [bleep] over
some shift workers, but you chose to become a nurse. So, there you have it.
Jim’s 8-day week. [ Cheers and applause ] Now that Beatles song
makes sense. “Yellow Submarine.”
-And I’m Jaboukie. And when we’re not on
The Daily Show, -we run a lucrative…
-And unlicensed. -real estate business.
-Oh, yeah. -Straight cash, none
of that Venmo shit. -Mm-mm. WOOD: If you got the cash
and you’re looking for a home, it’s time for you to meet… BOTH:
The Property Brothas. (Wood grunts) Today we’re in Jamaica, Queens to see the childhood home
of Donald Trump. That’s right.
The actual home where our president lived
until age four, is just sitting on the market. While the outside
might not look too Trumpy, the inside is very much… What the (bleep)? YOUNG-WHITE: Hold up.
This is Trump’s house? WOOD:
Uh… No. It’s… Did we use
Apple Maps to get here? Because this might be wrong. J-Dawg, I’m blown away. This house
looks extremely normal. Like, right here. This is not what
you would expect to see -in a house like this.
-YOUNG-WHITE: I was expecting something much longer,
something more of, like, a he’s on this side,
Daddy’s over there. -Very far apart.
Not what I was expecting. WOOD: This 2,500 square foot
Tudor style home comes with four bedrooms
and what we think is real gold. This is actually the only gold
in the entire house right here. How much you think we could get
for this shit? -I’m thinking at least $500.
-Let’s get this. -You want to pop it right now?
-Yeah. (mumbles) Uh, actually,
let’s-let’s hold off on that. Let’s hold. Wait till the… -And on to the next room.
-Yes. -This place is just fine.
-The living room looks like a failed
black sitcom from the ’90s. YOUNG-WHITE:
It’s not Trumpy. It looks Eric Trump at best. No matter how it looks
on the inside, we’ve got to play up
the Trump factor and sell this home to someone -who loves Trump.
-Hates Trump. -Hates Trump.
-Loves Trump. WOOD:
We didn’t have time to argue. We had to show this place
to real couples looking to buy
their first home. -Okay.
-Okay, so, as you can see, it’s a very traditional style. Four bedroom,
great space in the backyard. WOOD: Well, what’s
your first reactions to this? Um, well,
the open space is good. The Trump memorabilia -is definitely bumming me out
a little bit. -It’s everywhere. -Like, Trump is everywhere
in this room. -Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Donald Trump
is definitely not my person. He doesn’t live here anymore. -WOOD: Yeah, this is…
-ELIZABETH: “Anymore”? -“Anymore”? -Well,
this is the childhood home of President Donald Trump. That’s… That’s weird, man.
It’s a little weird -in a… in a bad way.
-It’s a little weird. It can feel anxious at first
because it’s new, it’s big, you’re feeling a lot. But I think there’s a lot
of excitement there that we could really work with. WOOD:
We tried to help these couples picture filling this house
with the love so clearly missing
from Trump’s childhood, but they kept getting hung up
on the little things. Everything about it
makes me uncomfortable. I really don’t like the idea
of living in his house. Who wouldn’t want to live
and raise their children in the same place that a legend
once laid their head, like Elvis at Graceland? Who wouldn’t want to live
at Paisley Park where Prince was? Neverland Ranch. -Mm.
-No? I just want a comfortable home. -Where Donald Trump
hasn’t lived. -Yeah. Come on. I mean,
look at this house as an investment opportunity. You take it, and you turn it
into a Trump museum, and you charge
those mother(bleep) $35 a head. -Wouldn’t you want to get money
from it, man? -Right. I would, but it’s not a priority of having a house
that I would like to live in. I’m with you.
You don’t like Trump. There are other people
who don’t like him, either. You have those people come in,
charge them admission, they get to destroy
a piece of Trump’s childhood. -How about that?
-Wait, you’re talking about turning this
into, like, a rage room -where they can trash it?
-Absolutely. Break a chair, destroy a table, burn a flag, do something. What are you gonna do
after you trash this place? Turn it into a mosque. That way, we can tell Trump,
“Go back to where you came from. Psych, bitch.
