It’s Time to Pay Back Puerto Rico: The Daily Show


In the past few weeks, we’ve
seen a multitude of hurricanes hitting the Caribbean
and the U.S. And though the storms
have moved on, millions are still dealing
with the effects. We turn next here
to the catastrophic damage in Puerto Rico, home to
3.5 million American citizens. Hurricane Maria, the worst storm
to batter that island in nearly a century. REPORTER:
All over the U.S. territory, these American citizens
are struggling to survive. No running water,
gas is scarce, and they could be without power
for months. That’s right.
Due to Hurricane Maria, much of Puerto Rico
has no running water, limited gas, and no power. And although having no power
may be okay for Democrats, it’s not okay for an island
full of people, all right? And since-since Puerto Rico
is a part of the United States and its citizens
are American citizens, the man they are looking to
for answers is, unfortunately,
President Trump. And the good news is, the good news is
he knows where Puerto Rico is. We’ve gotten A-pluses
on Texas and on Florida and, uh, we will also
on Puerto Rico. But the difference is
this is an island sitting in the middle
of an ocean. And it’s a big ocean. It’s a very big ocean. (laughter) It-it is a big ocean.
Yeah? Yeah? You know what?
I know it seems like President Trump doesn’t know
what he’s speaking about, but that’s just because
he doesn’t know how to speak. You see, the essence of what
he’s trying to say is true, and that is, compared to states
on the mainland, it’s harder to get help
to Puerto Rico. That is what he meant to say.
You know what I’m thinking? Instead of stressing ourselves,
we should just accept that Trump cannot speak English,
okay? And from now on,
we just get him a translator like we do for foreign leaders. We’ve got an A plus… MAN (translating):
While states such as Texas and Florida are easily
accessible, there are vast
logistical difficulties in delivering essential
supplies and services to an island
approximately 1,000 miles from the U.S. mainland. You see? Presidential.
Presidential. Now, look, the truth is
President Trump’s response to this disaster
hasn’t been perfect. He tweeted some (bleep)
about Puerto Rico. He wasn’t quick to get rid off
the Jones Act, but… but he hasn’t been
the only reason that Puerto Rico is struggling
right now. Because as it turns out, there are at least
some emergency supplies that are reaching Puerto Rico. The problem is,
once they reach the island, there’s another issue. WOMAN:
Supplies have arrived, but they’re not
getting delivered to the three point four million
American citizens on the island. MAN: More than 3,000
shipping containers are sitting at the Port of San Juan. In these containers, we have
medicines, there’s water. MAN: The governor,
Ricardo Rossello, told us there’s a shortage
of truck drivers to deliver the essentials. If you want to help drive
a truck here in Puerto Rico, here’s a number the governor’s
office just gave me. Well, wait. Wait a second. Puerto Rico just needs
some truck drivers? Maybe Trump can help
after all, huh? -(laughter)
-Come on! He spent his whole presidency
learning to drive trucks. Finally it paid off! Yeah! Yeah, and you guys thought
he wasn’t being presidential. -That was practice.
-(laughter) Now I know this isn’t
a popular phrase on this show, but in Donald Trump’s defense… “Boo! Boo!” “Aah, tweet, tweet, Trevor.
Aah!” “Centrist shill!” “Tweet, tweet. Boo!” Thank you. -In his… in his defense…
-(laughter) …the federal government
is responding to the crisis. America’s military is boosting
its efforts to help Puerto Rico. FEMA is asking
for military vehicles to clear roads
and bring in supplies. 10,000 responders, more than
four and a half million meals, four point six million liters
of water, and they’re working to reopen some of the necessary
airfields and access. In addition to FEMA and the
Department of Homeland Security, the Army Corps of Engineers
is now in Puerto Rico working on restoring
the electrical grid there. And the Navy is sending
their floating hospital, the Comfort, which should
arrive next week. Man, you’ve got to be impressed with how much
the U.S. military can do, especially the part about
having a hospital on a ship. That is amazing, right, unless you’re suffering
from seasickness. Then they can’t really help you. Like, they’re the problem and
the solution at the same time. “Take this. Now you’re sick.
Take this. Now you’re sick. This is not going anywhere.” Uh, could-could there be
more help? Sure. One thing that isn’t helping is that nearly half of Americans,
though, don’t even realize that Puerto Rico is a part
of the U.S. And that matters,
because Americans who know Puerto Ricans are U.S. citizens
are twice as likely to support the federal
government sending them aid, which is a raw deal
for Puerto Ricans, if you think about it, right? Imagine if half
of your family didn’t know that you were a part
of their family. -(laughter)
-That would suck. I think there’s a term
for it, actually. It’s called “Tiffany Syndrome,”
and it’s not fair. -(laughter and groaning)
-It really isn’t fair. Just half of them don’t know. And if… And as if that wasn’t enough, there’s another thing that is
working against Puerto Rico. The mayor of San Juan, Puerto
Rico is now begging for help, but many there feel like
they’re just getting overlooked. Some experts say donor fatigue
is a real thing here. So many people jumped in to help after hurricanes
Harvey and Irma. They say, people are now
feeling hopeless, like their donations aren’t
really making a difference. That’s right.
One of the saddest things is, people are not giving aid
to Puerto Rico the way they did
for Texas and Florida, because they’re suffering
from donor fatigue. And I’m sure we can all
understand the feeling. It’s probably happened to you.
I know it’s happened to me. You know, on a day you walk by
a homeless person on the street, and you go like, “You know what?
I’m feeling generous.” You look in your wallet,
you’re like, “I’m giving them everything.
Everything. “I’ve got 50 bucks in my wallet.
Take it all. Yeah!” And then you turn the corner and
there’s another homeless guy, he’s like, “Hey,” and you’re
like, “Aw, man. Okay, uh… “you should have
seen me earlier. “I gave… you… like… “Wow, if we go back,
maybe we can try… “Aw, man,
maybe we can split it… All right, I’m sorry, man.”
And you have to move on. And I know people don’t want
to do it, but it’s how we feel. And look, people,
I know it feels like that there’s a new hurricane
every week. The truth is, though,
everyone still needs to help. Right? And it’s no excuse
that we get fatigued for letting Puerto Rico
fall through the cracks. And don’t think of it
as a donation. Think of it
as paying Puerto Rico back for all they’ve given us. “Despacito.” (laughter) Lin-Manuel Miranda. -(laughter, cheering)
-Jennifer Lopez. (whooping, applause) Like, you realize if everyone
who listened to “Despacito” just gave one dollar
to Puerto Rico, that’s billions. Billions. We just…
That’s all we should do. If you’ve ever listened
to “Despacito,” give a dollar. Yeah. If you’re a fan
of Hamilton… -(applause, cheering)
-Yeah. Yeah. If you’re a fan of Hamilton,
give a dollar. If you’ve ever fantasized
about J.Lo, give a dollar. Yeah. And you know what? Fine, I’ll be the first
to admit, fine, okay, J.Lo, fine,
I will give my dollar. There. There we go.
I have fantasized. There you go. -(laughter)
-So… All right, fine, maybe it was more than one time. -(laughter)
-But the point is… Okay, fine, you know what,
I’ll write a check, ’cause I can’t afford to just
keep giving out dollars here. Mr. Trevor Lopez. There you go. The point– don’t judge me.
We’ve all fantasized about J.Lo. She’s amazing, okay? -(applause)
-Triple threat. But look, the truth is,
for those of you at home, if you can donate, no matter
how small it is, please try. Go to one
of these worthy charities. Your fellow Americans
could use the help.

