The World’s Most Aggressive Telemarketer – Key & Peele


[phone ringing] Hello, this is Gavin. (Colin)
Hi, Gavin, my name
is Colin Valenti. I’m calling from
Master Travel Incorporated to tell you about an exciting
limited-time offer, exclusive Las Vegas getaway. Can I have a few moments
of your time to tell you
about this new package? You know what,
I would love to, but I just don’t have the time. [phone beeps] Hello? Hello? [disconnect tone] Hm. [touch tones beeping] [line trilling] [phone ringing] (Colin)
This is Colin Valenti,
Master Travel Incorporated. How may I be of service? Hi, Colin Valenti. My name is Gavin. I think we just talked. Did we get disconnected? (Colin)
Yeah, no–I mean, yeah,
I hung up on you. Why would you do that? I mean, are you even– Are you even allowed
to do that? (Colin)
Were you going to buy
the Las Vegas package? Well, I mean, probably not,
but that’s not the point. (Gavin)
The point is– [phone beeps] What the hell? [touch tones beeping] [line trilling] (Colin)
This is Colin– Yeah, Valenti.
Listen. (Gavin)
I don’t know what
crawled up your ass and set up shop there,
but you don’t get to hang up– [phone beeps]
[gasps] What? Oh, my g– [line trilling] [phone ringing] (Colin)
What the [bleep] do you want? What is your deal, huh? (Colin)
Um, you don’t want
the Vegas package, so I don’t want to talk. I did us a favor,
wasting our time here. (Gavin)
Stop, stop, don’t you dare hang up that [bleep] phone,
okay? (Colin)
Why shouldn’t I? Why shou– What if I wanted
the Vegas package? Wha–you know what? I want the Vegas package. (Colin)
Sure you do. [phone beeps] What? You mother[bleep]! Oh, my God! You son of a bitch. [line trilling] (Colin)
Come on, man, let it go. [bleep] you, man! [bleep] you! I want five [bleep] packages! Right now–you know what? (Gavin)
You know what?
Where’s my wallet? This is my credit card
number, right here. Okay, listen. Get [bleep] off me. My credit card number
is 0074-5403-0098. The expiration date
is 12-20! And then–and then the–
oh, yeah! The security number is 084! So run the damn card right now! Right [bleep] now! You run it right [bleep] now,
asshole! [suspenseful music] (Colin)
Thank you for your business. Well, I hope
you learned your le– [phone beeps]
[gasps] [screaming] These new call scripts
are really great. Yeah, I know, right? [phone rings] What the [bleep]
do you want, Kathy?