It’s a mosque now.” The brothers don’t seem
to be listening to us at all. We’ve told them multiple times
that we don’t want this house. And then one of them
keeps pulling me aside and keeps trying
to sell me gold. How much would you give me
for that? Nothing. It’s real. It’s real what? Gold. (sighs) As is with every episode,
we lost the sale. An even though
we can’t sell the house… We’ll sell as much of it
as we can. Come on! Come on! (cheering and applause)
– WITH OUR SIGN NOW ON DISPLAY,
MY PLAN QUICKLY BEGAN TO WORK, AS PEOPLE STARTED COMING IN THINKING IT WAS
AN ACTUAL STARBUCKS. – OH, DUMB STARBUCKS.
OKAY, OKAY. – OH, YOU THOUGHT
IT WAS STARBUCKS. – I DID. – BUT THE FEW CUSTOMERS WE DID
GET SEEMED TO HAVE TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING WHAT WE WERE
ALL ABOUT. I MEAN, LEGALLY SPEAKING, THIS STORE HAS TO BE CATEGORIZED
AS AN ART GALLERY, SO WE DON’T HAVE TO ABIDE
BY THE SAME HEALTH REGULATIONS AS A STARBUCKS WOULD. I MEAN, WE DON’T WANT ANY OF
OUR CUSTOMERS TO GET SICK. BUT IF THEY DO,
TECHNICALLY, THAT’S PART OF
THE ARTISTIC EXPERIENCE. THINGS WERE OFF
TO AN OKAY START. BUT AS THE DAY PROGRESSED,
I BECAME FRUSTRATED WE WEREN’T GETTING THE AMOUNT
OF CUSTOMERS I EXPECTED. SO I HEADED OUT TO A NEARBY
COFFEE SHOP TO TRY AND SPREAD THE WORD
ABOUT MY NEW BUSINESS. JUST SO YOU KNOW,
THERE’S A DUMB STARBUCKS THAT’S OPENED UP
DOWN THE BLOCK. – OKAY.
– OKAY. IT’S BASICALLY THE SAME COFFEE.
CHEAPER PRICES, AND– – DUMB STARBUCKS?
– YEAH. TODAY, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN HAVE
A FREE COFFEE ON ME. – I UNDERSTAND YOU’RE TRYING
TO PROMOTE YOUR COMPANY. – RIGHT.
– I ADMIRE THAT. BUT THAT’S GREAT.
YOU CAN’T DO IT ON STARBUCKS’ PROPERTY.
– AND I ADMIRE YOU. AND I WILL BE–
– AND EVERY TIME I STEP BACK, YOU KEEP TAKING A STEP FORWARD.
– NO, I HAVEN’T MOVED. – YOU HAVE.
WE STARTED OVER HERE. – NO, WE STARTED RIGHT HERE. – BUT YOU NEED TO WALK THAT WAY.
– OKAY, I WILL. – UNFORTUNATELY, MY MARKETING
EFFORTS WERE CUT SHORT. BUT I WAS AT LEAST ABLE
TO GET SOME FREE SUPPLIES. WITH AN UNDERWHELMING
LAUNCH DAY, I BEGAN TO FEEL LIKE I PUT IN
ALL THIS EFFORT FOR NOTHING. BUT THE NEXT MORNING
THINGS CHANGED. JEREMIAH CALLED ME TO SAY
THERE WAS A LINE OF OVER 15 PEOPLE AT THE STORE. THEN I SAW PHOTOS
OF MY SHOP POSTED ON A STRAIGHT BODY BUILDING
MESSAGE BOARD. BUT I COULDN’T HAVE FORESEEN
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.
– A NEW COFFEE SHOP
WITH A FAMILIAR NAME
CREATING QUITE A STIR
IN LOS ANGELES.
THE COFFEE SHOP–GET THIS–
IS CALLED DUMB STARBUCKS.
– THAT LOOKS EXACTLY
LIKE A STARBUCKS.
THE LOGO, THE LETTERING,
THE GREEN COLORING–
HOW DO THEY GET AWAY
– BECAUSE THEY PUT THE WORD
“DUMB” ON TOP OF STARBUCKS,
SO THEY’RE PARODYING
STARBUCKS. – A COFFEE CHAIN NOTORIOUS
FOR SUING IMITATORS MAY HAVE FINALLY
MET IT’S MATCH. – AT THE COUNTER, CUSTOMERS
CAN ORDER A “DUMB VENTI” OR BUY A CD
OF “DUMB NORAH JONES DUETS.”
– SOME PEOPLE WAITED IN LINE
FOR UP TO AN HOUR.