Michael Che – Lying on Your Résumé, Paying Taxes & The History of Sexting


What’s up, Boston? How you guys doing? (audience cheering) Wow. This is crazy. I love Boston. This is the second time
I’ve been to Boston in, like, the past month,
and I love it. ‘Cause the first time I went, I went to a place
I’ve never been before. It’s called Southie. (audience laughs, whoops) Yeah. It’s a white ghetto. (laughter) I’ve never seen a white ghetto
in my life! It was ama… I saw a white lady steal a bike. And she was wearing a helmet. It was amazing. It was the coolest thing
I’ve ever seen, man. This is, uh, this is cool
because this is, like, a dream come true for me
to do comedy, you know, for so many people,
you know? I’ve been listening to “Juicy”
a lot to get inspired. You ever listen
to Biggie’s “Juicy”? (whoops) It’s, like, the greatest song
of inspiration ever. You know? I… It’s weird though.
It’s not the same song as when I heard it
when I was, like, 12. ‘Cause there’s a line in there
when he goes, ♪ Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis ♪ ♪ When I was dead broke, man ♪ ♪ I couldn’t picture this. ♪ That’s, like, $300-worth
of merchandise. It’s not a lot of money, man. I’ve been dead broke
my whole life, and I’ve had a Sega Genesis. I didn’t have a Super Nintendo,
but I could picture it. It wasn’t like… But it’s fun though, it’s good,
because it’s, you know, like,
if I wasn’t doing comedy, I don’t know what I’d be doing,
you know? I don’t know what I’d be doing.
It wouldn’t be good. I’d try, like, I would try
to get a regular job. It’s embarrassing. I’d have to, like,
lie on my résumé. You know how humiliating
that is? You ever lie so bad
on your résumé that you can’t believe
you didn’t get the job? You want to go back
to Foot Locker. Like, really, Foot Locker? Who the (bleep) do you hire that has eight-year
mayoral experience? (laughs) And a degree in physics? Who is this amazing shoe salesman? I don’t have a degree.
I didn’t even go to college. And I’m glad I didn’t
because I do this. So I don’t have to go
to college for this. And all my friends that went
to college are in crazy debt. Like, real debt. I got a friend
that’s $80,000 in debt with an English degree. I learned English for free. (laughs) It was the first thing
I learned. It was
the first thing I learned. And I talk
to this dude every day. I understand
everything he’s saying. He doesn’t know a special kind
of English. He doesn’t talk
like the Game of Thrones. It’s just regular English. And you know
what he does for a living? He teaches English. ‘Cause that’s the only thing you
can do with an English degree. It’s a (bleep) pyramid scheme. I do like, uh,
doing comedy though because… I got to pay taxes.
That’s the worst part. That’s the wor…
You ever pay taxes? I never paid taxes before. It’s an awful feeling. I’ve had taxes taken,
but I’ve never paid taxes. And that’s two totally
different things. ‘Cause when you have taxes
taken, you get a job every week and they just take
the taxes out of your check. They just take it.
You don’t get a choice. They just take it
and they keep taking it till the end of the year
where they’re like, “Hey, I think we might’ve
took too much. (laughs) “Here’s $500 back. Go buy yourself
some sneakers or something.” And you’re like, “Thanks, government. We’re going
to Red Lobster tonight. “This is amazing.
(laughs) I love tax time.” When you pay taxes,
it’s totally different. When you pay taxes, they let you
keep all of your money all year, and at the end, they say,
“You owe us 40%.” Which is a lot for me because I
don’t know what I’m paying for. I’ve never dialed 911.
I put out all my own fires. And I’m not saying I shouldn’t
have to pay any taxes, but I shouldn’t have to pay
as much as somebody that votes. Or… actually…
(laughs) I don’t vote because I don’t
know anything about politics. And honestly I can’t believe
they would let me. Isn’t that, like,
an important job? They’ll just let me pick
the president, really? I don’t got to take a test?