Nathan For You – Failed Business Ideas – Extended


– The one thing I’ve
learned over the years is that you can’t be afraid of failing. In fact on my show when I help businesses I fail all the time. I’m normally shy to show those moments but tonight I’m going
to make an exception. So let’s take a look now at
some of my greatest failures. One of my least popular ideas was for a completely germ-free hot dog stand. At outdoor food carts it’s easy for germs to transfer from money to your food so to completely eliminate this I designed a hands-free method to apply
condiments to the wiener. Also, there would be a second employee whose only job is to handle the money. – What are you doing with the wallet? – We’re doing a germ-free experience so you don’t handle your own money. – [Customer] Oh really? – [Nathan Voiceover] But
people were a bit annoyed with the money handling part. – Can I have my wallet back? – And the hands-free onion dispenser proved to be problematic as well. So you have to up, one up one down, and when it hits the table
the onions will fall. – [Cart Owner] Drop it, keep
droppin’ it, up down, drop it. – [Nathan] Harder. Fast. – [Customer] This is not gonna work. – That’s nothing to do
with the contraption, if you drop a hot dog you drop a hot dog. The public just wasn’t ready for the germ-free hot dog experience. So I laid the concept to rest. Next, I had an idea for a tearless way to tell a child that their pet has died, to be an upsell service
for an animal hospital. The concept was to make a video of the pet while it’s still alive telling the child it’s in animal heaven now. I hired the only voice
actor that responded to my Craigslist ad to be the dog, but when we showed it
to the owner’s child– (fanning harp music) – Oh, it’s me, Madi, I’m in heaven now. So sorry I died, I miss you so much. I’m happy here so I’m not coming home. – No, she doesn’t. – No. – Aw. It’s okay. – [Nathan Voiceover] He
hated his dog’s voice. Another flubbed idea. Next, we all hate paying
those pesky ATM fees that charge us up to three dollars for basically doing nothing. So I designed an ATM that
cleans your card during the transaction so you get
something for your money. No transaction fee, just
a card cleaning fee. But my mistake was that
the washing process took almost seven minutes and
people who were in a hurry got a little frustrated. It still surprised me because the machine was doing a thorough job
but even after all that, people still didn’t think
their cards were clean enough. – This is not clean. – That looks cleaner. – No, there’s still dirt right there. – [Nathan Voiceover] People
just weren’t as excited about it as I had hoped. And lastly, my favorite ideas
don’t just help with business, they’re good for the community as well. So I approached a bar
with an innovative way to stop drunks from
getting behind the wheel. The concept was to have a
street magician stationed outside the bar performing a
magic trick that allows him to secretly test the Blood Alcohol Levels of patrons as they leave. And with my background in
magic I offered to test it out. – For my final trick I’m
gonna need your keys. – My keys? – Yes, great, give the wand a blow. (exhales) Okay, a little bit harder,
right into the top. (hollow whistling) Okay, and you are over the legal limit. – [Man] Okay. – Blood Alcohol so your keys are gone and I cannot give them back to you. – Okay. – Sorry. – [Nathan Voiceover] But
that’s when I realized the flaw in my idea. If I held onto his
keys, and he took a cab, the guy couldn’t get into his apartment. – Could I get my keys please? – I can’t because you’re drunk. – Please give me my keys. – [Nathan Voiceover] And the
only solution at that point was to drive him home. – You live far. – I know I do. – [Nathan Voiceover] Also
once I got him home I realized I couldn’t just give him his
keys until he was asleep, or else he might go out and drive again. – You need to see me sleeping? – I need to see you fall
asleep before I leave your keys or else you might take
them and go out again. You don’t brush your teeth before bed? – Usually not, I usually
brush my teeth in the morning. – Really? – Yup. I know it’s kinda gross
but nobody else is really paying attention to the
way my breath smells. – [Nathan Voiceover] So
I had to put him to bed and make sure he went to sleep. ♫ And if that looking glass gets broke ♫ Mama’s gonna get you a billy goat – [Nathan Voiceover]
Before I left his keys. So as you can see, even the
greatest minds fail sometimes. – [Customer] Ohh!

Dane Cook – Working at Burger King


FIRST JOB I HAD. BURGER KING. [woman laughs] [mocks laugh] [laughter] I’LL COME UP THERE, MA’AM. MY BROTHER GOT ME THE JOB TOO. MY BROTHER GOT ME THE JOB. MM-HMM. HE WAS THE MANAGER,
AND HE GOT ME THE JOB. YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE COOL,
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HE’S MY BRO, BUT HE WAS A [bleep]. [laughter] HE THOUGHT HE WAS
THE BURGER KING. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? HE WOULD PUT ME ON DRIVE-THRU
EVERY NIGHT. WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON YELLING
AT THE DRIVE-THRU? YOU KNOW,
IT’S MODERN TECHNOLOGY. I’D BE THERE
WITH MY LITTLE HEADSET. “HI, WELCOME TO BURGER KING.
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?” [shouts]
“WHOPPER.” [laughter] “SIR–” [shouts]
“WHOPPER, NO ONION.
LARGE FRY.” [laughter] “EXCUSE ME, CHEWBACCA? “I’M BLEEDING
FROM THE EARS HERE, PACINO. “LET’S CALM DOWN. “ALL RIGHT. “WE’RE DEALING WITH FOOD,
NOT MISSILES HERE, GOVERNOR. NOW, DRIVE AROUND!” [laughter] I WOULD RATHER
HAVE HAD PEOPLE YELL. IT WAS WHEN PEOPLE
DIDN’T TALK LOUD ENOUGH. THAT DROVE ME CRAZY. YOU KNOW,
TEN CARS OUT THERE. I’D BE LIKE, “HI, MA’AM,
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?” [muffled, squeaky voice] “MA’AM, HELLO,
CAN I HELP YOU?” “I’LL HAVE THE PICKLES
AND THE SHAKES, “THE SHAKE AND PICKLES, “THE LARGE SHAKES
AND THE PICKLES AND THE PICKLES
AND THE PICKLES.” “ALL RIGHT, MA’AM. “APPARENTLY, YOU WANT
SOME PICKLES.

