Baekjin and Yuri at Esteem flea market [Boss in the Mirror/ENG/2020.01.26]


(Boss that’s generous and giving, CEO Kim) (Living within view of Namsan) (Boss Kim’s home) (Both hands full) Is it food? For a holiday meal? It’s a truck. She must be moving. (Boss Kim, loading luggage onto a truck) (An exercise bike?) What is going on? Minguk, load everything on one side. – On one side? / – Careful. Don’t get it scratched. She isn’t moving. People start with large furniture when they move. (A few days ago) During the 2019 Korea Sale Festa, we participated as sellers at the flea market. Were there a lot of people? Several thousand. Really? The celebrity model Hyuk was there. He had three suitcases full of items. He sold it all. Really? (ESteem did great at the flea market) They’re good at it. (Smiling while hoping for praise) Instead of joining other flea markets, we could hold one ourselves. (Why so suddenly?) It takes work. – Even for a good cause. / – Indeed. We’ll ask all employees to participate. (All employees asked to participate…) All employees… We can raise money for a charity in time for the New Year. It’s for a good cause… It won’t take any work if we hold it here. We’ll use our basement hall. They’re hesitating to answer. Since it’ll take work. I’ll join in. It’s my first time. It’ll be fun. You’ll join as a seller, not a buyer? Sure, as a seller. Make sure to buy my items. Perhaps I shouldn’t have inspired her. I thought that maybe I should skip over those things in future reports. Blaming his big mouth… Either this year or next year, I want to hold a large flea market as a charity fundraiser. This was a test run. (That’s how the flea market started) She has a lot of items. She even rented a truck. – She probably has nice items. / – Yes. Had we known, we would’ve stopped by. (Why does she have so much luggage?) Are those all necessary? (She still has more?) (What is that?) Oh, my. (A mattress) People will think she’s moving out. Who’ll buy that mattress? That’s a really nice one. Made in Italy. It’s made in Italy? Besides, I’ve used that since around 1997. It holds the energy of my business success. If the mattress is that old, shouldn’t it be thrown away? No, it’s in great shape. Isn’t it bad for your back? Energy is the key factor. It bears the energy of success. (Will anyone buy that mattress?) We can go now. Let’s hurry. We have to sell these. You’re selling that hula hoop too? Yes. It didn’t fall from the roof? She never exercises. Others will probably raid their closets, but I’ll raid my entire house. (Too passionate) What are you doing? (ESteem offices) (Works Team setting up the flea market) It should be aligned. They make good use of this space. (Now directing company events too) This is just work, not a flea market. (Setting up tables and clothes racks) They always do things properly. Since they have so many employees… Seems like a great event. Selling items you don’t use at home. – Right. / – Exactly. Items that only take up space. It’s like preparing a fashion event. It practically is. But it was open to employees only. – Not to non-employees. / – No. (Crowded) How did we end up with this big group? (Because of Boss Kim) We made sure to be prepared. We didn’t want it to look scanty. Leave just enough walking space for us. Everyone brought so much stuff. Who is that? It’s Noma. – It’s Noma? / – Yes. His face looks so different… – In different outfits. / – Right. I thought he was someone else. (Model Team has a lot of clothes) They had seven sellers from the Model Team. Clothes owned by models… – Yes. / – Can’t wait to see them. Alluring items. They had such pretty things. All “it” items. Seeing clothes on models makes you want to buy them. (Model Team’s unique, fashionable items) We’re betting on unique, fashionable items chosen by models. (From embroidered clothing) (To sportswear) (Even matching outfits for dog owners) Wow, a matching outfit. What was the price level? Around $10 to $20. $10 to $20? For those items? Luxury items sold at such low prices? Yes. Gosh, those will be a hit. I never used these after buying them. (Works Team has three sellers) The Works Teams had a lot of luxury brand items. We decided to sell good, brand-new items at low prices. Oh, my. Luxury brand items… Director Choi usually wears luxury items. He works with luxury brand clients. – Right. / – The Works Team… Usually shops at sample sales. Brand items… Hyunmoo loves them. Why didn’t you call him? (Upset) I would’ve canceled a TV shoot to go. I didn’t want to see you decked out in logos. Even so… – Logos or not… / – Those are great deals. Those are called “new in box.” – Right. / – New items in their original boxes. They have so many “new in box” items. Yes. (Flea market showing each team’s flair) (Betting on quantity) (Appearing with household goods) We need help for this. (Boss Kim, getting employees to help) She’s making a hassle. Hey guys, help me move my things. Sure. The others brought things like clothes, but she created a hassle by bringing a mattress. I’m guessing it wasn’t sold. Gosh. – Help me unload the mattress. / – What’s that? Minguk… It’s from CEO Kim’s home. Is she moving? Is she moving or what? A mattress she isn’t using? They’re all the things you need. Even if someone buys the mattress, they’ll have to hire a delivery van. (Whether sold or not, it’s a problem) Right. It’ll cost more to hire the van. It’ll cost more. It has to be lowered. (First obstacle cleared) You’ll need to hold the middle. All set? (A tougher obstacle ahead) (Stairs) It’s as if she’s moving. Hold on. Lift it up. – Oh, my. / – Lift it up. What in the world? It’s caught in the doorway. Don’t get any dust on it. Hold on. (Total disaster) Don’t drag it. Hold it with care. Director Choi might collapse! There’s a doorway ahead. All set. Why did she bring this? (Who is this mattress for?) I’m guessing it won’t be sold. She’ll have to take it back. She’ll call the ward office to dispose of it. (All eyes on the mattress) (You thought that was all?) There’s still a lot of things. The oddest things ever. “The oddest things,” they say. Unloaded by ten employees… (Oversized suitcase entering) Well, it’s for a good cause. (Boss Kim’s gigantic items) My, goodness. Aren’t these household items? Didn’t you ever visit Dongmyo? But this isn’t Dongmyo. Are you moving abroad? A flea market should be like Dongmyo. Clothes aren’t the only items sold at flea markets. You sell your life at flea markets. – Your history. / – Right. The next time she wants to hold a flea market, we could make things easier by simply going to her home. Let’s hurry and hang these for her. (Unloading her bags is the next task) A person could fit in here. There are so many clothes. It’s an endless pile. (What is this?) What… Are these? Pajamas. What is it? – Your pajamas? / – Pajamas. Jimin, there’s a clothes iron too. These items… Aren’t you going too far with these? What is it? This… It’s a whisk. No one will buy a whisk. There’s an ice cream scoop. She actually had an ice cream scoop at home? I’ll be the no. 1 seller today. She always wants to be no. 1. (Wooden trays appear) Those are wooden trays. It’s hard to find those things. Those wooden trays look nice. They do, right? Yes. Gosh, it’s so heavy. (This is incredible!) A Dharma painting… Is it a Dharma