– IT’S AN ART GALLERY WHERE
COFFEE IS CONSIDERED ART. – WHAT’S THE POINT OF THE ART?
I MEAN, WHAT’S THE MESSAGE?
– I DON’T KNOW.
– [speaking Spanish] – [speaking Korean] – I WAS STUNNED. WE HAD MORE CUSTOMERS
THAN I EVER DREAMED OF. AND WITHIN 24 HOURS,
DUMB STARBUCKS HAD BECOME
A WORLDWIDE SENSATION. – YEAH, THERE’S ABSOLUTELY
ARTISTIC VALUE HERE.
– TO ME, THIS IS A PROTEST.
THIS IS A PROTEST
AGAINST THE BIG FISH.
THE LEVIATHANS OF STARBUCKS.
– IT WAS COOL THAT PEOPLE
COULD DRAW THEIR OWN MEANING
FROM A BUSINESS THAT
WAS JUST THERE TO MAKE MONEY.
– THERE’S A RUMOR
THAT IT MIGHT BE BANKSY
AND WE’RE ALL REALLY EXCITED
ABOUT THAT. – I HAD INADVERTENTLY
CREATED SOMETHING THAT WAS ON PAR WITH ONE OF
THE WORLD’S GREATEST ARTISTS.
– SOMETHING TIED TO AN ART
MAYBE THIS IS BANKSY.
– BEFORE I KNEW IT,
CUPS FROM MY SHOP
WERE SELLING ON EBAY
FOR $500 A PIECE.
AND SWINDLERS WERE EVEN TRYING
TO CASH IN ON THE HYPE
BY HOCKING FAKE MERCHANDISE
OUTSIDE THE STORE.
BY THE END OF THE WEEKEND
I REALIZED THAT DUMB STARBUCKS
WAS A BIGGER IDEA
THAN I EVER THOUGHT IT COULD BE. SO I GATHERED THE WORLDWIDE
MEDIA TO ANNOUNCE THAT WE WERE EXPANDING. [cheers and applause] HI. I’M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE
THAT WE’LL SOON BE OPENING A SECOND DUMB STARBUCKS LOCATION
IN BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, WITHIN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. [cheers and applause] MY BUSINESS WAS NOT ONLY
A BONA FIDE SUCCESS, BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE IT FELT LIKE PEOPLE ACTUALLY
WANTED TO BE AROUND ME. WHATEVER I HAD DONE
RESONATED WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD. AND THE ATTENTION
WAS LIKE SUNLIGHT ON MY SOUL.
MY ENTIRE MARKETING PLAN
DEPENDED ON USING
THEIR CORPORATE LOGO
TO GET ATTENTION.
AND THE ONLY WAY TO LEGALLY DO
IT IS BY USING “DUMB.”
– EVERY MAJOR NETWORK IN AMERICA
WANTED TO KNOW MY STORY. – NATHAN FIELDER. – I WAS INVINCIBLE. AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, THE VIEW
FROM THE TOP WAS PRETTY NICE. WE’RE ALSO FAMOUS
FOR OUR PASTRIES. I BROUGHT YOU SOME, ACTUALLY.
– OH, OKAY. YEAH, GREAT. – I BROUGHT SOME
OF OUR PASTRIES, YEAH. – OH, THOSE LOOK GREAT.
[audience laughs] WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE?
ARE THESE THOSE– – I BROUGHT MUFFINS TOO.
– OH, LOOK AT THAT. – THESE ARE OUR FAMOUS PASTRIES.
– ISN’T THAT WEIRD. IT SAYS VONS ON THE SIDE.
[audience laughs] – I WAS ALL SMILES
AND MY HEAD WAS IN THE CLOUDS. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
Wildfires. As the climate changes
and the land becomes drier, they’re becoming
an even bigger problem, burning down seven million acres in the United States each year. Which is terrible,
because without forests, Don, Jr. would have nowhere
to sit. Now, although wildfires
have recently been on the rise, these blazes have been
a major issue in America for a very long time,
so much so, that the U.S. Forest Service
even created a hero devoted to stopping the fires,
Smokey Bear. You have so many reasons
to protect your forest. Hey, kids.