I don’t need a license? You need a license
to shampoo dogs in this country. But they’ll let me pick
the president? And that seems safe to you? I don’t know anything
about politics. I’ve tried.
I’ll watch the news. Either I’m too stupid
to understand the news or I feel like they’re
always lying to us. Right? I was watching recently. This lady
from the government gets on talking about the economy. She’s like,
“We’re in a recession. We owe China $11 trillion.” And I’m like, “We?” I don’t owe China shit. You owe China $11 trillion. “We” owe Sprint $90. You must’ve been roaming. We treat kids weird, man. Let kids be kids. They were talking about kids
are out of control for sexting each other. They’re not out of control
for sexting. They just have the technology
to be as gross as we’ve always wished we were when we were their age. What did you think
he was gonna take pictures of with eight megapixels of camera?
Sunsets? No, he’s 12. He’s gonna take
pictures of his dick. It’s the most interesting thing
he owns. (laughs) It’s not his fault. I’m sure there was people
trying to sext in the ’70s and ’80s in their bathrooms with Polaroids and stamps. (laughs) Like… (imitates camera shutter) Wait till Cheryl sees this shit
in two to three business days. She’s gonna love it. (laughs) People in the ’20s
trying to sext each other. With those cameras
like the box cameras with the… … with the black cloth and… Poof! They pose for every picture
like they was on money. All right, now watch the birdie. Poof! (laughs) That’s the world’s
oldest sexting joke.

The NutShot Stuntman – Mini-Mocks


– [Rick] Guy getting
hit in the nuts is a classic moment in any film, but it takes a real
pro to get it right. I’m Rick Daniels. I’m a nut shot stuntman. The nut shot is a unique craft. Any stuntman can
take a nut shot, but if David Fincher needs
56 takes, you need me. Some people make fun of my job, but nut shots convey
a certain truth: life is random, unforgiving,
and often nauseating. The subtext of nut
shots is clear: existence is suffering. The most common question
I get is, does it hurt? My answer is always the same. Yes, stupid; I’m getting
rammed in the plums. Well, I have certain
techniques to minimize pain. I’ve actually trained myself
to retract my testicles on command and to
get them back down, I just cough.
(coughs) For a while, I
thought this job meant that I could never have kids,
but if anything, it’s helped. Job’s like S.E.A.L.
training for my sperm. My boys can fight
through anything. Plus, I’m a pretty
big hit on career day. I don’t do this for
the recognition. I have won the Clacker
eight years in a row, basically the Oscars of
getting hit in the nuts. At the end of the
day, I’m the best, but it’s because
I’m not complacent. When I’m not
working, I’m training everyday at the batting cages. That’s one, 99 to go. (grungy electronic music)

Tosh.0 – Office S&M


>>I AM GOING TO ASSUME EVERYBODY IN THAT VIDEO IS THERE OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL, DESPITE BEING SARAN WRAPPED TO A LADDER. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. THAT’S HOW YOU CATCH A DISEASE, SHOOTING THOSE VIRUS MOLECULES UP YOUR POOP CHUTE. WHAT NUMBER SHADE OF GREY IS THAT? THIS IS WHAT WOMEN WANT NOW, FELLAS. BOX OFFICE RECEIPTS DON’T LIE. I’M NOT SURPRISED. I’VE HAD AN S&M FRIENDLY WORK PLACE FOR YEARS. WE DO FETISH ON THE FIVES.>>FETISH ON THE FIVES.>>NO JUDGMENT, JUST ROUGH EXPLORATION OF OUR BODIES AT FIVE MINUTES AFTER EVERY HOUR.>>IT’S 2:05 GUYS. PUT ON YOUR BLINDFOLDS.>>I SEE MY WRITERS ARE READY FOR SOME PLEASURE.>>[SCREAMS]>>PLAY WITH YOUR KEYBOARD. PRESS THE KEYS HARDER. PRESS THE KEYS HARDER. PRESS THE KEYS HARDER.>>AH.>>GRONKOWSKI. GRONKOWSKI.>>OH! IS IT 3:05 ALREADY?>>FLY TRUE, MY FRIEND.>>OW!>>I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR $9,000 WORTH OF YANKEE. [ALL SCREAM]>>THE SARAN WRAP IS FUSING TO MY SKIN.>>GRONKOWSKI.>>JUST ONE OF THE MANY PERKS OF NOT HAVING AN HR DEPARTMENT. WHOO, HOT! WAS THAT JARED LETO?