painting? – That’s incredible. / – Dharma… (Mosquito repellent) Mosquito repellent? Mosquito repellent… (Mosquito repellent and light bulbs too) There are people who use those light bulbs. Are things like these sold at flea markets? (Yes! I’ll be the no. 1 seller!) Have you seen the Hwanghak market? These are Hwanghak-style items. (Somewhere between Hwanghak and Dongmyo) It does have Hwanghak vibes. That’s funny. (Introducing Boss Kim’s items) She’s quite brave. Bringing mosquito repellent and such. It’s as if an entire house emptied and brought here. (Pajamas, frying pan, sewing kit, mosquito repellent) What’s that beside the iron? A handheld vacuum. Does it work? Of course. Didn’t the color turn a bit yellow? It’s in great shape. – Really? / – Yes. She’s selling plant caddies? Plant caddies like that are surprisingly tempting items. She saved them instead of tossing them out. She held onto them. They’re useful items. Right. Does that clock still work? Sure, it works. – It works? Does it chime? / – How pretty. Sure, it does. Everything works fine. – Does the vacuum work? / – Sure. Does the mattress still have springs? (A luxury clock that costs $1,000!) – Jimin? / – Yes. Line up the employees. Let’s open the market. (Doors open onto the EStudio Team) Good-quality items. Sold by the EStudio Team. It’s like a shop. Suddenly, there’s Hwanghak market. Director Choi’s team has luxury brand items. They have high-quality clothes. That’s the Marketing Team. (Finally, the Entertainment Team) (Flea market opened, accepting cash or credit) CEO Kim is taking up the most space, isn’t she? She has the best spot. Right. (Word of mouth reached these guests) A lot of people are arriving. Come here. Let’s attract buyers. Hey guys! (Passionate quest for no. 1) (Can’t get used to this sight) Guys, these are all for sale. – You don’t have to look. / – Look at Minguk. (Employee’s effort to sell the exercise bike) Sellers put on a show when their items aren’t likely to sell. (Mind cleared of all thoughts) (Under the watchful eyes of Boss Kim) Good. The visitors aren’t coming over there. (Exercising on the bike until buyers arrive) (Buyers finally arrive!) (Hard at work) This is for sale. Sold as a set. Buy the exercise bike to get this for free. She’ll get a lot of exercise done today. Take a look. I have plant caddies. Need any light bulbs? Great for people who live alone. (What era are these things from?) I have trays. (Boss Kim’s display has everything) (But nothing they want to buy…) They’re drifting away. Going to the Model Team. She doesn’t have a single buyer. (Why isn’t anyone buying?) – How much is this? / – It’s brand new. How much is it? It’s $24. It’s $24. (Clothes iron, $24) (Looking carefully) Everything’s there. I never used it. (A wavering customer) Forget about it. No need to rummage like that. (A reminder, she’s ESteem’s CEO) I wouldn’t scam anyone. (Another customer leaving) She left without buying it? (Doesn’t she want to sell her things?) (Crowded) She looks displeased. Saying “forget about it” was… – Look at the crowd. / – Indeed. You chased away the buyer when you said, “forget about it.” I didn’t expect her to leave. People who hear that usually think, “Oh? It must be a good item.” Right. But she left in a hurry. (Employees didn’t fall for it) Minguk, no one is coming here. (Other teams overrun by buyers) – There’s no one there. / – What’ll we do? What’ll they do with that mattress? Maybe they don’t know it’s a sales booth. (Attracting buyers with luxury brand items) That team has a sea of people. Luxury dress shoes… Wow, look at those shoes. So pretty. The people are interested. You know how much it costs in a store? Over $1,000. Here, it’s $200. It’s brand new. Never used. You can have it for $20. – $20? / – Yes. Since it’s for charity. I’ll take it. I want to buy Director Choi’s items. (Works Team sales tactic) We’re all interested in his items. There’s a bunch of items here. It’s pretty, isn’t it? – How much? / – $10. It’s brand new. A Dior item for $100. $100 for a Dior item? Why didn’t you call me? Hyunmoo should’ve been there. – How upsetting. / – Hyunmoo… Could’ve bought so many great items. A luxury brand jacket for only $100… Givenchy trousers for $250. They probably cost several thousand dollars. Indeed. (High quality, affordable prices) Looks nice. It’s a hot brand. (Street fashion too, they have it all) This is $50. Noma is good at sales. (Can’t help buying at this booth) They were all doing great as sellers. (Empty) I don’t think they know it’s a sales booth. They think it’s storage. (Is it storage or part of the flea market?) They don’t know it’s a sale booth. How come no one is there? (Worried) Look at her expression. (Visiting the Works Team) Come help me out. You’re only selling your stuff. What’s your price for that bag? – How much is it? / – That one? Isn’t that a brand item? Yes, the “B” brand. That’s a really pricey item. (Thinking) That’s quite an old model. Don’t think too hard. – Reply fast. / – You can’t hesitate. The buyers will leave if you do. If you hesitate, they’ll go. – They’ll put it back down. / – This is tough. Try doing this. Ask me the price. How much is that? – This? / – Looks nice. I bought it for $5,000, but you can have it for $600. Say it like that. Then they’ll buy it. Sure, they will. Noma wants to buy this for $100. Let’s sell it for $100. It’s worth more. You can’t say that. Isn’t that right? (Why did she bring it anyway?) Once you say that, you have to… – Take it back home. / – You lose your buyer. – You have to take it home. / – Since… Flea market sales are now or never. What was the original price? How much did you pay for it? That cost about $3,000. (Gosh) But keeping that jacket for a long time… Yes. Will give it a vintage appeal, right? Especially on models. I brought items I could sell at a high price point… – To raise more money. / – Yes. To raise money for the charity. The clothes go to our employees anyway. – Right. / – But I didn’t realize… It was a luxury item until I heard the price. Finally? Buyers? Did you sell anything yet? The management has to step forward. Do you want to become rich? – Sure. / – Of course. Then look here. I bought this mattress in 1996. 1996? For the past 30 years, all my energy seeped into this. (Precious mattress with all my energy) You gave $10,000 worth of clothes… – To that Managing Director, right? / – Yes. – She’s the one, right? / – Right. And yet… She should buy the mattress. She should buy it and throw it away. She can throw it away. She can get rid of it for her. You know what makes the best gift for mothers? A plastic mat for making kimchi. (Moms’ favorite, plastic mat for making kimchi) That’s nice. The kimchi mat got the best reaction. – That’s nice. / – Buy this and get… A free heating pack. She’s tying in items. (She isn’t an easy buyer) (They said sales was all about timing!) You’ll get another free gift. To drive away heat… There’s a fan. The free gifts are better than the main item. You should take it. (Kimchi mat with heating pack and fan) You should take it. For $10. I sold it. This whole set for $10. The first sales matters. – The first start. / – Once you sell one… – Starting it matters. / – It gathers people. You sold it as a gift for her mother. Since you like to exercise… These are massage