Nathan For You – Dumb Starbucks – Open for Business


– WITH OUR SIGN NOW ON DISPLAY,
MY PLAN QUICKLY BEGAN TO WORK, AS PEOPLE STARTED COMING IN THINKING IT WAS
AN ACTUAL STARBUCKS. – OH, DUMB STARBUCKS.
OKAY, OKAY. – OH, YOU THOUGHT
IT WAS STARBUCKS. – I DID. – BUT THE FEW CUSTOMERS WE DID
GET SEEMED TO HAVE TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING WHAT WE WERE
ALL ABOUT. I MEAN, LEGALLY SPEAKING, THIS STORE HAS TO BE CATEGORIZED
AS AN ART GALLERY, SO WE DON’T HAVE TO ABIDE
BY THE SAME HEALTH REGULATIONS AS A STARBUCKS WOULD. I MEAN, WE DON’T WANT ANY OF
OUR CUSTOMERS TO GET SICK. BUT IF THEY DO,
TECHNICALLY, THAT’S PART OF
THE ARTISTIC EXPERIENCE. THINGS WERE OFF
TO AN OKAY START. BUT AS THE DAY PROGRESSED,
I BECAME FRUSTRATED WE WEREN’T GETTING THE AMOUNT
OF CUSTOMERS I EXPECTED. SO I HEADED OUT TO A NEARBY
COFFEE SHOP TO TRY AND SPREAD THE WORD
ABOUT MY NEW BUSINESS. JUST SO YOU KNOW,
THERE’S A DUMB STARBUCKS THAT’S OPENED UP
DOWN THE BLOCK. – OKAY.
– OKAY. IT’S BASICALLY THE SAME COFFEE.
CHEAPER PRICES, AND– – DUMB STARBUCKS?
– YEAH. TODAY, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN HAVE
A FREE COFFEE ON ME. – I UNDERSTAND YOU’RE TRYING
TO PROMOTE YOUR COMPANY. – RIGHT.
– I ADMIRE THAT. BUT THAT’S GREAT.
YOU CAN’T DO IT ON STARBUCKS’ PROPERTY.
– AND I ADMIRE YOU. AND I WILL BE–
– AND EVERY TIME I STEP BACK, YOU KEEP TAKING A STEP FORWARD.
– NO, I HAVEN’T MOVED. – YOU HAVE.
WE STARTED OVER HERE. – NO, WE STARTED RIGHT HERE. – BUT YOU NEED TO WALK THAT WAY.
– OKAY, I WILL. – UNFORTUNATELY, MY MARKETING
EFFORTS WERE CUT SHORT. BUT I WAS AT LEAST ABLE
TO GET SOME FREE SUPPLIES. WITH AN UNDERWHELMING
LAUNCH DAY, I BEGAN TO FEEL LIKE I PUT IN
ALL THIS EFFORT FOR NOTHING. BUT THE NEXT MORNING
THINGS CHANGED. JEREMIAH CALLED ME TO SAY
THERE WAS A LINE OF OVER 15 PEOPLE AT THE STORE. THEN I SAW PHOTOS
OF MY SHOP POSTED ON A STRAIGHT BODY BUILDING
MESSAGE BOARD. BUT I COULDN’T HAVE FORESEEN
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.
– A NEW COFFEE SHOP
WITH A FAMILIAR NAME
CREATING QUITE A STIR
IN LOS ANGELES.
THE COFFEE SHOP–GET THIS–
IS CALLED DUMB STARBUCKS.
– THAT LOOKS EXACTLY
LIKE A STARBUCKS.
THE LOGO, THE LETTERING,
THE GREEN COLORING–
HOW DO THEY GET AWAY
WITH THIS?
– BECAUSE THEY PUT THE WORD
“DUMB” ON TOP OF STARBUCKS,
SO THEY’RE PARODYING
STARBUCKS. – A COFFEE CHAIN NOTORIOUS
FOR SUING IMITATORS MAY HAVE FINALLY
MET IT’S MATCH. – AT THE COUNTER, CUSTOMERS
CAN ORDER A “DUMB VENTI” OR BUY A CD
OF “DUMB NORAH JONES DUETS.”