NYC Man Who Swims to Work Every Day – Mini-Mocks


– Most people who
have a long commute don’t also get to exercise. I figured out a way to do both. My name is Greg Washburn, and I swim across New
York City’s East River to get to work every day. I heard that they were
shutting down the L train, and I knew I had
to do something. I live in Williamsburg
and I love it. I’m not gonna leave
the neighborhood, I’d have to find
another coffee shop. I’m from San Francisco, I
used to swim in the bay, so this is no big deal. People ask if it’s
illegal, and I say, “Hey, when has that
ever stopped a white guy “who wants to get his way?” Plus, I get to wave
at all the hipsters cycling over the bridge. Yes, it’s a bit slower
than riding a bike, but it’s also a lot easier
to eat while swimming. And I get to pretend
that I’m an otter for a couple of
minutes every day. Working 60 hours a
week on Wall Street means I have to be incredibly
efficient with my time. So I squeeze in my morning
meditation podcasts while I’m swimming. Yes, I’m swimming in a
100 times the legal limit of fecal parts per million, but at least I’m not
touching an MTA subway pole. People think CrossFit is tough? I say, “Why don’t you try
Cross-the-East-River-Fit? “Then tell me who’s tougher.” I think the results
speak for themselves. And at the end of the day, I’ve
got the respect of my peers. Hey, sorry I’m late,
the current was crazy.