Death Is Big Business – The Jim Jefferies Show


Tonight
we’re talking about death. Americans hate the topic. It makes them
super-uncomfortable. Even just asking the question,
“How do you think you’ll die?” immediately puts an end
to a blowjob. It — It upsets me,
and I just stop sucking. [ Laughter ] But in the end,
death comes for us all. And it’s not just a fact
of life. It’s big business. Funerals in the United States
are a $20-billion business, partly because
some funeral parlors can take advantage
of grieving families. Man: The average cost
of a modern burial runs from $10,000 to $12,000. Man: The funeral industry
has also been known to engage in predatory
business practices, like selling vulnerable families
add-ons and services that they don’t need. People in mourning
are in no mood to haggle. “Look, look. I understand you’re
going through a hard time. But what if I tell you
what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna throw in the leather
interior and the undercoating. I’ll even give you a cup holder.
[ Chuckles ] At, uh, at these prices, you should tellmesorry
formyloss.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Funerals are also bad for
the people who are still alive. Man: Formalin,
the formaldehyde-based preservative solution
embalmers use is incredibly toxic. OSHA deems it
a dangerous carcinogen. To embalm a typical body requires 3 pounds
of this formalin solution and sends 120 gallons
of untreated funeral waste directly into the sewage system. Why are we preserving
dead bodies? Open-casket funerals are creepy. Why would anyone want to see
a more [bleep]-able version of your grandma? As if you could make her
more [bleep]-able. She kept it plenty tight. And speaking of tight, sooner or later,
we’re going to run out of room. Man: Modern burials
are also incredibly wasteful. The average gravesite takes up 32 square feet of land
in a cemetery. The only thing
that takes up more space and is just as wasteful
as cemeteries — golf courses. Now, it would be great
if we could combine the two, but that would be ridiculous. [ Laughter ] Though, you could combine them
if it was mini-golf. “Okay. What you want to do is bank off
Grandpa’s headstone, through the
industrial-accident windmill, into the waiting mouth of
Uncle Terry for the easy par.” Space is already an issue at the revered
Arlington National Cemetery, which might start
making it harder to get in. Without any type of change
in eligibility and expansion, by 2041,
we’re gonna be out of room. We could restrict eligibility to those who perish
on active duty, Medal of Honor recipients,
and Valor Awards. So even being wounded
doesn’t guarantee you a spot. So Rambo’s not
getting into Arlington? That’s what you’re saying?!
Rambo?! Is this the America
you want to live in?! [ Cheers and applause ] If a place like Arlington
is having trouble, why even have cemeteries? The only thing they’re good for
is giving teenagers who are “going through a phase” a place to smoke and get under
the shirt and over the bra. [Meekly]
“I…I don’t know. I-I just feel like I’m at home
in graveyards. [ Chuckles softly ] I guess that makes me
pretty weird, huh?” [ Laughter ] It’s true that burial after
death is becoming less popular. Only 43.5% are going that route
while 50.2% choose cremation. And the other remaining 6.3%? Their bodies
will never be found. [ Laughter ] Trust me. [ Laughter ] We need better options
beyond burial and cremation. Death would be so much better if the body simply left
no trace. But is that even possible? Man: Swedish scientists
asked that same question and developed something
called “promession.” It’s a process where you freeze
a corpse in liquid nitrogen, rapidly vibrate the body
so it breaks into millions of tiny particles
in just a few minutes, then freeze-dry the particles
and remove the harmful metals left over from
your dental fillings. You’re left with a fine dust. Now, that’s a good plan! It’s also the origin story of the lesser-known Marvel
superhero Swedish Dust Man. After an IKEA dresser
crushed his parents, he was frozen
with liquid nitrogen. Now with a little help
from his sidekick, Allen Key, his dust particles
are ready to [bleep] shit up Stockholm style! When I go, I want to be useful. Use every part of me.
Harvest my organs. Sell my teeth to someone else.
They’re not even mine. My — My scrotum would make
a lovely baby’s hat. Turn my forearms
into spatulas. Practical, kitschy. And every time
my son flips a burger, he’ll think of me. Because I’m also the burger. Nobody needs to be
remembered forever. What’s the point of a monument
or a gravestone? Maybe someone remembers you
for a generation or two at best. But after that, it’s just
a thing for kids to kick around whilst making fun of your name. “Ha-ha-ha-Ha-ha! Dick Butts!” But if your ego is so big and you just have to
leave something behind, get something smaller
and cheaper like a bobblehead. It’ll look like you. Your body can do
different activities. Maybe you like tennis.
I don’t know you. And just think
how your family will feel when they visit
your final resting place. Ahh… On a windy day,
it can be very emotional.