– SOME PEOPLE WAITED IN LINE
FOR UP TO AN HOUR.
– IT’S AN ART GALLERY WHERE
COFFEE IS CONSIDERED ART. – WHAT’S THE POINT OF THE ART?
I MEAN, WHAT’S THE MESSAGE?
– I DON’T KNOW.
– [speaking Spanish] – [speaking Korean] – I WAS STUNNED. WE HAD MORE CUSTOMERS
THAN I EVER DREAMED OF. AND WITHIN 24 HOURS,
DUMB STARBUCKS HAD BECOME
A WORLDWIDE SENSATION. – YEAH, THERE’S ABSOLUTELY
ARTISTIC VALUE HERE.
– TO ME, THIS IS A PROTEST.
THIS IS A PROTEST
AGAINST THE BIG FISH.
THE LEVIATHANS OF STARBUCKS.
– IT WAS COOL THAT PEOPLE
COULD DRAW THEIR OWN MEANING
FROM A BUSINESS THAT
WAS JUST THERE TO MAKE MONEY.
– THERE’S A RUMOR
THAT IT MIGHT BE BANKSY
AND WE’RE ALL REALLY EXCITED
ABOUT THAT. – I HAD INADVERTENTLY
CREATED SOMETHING THAT WAS ON PAR WITH ONE OF
THE WORLD’S GREATEST ARTISTS.
– SOMETHING TIED TO AN ART
INSTALLATION.
MAYBE THIS IS BANKSY.
– BEFORE I KNEW IT,
CUPS FROM MY SHOP
WERE SELLING ON EBAY
FOR $500 A PIECE.
AND SWINDLERS WERE EVEN TRYING
TO CASH IN ON THE HYPE
BY HOCKING FAKE MERCHANDISE
OUTSIDE THE STORE.
BY THE END OF THE WEEKEND
I REALIZED THAT DUMB STARBUCKS
WAS A BIGGER IDEA
THAN I EVER THOUGHT IT COULD BE. SO I GATHERED THE WORLDWIDE
MEDIA TO ANNOUNCE THAT WE WERE EXPANDING. [cheers and applause] HI. I’M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE
THAT WE’LL SOON BE OPENING A SECOND DUMB STARBUCKS LOCATION
IN BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, WITHIN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. [cheers and applause] MY BUSINESS WAS NOT ONLY
A BONA FIDE SUCCESS, BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE IT FELT LIKE PEOPLE ACTUALLY
WANTED TO BE AROUND ME. WHATEVER I HAD DONE
RESONATED WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD. AND THE ATTENTION
WAS LIKE SUNLIGHT ON MY SOUL.
MY ENTIRE MARKETING PLAN
DEPENDED ON USING
THEIR CORPORATE LOGO
TO GET ATTENTION.
AND THE ONLY WAY TO LEGALLY DO
IT IS BY USING “DUMB.”
– EVERY MAJOR NETWORK IN AMERICA
WANTED TO KNOW MY STORY. – NATHAN FIELDER. – I WAS INVINCIBLE. AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, THE VIEW
FROM THE TOP WAS PRETTY NICE. WE’RE ALSO FAMOUS
FOR OUR PASTRIES. I BROUGHT YOU SOME, ACTUALLY.
– OH, OKAY. YEAH, GREAT. – I BROUGHT SOME
OF OUR PASTRIES, YEAH. – OH, THOSE LOOK GREAT.
[audience laughs] WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE?
ARE THESE THOSE– – I BROUGHT MUFFINS TOO.
– OH, LOOK AT THAT. – THESE ARE OUR FAMOUS PASTRIES.
– ISN’T THAT WEIRD. IT SAYS VONS ON THE SIDE.
[audience laughs] – I WAS ALL SMILES
AND MY HEAD WAS IN THE CLOUDS. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
REALITY HIT.

She got engaged an hour before my show!