balls. They’re for your back. Those are useful. They look expensive. You can take these as a set… For $25. They’re pricey items. – $25? / – Fine. I’ll give you a $5 discount. $20! She’s getting good at sales. She made a sale. Here you go. $20. (Looking for her next target) Do you want an exercise bike? I was wondering about that bike. It’s a pricey item. (Come this way, customer) But CEO Kim… Have a seat. I’m just testing it. Make yourself comfortable in the seat. How long did you own that? Nearly 30 years? No, not that long. Nearly ten years, I think. Ten years. How much is it? (I learned how to respond!) (Original price followed by sales price) When I bought it, it cost me $280. The sales price is $75. Isn’t the price too high? An item that’s 10 years old should be sold at a discount… – Right. / – At $20 or $30. It was for charity. I usually give things away for free. But we were raising money for charity. Besides, those buyers represent the company’s top management. They earn six-figure salaries. They should spend it. Normally, they wouldn’t buy such things. You’re dumping it on them. Dumping it on them… (Meanwhile, the Marketing Team) They’re running a raffle. What a fun event. (He won a massage) He won a massage. A facial massage. Have a seat. Have a seat. It’s moisture for your face. Stay still. Here comes the moisture boost. They’re earning money so easily. (Getting the buyers’ attention!) They torture a few employees and get money. Yuri! (What is Boss Kim’s strategy this time?) Yuri worked with ESteem since 2015. He was doing well as a top model. He is an ethnic Korean from Russia. As a member of Mensa, he has an incredibly high IQ. As for Baek Jin, he was a member of a world-famous b-boy crew. The two of them joined their talents together… (Idols JxR summoned by Boss Kim) See? Everyone is gathered over there. (He can’t ignore Boss Kim’s worries) That booth is like an antlion’s trap. I’ll show them a personal talent. Good. Hey, everyone! I’ll show you a personal talent. My sales booth is sponsoring… – A special talent show. / – A new ESteem model. Held right here. She needed to attract buyers. (Yay!) Presenting JxR. (She got their attention) The two members of JxR… (What is Baek Jin’s talent?) (It’s closer to a super strength) His body moves so lightly. (In awe) If this doesn’t attract buyers, she should close her booth. (Awesome!) So cool. (Baek Jin donating his talent) His body moves so lightly. (I hit the jackpot!) (Wow!) (Pleased) I’m getting nervous. (It’s Yuri’s turn) I’ll talk in a helium voice. (High hopes) (Inhaling helium) Hello. He’s good. CEO Kim, can you hear me? (She’s enjoying it the most) He’s doing well. It sounds real. (Employees donating their talent for Boss Kim) (I can’t just stand back) $5 per person for viewing the talent show. They’re the ones who showed their talent. She’s ripping them off. (Thanks guys!) A $5 fee for the show. A $5 fee. Since she’s not selling as much items… Right, she’s not. Paying $10! Wow! She got money for the talent show? They’re paying for the talent show but not for her items. (Rummaging) Give them to your parents. Thank you. Think of it as a purchase, bought with your talent show. Thank you. They loved it. I gave them those sunglasses as a gift. (Items bartered for their personal talents) You gave it freely instead of selling them, right? I gave it to them and donated $200 on their behalf. I’m told this is the famous booth where Yuri is working as an ambassador. Customer… (Model Lee Jaemu visited after the show) Looks like you bought a lot. A bumper crop of customers! It’s hard to find a set like this. (Selling her set of trays) How much is it? $100. I’ll buy this. Good. It’s $30. (Selling clothes) (Rising sales) That’s a pile of bills. She’s selling a lot. The mattress is still taking up space, right? (Mattress) She has to sell that mattress. She can lean against it to rest. It’ll be tough to tow it back. (Boss Kim’s goal, I must sell this!) (Looking for a gullible customer…) Hey, Eunho. Director Choi? You sold a lot, right? (Pulling out items) Oh? Doggy toilet pads for $10. – Alright. / – $10. I’ll buy them for $10. (Director Choi doing business with Boss Kim) Now come over here. Why? I’m buying these for $10, so I’ll sell the mattress for $10. You could just leave it there for employee naps. Take the mattress for $10. – To rest. / – It takes too much space. (New year’s off to a bad start…) It’ll cost $50 to move it, right? – Right. / – Yes. (New year off to a bad start…) An exchange for the doggy pads. Right. I got them off your hands. An exchange. A barter. (Giving up) I bought it… (Depressed) Attention, everyone. The flea market will now be closed. The flea market is closed. Great work, everyone. CEO Kim has a lot of items left. (How much did each team raise?) (Time for accounting, ESteem offices) Let’s see how much we earned. Works Team, how much did you earn? Not as much as I thought. But we got foreign currency too. He earned foreign currency. Where did you get Chinese money? (Global flea market) We earned $460. What? That’s all you earned? I think the prices were too low. The prices were too low. Right. The brand items were sold too cheaply. How about you? Our team… Earned $275. What? Did you stash some away? Should I raid your pockets to be sure? We won! We’re in first place. How about you? Our team had more people. Right, they did. We had seven sellers. We got this much… (A lot of cash) (On alert) How much is that? (How much did the Model Team earn?) The total is $1,743. (Model Team, now no. 1) It figures. They had nice clothes. They had brand items. They only earned $1,700 with seven sellers. They still sold $240 per seller. Wait until you see my total. Really? (Full of confidence) – Divide it by seven. / – They earned a lot. CEO Kim said, “Wait until you see my total.” (Hahaha) Hey, everyone. How much did you earn? (What is Boss Kim’s sales total?) $994. Really? Did you add $800 or so yourself? No, I only added $200 for Yuri and Baek Jin. – The rest came from sales. / – Then… Did you really sell $700 or $800? Yes, those came from sales. Wow. Actually, when I was loading the truck, I expected to earn $6,000. How much did you want for the mattress? I wanted to sell the mattress for about $300. You’re shameless. That mattress will be bad for the back. (Hospital fees will cost more than the mattress) Ow, my hand… Look at this, everyone. Gosh, she earned a lot. (I always achieve my goals!) Minguk probably contributed to her sales. Oh, my. She was the no. 1 seller because I helped with sales behind the scenes. (What really happened…) Oh, my. (Flea market’s hidden pro) CEO Kim wanted $50 for the sunglasses… (It was Kim Minguk) But how about $40? This is really pretty. (Great at bargaining prices) I’ll give you a discount. That looks good on you. (Great reactions too) It looks nice. That one? How about $20? – Okay. / – Great. Two of these for $20 and the skirt for $20. The total is $40. (Kim Minguk, king of sales) (For queen of sales, try again next time…) Adding everything up, the total funds we raised amounts to $3,654.30. That’s a lot. – For a good cause. / – In a short time span. They did well. It’s for a good cause, so let’s applaud! (All funds were donated to an animal shelter) – You donated everything. / – Yes. What a great thing to do.