Key & Peele – Country Music


HEY, ALL I KNOW IS ITS GOOD HAVING ANOTHER BROTHER
MOVE INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. – HEY, MAN, IT’S GOOD
TO HAVE YOU OVER. AND I THINK
THAT YOU WILL DIG THIS. – ALL RIGHT. HEY!
– HUH? – NICE GUITAR COLLECTION.
– OH, THANKS, MAN. HEY, YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING? – YEAH, SURE.
– ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT,
LET’S GET THIS STARTED. LET’S GET THIS STARTED. [playing guitar] ♪ WELL, I’M JUST
A GOOD OLD AMERICAN BOY ♪ ♪ WITH A HEART
THAT’S RED, WHITE, AND TRUE ♪ ♪ I’M DREAMIN’ OF THE GIRL
WITH THE RED HAIR AND FRECKLES ♪ ♪ AND HER EYES LIKE
THE SKIES OF BLUE ♪ – COUNTRY MUSIC. – YEAH, I GREW UP IN TEXAS.
YOU KNOW, SO… – ALL RIGHT. – ♪ KEEP HER SAFE
FROM THE HOMIES ♪ ♪ IN THE WRONG SIDE
OF TOWN ♪ ♪ WHERE THEY’RE SMOKIN’ THE
REEFER AND ACTING LIKE CLOWNS ♪ ♪ KEEP THAT PRETTY WHITE DRESS
FROM GETTING DIRTY AND BROWN ♪ ♪ ‘CAUSE THAT’S
THE AMERICAN WAY ♪ WOO-HOO! – WHOA. PRETTY RACIST SONG. [both laugh] – RACIST?
AGAINST WHO? – BLACK PEOPLE.
– BLACK PEOPLE? BUT I’M BLACK.
[laughs] – WELL, KEEPING
THE REDHEADED GIRL AWAY FROM THE HOMIES
ON THE WRONG SIDE OF TOWN? – HOMIES? COME ON, BROTHER.
THERE’S ALL KINDS OF HOMIES. YOU KNOW, WHITE HOMIES,
ASIAN HOMIES. – NO, HOMIES ARE BLACK. – NO, I THINK YOU’RE
MAKING THEM BLACK, MAN. I THINK THAT’S YOUR STUFF. YOU HEAR THE TWANG AND THEN
YOU ASSUME THAT IT’S RACIST. BUT THAT’S JUST
WHAT COUNTRY MUSIC IS LIKE. HERE, LOOK, YOU’RE
GONNA LIKE THIS ONE. YOU’LL LIKE THIS ONE.
– ALL RIGHT. – [playing guitar] ♪ SOME FOLKS WEAR THEIR HATS
WAY OFF TO THE SIDE ♪ ♪ WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN LOW
AND A GUN TUCKED INSIDE ♪ ♪ TAKE THEIR BEER BY THE 40
AND THEIR CHICKEN DEEP-FRIED ♪ ♪ I THINK WE ALL KNOW
WHO WE’RE TALKING ABOUT ♪ ♪ THE ONLY DARK I LIKE
IS WHEN I TURN OFF THE LIGHTS ♪ ♪ THE ONLY HOOD I LOVE
IS POINTY AND WHITE ♪ ♪ CAN’T TRUST YOU
IF I CAN’T ♪ ♪ SEE YOUR FACE
AT NIGHT ♪ ♪ I THINK WE ALL KNOW
WHO WE’RE TALKING ABOUT ♪ – ALL RIGHT, WAIT. HEY! STOP THAT. THAT’S RACIST. – WHAT’S–WHAT?
WHAT IS RACIST ABOUT IT? – “THE ONLY HOOD I LOVE
IS POINTY AND WHITE”? – YEAH, MAN. – THAT’S TALKING
ABOUT THE KLAN, MAN. – THE KU KLUX KLAN?
ARE YOU OUTSIDE OF YOUR MIND? THAT’S TRADITIONAL
COUNTRY MUSIC IMAGERY, MAN, LIKE A PICKUP TRUCK
OR SLEEPING UNDER THE STARS, OR YOUR DOG GOT KILLED
OR YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU. SAME THING! – I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE
WITH ANY OF THOSE THINGS. – WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THOSE THINGS AND WHAT IS IN THE SONG? – THEY’RE NOT RACIAL! – HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING, MAN? I’M JUST GONNA BE FRANK. YOU’RE GETTING A LITTLE,
LIKE, AL SHARPTON, LIKE, FARRAKHAN
ON ME RIGHT NOW. – OH, MY GOD.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? – YO, DUDE, DUDE, PLEASE.
HEY, CAN I DO ONE MORE? LET ME JUST
DO ONE MORE, DOG. I ABSOLUTELY PROMISE YOU
THAT THIS SONG IS NOT RACIST AND IT’S IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU
TO MISINTERPRET IT AS SUCH. – OKAY, IT SEEMS LIKE
YOU’RE ABOUT TO SING THE MOST RACIST SONG
SO FAR. – I’M NOT. ♪ HIDEY-LIDEY-LIDEY-LEE ♪ ♪ GET ME A ROPE
AND FIND ME A TREE ♪ – OKAY, I’M OUT. – COME ON, MAN. HEY! SHOOT. I’M OVER HERE TRYING
TO SING ABOUT A TIRE SWING. GONNA WRITE OFF
AN ENTIRE GENRE OF MUSIC. [playing guitar] ♪ THE BANJOS ARE STRUMMING,
AND THE DRUMS ARE A-BANGIN’ ♪ ♪ LET’S GET THE BOYS TOGETHER
AND HAVE OURSELVES A-HANGIN’ ♪ OH, DAMN. NOW I SEE IT.
NOW I SEE IT.