So tonight I have… three shows. The first one is for the Chicagoland Chamber of Commerce Emerging Leaders “Tomorrow’s Chicago” event. Then I’m doing two shows at The Drifter One at nine o’clock and one at 11 o’clock. The Drifter’s a really cool speakeasy in Chicago. I feel like I’m always doing arts and crafts… … which makes things fun. So now we just check to make sure I have everything for tonight. Let’s see… Um… the first thing is vortex… that’s right there… I should not be showing you this stuff. this is secret magic stuff. Nevermind. Alright, so just got done with a call from potentially a future client for a show this summer and now I’m just typing everything into my database. Now I’m rehearsing for one of my classic illusions I’m rehearsing for it now where I make someone’s ring disappear and reappear on my keychain You can check out a video of that there. So I accidentally got black ink all over myself Got some baking soda… see if that helps. It’s actually helping. Alright so first show is done. Now I’m going on stage at The Drifter cool venue, speakeasy, in like 29 minutes. So I’m gonna’ do a 15-minute set at 9 o’clock then a 15 minute set at 11 o’clock. (That’s a bookcase-door) Alright, made it. Now to set up. 25 minutes til showtime. 20 minutes til showtime 12 minutes… 12 minutes. What an exciting group of people. (Laughter) Which one can we use? That one? You just got engaged?? (Yea!) An hour ago?!? OH MY GOD! (Applause) Oh wow! I’m sorry Benjamin we’re gonna’ kick you off. That’s your brother? Okay. Wow! You?! Oh… Mazel tov! And that is your EIGHT OF HEARTS!! (Applause) Put it in a cocktail!! (Laughter) Who said that? Find me after the show… this is for you. At The Drifter? (No) No… okay. Clearly. Alright. I forgot what we were doing. And show off… to everybody… YOUR SIGNED 20 DOLLAR BILL!! (Applause) You’ve all been super fun. Once again I’m Danny Dubin. Thank you so much. Have a good evening! (Applause) Alright, thanks a lot. Have a good one.

Nathan For You – Failed Business Ideas – Extended


– The one thing I’ve
learned over the years is that you can’t be afraid of failing. In fact on my show when I help businesses I fail all the time. I’m normally shy to show those moments but tonight I’m going
to make an exception. So let’s take a look now at
some of my greatest failures. One of my least popular ideas was for a completely germ-free hot dog stand. At outdoor food carts it’s easy for germs to transfer from money to your food so to completely eliminate this I designed a hands-free method to apply
condiments to the wiener. Also, there would be a second employee whose only job is to handle the money. – What are you doing with the wallet? – We’re doing a germ-free experience so you don’t handle your own money. – [Customer] Oh really? – [Nathan Voiceover] But
people were a bit annoyed with the money handling part. – Can I have my wallet back? – And the hands-free onion dispenser proved to be problematic as well. So you have to up, one up one down, and when it hits the table
the onions will fall. – [Cart Owner] Drop it, keep
droppin’ it, up down, drop it. – [Nathan] Harder. Fast. – [Customer] This is not gonna work. – That’s nothing to do
with the contraption, if you drop a hot dog you drop a hot dog. The public just wasn’t ready for the germ-free hot dog experience. So I laid the concept to rest. Next, I had an idea for a tearless way to tell a child that their pet has died, to be an upsell service
for an animal hospital. The concept was to make a video of the pet while it’s still alive telling the child it’s in animal heaven now. I hired the only voice
actor that responded to my Craigslist ad to be the dog, but when we showed it
to the owner’s child– (fanning harp music) – Oh, it’s me, Madi, I’m in heaven now. So sorry I died, I miss you so much. I’m happy here so I’m not coming home. – No, she doesn’t. – No. – Aw. It’s okay. – [Nathan Voiceover] He
hated his dog’s voice. Another flubbed idea. Next, we all hate paying
those pesky ATM fees that charge us up to three dollars for basically doing nothing. So I designed an ATM that
cleans your card during the transaction so you get
something for your money. No transaction fee, just
a card cleaning fee. But my mistake was that
the washing process took almost seven minutes and
people who were in a hurry got a little frustrated. It still surprised me because the machine was doing a thorough job