Trump Is Turning The Oval Office Into A Treehouse


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, THE BIG NEWS OUT OF
WASHINGTON, D.C., JUST THIS AFTERNOON, AS THE WHITE HOUSE
FINALLY RELEASED TRUMP’S TAX PLAN. THAT PLAN? NEVER RELEASE TRUMP’S TAXES. ( LAUGHTER )
ANYTHING? HAS HE RELEASED THEM YET? NO, NO. SO FAR, ALL HE’S RELEASED IS HIS
1040 F-U. TO EXPLAIN THE PLAN, TRUMP SENT
OUT HIS TEAM OF WORKING CLASS, BLUE COLLAR, FORMER GOLDMAN
SACHS EXECUTIVES, GARY COHN AND STEVE MNUCHIN.>>WE ARE GOING TO CUT TAXES AND
SIMPLIFY THE TAX CODE BY TAKING THE CURRENT SEVEN TAX BRACKETS
WE HAVE TODAY AND REDUCING THEM TO ONLY THREE BRACKETS:
A 10% BRACKET, A 25% BRACKET, AND A 35% BRACKET
>>Stephen: OH, YEAH, BABY, FEWER BRACKETS. IT’S REALLY GOING TO SIMPLIFY
YOUR OFFICE POOL DURING TAX MADNESS. , OF COURSE, LOOK AT THE
BRACTSES. YOU CAN TELL. IT’S POOR VERSUS MIDDLE CLASS,
AND RICH VERSUS NOBODY, BECAUSE THEY WIN. NOW, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
HAS A VERY STRONG RATIONALE FOR SIMPLIFYING THE TAX CODE.>>IN 1935, WE HAD A ONE-PAGE
TAX FORM CONSISTING OF 34 LINES WITH TWO PAGES OF INSTRUCTIONS. TODAY, THE BASIC 1040 FORM HAS
79 LINES AND 211 PAGES OF INSTRUCTIONS. GLSK, 1935 WAS THE
HEIGHT OF THE GREAT DEPRESSION, SO THE TWO-PAGE FORM WAS JUST
“PAGE ONE: DO YOU HAVE MONEY? YES OR NO.” AND PAGE TWO WAS SO YOU WOULD
HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP’S MADE THIS PLAN EVEN SIMPLER BECAUSE IT’S JUST ONE
PAGE OF DOUBLE-SPACED BULLET POINTS WITH SOME HEFTY MARGINS. I’M GOING TO SAY IT’S NOT
REALLUCONFIDENCE BUILDING WHEN REALLY CONFIDENCE BUILDING WHEN
YOUR TAX REFORM PLAN IS HALF AS LONG AS THE INSTRUCTIONS TO SET
UP A VITAMIX. HEY, YOU GUYS REMEMBER ABOUT
TRUMP AND RUSSIA AND HOW MAYBE THEY HAVE INCRIMINATING
INFORMATION ON OUR PRESIDENT AND ARE RUNNING HIM LIKE A
FOREIGN AGENT AND HOW MEMBERS OF HIS TEAM WERE CAUGHT ON TAPE
BY THE F.B.I. TALKING TO KNOWN RUSSIAN OPERATIVES AFTER
PROMISING THEY’D NEVER MET THEM? REMEMBER THAT? ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, THERE’S MORE. THIS TIME, IT’S ABOUT FORMER
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND BEFORE PICTURE IN A LAXATIVE AD,
MICHAEL FLYNN. THE PRESIDENT FIRED FLYNN BACK
IN FEBRUARY BECAUSE FLYNN LIED ABOUT DISCUSSING SANCTIONS WITH
THE RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR BEFORE TRUMP TOOK OFFICE. TURNS OUT, THAT WAS JUST THE TIP
OF THE CORRUPTION-BERG, BECAUSE WE LEARNED YESTERDAY THAT FLYNN
ALSO DIDN’T DISCLOSE THAT HE HAD BEEN PAID MORE THAN $65,000 BY
COMPANIES LINKED TO RUSSIA IN 2015, INCLUDING A $45,000
SPEAKING FEE FROM THE KREMLIN-CONTROLLED TV NETWORK,
RUSSIA TODAY. AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME
FOOTAGE– I KNOW, IT’S UPSETTING, IT’S UPSETTING. WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF FLYNN’S
SPEECH. ♪ O-HO-HO-HO-HOOOO
LA-LA-LA♪ THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, SIR. BUT IT’S NOT LIKE FLYNN WAS A
DOUBLE AGENT WORKING FOR RUSSIA. HE WAS A TRIPLE AGENT BECAUSE HE
WAS ALSO WORKING FOR TURKEY, WHICH PAID HIM MORE THAN
$500,000. LOOK, WHEN YOU’RE NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR, YOU’VE GOT TO DISCLOSE FOREIGN PAYMENTS. OTHERWISE, YOU END UP WITH A
SITUATION LIKE THIS: “GENERAL FLYNN, SHOULD WE BOMB
TURKEY?” “HOLD ON, SIR. LET ME CHECK MY VENMO.” AND I’D HOLD OFF. AND THE CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE
OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE, JASON CHAFFETZ, HAD WHAT I WOULD
DESCRIBE AS A FLACCID CONDEMNATION OF FLYNN’S ACTIONS.>>FROM WHAT YOU’VE SEEN SO FAR,
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT MICHAEL FLYNN BROKE THE LAW?>>PERSONALLY, I SEE NO
INFORMATION OR NO DATA TO SUPPORT THE NOTION THAT GENERAL
FLYNN COMPLIED WITH THE LAW.>>Stephen: I HAVE SEEN NO
INFORMATION OR DATA TO CONFIRM THAT FLYNN COMFLIED WITH THE
LAW. THERE IT IS. YOU CAN’T SAY ANYTHING STRONGER
THAN THAT, “DARLING, I HAVE DONE THE RESEARCH, AND I SEE NO
EVIDENCE THAT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. THEREFORE, THE ONLY POSSIBLE
CONCLUSION I CAN REACH IS WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
( LAUGHTER ) THEN CHAFFETZ BURROWED OVER TO
GRETA VAN SUSTREN’S NEW MSNBC SHOW TO CLARIFY.>>ALL RIGHT, TO SHORTHAND THIS,
WOULD YOU SAY AFTER WHAT YOU REVIEWED TODAY THAT GENERAL
FLYNN IS IN A HEAP OF TROUBLE?>>YES, YES. CLEARLY, UHM, YOU CAN’T DO THIS.>>Stephen: YES, YOU CAN’T DO
THIS! AS GEORGE WASHINGTON SAID TO
BENEDICT ARNOLD, “NO FAIRSIES, BENNY! YOU PROMISED TO BE ON OUR SIDE. KNOCK IT OFF!”