I’m Smokey Bear. Remember, only you can prevent
forest fires. ♪ My friends depend on me ♪ ♪ Smokey B, to voice a plea. ♪ Buzz, what’s up, man? You left some leaves
burning out here. So the next time
you’re in the forest, be extra careful. Okay? (chuckles)
If you knew it was me, would you have listened? (screaming) What the (bleep) was that? Forget fires. I’m never
gonna be able to trust a beautiful woman ever again. “Say, Trevor, want to go back
to my place?” “Get the hell out of here,
you bear! I’m not falling
for your tricks.” But, yes, for decades, America has tried everything
to prevent wildfires. And in California, they’ve gone way beyond
talking bears. We’re finally learning
some good news about the wildfires
in California. Most of the fires
still considered active are either well under control
or almost out thanks to the thousands
of firefighters who have been battling
the flames alongside hundreds of inmates. You see all the firefighters
in orange? Those are California inmates. The state
has been using prisoners to fight fires
since World War II. Yeah. That is really,
really interesting. Inmates in California
can volunteer to help put out fires that
have gotten out of control. And I-I think it’s great
that these prisoners are willing to help
in a time of need. And just for extra motivation,
I think they should be allowed to bring their squad from prison to hype them up as they fight
the fire, you know. Yeah, they can just be standing
in the back like, “Yo, get his ass, T-bone. “Extinguish this bitch. “Remove either oxygen,
fuel or heat. That’s what you do
to stop a fire.” Now, you would think
any prisoner volunteering for a dangerous job like this would be in it
for some big reward. But it turns out,
that’s not the case. TV REPORTER:
Inmate firefighters get paid an average of two dollars
a day. When they’re battling
live fires, they earn an additional
one dollar per hour. Though they only earn
about a dollar per hour to risk their lives, every day of work
as an inmate firefighter counts as two days
toward their sentence. Wait, hold up. Inmates get two days
off their sentence for every day
they fight the fire? That’s not much of a reduction. Like, if I was an inmate,
I’d just want to keep the fire going. Yeah. (laughter) I’ll just be out there like,
“Oh, no. “I accidentally turned my hose to the ‘spread fire’ setting
again. Oh, darn.” (laughter) And, also, I, like… I don’t care
if they’re prisoners. Getting a few dollars a day
to fight a wildfire is bullshit. Now, while the prisoners
are getting basically nothing for doing a dangerous job,
the state of California saves an estimated
$100 million a year by using inmates
to fight the fires. And what’s extra messed up is that despite fighting fires
year after year while in prison, many of these inmates
aren’t allowed to use any
of that firefighting experience once they’ve served their time. NEWSWOMAN:
Despite their experience, an inmate firefighter
may find it tough to land a full-time job after they complete
their sentence. (reading): When they leave that service,
they are told they will never, ever be allowed to be a firefighter. Okay, you got to admit,
that’s just shitty. You fight fires in prison,
but then when you’re released, you’re not allowed
to do it professionally? So, basically, if you’re
an ex-con walking around and you see a fire, what? You have to commit a crime
before they’ll let you help? Just like, “Oh, no,
that orphanage is on fire. Quick, help me rob this bank!” So the question is
should prison firefighters be allowed to enter the noble
profession of firefighting after they’ve served their time? Well, to give us
some expert perspective, we’re joined by the most noble
firefighter of all. Smokey the Bear, everybody. (cheering and applause) Smokey… where do you stand on the issue of ex-cons working
as firefighters? First of all, Trevor, thanks for inviting a bear
onto your show. #DiversityMatters. And secondly, I believe ex-cons
could make great firefighters. And I’m a living example. Wait, are-are you saying
that you’re an ex-convict? That’s right. Shout-out to my boys
in San Quentin. Stay hard, my brothers. Wait, wait,
what were you in jail for? In the ’90s,
I ran a Ponzi scheme that preyed on the elderly. But I didn’t know right
from wrong. I was doing a lot of blow. Damn, that is hard-core.
I-I thought it would be for something like
stealing honey or something. Wow, Trevor.
Just ’cause I’m a bear, you assume I steal honey? Do I look like Winnie the Pooh? That’s racist. Oh, no, no, I… No, I didn’t… I didn’t mean, um,
to offend you. -I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
-Okay, I forgive you. See, that’s what
this country’s all about: giving people second chances. That’s why anyone who wants to
fight fires should be able to. Except for people who won’t
put out their campfires. Those people should have their
dicks ripped off by a bear. But not me. I’m still on parole! Wow, that’s, uh, pretty extreme. Not as extreme
as discriminating against people who’ve paid their debt
to society. Ex-convicts should be able
to train as firefighters. And that’s why
I’m changing my slogan to “Remember,
only you and cell block ‘D’ can prevent forest fires.” Well, thank you so much
for joining us. Smokey the Bear, everyone.