but even after all that, people still didn’t think
their cards were clean enough. – This is not clean. – That looks cleaner. – No, there’s still dirt right there. – [Nathan Voiceover] People
just weren’t as excited about it as I had hoped. And lastly, my favorite ideas
don’t just help with business, they’re good for the community as well. So I approached a bar
with an innovative way to stop drunks from
getting behind the wheel. The concept was to have a
street magician stationed outside the bar performing a
magic trick that allows him to secretly test the Blood Alcohol Levels of patrons as they leave. And with my background in
magic I offered to test it out. – For my final trick I’m
gonna need your keys. – My keys? – Yes, great, give the wand a blow. (exhales) Okay, a little bit harder,
right into the top. (hollow whistling) Okay, and you are over the legal limit. – [Man] Okay. – Blood Alcohol so your keys are gone and I cannot give them back to you. – Okay. – Sorry. – [Nathan Voiceover] But
that’s when I realized the flaw in my idea. If I held onto his
keys, and he took a cab, the guy couldn’t get into his apartment. – Could I get my keys please? – I can’t because you’re drunk. – Please give me my keys. – [Nathan Voiceover] And the
only solution at that point was to drive him home. – You live far. – I know I do. – [Nathan Voiceover] Also
once I got him home I realized I couldn’t just give him his
keys until he was asleep, or else he might go out and drive again. – You need to see me sleeping? – I need to see you fall
asleep before I leave your keys or else you might take
them and go out again. You don’t brush your teeth before bed? – Usually not, I usually
brush my teeth in the morning. – Really? – Yup. I know it’s kinda gross
but nobody else is really paying attention to the
way my breath smells. – [Nathan Voiceover] So
I had to put him to bed and make sure he went to sleep. ♫ And if that looking glass gets broke ♫ Mama’s gonna get you a billy goat – [Nathan Voiceover]
Before I left his keys. So as you can see, even the
greatest minds fail sometimes. – [Customer] Ohh!

“Overbooking Business Class” – Trevor Noah – (Crazy Normal)


We’ve been traveling all around the country
it’s been so much fun you know out in places like P.E and Cape Town and East London recently went to Durban which was a bit of a shlep for us it was really hard because
it was raining so much and then on top of the flight
delays that you have to contest with there’s also like overbooking,
which is a problem I don’t know if you know what over booking is but basically it’s a legal process where it’s a practice rather where airlines book more tickets
than there are seats on the plane so they book more,
sort of like a Taxi but then they don’t let you
get on when you get there so they just hope you don’t pitch up like please, please, please, please agh, his here. you know, that’s what they do and so we are flying down to Durban,
and it was the funniest thing ever we are standing in the queue,
everyone is all fidgety in the line looking at their watches,
and they call us forward hey are like next, next please, next! so we go to the counter and
there’s one of those woman there with her glasses and relaxed hair going *typing* and she’s like, “can I have ID’s please?” and you’re like ID’s,
everyone puts them down *Typing*
“Where you flying?” and we are like, Durban please. She’s like, “Durban”
*Typing* “Durban?” Yes. *Typing* “are you flying now?” No, tomorrow. This is a practice run. are you flying? We are like yes, we need to fly now “Okay” *Typing* and then she starts typing frantically *Typing Frantically* Which I never understand,
because when I book my tickets all I need to do is click.
It’s click, click, click, click Johan, okay that one.
Click. Ah, Durb. Ah, that one, click. and then it does it all. She’s there
*Typing Frantically* I bet she wasn’t even busy doing our
tickets anymore, she’s just like there clicking, she’s probably on
like Facebook or something updating her status. “Yo, another one, another one is here I’m dead, dead, dead dead, another one’s here,
dead, dead Yo, overbooking, dead Oh, poke back. Dead, dead, dead, yo dead,
death by overbooking, yo because of their fop-ha the airline was as kind as to upgrade us
on the next flight to business class They say,
we are sorry about what happened here you go, business class.