SERIOUSLY! JASON CHAFFETZ, PLEASE, JUST
GROW A PAIR AND TELL US WHAT FLYNN DID. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU GUTLESS CHARLES SCHULZ ROUGH DRAFT. QUICK ASIDE, QUICK ASIDE. CONGRATULATIONS TO GRETA ON HER
NEW, SHOW “FOR THE RECORD.” IF YOU REMEMBER, FOR YEARS, HER
OLD SHOW ON FOX NEWS WAS CALLED “ON THE RECORD.” BECAUSE “FOR” THE RECORD, SHE NO
LONGER BELIEVES ANYTHING SHE SAID THAT WAS “ON” THE RECORD. I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING HER
FUTURE CNN SHOW, “PLEASE ERASE THE RECORD.” AS A POLITICAL OUTSIDER, IT’S
TAKING DONALD TRUMP A LITTLE WHILE TO GET A HANDLE ON HOW
STUFF WORKS IN THE NATION’S CAPITAL. BUT THERE’S ONE PIECE OF WHITE
HOUSE PROTOCOL THAT TRUMP HAS MASTERED, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, WITH THE PUSH OF A RED BUTTON PLACED ON
THE RESOLUTE DESK… OH, GOD! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE PUSHES THE
BUTTON? A WHITE HOUSE BUTLER ARRIVES
WITH A COKE FOR THE PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK GOD. I WAS WORRIED THERE. HE’S JUST TURNING THE OVAL
OFFICE INTO AN 8-YEAR-OLD’S DRAWING OF A DREAM TREEHOUSE. “THERE’D BE A BUTTON WHERE I GET
COKE WHEREVER I WANT, AND A SLIDE INTO A BALL PIT, AND
BIGFOOT SLEEPS OVER AND HE TEACHES ME KARATE.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S NICE. GOOD FOR HIM. GOOD FOR HIM. HE SHOULD HAVE SOME FUN. THE PRESIDENT DESERVES TO BE
REFRESHED. THE PAUSE THAT REFRESHES–
A BUTLER BRINGING HIM HIS COKE– REALLY LIVING THE DREAM. I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PICTURE OF
THE BUTLER. THERE YOU GO. YEAH, YEAH. HERE’S SOME GOOD NEWS. ON SUNDAY, WE GOT SOME UNLIKELY
ALLIES IN THE WAR ON TERROR WHEN THREE ISIS FIGHTERS WERE
KILLED BY WILD BOARS. THAT IS BOTH SHOCKING AND NOT
HALAL. ( LAUGHTER )
AND KIND OF NOT FAIR. ( APPLAUSE )
THEY’RE WILD PIGS. THEY CAN’T EAT THEM BACK. IT’S NOT FAIR. OF COURSE, IT’S NOT THE FIRST
TIME ANIMALS HAVE HELPED IN THE WAR ON TERROR. AFTER ALL, OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS
TAKEN OUT BY SEAL TEAM SIX. HUGE NEWS IN THE WORLD OF SPORT. YOU KNOW I LOVE SPORT, JON. I TALK ABOUT SPORT ALL THE TIME.>>Jon: ALL THE TIME.>>Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE
BASEBALL’S MIAMI MARLINS ARE GOING TO BE SOLD TO
A GROUP LED BY DEREK JETER AND JEB BUSH. OR AS THEY’RE KNOWN BY THEIR
CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: “DEREK JETER.” ( APPLAUSE )
FITS. FITS. WORKS. BASEBALL APPARENTLY VERY POPULAR
WITH REPUBLICAN DYNASTIES BECAUSE– THIS IS TRUE– LOOK
WHO JUST GOT EDGED OUT FROM BUYING THE TEAM– TAGG ROMNEY. I THINK– THIS ISN’T FAIR. I THINK A GUY NAME TAGG SHOULD
REALLY OWN A BASEBALL TEAM. THE SAME WAY THE KNICKS SHOULD
BE OWNED BY BILLIONAIRE. DUNK HOOPERSON. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. AMERICA FERRARA IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I’VE GOT A
SPECIAL MESSAGE… FROM JESUS. STICK AROUND.

Testing 9 VIRAL TikTok Life Hacks to See if They Work!


we are testing the most extreme viral
take on my packs do they work or do they not work go first tick tock let’s go I
don’t understand what are they using oh it’s foil they’re using foil they set
off their school alarm I think okay so it looks like this applies to need you
just need gum wrapper and then you just need a I think you can use a triple-a or
a double a either way and then I’m being handed a pencil so I’m assuming I need
this for something should we have water or something yeah let’s get some water
oh by the way don’t try these tick tock Y packs at home okay I will tell you
this though this life hack works Maddie has to go buy a hundred dollars with the
press in Salzburg okay that’s fine oh why can’t she just agreed to it make
sure you guys use the foil side so this is the inside of the gum wrapper you
don’t use that I think it’s just like regular paper material the outside is
what we’re trying to use so how we’re gonna put this down to get the minus on
it and you’re gonna want the positive side of the battery on the top this is
dangerous Oh Oh what already started smoking it
already started smoking wait a second Oh oh my god but so cool I can’t believe
this is actually working if they all work I will literally go out and jump in
the cold plunge pool naked if you ever look your keys in the car
here’s a way to get it unlocked and all you need is a tennis ball so
there’s no way in impressive because the chances of this one working is like the
equivalent of like Cal’s writing for this guy Matty there’s no way like
you’re not gonna cut a hole in a tennis ball and then the shirt gets it open
Betty but we’re not like in space how much air pressure can a tennis ball
really create to change or unlock a mechanical lock the first one was cool
it actually worked the chances of this one working slim to none but you know
what regardless of that ladies and gentlemen I’ll take this moment if it
does or does not work to take your device you’re watching this video on
turning like this make that red subscribe button grey alright so if we
want to really test this Maddie you should let me lock your keys in the car. No! Preston, no no. Do you have spare keys? No! How am I ever supposed to get take talk famous come on Maddy no well just lucky I’ll go get high and
get you an uber yes it’s perfectly safe look at his with a giant open parking
lot that’s a hard caste fine all right so I don’t know like all he did in the
video he cut like just cut a small hole in the tennis I think that’s safe we
think you should stab towards it but so like how many Preston’s does it take to
cut a tennis ball okay Johnny to make like an incision help get
these sisters are tough enough okay we upgraded yeah we had to get a box cutter
which is very dangerous by the way bro okay this tennis ball better give us the
air pressure so now I think we have to cut like a circle right like in the
video they had a circle cut in their tennis ball I don’t know how they did
that so well so use the box cutter make a hole in the tennis ball then use some
scissors to kind of make the hole a little bit bigger oh yes she on the
money buffaloes but whatever Miami Buffalo Miami Buffalo someone does
not watch football but I watch anime that is almost identical to the tick
tock we just watched the car is locked does it’s not gonna work so don’t get
your hopes up so he puts it on here pumps it like twice do it again there isn’t Maddie I could
do this a hundred thousand times do it and this won’t work
I’m literally rocking the car this woman I think this one’s a myth guys this week
I know she just did Maddie I saw that that’s a myth this one has been busted
Bree what are you watching the Jonas Brothers just made a new tech dog and
that was hilarious oh my gosh I love them I actually found a life hack on
tik-tok that I think you should try oh I need all the hacks of life what what is
it it’s how to solve a Rubik’s Cube but oh I think I can impress my husband
without lying down he’s literally just going up and down and everything’s
changing well that’s easy enough why didn’t my mom tell me that’s an