An Office Prank Goes Way Too Far – Key & Peele


– [laughing]
COOLIO, MAN. OH, YEAH, “SOITAINLY.” OH, HEY,
I GOTTA GO. YEAH, TERRY OUT. – TERRY,
HOW YOU DOING, MAN? – HEY, PRETTY GOOD,
GABE. OH, GOT SOMETHING
ON YOUR SHIRT. – NOT TODAY, TERRY. – LOOKS LIKE GABE’S
COME OUT TO PLAY. YOU DO HAVE SOMETHING
ON YOUR SHIRT, DUDE. – NO, I DON’T.
– YEAH, YOU KIND OF DO. – NO, I’M PRETTY SURE I DON’T.
– GOT A CLEAN SHIRT AT MY DESK IF YOU WANT ME
TO GET IT FOR YOU. – DON’T SEE WHY
THAT WOULD BE NECESSARY. – BECAUSE THE SHIRT
YOU HAVE ON RIGHT NOW, IT’S NOT CLEAN.
– EXCEPT FOR THAT IT IS. – ME, I HAVE A CLEAN SHIRT.
– OH. – YOU, YOU HAVE SOME SCHMUTZ
ON YOUR JAMMY-JAM. – NO, THERE IS NO SCHMUTZ
ON MY JAMMY-JAM. – YOKNOW WHAT?
WHY DON’T I JUST GET IT FOR YOU? – YEAH, WHY DON’T YOU DO THAT?
– YEAH. AND THERE WE GO. – DID YOU GET IT? – [laughing] I ALMOST GOT YOU. I WAS THAT CLOSE.
– ALMOST, YEAH. – I MEAN, I’M THINKING,
“DAMN, HE’S GOOD.” [both laughing] BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
THE FUNNY THING IS? – WHAT’S WHAT? – NOW I GUESS FROM WHEN I DABBED YOUR SHIRT
WITH THE PAPER TOWEL, AND I’M NOT PLAYING
THE GAME RIGHT NOW, BUT I ACTUALLY–I MUST HAVE GOT
SOME PAPER-TOWEL FUZZ ON YOUR SHIRT, SO… [dramatic music] ♪ ♪ – HEY, HOW LONG HAS KAREN BEEN
WEARING HER HAIR UP LIKE THAT? – I DON’T WANT YOU
TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT. AND I’M SORRY
IT HAPPENED. – HEY, TERRY,
WHAT’S GOING ON? – UH, NOTHINING.
– HAVING A GOOD MORNING? – YE–
– I’M HAVING A [bleep] TERRIFIC MORNING. – GREAT. – HOPE THERE IS NOTHING
ON MY SHIRT. ‘CAUSE
I CAN’T LOOK DOWN. – OH, NO, DUDE, WE’RE NOT DOING
THAT RIGHT NOW, OKAY? THERE’S NOTHING
ON YOUR SHIRT. NO ONE CARES
ABOUT YOUR SHIRT. EVERYTHING’S NOT
ABOUT YOU. I’M TRYING TO HAVE
A CONVERSATION WITH KAREN RIGHT NOW, SO… – YOU OKAY, TERRY?
– IT JUST PISSES ME OFF. [cell phone vibrates] – [screams] I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
THERE’S NO WAY– OH, YEAH, YEAH,
I DO HAVE SCHMUTZ. THERE’S SCHMUTZ
ALL OVER ME NOW. HE CAN’T DENY THAT. TERRY’S NOT GOING TO KNOW
WHAT HIT HIM. [laughs]
I WILL WIN! WHAT–
WHAT HAPPENED? – TERRY DIED. – I’LL BE RIGHT BACK. HEY, TERRY. IT’S GABE. I, UM–I JUST WANTED
TO LET YOU KNOW THAT, UM… THAT YOU DIDN’T GET ME, TERRY. YOU DIDN’T GET ME, BECAUSE ON THE DAY
THAT YOU DIED, THERE WAS SCHMUTZ
ON MY SHIRT. SO GUESS WHO WINS
THE GAME, TERRY. I DO. I WIN.
[laughing] YOU LOSE. AAH! [crying]
OH, TERRY. HE FLICKED ME.