[phone ringing] Hello, this is Gavin. (Colin)
Hi, Gavin, my name
is Colin Valenti. I’m calling from
Master Travel Incorporated to tell you about an exciting
limited-time offer, exclusive Las Vegas getaway. Can I have a few moments
of your time to tell you
about this new package? You know what,
I would love to, but I just don’t have the time. [phone beeps] Hello? Hello? [disconnect tone] Hm. [touch tones beeping] [line trilling] [phone ringing] (Colin)
This is Colin Valenti,
Master Travel Incorporated. How may I be of service? Hi, Colin Valenti. My name is Gavin. I think we just talked. Did we get disconnected? (Colin)
Yeah, no–I mean, yeah,
I hung up on you. Why would you do that? I mean, are you even– Are you even allowed
to do that? (Colin)
Were you going to buy
the Las Vegas package? Well, I mean, probably not,
but that’s not the point. (Gavin)
The point is– [phone beeps] What the hell? [touch tones beeping] [line trilling] (Colin)
This is Colin– Yeah, Valenti.
I don’t know what
crawled up your ass and set up shop there,
but you don’t get to hang up– [phone beeps]
[gasps] What? Oh, my g– [line trilling] [phone ringing] (Colin)
What the [bleep] do you want? What is your deal, huh? (Colin)
Um, you don’t want
the Vegas package, so I don’t want to talk. I did us a favor,
wasting our time here. (Gavin)
Stop, stop, don’t you dare hang up that [bleep] phone,
Why shouldn’t I? Why shou– What if I wanted
the Vegas package? Wha–you know what? I want the Vegas package. (Colin)
Sure you do. [phone beeps] What? You mother[bleep]! Oh, my God! You son of a bitch. [line trilling] (Colin)
Come on, man, let it go. [bleep] you, man! [bleep] you! I want five [bleep] packages! Right now–you know what? (Gavin)
You know what?
Where’s my wallet? This is my credit card
number, right here. Okay, listen. Get [bleep] off me. My credit card number
is 0074-5403-0098. The expiration date
is 12-20! And then–and then the–
oh, yeah! The security number is 084! So run the damn card right now! Right [bleep] now! You run it right [bleep] now,
asshole! [suspenseful music] (Colin)
Thank you for your business. Well, I hope
you learned your le– [phone beeps]
[gasps] [screaming] These new call scripts
are really great. Yeah, I know, right? [phone rings] What the [bleep]
do you want, Kathy?
– The one thing I’ve
learned over the years is that you can’t be afraid of failing. In fact on my show when I help businesses I fail all the time. I’m normally shy to show those moments but tonight I’m going
to make an exception. So let’s take a look now at
some of my greatest failures. One of my least popular ideas was for a completely germ-free hot dog stand. At outdoor food carts it’s easy for germs to transfer from money to your food so to completely eliminate this I designed a hands-free method to apply
condiments to the wiener. Also, there would be a second employee whose only job is to handle the money. – What are you doing with the wallet? – We’re doing a germ-free experience so you don’t handle your own money. – [Customer] Oh really? – [Nathan Voiceover] But
people were a bit annoyed with the money handling part. – Can I have my wallet back? – And the hands-free onion dispenser proved to be problematic as well. So you have to up, one up one down, and when it hits the table
the onions will fall. – [Cart Owner] Drop it, keep
droppin’ it, up down, drop it. – [Nathan] Harder. Fast. – [Customer] This is not gonna work. – That’s nothing to do
with the contraption, if you drop a hot dog you drop a hot dog. The public just wasn’t ready for the germ-free hot dog experience. So I laid the concept to rest. Next, I had an idea for a tearless way to tell a child that their pet has died, to be an upsell service
for an animal hospital. The concept was to make a video of the pet while it’s still alive telling the child it’s in animal heaven now. I hired the only voice
actor that responded to my Craigslist ad to be the dog, but when we showed it
to the owner’s child– (fanning harp music) – Oh, it’s me, Madi, I’m in heaven now. So sorry I died, I miss you so much. I’m happy here so I’m not coming home. – No, she doesn’t. – No. – Aw. It’s okay. – [Nathan Voiceover] He
hated his dog’s voice. Another flubbed idea. Next, we all hate paying
those pesky ATM fees that charge us up to three dollars for basically doing nothing. So I designed an ATM that