When Your Friend Works for the FBI – Sonia Denis – Stand-Up Featuring


– I’m in L.A but before this
I was living in New York. Yeah, lots of New Yorkers here. He lives in
Manhattan, I can tell. Kill him, no. In New York, I feel like when
I first move to New York, my family was so
impressed they were like, “Oh my God, how do you
like the big apple? Are you taking a
bite out of it?” And I was like, “I love it!”
(laughing) But I really hated it
for a long time, so long. Just as like teenagers, rats,
my biggest fears everywhere. Everywhere.
(laughing) I was on a subway once and there’s two groups
of teenagers got on and they were engaged and it’s like really
heated back and forth and it was like a lot of people, it’s really crowded and
everybody was scared that it’s going to get physical but no one was more
scared than me, ’cause I look like
one of these kids. I’m in my 30s, this is my face. I’m a book bag away
from someone going, “Hey, it’s that bitch from
Emerson Middle, get her” (laughing) These kids are wild. They’ve seen too much. But I’m not telling these
stories to my immigrant family, I’m just making things up,
stealing other people’s story, “Oh! We saw “The
Nanny” in Time Square!” and I have only seen one
episode of that show. (laughing) My ex-boyfriend, it
was his favorite show. He’s white but you knew that when I said “The Nanny”
was his favorite show. (laughing) Also want any other people
of color in the room to know that I started that
relationship in the Obama Era, I will never to
that now, come on. Two Muslim bans, get
the fuck away from me. (laughing) No thank you. It was a different time, it was post, post,
post, post racial Try out a white man, try
out hot yoga, it was crazy. We’ve all learned,
we’ve learned a lot. (laughing) Towards the end, Black
Panther came out, I felt like “This is a lot pressure to me” It felt like a
sign, when we went, I went with two of my other
friends that are black and him and in the end I was doing
that Social Media thing and taking the picture, you
know with the ‘Wakanda Pose’ in front of the movie
poster and I was like Oh God, what would
he do? (mumbling) please don’t do
it And he was like (laughing) He’s a good person, I
still crop the shit out of that picture but, I send
him one, just for you, no one else, no one else. Now my boyfriend is
black, we love each other, we love Martin,
seasonings, Meryl Streep. It’s very black. (laughing) But I’m Rwandan, I moved here
in late 80s with my family but my mom moved here and she
was already in her late 20s, early 30s. She’s been through a
lot racism, xenophobia, she was pregnant with my
siblings when we came, but she’s endured all that
which is so much strength and grace but she
raised me in the west and weekly I’ll call
her and I’m like Mom, I wake up sad this
morning and I don’t know why? (moaning) It’s gross. How dare I? But, she’s so supportive,
she’s a great mom, a devoted catholic,
she’s always like “Oh no! Have you prayed?” (laughing) I’m always like “I’m
agnostic so maybe” (laughing) She fucking hates that joke. (laughing) But you know who does love it? God. (laughing) And I know that cause
I’m not dead yet. I don’t swear by the bible
for the pilgrims out there, but if God doesn’t like
you, you fucking know. Old Testament, is that
cotton and wool, you’re dead. That’s how it goes. But I went to a psychiatrist
and for those who feel like “I’m happy, what’s that?” It’s like shut the fuck up. No you go to a person, you tell them all
the deep dark secrets you can’t tell your friends,
they throw pills at you and some days you feel alright. It’s pretty tight, would
recommend, if you can get there, Out of your bed, out the house. But first question he
asked me, pretty early, he was like “Do you have
a boyfriend, girlfriend, in a relationship?”
I was like “Yeah!” And he’s like “Do you
love him?” (chuckling) what did he say, I’ma
say it first (laughing) He didn’t think
that was amusing. So (murmur) I’ll take him back. He’s like “That’s a little
inappropriate given the setting” And I was like “But doctor,
all the worlds will (murmur), Okay inappropriate, Yep” And he was like
“Do you do drugs?” and I was like (laughing) “It’s inappropriate
I’m getting this.” Yep, yep, yep, yep, I