Key & Peele – Consequences


[school bell rings] [indistinct chatter] OKAY, STUDENTS, SETTLE DOWN. SETTLE DOWN. THAT INCLUDES YOU,
MR. RODRIGUEZ. DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THE MILK
CARTON OFF OF YOUR HEAD? THANK YOU SO MUCH. WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST TODAY. HE’S FROM THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, AND HE’S A FORMER GANG MEMBER, AND HE’S COMING HERE
THIS MORNING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT LIFE CHOICES. SO, PLEASE, GIVE A WARM
CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL WELCOME TO DONNIE HERRERA. [applause] – I USED TO BE JUST LIKE YOU… [melancholy piano music] JUST LIKE YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU. USED TO CLOWN AROUND… MAKE FUN OF THE PRINCIPAL… PUT MILK ON MY HEAD, JUST LIKE YOU, RODRIGUEZ. AND THEN… I GOT HIT WITH AIDS. CONSEQUENCES. GOT INTO SOME
REAL TROUBLE, BOY. STOLE FROM MY MOM AND DAD… STOLE FROM MY OWN SISTER! AND THEN ONE DAY… A PIANO FELL ON MY HEAD. – WHAT?
– CONSEQUENCES. – I FEEL LIKE
HE MISSED A STEP THERE. – GAVE ME 88 CONCUSSIONS, ONE FOR EACH KEY. YOU’D THINK I’M LEARNING,
BUT, NO. SEE, I’M JUST LIKE YOU. I GOT BACK OUT THERE, STARTED MAKING
SOME REAL CRIMES, HOMEBOY. OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. AND THEN… I GOT TRAMPLED
BY A HERD OF BUFFALO. – WHAT?
– CONSEQUENCES. – OKAY, DONNIE,
I THINK WE’VE HAD ENOUGH. – NOT DONE WITH MY STORY! I WAS LIKE YOU! I DECIDED IT’D BE COOL TO HANG OUT
WITH SOME OF THE TOUGH KIDS. MM. YOU KNOW
WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT. THEY WERE HANGING
ON THE STREETS LATE AT NIGHT. MORE THAN
CIGARETTE SMOKERS, HOMES. AND THEN… ONE DAY I GOT SHOT
OUT OF A CATAPULT. – THAT’S IT.
OKAY. – INTO THE MOUTH OF A DRAGON! – STUDENTS, EVERYTHING YOU’VE
HEARD HERE TODAY IS A LIE. – I DON’T LIE ANYMORE. – YOU’RE ALL EXCUSED. – LOOK AT ME!
– PLEASE, I APOLOGIZE. – I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE! – THANK YOU, AURELIO. I APOLOGIZE, DENISE. – SO I GOT REALLY DEEP
INTO CRIME. I DID A DRIVE-BY AT MY OWN
DAUGHTER’SQUINCEAÑERA!YEAH, SHOT UP EVERYBODY–
DEAD, KILLED! YEAH! YEAH! THEN I GOT SUCKED
INTO A WORMHOLE. CONSEQUENCES. – THAT’S IT. OKAY.
EVERYBODY GO. – I WAS IN ANOTHER DIMENSION, TRIED TO INTRODUCE
MY OWN PARENTS TO EACH OTHER. ALMOST FAILED.
ARM WAS DISAPPEARING. – I’VE HAD IT. – I INVENTEDJOHNNY B. GOODE
AT MY PARENTS’ PROM, AND AT THE LAST MOMENT,
THEY KISSED, AND IT CAME BACK. – THE FASTER WE GET AWAY
FROM HIM, THE BETTER. – BUT NOBODY BELIEVE ME! WHERE’S MY CRACK?
WHERE’S MY CRACK? OH. [booming crash] OH! CONSEQUENCES!