cleans your card during the transaction so you get
something for your money. No transaction fee, just
a card cleaning fee. But my mistake was that
the washing process took almost seven minutes and
people who were in a hurry got a little frustrated. It still surprised me because the machine was doing a thorough job
but even after all that, people still didn’t think
their cards were clean enough. – This is not clean. – That looks cleaner. – No, there’s still dirt right there. – [Nathan Voiceover] People
just weren’t as excited about it as I had hoped. And lastly, my favorite ideas
don’t just help with business, they’re good for the community as well. So I approached a bar
with an innovative way to stop drunks from
getting behind the wheel. The concept was to have a
street magician stationed outside the bar performing a
magic trick that allows him to secretly test the Blood Alcohol Levels of patrons as they leave. And with my background in
magic I offered to test it out. – For my final trick I’m
gonna need your keys. – My keys? – Yes, great, give the wand a blow. (exhales) Okay, a little bit harder,
right into the top. (hollow whistling) Okay, and you are over the legal limit. – [Man] Okay. – Blood Alcohol so your keys are gone and I cannot give them back to you. – Okay. – Sorry. – [Nathan Voiceover] But
that’s when I realized the flaw in my idea. If I held onto his
keys, and he took a cab, the guy couldn’t get into his apartment. – Could I get my keys please? – I can’t because you’re drunk. – Please give me my keys. – [Nathan Voiceover] And the
only solution at that point was to drive him home. – You live far. – I know I do. – [Nathan Voiceover] Also
once I got him home I realized I couldn’t just give him his
keys until he was asleep, or else he might go out and drive again. – You need to see me sleeping? – I need to see you fall
asleep before I leave your keys or else you might take
them and go out again. You don’t brush your teeth before bed? – Usually not, I usually
brush my teeth in the morning. – Really? – Yup. I know it’s kinda gross
but nobody else is really paying attention to the
way my breath smells. – [Nathan Voiceover] So
I had to put him to bed and make sure he went to sleep. ♫ And if that looking glass gets broke ♫ Mama’s gonna get you a billy goat – [Nathan Voiceover]
Before I left his keys. So as you can see, even the
greatest minds fail sometimes. – [Customer] Ohh!
North Korea. When President Obama
left office, he warned Donald Trump that
Kim Jong-un’s nuclear threat would be his biggest challenge. Well, that and learning to read. But mostly
the nuclear challenge. And after Trump’s second summit
with the North Korean snowman, it turns out
Obama may have been right. Breaking news. No deal. President Trump’s
high stakes nuclear talks with Kim Jong-un
suddenly break down overnight. President Trump beginning
an 8,000-mile journey home from Hanoi, empty-handed. Sometimes you have to walk, and this was just
one of those times. No concessions, no deal,
no final photo op. A closing ceremony scheduled to
celebrate an agreement scrapped. Even lunch was canceled
with the table already set. Wow. You know
something must have gone wrong when these two turn down lunch. Wow. (laughter and applause) Although, I bet
after they left the room, Kim Jong-un came back,
and he was like, “Uh, can I get
this lunch to go, please? “There’s a lot of hungry people
in my country, and I want to eat this
in front of them. Yeah?” But yes,
after months of anticipation, nuclear talks between the U.S.
and North Korea have completely broken down. And I don’t know about you,
but I was shocked, because my boy Trump
has been telling us that he and Kim Jong-un
are good. And I mean, like, real good. I mean, we have
a good chemistry together. Kim Jong-un. We have a great… Chairman Kim,
we have a great chemistry. I like him. He likes me.
The relationship is good. We go back and forth,
and then we fell in love, okay? No, really.
He wrote me beautiful letters. And they’re great letters. We fell in love. You see? You see? Trump and Kim fell in love. And I know that sounds weird,
but when you think about it, Kim Jong-un is totally
Donald Trump’s type, right? All of Trump’s
best relationships are with people
who are half his age and don’t speak English.
It works. That’s when
the relationship be best. That’s what I’m saying. And I’ll be honest.