paid a lot of money. Towards the end though,
he got really serious. We were having a good
time and then he was like “Do You suffer from
suicidal thoughts?” and I was like
“Yeah like honestly, that’s a big part of why I came. I have those thoughts but
whenever I think about what It would do to
my friends and family, it makes it something that’s
impossible to go through with.” And this man looked at me and
then looked at his note pad and he was like (chuckling)
“Not if you’re determined.” (laughing) What? (laughing) “Now I’m going to kill
myself so fucking bad!” I was in Queens recently
cause I do like to travel and it’a great. I was standing in front
of this restaurant and I was waiting for my
friend and someone was like “Excuse me momma.
Sorry to interrupt you, but can I take a picture of you? It’s just I like,
I love your hair and I want to show my
hairdresser exactly what I want my hair look like.” Which was like really nice but kind a weird because
she was a white woman. Very straight hair. And I was like “Aaaahh” (laughing) Are you racist? (laughing) Or am I racist? Who’s racist? But I took the picture. (laughing) (mumbling) I tried, I really did try. But then later when I
told my friend that story She was like “No,
that’s a porn thing, that’s a known porn thing. They’re going to Photoshop your
image into some weird porn” and I was like “Wooow!” (laughing) How bad is the porn
industry doing. Like really? What porn entrepreneur was like “Get (murmur) to Queens. We found a tiny black
woman, bad posture, hair like Sideshow
Bob. (mumbling) Yuck! I just feel like if
anyone knows me they know any realistic depiction of me in a pornographic film
it’s just like (coughing) (thudding) (laughing) The microphone was a dick,
did you get that ‘ACDC’? Did you get that? I developed a drinking problem
moving to Chicago, surprise. (laughing) I remember before
I moved to Chicago, I feel like I was like a very
much more a social drinker and then when I got to Chicago, I became the type of
person who wakes up to Facebook notifications
that I’ve have been tagged, in pictures I don’t
remember taking with people I don’t
remember meeting. I’m not even
longing on Facebook. What the fuck is happening? But I think it’s just
’cause when I drink, I’m very impulsive. I’m very gregarious. I
took the SAT, shut up. (laughing) Example of that, I was hanging
out, one of my friends, we were celebrating her
recent promotion to FBI Agent, I was like “Wow, Get it girl.” Like “You past the shit out of
that drug test girl, get it!” (laughing) I don’t want to snitch
on her, but it was a lot and we are all celebrating
this little (mwah) miracle and she tells us that
she gets to carry her gun with her everywhere she goes. (laughing) so armed with that knowledge
an hour later this (murmur) bumps me, steps on
my shoe, I was like “excuse me, you
stepped on my shoe.” He’s like “calm down sweetheart” I was like “sweetheart,
Michelle shoot this bitch!” (laughing) We work for the F.B.I (laughing) Surprise you just became
an enemy combatant. She stopped talking
to me after that but. (laughing) worth it I have comedy
and she has so much money. (laughing)

Anthony DeVito: Dream Occupation – Racism Will Be Impossible in the Future


(cheering) – [Announcer] Keep it
going for Anthony DeVito, let him hear it! (cheering) – [Anthony] Thank you. Thank you very much. (light laughter) Racism will die out eventually. Just everybody’s having
sex with everybody. So more and more
races are mixing. In a hundred years, racists
are gonna have to be so specific, they’re
gonna have to be like, “These goddamn
quarter-Mexican, half-Jew, “quarter-Koreans are
ruining this country “with their taco
bank laundromats.” (laughter) I don’t understand (muffled)
people could be homophobic. Man, one of the funniest
things that I’ve ever heard told to me by a
black, flamboyant, over-the-top, gay coworker. We’re talking once,
it was just freezing. I was making conversation, I
was like, “It’s cold in here.” He goes, “Cold? Uh-uh, it’s
chilly willy penguin bones “up in here.” (laughter) “Huh, how are you
not a weatherman?” Oh my God. (laughter) “You just described
the room temperature “with a great idea for
a children’s book.” (laughter) (applause)