Key & Peele – Office Homophobe


[rhythmic bass beat,
sensual moans] ♪ ♪ – LATRELL? – WHAT’S UP, BABY GIRL? – CAN YOU PLEASE TURN
THAT OFF? – WHY, YOU DON’T LIKE MY MUSIC?
– IS IT MUSIC? BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE A BUNCH
OF SEX NOISES OVER A BASS LINE. – OH. I GET IT. YOU DON’T LIKE MY MUSIC
‘CAUSE I’M GAY. YOU CAN’T HANDLE
A GAY MAN’S MUSIC. – NO, NO, NO. IT’S–I’M TRYING TO WORK HERE, AND THAT MUSIC
IS WEIRDLY SEXUAL. – OH, I SEE. SO MY SEXUALITY IS WEIRD. YOU JUST CAN’T FATHOM A MAN
BEING ATTRACTED TO ANOTHER MAN. – I CAN FATHOM IT.
IT’S– CAN YOU JUST PLEASE LISTEN
TO SOME OTHER GAY MUSIC, LIKE BARBRA STREISAND
OR SOMETHING– – OH, I SEE, I SEE.
OKAY. SO LISTENING
TO BARBRA STREISAND IS GAY. STEREOTYPE MUCH? [keys clacking] SO YOU SEEING
ANYBODY LATELY? – YEAH, I-I MEAN, KIND OF. I THINK– – ‘CAUSE I GOT IT GOOD
LAST NIGHT. OH, IT WAS LIKE, DAMN!
I MEAN, MY MAN WAS LIKE, BLOP! LIKE, HE HAD A BABY ARM HOLDING
ON TO A APPLE. – AW, DON’T CALL IT
A BABY ARM. – AW. I SEE. SO YOU CAN’T HANDLE HEARING
ABOUT HOW I’M GAY. I’M SORRY. – YOU JUST REFERRED
TO YOUR BOYFRIEND’S PENIS AS A BABY’S ARM
HOLDING AN APPLE. – WELL, THAT’S WHAT
IT LOOKED LIKE. AND IT’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND,
BY THE WAY. AND “ANYWHATS,”
YOU’RE HOMOPHOBIC. – NO, NO, NO.
THAT’S NOT HOMOPHOBIC, OKAY? YOU’RE EXPLICITLY TALKING
ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS IN THE WORKPLACE. – FINE. THERE’S PLENTY OF STUFF
THAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT. YOU KNOW, UH, MY PENIS CUP, MY SCROTUM COZIES THAT I HAVE
BEEN KNITTING RECENTLY– OH, WITH THESE KNITTING NEEDLES
THAT I HAVE JUST NOTICED LOOK LIKE LITTLE, SKINNY,
PURPLE PENISES, ET CETERA AND ET CETERA. – OH, MY GOD. – CAN I SHOW YOU A PICTURE, AND THEN YOU TELL ME
IF IT’S GOOD FOR FACEBOOK? – OKAY, I’M FAIRLY CERTAIN
YOU’RE GOING TO SHOW ME SOMETHING OVERTLY SEXUAL. – DON’T YOU PREJUDGE ME!
HERE IT IS. – AGH! [bleep]! THAT’S A CLOSE-UP
OF AN ANUS. – OH, NO, THAT’S NOTANANUS. THAT’S MY ANUS, BABY GIRL. – THAT’S DISGUSTING.
– OH, I SEE. SO YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE
A CLOSE-UP PICTURE OF MY ANUS ‘CAUSE YOU HATE GUY MEN. – NO. I DON’T WANT TO LOOK
AT A CLOSE-UP PICTURE OF ANYONE’S ANUS. – HOMOPHOBE. HOMOPHOBE.
THERE’S A HOMOPHOBE RIGHT HERE. HO–
[blows whistle] HOMOPHOBE ALERT! [high-pitched voice]
HOMOPHOBE! [imitating siren wailing] – HEY. – HEY, BABY.
HOW’S IT GOING? – GOOD.
READY TO GO TO LUNCH? – YEAH. UH, LATRELL, THIS IS GAVIN. GAVIN, THIS IS LATRELL.
THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND. – HOW YOU DOING? – I’M–I’M–
I’M DOING VERY WELL. HOW–HOW ARE YOU DOING,
GAVIN–GAVIN? – GREAT. WANT TO GO?
– YEAH. – NICE TO MEET YOU. – NO, TRUST ME.
IT’S NOT. – NO?
– THAT’S THE GUY. – OH. – OH…
I GET IT. I’M NOT PERSECUTED.
I’M JUST A ASSHOLE. AH.