I’ll be honest. When this summit started, it seemed like love
was still in the air. The day started
with the promise of a deal to get rid of the regime’s
nuclear weapons. President Trump and Kim Jong-un are really enjoying
their alone time. The two leaders took a walk
around the pool at the historic Metropole hotel. Kim, for the first time, took questions
from the Western press. Oh, wow. That’s right. Things were going so well
that for the first time ever, Kim Jong-un took a question
from the Western press. And he answered with swag.
You heard him? Like, “Do you plan to do it?” He’s like, “If I wasn’t planning
to do it, I wouldn’t be here.” Yeah. That’s amazing.
That’s progress. ‘Cause, I mean, in North Korea when a reporter
asks him a question, his response is usually,
“Great question. “Feed him to the lions! “And then feed the lions to me. They wouldn’t give me
that lunch to go.” So, if everything
started out great, what turned
their love affair sour? Well, it’s the same thing that
turns most relationships sour. They both just wanted
different things. The U.S. was hoping for more
concrete steps from Pyongyang towards a deal that is
verifiable and enforceable. There was
a fundamental disagreement. Kim Jong-un wants the crushing
sanctions on his country lifted before dismantling
his nuclear program. Basically, they wanted the sanctions lifted
in their entirety, and we couldn’t do that. They were willing to denuke
a large portion of the areas that we wanted, but we couldn’t give up
all of the sanctions for that. Oh, man.
So that’s what happened. Kim wanted Trump
to give everything up, but before he did, Trump wanted guarantees
in exchange. Classic relationship dilemma. Yeah. Trump was like, “Kim, if I’m gonna open
my trade to you, then we need
to make this official.” Kim was like, “Official? “Why we got to put labels
on this, baby? “Huh? We have fun.
Isn’t that all that matters? Remember our trip to Singapore?
Come on, man.” Donald was like, “I know, “but it’s just
that people are saying “you’re taking advantage of me. I’m always flying to you.
You’re never flying to me.” He’s like, “Donny, Donny,
baby, I told you, man. “Once my economy takes off, I’ll be flying to you
all the time, man.” He’s like,
“I just don’t understand why you won’t let me check
your nuclear sites.” He’s like,
“Oh, you don’t trust me, man? “You don’t trust me, Donny? “I say there’s no nukes,
there’s no nukes, man. You want to check my sites?
Fine, check the sites!” And Donald was like,
“Okay. Thank…” “No, you’re not gonna check
the sites! “There’s no love without trust,
Donny. That was a test. China was right about you.
I’m out!” And Donald was like,
“No, Kim, wait. “Kim! Kim! I need to build a wall
around my heart.” (crying) (applause) That’s how it all went down. (cheering and applause) And, now,
even though Kim Jong-un made Trump fly to the other side
of the world for nothing, Trump still believes
that they can work things out. When we walked away,
it was a… very friendly walk. We shook hands. We, uh…
You know, there’s a– there’s a warmth that we have. Now, I hope that stays.
I think it will. I want to keep the relationship. We will keep the relationship. Uh, we’ll see what happens
over the next period of time. Aw, shame, Donald.
This is so tough to watch, man, ’cause we’ve all–
we’ve all been there. We really have all been there. You told your friends
this was gonna work out. And, despite the warnings,
you still carried on. And now you’re trying
to save face, because you think
everyone’s judging you, which we totally are. But instead
of dragging this out, Donald, I think it’s time to accept
that maybe, just maybe, Kim is just not that into you.
Amateur reviewers are
the backbone of America’s consumer culture, and for eating out,
the go-to site is Yelp. But how exactly
do Yelp reviews work? And is it completely unbiased? Well, Desi Lydic
filed this report. LYDIC:
Yelp– the most popular crowd source review forum
online, and a vital resource when choosing which waxing
place doesn’t laugh so loudly. But can we trust everything
we read on Yelp? One extremely Italian
restaurant owner finds Yelp’s
business practices so devious he’s protesting. -How are you?
-So nice to meet you. Mwa! Mwa! Mwa! Mwa! Mwa! Mwa! My name is, uh,
Chef Davide Cerretini. I’m a chef-owner.
I bought a bistro, and I give 50% off a pizza if you give me
a one star on Yelp. Why would you want
a one-star review? Sorry, let me ask you in,
uh, terms you can understand. What’s a matta you? If you want to have
a good rating on Yelp, you need to pay for advertise. And at this site,
you don’t pay advertise. So what they do, they,
um, manipulate your rating in order for you to give up
and pay for advertising. LYDIC:
According to Davide, when he refused to pay Yelp
to advertise, he noticed dozens
of five-star reviews disappearing
from his Yelp page. To me, that is extortion. -Money…
-Extortion? Yes. I’m Italian. We invent extortion. Well, yeah.