I love business class, you know you get to go to a special lounge
where everyone’s very “businessy” No, it is because when you’re
in business class you hear you overhear conversations and they
sound totally different, you know you overhear people saying things like “Yes, well the mergers are coming along I mean if you look at
the companies that are” you know, people walking around there “Well, I mean if the numbers are right we’ll
definitely get that stock portfolio going” just people walking there you know, like No, I’m taking care of the situation
to make sure the Shareholders are happy and then we’ll present to management and
it’s gonna be a installment of what we You know you just hear like
businessy kind of stuff where as when you are in economy,
it’s just a huge group of people you generally overhear conversations
like, “I thought you put it in the bag! you said you put it in the bag! it was on the, I asked you to
put, why is it not in the bag!” oh, wow and so we are going through the airport and then we go through security,
and I love security in South Africa it’s the most chilled out security
you will find anywhere in the world it is, like South African
security is just like, you know we work on a honesty system
in this country, you know the security guard,
he is there to enforce but it’s more an honesty,
look this is up to you this is the honesty place, this
is where we all admit to our sins come forward, do you have anything to declare?
it’s that type of place overseas when you come through
customs, it’s the craziest thing ever you’ve got to take of everything,
you got to take of your shoes and you take off your belt, you know you cant wear a jacket
or a hoody or a cap or anything you’ve got to take off your
rings, nothing, nothing or even coins in your pocket,
even if you got a big filling then you’re in trouble, you know then you’re like, but it’s my teeth and they are like, you’re gonna have to do something you know, and then some
people are like, “excuse me” ha, ha, ha, ha ah where as in South Africa I sometimes
feel like these security guards don’t actually know what
their equipment does you know,
they are very chilled out about it because you’ll walk through an airport security and get there and
the guy will be like “go to number 4,
number 4” and you go through
and you stand there and the guy will be waiting, he’ll
give you that bucket and be like “Hey, what’s in the bag?” Like what do you mean? he’s like, “Laptop?” Yes. “Out, out, take it
out, laptop out, out please put it by it’s self, put there yeah.
Any other laptop?” You’re like, no “Laptop out!” you’re like okay, okay what did you do? okay, there it is “okay” and my gun? “no, it’s fine. Just the laptop” “Watching you” it’s so much fun when you walk through
the metal detectors which I swear either don’t work or these people really
don’t understand them at all you walk through metal detectors and it’s not just at airports, no
matter where they are in this country you walk through a metal detector casino, a school, Government institution and you will walk in there
and it will make that sound but then I don’t know if
they know what that means because you walk through and it will be like
*Metal detector beeping* and you see how security guards smile because they get ready,
they are going to use the wand they love the wand you can see they wait the whole day. “Yes, my time has arrived Excalibur, I call apon you” it’s like what the hell is going on? “Yeah, just stand there,
yeah” He pulls out his wand, those
black ones, he just pulls it out *Light Sabre sound* Okay it’s not, I’m sorry it doesn’t really do that,
it would be cool if it did though *Light Sabre sound* although it would be
weird, it would be weird you know, for some guy from the
township to have a light Sabre *Light Sabre sound* wouldn’t work at all though, it wouldn’t it wouldn’t, it would be like
Darthvader would be like “Bravida” *Light sabre sound* “Ah, bravida ______” *Lightsabre sound* it would have been the worst Star wars ever
if it where in South Africa wouldn’t it *Lightsabre sound* like the critical point,
the moment that made the movie would never happen if it was
in a township in South Africa because which guy from the township would
claim a child after that many years The guy would be like
*Lightsabre sound* *Heavy breathing*
“Luke” “Yes, what is it?” “No, look there. It’s your father.” *Lightsabre sound* *Laughter* *Lightsabre sound* but it wasn’t, sorry. I digress. the wand, the wand, the wand comes, I’m sorry he comes out with the wand and they always do that
thing, they go around and we don’t know what it’s
supposed to do or not, you know *Beeping* *Beeping* *Beeping* “any weapons?” then what was that for? even if I have something,
I’m not gonna tell you now obviously you have been defeated. “Any weapons?”