Boarding Order – Key & Peele


– Good morning ladies and
gentlemen, we are about to begin boarding South Northern Airlines, flight 34 to Grand Rapids. – Okay, excuse me, boarding group one. I’m gonna board in group one, excuse me, I’m in boarding group one. – And we would like to
begin pre-boarding with our first class passengers. First class passengers only, please. Next, our business class
passengers may now board. Okay now we would like
to welcome our Regal Alliance Elite members. Regal Alliance Elite members. Okay now all passengers with children. Anyone with small children,
you may board now. Okay we would like to continue boarding with uniformed military personnel. – What? Why can’t? This is, thank you for your service. Thank you so much for your
service, God bless you. – Thank you for your service. Thank you for your service. Alright people in wheelchairs. Any priests, nuns, rabis, emoks. – What, why do they get special treatment? – Assalamualalaikum. – I’ve never. That’s typical. – Any old people in
wheelchairs with babies. (baby crying) Any old religious people
with military babies. – What’s a military? – Thank you for your service. Jason Schwartzman. Anyone with a blue
suitcase you may now board. – Finally. – Nope, not you, sir. – Not me? This is a blue suitcase. – That’s a blue computer bag. – So you’re not gonna let me on then. Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn
it, damn it, damn it! God damn it! – Anyone who doesn’t seem cranky. Drunk people. We will now be boarding any drunk people. Drunk people. – Nope, it’s my bag. Sir. It’s. – Oh. Hello? Oh, hey Christian. Yeah, totally. Well you have your favorites
and I have my favorites. Okay. Call you later, chow, chow. Boarding group one. (dramatic music) – [Man] Jason Schwartzman! – [Man] Jason Schwartzman,
pick up your hand. Trying to find you, Jason. Jason Schwartzman. – [Man] I got him! I got Schwartzman here! Everyone, Jason Schwartzman’s fine. (cheering) We got Jason Schwartzman,
let’s rap it up people. – Boarding group one over here. Boarding group one.

Office Staff Works In a Pool – Mini-Mocks


– I’m always looking for the
path of least resistance. Which is why I moved my
entire office into a pool. I’m Rich Lewis and I
run the world’s only fully ergonomic aquatic office. I had watched my
team try everything to make their life at
work more comfortable. Standing desks, exercise
balls, walking desks, I’ve even got a freelancer
who started working remotely in an elaborate bed desk system. But everything changed
once we got in the water. Now that gravity isn’t
holding the team down, profits and morale are going up. Even our remote workers wanna
come to the office these days. People assume it’s expensive but we had some extra budget
at the end of the fiscal year and you know what they say, if you don’t use
it, you lose it. Obviously there were a number
of logistical questions. The biggest one being, how
do we get the electronics in the water? Isn’t it dangerous? It was actually pretty easy. We used commercial
grade plastic wrap and just like that we’re
in business in the water. And for paper, a quick trip
to the laminator does the job. It’s honestly not all that
different from a normal office. Our casual Friday is
admittedly a bit more casual. Some people worry about their
staff getting too comfortable and them getting complacent. I just don’t think that’s
gonna be an issue here. The ups and downs of office
politics haven’t disappeared. But the issues are different. And the facilities staff
are very understanding about the changes. I’ve always been
inspired by Bruce Lee who said, be like water, you put water in a cup
it becomes the cup. You put water in a bottle,
it becomes the bottle. And when you put
your staff in water, you gotta hire a lifeguard. (girl screaming) (splashing water) (electric shock sound) that’s not good. (upbeat music)