I mean, you’re not just Italian. You’re, like,
cartoonishly Italian. I agree with you. How exactly did Yelp try
to extort you? Walk-walk me through -from the beginning.
-Yes, absolutely. You open your business. In couple of weeks,
you have your business placed in that forum,
you start to have good review. And then in three or four weeks, you start to receive
phone calls. They call you every single day.
They’re pushy. They don’t give up.
They keep calling you. We were answering the phone,
looking at the number, and we would just tell them to
go (bleep) themself immediately. Sure. That’s what I tell
my mother-in-law. After couple of days,
you start to see the results of your bad decision. So immediately,
your ratings change. Somehow these good review,
they’re gone. LYDIC: Davide’s claim
that Yelp extorts businesses was a serious allegation. And he’s not the only one
with a Yelp grievance. In fact, Yelp gets accused
of extortion so much that they have an entire page
on their website dedicated to explaining how
they don’t extort businesses. So I went
to Yelp’s headquarters to meet
with their spokesperson, but not just any spokesperson. My name’s Ben Flajnik. I am currently Yelp San
Francisco’s Community Manager. And…? And I did some television
a number of years ago. You were on…? It was on The Bachelor. -I was the Bachelor.
-That’s right. Forget about Yelp
extorting people, I had to ask
season 16’s Bachelor what really went down on that
horseback ride with Lindzi, or the time he totally dump… I would prefer that we
probably keep this… this conversation
about Yelp today, if that’s cool with you. Yeah. No. Yeah. Absolutely. No, I’m… I am
a hundred percent a professional and I’m here to talk to you
about Yelp. I would never,
you know, want to talk about… Go, go, go, go.
Get out of here. Go. Clean it up. Clean these up. -I didn’t arrange that.
-No, no, it’s fine, it’s fine. Sorry. Excuse me.
What would you say to someone who says that Yelp
extorts businesses? Um, I would say
that’s simply not true. Great. I’m also not in sales.
I don’t… you know, I-I-I run the
community side of things here. Um, Yelp makes its money
primarily through advertising. You don’t have to advertise. Reviews are-are shown
just the same whether you’re
a paid advertiser or not. So businesses can control
the order in reviews that come up, description… Reviews are a bit different. We have… this-this algorithm, it’s called
“recommendation software.” And unfortunately,
the business owners get frustrated
with the algorithm. Alongside that, you have sales
reps that are calling them, and they think that
the two are correlated, but they’re absolutely not. We don’t extort businesses. Bullshit. You are going to work. You are going to be harassed
from these people. It’s blackmail, it’s racket. Bring the money in…
“to the family.” -Mm.
-And that’s the Yelp Mafia. Does it cause you pain
being so Italian and seeing your noble tradition
of Mafia culture be portrayed by these
Silicon Valley douchebags? It is. It’s insulting. The Italian community
got really mad, not because
the intentional extortion, it’s the way
that it’s being done. That a little stupid guy called
me from the Silicon Valley, because he’s manipulator. That’s humiliating for
the Italians. He should know. At least do it the right way. Send couple of guy
with a baseball bat. Do it a classic,
“I’ll give you the money.” Nobody say anything. But what if he was
on The Bachelor? Well, you congratulate him, but also tell him
to go (bleep) himself. These people are protect
by politics, law and lawyers, and we don’t give a shit
anymore. It might be legal,
but it’s not okay. LYDIC: Choosing who to trust
between these two guys was gonna be tough. Yelp’s business practices
are totally legal, but Davide had a point: harassing businesses
and adjusting reviews feels dishonest. Almost as dishonest as calling
this “Italian-style pizza.” In the end,
I had to listen to my heart. (echoing): It might be legal,
but it’s not okay. Just because it’s legal
doesn’t make it right. I was gonna have
to let Ben down easy. Ben, I spent a lot of time
with Yelp today, and I think it… it’s
just that Yelp and businesses are somehow not trusting
one another. It just feels like
there are some things that Yelp is keeping
from businesses. But… I really hope
that Yelp finds happiness. I’m sure one day they’ll make
a business very happy. Oh, thanks. ♪ ♪ -(cheering, applause)
-Desi Lydic, everyone.