No. “Okay” and that’s it we like work on a honesty
system in this country everywhere you go like I would like to meet the
genius who invented the honesty book Ah yes, the honesty book yes, the book of truth. No one can
lie when they write in this book whenever you visit someone at a townhouse or an office complex,
we have the book of truth fill in the book before you enter Name, ah yes surname, hm phone number and adress Reason for visit, Pvt. We’ll just do that,
look at everybody else Pvt, Pvt, Pvt, Pvt, Pvt Pvt. and once I asked the security
guard, what is the point of this? why am I filling in this book? He’s like, “No, it’s for security reasons” I said I figured that
much, but what is it about? He’s like, “it’s so that if you
can do anything bad inside there if maybe you can
steal or kill someone then we can find you.” Ah, of course because I wrote my
real name and surname the honest killer strikes again! it’s just ridiculous I was like okay, I kill someone
and what are you gonna do? He’s like, “then you see there, we can
phone you and tell you to come back” “Yeah” “Same time”

Casually Explained: Levels of Wealth


When we think of money, it’s usually in terms of what things we can buy with it. But your level of wealth doesn’t only determine what you own. It can determine entirely what your life looks like and I wanted to give a bit of an overview of what that could look like at some different intervals. Now at the bottom of the pyramid, of course we have the alcoholic, amphetamine abusing lowlife who mooch off public services because they can’t pay their debts or find a job. Fuckin grad students. Disgusting. Next we have the working and middle class which makes up about 90% of the population. Even though it might seem like they can’t accomplish much compared to the elites of society, members of the middle class can work together to become much more powerful. As an example with one roommate they can afford rent but with two they can afford furniture. The middle class earns up to 300,000 a year but the median individual income is a lot more modest at 38,000. This can be pretty misleading though because if you’re 50 with a wife and two kids 38k a year is pretty rough but if you’re 21 and single you’re buying resale Yeezys thinking man I wonder how much sex I’d have I didn’t live with my parents so in conjunction I think there are a couple lifestyle indicators to check to see if you’re in the middle class such as your grandparents had five kids your parents have three kids and you’re gonna put a stop to it once and for all and you don’t have an emergency fund because you figure that if you’re on vacation your appendix gives out Why would you spend 20k on surgery when you could just die? So moving beyond the middle class we get to the start of your truly wealthy people these are the notorious 1% Who typically have an individual income of three hundred thousand or higher or a net worth of over 8 million. Usually this means you have more than one home, active investments, travel whenever you want and basically have the best of everything short of private jets and a ballot front to seasonpass But in the same way someone in the arts might wave their fist at an accomplished engineer There’s a huge difference between people within the 1% as an example if you’re worth 75 million you have the ability to see almost anyone in the world just by asking But if you’re worth 75 billion you have the ability to see almost anyone in the world without asking Once you’re worth over a hundred million dollars people use your first and last name when they talk about you And if you’re not famous you at least have a Wikipedia page that you didn’t make yourself you likely make up to ten million a year which to compare with a more normal income is like going to Costco and paying a $1.50 for a hot dog but getting a hundred hot dogs I don’t know why I left that in, um at this point your wealth is almost magnetic to more wealth and ironically things start costing less I could pay $5,000 for a Gucci suit and people might think I’m cool If I were actually cool Gucci would have paid me to wear it. Well it sounds pretty great You might start to wonder if people like you for you or only like you because you’re rich and famous Fortunately though you are rich and famous so finally, at the very top of the pyramid we have the people worth over a billion dollars the 0.001% Guys like Elon, Jeff, Branson, and Bill these people have so much money They can literally change the world Save the kids. Done. Create your own space program. Done. Dinner with the president. You are the president. You don’t fly business. You buy the business. When you get pet supplies from Amazon You mean the rainforest and when you say, “Hey, babe.” “How about I drive this time?” you’re talking to the car if you look at the absolute top Jeff Bezos recently overtook Bill Gates and to be as rich as the two of them you would have to earn about $5,000 every minute you were alive they even said themselves. “I don’t think I could even spend the money if I tried” Fucking amateurs. now with the pyramid capped off if we step back it does seem like the implication here Is that your life gets better the more money you have which brings about the age-old question of does money buy you happiness? and for what I’ve looked at I think the best explanation is that money won’t buy you happiness they can make problems go away that make you unhappy Like when you go to take money out of your bank account and get charged a fee because there’s no money in your bank account When you buy tickets online you have to pay extra for doing all the work yourself With that said I wanted to end it at that point But I showed my friend, and she said “is that it?” “is it… “…just first world countries?” “What about the rest of the world?” and you know like they say you can’t make your sneakers and wear them too The good news is that my demographics show that there aren’t many people in third world countries watching my videos They don’t have internet, so, um, we’ll worry about that another time Um, there’s a quick side note if you want to get an audio version of any of my videos you can go to the cast box app or website and subscribe to the casually explained channel Right now. I think there’s only one video uploaded there But the rest are gonna be processing over the next day or two and you can get an audio version of all the latest videos that I make and maybe like a little bit of exclusive You know, audio-only content coming up in the future so go check that out. That’d be great. Thank you.