elementary school I would have been the coolest kid in class do I have a Rubik’s
Cube do you just carry this in your purse I already mixed it up for you is
it up up down I think it’s up down why are you facing away from me trying to
show you the Rubik’s Cube it’s the most important part up I don’t know why he
was calling this up because it’s going to the side down unless I’m doing it
wrong no I think that’s right hey any moment now
up down there’s more bread there’s more bread
up down you’re a lot slower than he huh down am I doing this right up down up
yeah Mattia don’t like your life hack hey
guys president Bree are having an insanely good time with these life hacks
and I don’t want to figure out a good one that I can use – let’s see what life
pack is show you guys how to get out at times in 60 seconds if pressing – Briana
– I don’t know if you’re gonna have enough time to do all this pull it
through here we go see it’s through the other side so I tied my shoelaces
together off-camera because I want to save some
time ready guys I need to get my hands if tied right now who’s gonna zip timing
it all right finally Nick got me zip tied let’s go see if we can get this how
do you he also have to be flexible for this life hack let’s test your shoelace
just your fine nose I gotta get the lace around Nick how do I get the lace oh
what’s not gonna help but my laces aren’t as long as the dude in the video
I only have like three-inch laces you can see that close up there I almost
have the lace all the way through use the wrist there we go
this guy’s way more flexible than me how in the world I have to bite that lace I
know I got to get my teeth down there hops are cramping monkey life and death
kidnapping situation you need to flex yourself out of this I’m not flexible
enough think I don’t know but I feel like whoever kidnapped you would have
noticed you doing this by now no they’re probably out grabbing lunch or something
what if the kidnappers just left your shoelaces tied like this like what if
hypothetically the kidnappers tied your shoelaces the way that the guy in the
video did not knowing this life hack would let you out you’re saying what if
my kidnappers were stupid oh my gosh my kidnappers left my laces tied around my
zip-tied that works so easy that was so
incredibly easy if your kidnappers leave your life this is it time for your zip
tie you gettin out no problem Nikki are you feeling okay you’re not in
your pizza merch Matty all my pizza merch is dirty so I have to buy more
pizza hoodies from Preston style calm obviously and then after I’m done wanna
buy some stuff from Raleigh B – or you could just buy stuff from oily B I mean
can’t shoes I have more than one love in my life one is pizza hoodies and one is
really be merch there’s two things that I love tick tock life hacks
I’ve always been testing those today and I think I deserve a chance to test them
so look I found this on salt absorbs glue oh I didn’t know that
hey he’s putting a lot of glue into that and there’s the salt okay Madi in it
right it was right on no that’s just gone the glue just disappears I think
you need to try that okay you just you just have yes Matty I have it okay relax
your roll there’s no one else think that’s a little strange
this is important stuff how would I do this trick talk if I didn’t have this
stuff and I’m always prepared so you’re struggling a little
what is this childproof oh it’s the other side the other side so now you
have to put glue in there first the smart Maddie this is why I have you here
okay so he did a lot of glue so I’m gonna do a lot of glue as well yep keep
going hey even more than that I mean this
looks like pretty okay yeah that’s as much as the glues I really hope the salt
absorbs it cuz it’s starting to get real cold okay
moment of truth just there we go this is oh you’re making a mess just it kind of
worked no it did Matt it didn’t work at all no
my hands are just covered in Brussels oh you this life hack
no no one that gave it to you because this is a terrible time I’m just gonna
leave you clean that up I’m gonna go are you gonna eat guys life hack busted
uh-oh we’re watching another tick tock and I don’t know who this girl is but
she’s she’s got the favorite Alan Red Solo cups okay so she’s unwinding an
entire this is so wasteful it’s an entire roll of paper towel dude this is
too much what no it’s not it’s just enough this
is a one minute tick-tock wait you can make a speaker with a roll of paper
towels and two Red Solo cups no hold on okay and let me see if this works if
this works I’ve got a bone to pick with this one we will not be wasting all of
this beautiful paper towel we just need the roll at the end okay so now that
we’ve got the roll what you want to do is you want to make an incision right
here in the middle there we go yeah I gotta make okay so once you have
the incision made for the size of your cellular device then we have to make two
more incisions on these plastic cups oh my gosh this is actually plastic cups
are not be easiest to make cuts in one more incision on the cup over here so
now you got to squeeze the tube inside the plastic cup where you made the
incision there is no way this works what are we gonna play now with our amplified
speakers I’m not gonna play one of my own videos because that would be too
cliche so I’m gonna play one of the videos from this very humble handsome
man named Preston plays no affiliation alright hold on the phone is going into
this oh no do not make a deep incision push like a reverse pregnant woman right
now oh it’s in this is the most Scott thing I have ever seen in my entire life
okay here we go three two and one it works really well
can you guys hear that it’s actually so loud it kind of actually really work I
can’t believe this word that does work the Sheep is attack today oh but it’s
trash Bri what do you have going on here I have found an amazing tick tock
because when I was in cheerleading we have like days where you’d randomly give
football players a lot of watermelon now what I mean thinking about it that’s
kind of I’ve never heard of that ever in my life but I would love to learn how to
cut a watermelon more efficiently you know I’m really bad with my knife skills
well here let me show it to you okay oh it kind of looks gross at the same time
I don’t really know that I like it being cut that way I’m gonna just be honest I
have absolutely no knife skills and this is making me tear up my skills does it
take out numchuck skills let’s take an expert to cut a watermelon apparently it
does watermelons even in season this time of year no it was very hard to find
this one but where is it from did you ship it in from night cards you crew the
one I didn’t teach me okay so we now have an empty Pringles can just like the
tick-tock that I’m hearing today I don’t know oh that was Ricky I think I’m done
I’m done so now do I just lift it off I pull it sideways no don’t lift it up cuz
it’ll fall out why oh hold on no it’s there it’s totally gonna come out success that sounds like success okay