The Perks of Working at a Froyo Shop – Key & Peele


– SO YOU GOT TO KEEP
THE TOPPINGS FULL. – OKAY, GOT IT.
I’M ON TOP OF THAT. – YOU GONNA FIT IN
JUST FINE HERE. HEY, SOMEDAY… THAT MIGHT BE YOUR PICTURE
ON THE WALL. – OH, EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR. WHEN DOES SHE WORK? – WHAT? – I WAS JUST WONDERING
WHEN SHE WORKS. – GIRL, IT’S ME. – OH… CONGRATS. – NOW, HERE’S THE BEST PART
ABOUT WORKING AT A YOGURT SHOP, IS YOU GET
ALL THE FREE FROYO YOU WANT. MM-HMM. AND YOU CAN’T BELIEVE
HOW DELICIOUS IT IS AND ALSO FAT FREE. THANK GOD,
BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND– HE JUST GOT BACK
FROM HIS TOUR IN AFGHANISTAN, AND HE’S COMING HERE
TO PICK ME UP. HE SHOULD BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN A YEAR. – A WHOLE YEAR, YOU SAY. – MM-HMM. HAVE SOME. – I’M GOOD. – NOW, IF YOU NEED A EXTRA SHIRT
OR ANYTHING, THEY GONNA BE IN THERE,
BECAUSE THESE SEEM TO SHRINK. – UH-HUH.
– OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, GIRL? I CAN’T GET ENOUGH
OF THIS STUFF. I MEAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME.
IT’S FREE. – NO, I’M OKAY.
I’M–I’LL HAVE SOME LATER. – COME ON, GIRL, IT’S FAT FREE. – HI. I JUST GOT BACK
FROM AFGHANISTAN. I’M HERE LOOKING
FOR MY GIRLFRIEND, LATIA. – AAH! BABY! BABY, WHAT–WHAT?
IT’S ME. – NO, IT’S NOT. – WHAT? IT’S ME. – APPARENTLY SHE DOESN’T WORK
HERE ANYMORE. THANKS. – WHAT? OH, MY GOD!
HE’S LEAVING ME! DESMONA, IS HE LEAVING ME?
DESMONA, WHY WOULD HE LEAVE ME? WHAT–WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD
THERE BE FOR HIM LEAVING ME? FOR HIM LEAVING ME? – MAYBE HE–
MAYBE HE GOT THAT PSD. PSD. – WHAT? OH, YOU MEAN THE PTSDs?
– THE PTSDs. – YOU MEAN THE POST-TRAUMATIC
STRESS DISORDER. [crying]
IT’S GOT TO BE THAT. OH, MY GOD!
MY BABY GOT THE PTSD! MY BABY GOT THE PTSD! THAT COULD BE THE ONLY REASON! OH, MY BABY! MY POOR, POOR BABY
GOT THE PTSDs! OH, MY BABY! [wailing]

The American “Work Ethic” Is Completely Stupid – The Jim Jefferies Show


Work is an integeral part
of the American identity. When you meet
someone at a party, the first question is always,
“What do you do?” I used to lie to people
when I was younger ’cause I didn’t want
people to know that
I was an amateur comedian, so I’d tell them that I was
a giraffe keeper at the zoo. Did you know that the
giraffe tongue is so strong, it can actually tear
the flesh off the human body? That’s why there’s
no lesbian giraffes. Also, they don’t make sensible
pants for four legs. So why is America
so focused on work, and does that focus on work…
work? Let’s find out in our segment “America,
You’re Doing It Wrong.” We’re not doing songs a–?
Okay. Uh, the country’s obsession
with hard work dates back to these Bible-thumping
buckle-headed [bleep] who invented the
Protestant work ethic. Why is it called a work ethic? Work isn’t inherently ethical. You can be a very hardworking
human trafficker, and no one’s going to say,
“Gotta hand it to Nikola. Up at the crack of dawn
every morning stuffing young women
into shipping containers. Ah, you think they’re
not gonna get in, but he always makes them fit. He has good ethics.” But hard work just for the sake
of working hard is stupid. You know we’re all dead
at the end of this, right? And it’s not like hard work
is quality work. Woman: Compared to other
highly industrialized nations, the United States has one of the
longest average workweeks. According to several studies,
increased work hours tend to have an adverse effect
on productivity. If you work less,
you’ll be more productive. I’ve been trying to tell that
to Comedy Central, but they say they don’t have
monthly shows. The 40-hour workweek
is making us less productive and it’s ruining
our personal lives. Woman: The average American
age 25 to 54 with at least one child spends nearly nine hours a day
engaged in work, less than 3 hours for leisure, and a pathetic 1.2
caring for others. Perhaps the most stunning part of our insanely intense
work culture is that this country
does not require companies to offer parental leave. Parental leave in the U.S.
is so bad, they’ve stopped doing
Lamaze classes and just started to teach women
how to not let contractions disrupt their presentation. “And as you can see,
we’re doing much better in the fo-OOURRTH quart– Ahh…ahh…ah.” Obviously, that’s a joke. In my experience,
childbirth is easy. [ Laughter ] America, you’re doing it wrong. It’s time to rethink
the way we work, because happy workers
are better workers. And companies around the world are experimenting
with a four-day workweek. At a New Zealand based
financial-services firm called Perpetual Guardian,
starting next month, they will be implementing
a permanent four-day workweek after a successful trial
this past spring. Stress levels during that time
were reduced by 7%. 78% of employees said that they could manage
their work-life balance better, And social-media surfing
dropped by 35%. Okay, okay, I support
a four-day workweek. But a financial-services firm
in New Zealand? How much work
do they really have? They only got about five dollars
in the entire country. It’s just like, “Oh, Kevin’s
got some money, bro.” “Oh, no. I’ve heard that
Dave’s also got some money.” “Oh, we should — we should
put all the pebbles together and put them
in a big heap, bro.” “Oh, I like that, bro. Uh, what is four pebbles
plus four pebbles?” “That would be six, bro. Six.” [ Laughter ] Pebbles are their currency
because they’re inbred. [ Laughter ] The way Americans overwork
themselves is ludicrous. Pretty much every other
industrialized country gives employees
four weeks vacation. Germany has one of
the most generous vacation policies in the world,
and they give up to eight weeks, and they’re the ones
who lost the war. [ Laughter ] Though I’m okay with that,
to be honest, you know? We should encourage
the Germans to stay relaxed. We’ve seen what happens
when they get a little uptight. [ Laughter ] You might say they got
a little bit too much done. I think America should implement
a four-day workweek, but you won’t because it goes
against the American idea that if you’re not
killing yourself at work, you’re doing something wrong. But I have
an alternative suggestion. Just add an extra day
to the end of the week. Then you can work
your precious 40 hours and still get
a three-day weekend. There’d still be
365 days in the year, but since the weeks are longer,
we’d need fewer months. Obviously we’re gonna keep
October and December, because they’ve got
the best holidays. We’ll just get rid of March. [Bleep] March!
Nobody likes March! The — The only good day in
March is St. Patrick’s Day. But here’s the best bit. When it’s an 8-day week,
we’ll make one day every week St. Patrick’s Day,
so you’ll always get it. [ Cheers and applause ] Also, I’m getting rid of
6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m. Instead, 12:00 a.m. to 1:00 a.m.
will now take three hours. That way, you’ll always leave
a party just after midnight. Sure, it will [bleep] over
some shift workers, but you chose to become a nurse. So, there you have it.
Jim’s 8-day week. [ Cheers and applause ] Now that Beatles song
makes sense. “Yellow Submarine.”