Tom Arnold – Working at McDonald’s – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored – Extended


– It’s so fun.
You get so drunk.
You start a bonfire outside. You fucking firebomb anybody
that tries to get through the gates. A lot of times it’s your
cousin, you know. You don’t even care.[dark electronic music][bell dinging] Oh.
[chuckles] Nicely done. Yes. Mmm. Mmm! [moaning] [piglet whining]♪ ♪[fork clatters]♪ ♪[whining]♪ ♪[whining continues]♪ ♪Your mama’s so delicious.[cheers and applause]– This next man just finished
his 130th movie. Tom Arnold, everybody![cheers and applause]– I’m gonna tell you about some
jobs I had. I had a great job. I worked at a meat-packing
plant for three years. Anybody else done that? The Hormel meat-packing plant
in Ottumwa, Iowa. By the way, if you work on the
kill floor of a meat-packing plant, you
will get very drunk every day. Okay? There’s a documentary called
“American Dream”– It won an academy award in
1990– about our meat-packing plant. I voted for every strike that
came up. I didn’t even read the
paperwork, you know, and by the way, man, it’s so
fun. You get so drunk. You start a bonfire outside. You fucking firebomb anybody
that tries to get through the gates. A lot of times it’s your
cousin, you know. You don’t even care. And then people were
interviewing us outside, and they’re like, “Why are you
striking?” And I go, “I have no idea, but
it’s fucking fun, man. I know that.” And if you watch that
documentary, you see what happens. The company just fired us and
just changed the name of the business, and then they hired
people from other countries to work for half the pay. Yeah, anyway, it didn’t work
out too well, but my best job, I think, was
McDonald’s. So after that, I went to the
University of Iowa, and I needed money, right? So–first I applied at Pizza
Hut. But they made you take a lie
detector, so… and then they ask you
questions, you know, real personal ones, like, “Have
you ever stolen food,” and earlier in my life, I
worked on a farm. I grew up on farms, and I was
bailing hay for a guy. We all did–for 14 hours–
and this guy was supposed to pay us $1.40 an hour, and
he was an asshole, and he only gave us 70 cents an
hour, ’cause he said we drank too
much water. So I sold one of his cows. Anyway, that’s technically
stealing. I think it’s technically–
I did, for real. I don’t consider it stealing,
but anyway, so–and I had, like, a fucking
Pinto. It was a tough–anyway, but I
had those bungee cords. I mean, he was safe. Anyway, it’s a long story…
That’s true. So, I get this job
at McDonald’s in Iowa City. And it is the best job because, if you unload the truck
on Thursdays, you get one meal
of whatever you want to eat. So I would have eight Big Macs
with Quarter-Pounder meat and a Diet Coke. And then
I would start my workday, you know, feeling totally
sick and disgusting. And that’s–it’s shocking I became a drug addict
because of that. Anyway, but I loved there. I got to play Ronald McDonald for the kids on Sundays with terrible hangovers. It was just
a wonderful place to work. And all my friends loved it. You know how
your friends love it when you work at a place
like that, right? They fucking line up there. And they want free food.