you got a really good clean cut in there well apparently this hack is busted we
do have a large hole in the watermelon but Mady if you don’t help me clean up
after this you know what’s gonna happen nope free I make it alright guys since
the last hack works only if you’re extremely flexible which I’m not I got a
second chance so another life hack I’m a check out right now we’re gonna put to
the test and hopefully this one doesn’t require any flexibility all right how to
unlock a phone without a passcode the glove wears a glove that give me a glove
yo yo wait yo hold on a small problem your phone requires special recognition
ain’t no glove press on your phone but maybe if we put the glove on our head no
I don’t think you’re gonna fit that all my head’s too large wait now we have it
open is it working nope still locked seriously man
all these tick tock life hacks are all trash first one you gotta be flexible
this one they don’t even sell gloves large enough to go over my head
second tick tock lifehack completely busted Nick Madi I found the best tick
tock life hack in the world and also I got my new delivery of Preston Styles
calm Pizza shirts so here’s the light back it’s something to do my laksa
oh she heard you trying I thought the robot’s hear me Oh
quantity of a conceptual substance by the way when you teach me your voice I
can start making your Alexa experience more personal would you like to take a
moment to do it now no I don’t have them these in my house for that reason so
supposedly it’s something to do with this so let’s just watch the tick tock
up up down down left right left right be a start supera let’s a little super
Alexa mode hey Alexa up up down down left right left right B a start
super Alexa mode activated starting reactors online reactor in a long
advanced systems scary that’s why we unplug it because the robots can’t take
us if they don’t have their batteries here we go what’s the next hack Oh how
to have conversations in class wait what trade air pods type something in Google
Translate wait does this actually work there’s only one way to find out oh so
to test this out we both we both give a left 30 years I’m not afraid of you
search your pods okay let’s do we do it oh this is so now you go to google
translate I think breeze should be in her office
for this yeah yeah go in your office go your office
no don’t erase it don’t erase it no listen if you don’t follow my tape talk
to your Krusty if you don’t follow breeze you can’t use my joke okay wait hold on
I’m going to enter I don’t know what the secret message should be maybe we’ll say
something like can we say Pokemon will that go through whoa did you hear a translate we breed you or me
it’s my boombox you just hold on she said I’m stupid stop it freak it is okay
no I don’t like this live back anymore my wife is literally killing me stupid
over and over again hey give me my give me my ear plug back would you just say
she said I’m sorry haha such a good right the greatest
thing about this is I get to time it I don’t like the evil laughter okay
breathe and there goes we’re going into bata to elope fine they won’t allow them
to marry a stuffed animal this is the finale of the viral life hack Tech Talks
ladies and gentlemen this is what we call the matchbox rocket oh no that’s
one of those pliers foil this is already above my paygrade
wait you get the wrap you have to what you wrap the matches in the foil wait
he’s using bolt this is like a what like a tnt cannon for Minecraft literally a
bomb I might need some backup come here Keith
you need to help me do this wait what is that what I want to do okay yeah I’m
game you want to separate the match head from the match I’m gonna save this so
then we use foil you have to fold it really really really tight boy we really
thought I was we’re criticism on my tik-tok lie back
okay one the video what the person does is they take two match boxes anyway well
on they stack the candle on the two match boxes they may take another match
box they attach it on the inside which you can’t do because we got a busted
match box they light they basically light the candle and then like point it
like this come on kind of scared bro I’m a little scared bro awesome it’s busted
really really these experts to ruin my take on video is shaving the match outer
ring on to the on to the tinfoil folks Nick what do you have to say about your
process here this is this is how you do it
amazing don’t try this at home put that in your nose and light it this is a
terrible idea for the records do not do this anywhere hottest point of the
flames at the dip it’s working it’s working do you know it’s working I know
it’s working dude Oh happen it’s about to happen we used way more than the regulated size
of gunpowder while we’re finding where that landed don’t forget to kondeh
within the first 60 minutes of a video being uploaded because your comment will
be featured right here let assume you want to see more take dog viral eye
packs have a great day god bless it we’ll see you all next time

Jimmy Fallon Pays Tribute to His Mother Gloria


-It’s good to be back, guys. Some of you know my mother,
Gloria, passed away recently, and I canceled our shows
last week to be with my family and make arrangements. She was the best audience.
She was the one I was always trying
to make laugh, and she was such a fan
of the show and everything I did. Um… [ Voice breaking ]
When we were little, my mom would walk us
to the store, me and my sister, and we would hold hands,
you know, and she would squeeze my hand three times
to say “I love you” and I would squeeze back,
“I love you, too.” And… last week,
I was in the hospital, and I grabbed her hand.
I squeezed “I love you.” And I just knew we were
in trouble, you know? But I feel so grateful to be
able to do this every single night and I’m very
appreciative of all the support from all of you that my family
received over the past week, and we’re going to
continue to work really hard to bring some light and some
laughter into the world. Thank you for watching. Thank you for helping me and my
family recover from this loss. Mom, I’ll never stop trying to
make you laugh. [ Voice breaking ] I love you. More “Tonight Show”
after this. [ Cheers and applause ]

Korean Streamer Tries Working At A Pharmacy! – Part-Time Job!