Nathan For You – Dumb Starbucks – Open for Business


– WITH OUR SIGN NOW ON DISPLAY,
MY PLAN QUICKLY BEGAN TO WORK, AS PEOPLE STARTED COMING IN THINKING IT WAS
AN ACTUAL STARBUCKS. – OH, DUMB STARBUCKS.
OKAY, OKAY. – OH, YOU THOUGHT
IT WAS STARBUCKS. – I DID. – BUT THE FEW CUSTOMERS WE DID
GET SEEMED TO HAVE TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING WHAT WE WERE
ALL ABOUT. I MEAN, LEGALLY SPEAKING, THIS STORE HAS TO BE CATEGORIZED
AS AN ART GALLERY, SO WE DON’T HAVE TO ABIDE
BY THE SAME HEALTH REGULATIONS AS A STARBUCKS WOULD. I MEAN, WE DON’T WANT ANY OF
OUR CUSTOMERS TO GET SICK. BUT IF THEY DO,
TECHNICALLY, THAT’S PART OF
THE ARTISTIC EXPERIENCE. THINGS WERE OFF
TO AN OKAY START. BUT AS THE DAY PROGRESSED,
I BECAME FRUSTRATED WE WEREN’T GETTING THE AMOUNT
OF CUSTOMERS I EXPECTED. SO I HEADED OUT TO A NEARBY
COFFEE SHOP TO TRY AND SPREAD THE WORD
ABOUT MY NEW BUSINESS. JUST SO YOU KNOW,
THERE’S A DUMB STARBUCKS THAT’S OPENED UP
DOWN THE BLOCK. – OKAY.
– OKAY. IT’S BASICALLY THE SAME COFFEE.
CHEAPER PRICES, AND– – DUMB STARBUCKS?
– YEAH. TODAY, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN HAVE
A FREE COFFEE ON ME. – I UNDERSTAND YOU’RE TRYING
TO PROMOTE YOUR COMPANY. – RIGHT.
– I ADMIRE THAT. BUT THAT’S GREAT.
YOU CAN’T DO IT ON STARBUCKS’ PROPERTY.
– AND I ADMIRE YOU. AND I WILL BE–
– AND EVERY TIME I STEP BACK, YOU KEEP TAKING A STEP FORWARD.
– NO, I HAVEN’T MOVED. – YOU HAVE.
WE STARTED OVER HERE. – NO, WE STARTED RIGHT HERE. – BUT YOU NEED TO WALK THAT WAY.
– OKAY, I WILL. – UNFORTUNATELY, MY MARKETING
EFFORTS WERE CUT SHORT. BUT I WAS AT LEAST ABLE
TO GET SOME FREE SUPPLIES. WITH AN UNDERWHELMING
LAUNCH DAY, I BEGAN TO FEEL LIKE I PUT IN
ALL THIS EFFORT FOR NOTHING. BUT THE NEXT MORNING
THINGS CHANGED. JEREMIAH CALLED ME TO SAY
THERE WAS A LINE OF OVER 15 PEOPLE AT THE STORE. THEN I SAW PHOTOS
OF MY SHOP POSTED ON A STRAIGHT BODY BUILDING
MESSAGE BOARD. BUT I COULDN’T HAVE FORESEEN
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.
– A NEW COFFEE SHOP
WITH A FAMILIAR NAME
CREATING QUITE A STIR
IN LOS ANGELES.
THE COFFEE SHOP–GET THIS–
IS CALLED DUMB STARBUCKS.
– THAT LOOKS EXACTLY
LIKE A STARBUCKS.
THE LOGO, THE LETTERING,
THE GREEN COLORING–
HOW DO THEY GET AWAY
WITH THIS?
– BECAUSE THEY PUT THE WORD
“DUMB” ON TOP OF STARBUCKS,
SO THEY’RE PARODYING
STARBUCKS. – A COFFEE CHAIN NOTORIOUS
FOR SUING IMITATORS MAY HAVE FINALLY
MET IT’S MATCH. – AT THE COUNTER, CUSTOMERS
CAN ORDER A “DUMB VENTI” OR BUY A CD
OF “DUMB NORAH JONES DUETS.”
– SOME PEOPLE WAITED IN LINE
FOR UP TO AN HOUR.
– IT’S AN ART GALLERY WHERE
COFFEE IS CONSIDERED ART. – WHAT’S THE POINT OF THE ART?
I MEAN, WHAT’S THE MESSAGE?
– I DON’T KNOW.
– [speaking Spanish] – [speaking Korean] – I WAS STUNNED. WE HAD MORE CUSTOMERS
THAN I EVER DREAMED OF. AND WITHIN 24 HOURS,
DUMB STARBUCKS HAD BECOME
A WORLDWIDE SENSATION. – YEAH, THERE’S ABSOLUTELY
ARTISTIC VALUE HERE.
– TO ME, THIS IS A PROTEST.
THIS IS A PROTEST
AGAINST THE BIG FISH.
THE LEVIATHANS OF STARBUCKS.
– IT WAS COOL THAT PEOPLE
COULD DRAW THEIR OWN MEANING
FROM A BUSINESS THAT
WAS JUST THERE TO MAKE MONEY.
– THERE’S A RUMOR
THAT IT MIGHT BE BANKSY
AND WE’RE ALL REALLY EXCITED
ABOUT THAT. – I HAD INADVERTENTLY
CREATED SOMETHING THAT WAS ON PAR WITH ONE OF
THE WORLD’S GREATEST ARTISTS.
– SOMETHING TIED TO AN ART
INSTALLATION.
MAYBE THIS IS BANKSY.
– BEFORE I KNEW IT,
CUPS FROM MY SHOP
WERE SELLING ON EBAY
FOR $500 A PIECE.
AND SWINDLERS WERE EVEN TRYING
TO CASH IN ON THE HYPE
BY HOCKING FAKE MERCHANDISE
OUTSIDE THE STORE.
BY THE END OF THE WEEKEND
I REALIZED THAT DUMB STARBUCKS
WAS A BIGGER IDEA
THAN I EVER THOUGHT IT COULD BE. SO I GATHERED THE WORLDWIDE
MEDIA TO ANNOUNCE THAT WE WERE EXPANDING. [cheers and applause] HI. I’M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE
THAT WE’LL SOON BE OPENING A SECOND DUMB STARBUCKS LOCATION
IN BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, WITHIN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. [cheers and applause] MY BUSINESS WAS NOT ONLY
A BONA FIDE SUCCESS, BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE IT FELT LIKE PEOPLE ACTUALLY
WANTED TO BE AROUND ME. WHATEVER I HAD DONE
RESONATED WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD. AND THE ATTENTION
WAS LIKE SUNLIGHT ON MY SOUL.
MY ENTIRE MARKETING PLAN
DEPENDED ON USING
THEIR CORPORATE LOGO
TO GET ATTENTION.
AND THE ONLY WAY TO LEGALLY DO
IT IS BY USING “DUMB.”
– EVERY MAJOR NETWORK IN AMERICA
WANTED TO KNOW MY STORY. – NATHAN FIELDER. – I WAS INVINCIBLE. AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, THE VIEW
FROM THE TOP WAS PRETTY NICE. WE’RE ALSO FAMOUS
FOR OUR PASTRIES. I BROUGHT YOU SOME, ACTUALLY.
– OH, OKAY. YEAH, GREAT. – I BROUGHT SOME
OF OUR PASTRIES, YEAH. – OH, THOSE LOOK GREAT.
[audience laughs] WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE?
ARE THESE THOSE– – I BROUGHT MUFFINS TOO.
– OH, LOOK AT THAT. – THESE ARE OUR FAMOUS PASTRIES.
– ISN’T THAT WEIRD. IT SAYS VONS ON THE SIDE.
[audience laughs] – I WAS ALL SMILES
AND MY HEAD WAS IN THE CLOUDS. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
REALITY HIT.