Yes. Leg sick… leg sick Hi My cousin brother doc… Pharmacy boss name what is this? Pharmacy Boss Boss, boss. Pharmacist, right… chat? Pharmacist my cousin and… Hello. My cousin… wife, wife! Hi hi! Today one part time job! Yes. Leg sick… leg sick Oh. Oh wow Yes. Shoulder sick and… what is this? Chat what is this? Teeth, teeth clean… clean teeth what is this name? Fired from emart24 LULW Thank you so much 5 Dollars Brush? Ahh, toothbrush Oh, Okay Customers?! Oh, no customers Berry… Berry, Berry Aronia? Aronia super berry This is… Coral Calcium. Yes This is… if you eating sick This Cousin go to the dance? Cousin go to the dance what?! Very good! Very good! If you tired… eating this drink How much is it? 500 Won 5 Dollars? 50…, 50 cent? 50 cent One please! You can have some vitamin juice Thank you so much! Your welcome Energy! Thank you Really sweet Vitamin 500 Where is the trash? Trash house? This? This is trash home A lot of… Oh! Mosquito! Mosquito! Kill Mosquito! Maybe you… eating… Mosquito eating you, just you this medicine Understand? Here is the money, leave the drugs by the backdoor. Best drug dealer on… So now maybe machine… This machine is… Made medicine yeah. Understand? Yes Just understand please Cousin wife good english Oh, yes Thank you so much She’s maybe few months ago go to the another country I was in Turkey last year for about 6 months and… yeah! Ohh 6 months So now good english pronunciation And maybe… Kids… kids… In my childhood i was living in the Philippines for a while and… that’s all I’m not that fluent in english I think hachu is really really improving her english Chat you listen? Next Store is what is this? Subway. Subway?! Sandwich? Hey Chat! Now Subway Event you know? Now Subway are discount bit and subscribe, ok? If you maybe go to the Subway go to the Twitch event Thank you so much! 50 Dollars?! Thank you, so you can take your cousin and friend out to lunch Oh my god! Thank you! Oh! Maybe your favourite food what is this? What food do you like? I love Steak He loves Steak? He doesn’t… he doesn’t like vegetables Vegetables Why you now healthy store Boss, but why you hate healthy food? Why?! It’s different Different? Job and life is different Daily life and job is totally different Understand, understand Thank you Pharmacy 감사약국 (Thank you Pharmacy) Rejoice always Pray continually Give thanks in all… circumstances Thank you and… Thessalo… Hachu! Yeah? Oh, thank you so much! It’s Vitamin B Vitamin B? Because you looks lack of sunshine Yes Yes Yesterday… are they… Yes, yes you know, yes I think your lack of Vitamin D is… you don’t take sunshine Yes, yes, yes yes Chat you know. Korean big holiday We are meet family and… they are watching my stream, right? So they are a lot of talk my stream and watching my clip and my youtube and… a lot of watching my video Before we go to bed we always watch Hachubby Oh it’s time for Hachubby. It’s Live time Let’s go for Hachubby! So now he say not eating and just… eating… medicine? sick… He said after a meal people choose to eat medicine After a meal Yes! Without eating a meal it’s not really good for taking medicine Yes! Perfect english! What’s the meaning of Monka? Monka is… scared and… surprised… thrilly? kind of? Yes, yes, yes I’m learning twitch emotes from Hachubby Hachubby is my teacher She go to the stream Soon Really good english, wow Hachubby Yeah? For you Oh, what’s this? It says “Providings for baby” Baby?! Oh, name is Yam Yam If you take it you have better Poo Poo?! Today, I’m one day part time job try… Success! You’re a good staff Good Staff! Really?! I’m just beep and… click, click Done

While Trump Is Golfing, We’re All Paying To Protect Him


WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO “THE
LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND IT IS– AS YOU CAN TELL, AS
YOU CAN TELL BY THIS CROWD, IT IS FRIDAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THAT MEANS– AND IF TO YOU THAT MEANS BLOWING OFF WORK TO
CHILLAX WITH YOUR BUDS, THEN YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT LAST YEAR,
TRUMP SPENT ONE OF EVERY FIVE DAYS AT ONE OF HIS GOLF CLUBS. AND, REMEMBER, WHEN TRUMP IS
GOLFING, WE’RE PAYING FOR IT. AND WE MIGHT NOT KNOW THE FULL
COST FOR A WHILE, THANKS TO TREASURY SECRETARY AND KID ON
“BRING YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY” WATCHING HIS DAD GET CHEWED OUT
BY THE BOSS, STEVE MNUCHIN. MNUCHIN IS TRYING TO HIDE HOW
MUCH TAXPAYERS HAVE SPENT SENDING TRUMP ON HIS GOLF
OUTINGS. HE WANTS TO DELAY DISCLOSURE OF
SECRET SERVICE SPENDING ON PRESIDENTIAL TRAVEL UNTIL AFTER
THE 2020 ELECTION.>>Audience: OOOOH!>>Stephen: NOT TELLING US
THAT TILL AFTER WE VOTE IS LIKE SHARING YOUR S.T.D. HISTORY WITH
YOUR PARTNER AFTER YOU HAVE SEX. “NO, NO, NO, NO. IT’S COOL, BABE. THAT TINGLING SENSATION MEANS
THE SEX IS WORKING. AND IT’S NEVER GOING TO STOP
WORKING, BABY.” WE DO KNOW THE SECRET SERVICE
BILL IS GOING TO BE PRETTY BIG. FOR EXAMPLE, WE SPENT
$96 MILLION ON BARACK OBAMA OVER EIGHT YEARS. BUT IN 2017, WE SPENT
$13.6 MILLION ON TRUMP IN JUST ONE MONTH. AND OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS,
WE’VE SPENT $588,000 ON SECRET SERVICE GOLF CARTS ALONE. THAT’S A LOT, BUT GOLF CARTS ARE
CRITICAL SECURITY VEHICLES. THEY CAN BE OVERTAKEN ONLY IF
THE TERRORISTS DISCOVER “WALKING BRISKLY.”( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT. NOW–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
BUT WE’RE NOT JUST PAYING FOR TRUMP. WE’RE ALSO COVERING THE COSTS OF
ALL THE LITTLE TRUMPLINGS. FOR INSTANCE, A FEW YEARS BACK,
ERIC TRUMP’S VISIT TO A TRUMP BUILDING IN URUGUAY COST
TAXPAYERS $97,000. SO WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IT’S
NOT REALLY YOUR-GUAY. IT’S ALL OF OUR ‘GUAY. MOST OF THAT MONEY WAS SPENT IN
TEACHING ERIC THAT IT’S NOT PRONOUNCED “YOU ARE GAY.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WE’RE ALSO– THAT’S A TWO-FER. THAT’S A TWO-FER. A DOUBLE DIP. WE’RE ALSO LEARNING MORE ABOUT
WHAT WENT ON BEHIND THE SCENES DURING IRAN’S ATTACK ON U.S. MILITARY BASES THIS WEEK. APPARENTLY, THE WHITE HOUSE
RECEIVED AN EARLY-WARNING MESSAGE FROM SPY AGENCIES THAT
OFFICIALS CALL, A “SQUAWK.” NORMALLY, WHEN YOU HEAR A SQUAWK
IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO FEED STEPHEN
MILLER.( LAUGHTER )
AND AS SOON–( APPLAUSE )
AS SOON AS HE GOT THE WARNING, TRUMP DESCENDED SEVERAL FLIGHTS
OF STAIRS TO THE SITUATION ROOM. WOW. THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE TRUMP. WHAT ON EARTH COULD HAVE
MOTIVATED HIM TO SHAMBLE DOWN SEVERAL FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO
THE SITUATION ROOM? AND THERE WERE SANDWICHES PILED
ON A SIDEBOARD IN THE ROOM.( LAUGHTER )
( AS TRUMP )
“GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE INCOMING
BALLISTIC HOAGIES. ALERT COLONEL MUSTARD AT
STRATEGIC SAUCE COMMAND.” IT’S ALSO BEEN REVEALED THAT THE
NIGHT OF THE AIR STRIKE AGAINST SOLEIMANI, TRUMP WAS PULLED
AWAY FROM HIS DINNER OF MEATLOAF AND ICE CREAM. THOUGH, THAT COULD BE A
MISPRINT. IT’S POSSIBLE IT WAS ICE CREAM
WITH MEATLOAF. TRUMP’S INTERNATIONAL WHOOPSIES
HAVEN’T BEEN HELPING HIS REPUTATION. ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL FROM THE
PEW RESEARCH CENTER, 64% OF PEOPLE WORLDWIDE SAID THEY DID
NOT HAVE CONFIDENCE IN PRESIDENT TRUMP. IN FACT, FOREIGNERS TRUST HIM
LESS THAN ANGELA MERKEL, EMMANUEL MACRON, XI JINPING,
AND VLADIMIR PUTIN. BUT, HEY, HE IS STILL POLLING
AHEAD OF JEFFREY DAHMER, HARVEY WEINSTEIN, AND ONE OF THE
MENENDEZ BROTHERS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
NOW, WHICH ONE, LYLE? LYLE. HE’S AHEAD OF LYLE. WHAT’S THE OTHER ONE, TREVOR? ONE COUNTRY WHERE THE PRESIDENT
IS AS POPULAR AS A PINE CONE SUPPOSITORY IS SLOVENIA, WHERE
VANDALS BURNED A WOODEN STATUE OF HIM. POLICE ARE STILL INVESTIGATING
AND THEY HAVE RELEASED THIS SECURITY FOOTAGE OF THE
SLOVENIAN WOMAN THEY BELIEVE IS BEHIND THE ATTACK