You know? And it’s really hard
’cause they got computers, so you gotta pay attention and keep track of the food. And you have to pretend
you’ve thrown food into the hopper that
was in there too long, and you’ve thrown it away, so when you’re giving away
free food. And, you know–and by the way, all that food
that was in the hopper that they put into
a trash thing, I take home every night. And my roommates, we love it. And sometimes
we’d get a bad Filet-O-Fish or something
and somebody gets really sick. But anyway–
otherwise it’s a waste. It’s only been in there
12 hours, that’s fine. So… [light laughter, murmuring] And anyway… So, my buddy, Moe,
who’s still my buddy, you know, he comes in there
every Friday, and he wants
a bag of cheeseburgers. So I give him
a bag of cheeseburgers. I give all my friends whatever. And then I have to figure out
on the computer– you know, ’cause it makes you
real smart working there. And…and then I see Moe. He’s talking to the owner,
Kevin [bleep]. And they’re pointing at me. And I’m like, what’s going on? And he goes,
“This customer says you forgot some
of his cheeseburgers.” Like, my own fucking buddy
is narcing on me, who I just gave free– you know, that’s the kind
of friends I have, so… I also had a part-time job at
Paul’s Discount, and this really helped. And what I did to Paul’s
Discount was, every day I’d go into work, and
then I’d get a gym bag off the shelf, and I’d fill it
up with stuff that friends wanted me to
steal, and I’d go home with a full gym
bag, and the owner would take me
home. And every night, it was scary,
’cause it still had the things on it, and, you
know, the clips. And I just prayed he’d shut off
the security system as I walked by the cash
registers. And so it was a very exciting
place to work. And then–and then one day a
beer distributor came in and said he wanted some golf
clubs and stuff, and I said, “I’ll make you a
deal. “You drop off 50 cases of beer
at my house, and I’ll make this trade,” so
we–you know, a good deal for everybody. And–and it was a Friday night,
Iowa football game, so I knew we were gonna be
partying very hard, and also, McDonald’s,
we had this game going. And every time
you bought a bag of food, we put a game ticket in, and you could win a Big Mac
or a Big Breakfast or $5. And so, I was getting ready
to leave–it was Friday night. And I see a box of those,
6,000. And I’m like, fuck that.
I’m taking it home. So I take home the box, and me and my friends
stayed up all night. Our fingernails were–
were just destroyed, ’cause you gotta rip
the sides off. And in the morning, we had
157 free Big Breakfastes. And we’d been up all night with
the free beer. And it was, like, a real classy
party, like, you know, a brunch of
something, so, anyway,
we go down to McDonald’s. Since I work there,
I can’t cash it in. But my buddy Moe can. So I park behind the dumpster. And Moe goes in
and he goes up to the front. And he puts them up there
and he says, “I’d like
157 free Big Breakfastes.” And the lady goes, “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, did
you not read the fine print? It’s only one per visit.” And my friend Moe
is pretty smart. He’s like,
“Boy, the kids at the home are gonna be pretty sad.” And Kevin [bleep], the owner,
who’s still the owner, runs over and goes, “Sir, we will honor those. For the kids.” So the next thing I see is my buddy Moe
with a giant cardboard box full of Big Breakfastes. I’m like, holy shit, we did it. We did it.
Brilliant. And then right behind him
is Kevin [bleep], the owner of McDonald’s
with another big box of Big Breakfastes. And I realize, I’m gonna
be fired in about five seconds. And Kevin [bleep], that guy is such a jerk, he didn’t even
take the food back. He just looked at me in the car and just gave me that, “I’m… “I’m so disappointed. “I considered you assistant
manager material, Tom. You could’ve ended up
at Hamburger U.” Anyway, so that’s my last day
at McDonald’s. So…later in life… I know, it’s sad.
It was a great job. Later in life, I got sober, and when you get sober
you have to make a list of all the people
you need to make amends to. And mine was
a pretty extensive list. And…once I got past
the girlfriends whose credit I’d ruined,
I got to McDonald’s and Paul’s Discount,
and I sent them checks. And…I called Kevin [bleep]. And he’s such a nice guy,
he cried. And he wouldn’t take the money. He had to give it to
the Ronald McDonald House. How nice is that, right? ‘Cause I’d stolen, you know,
$10,000 worth of food. I mean, that’s pretty–
like, that is… The one thing I did do,
when I left, they stopped putting pockets
on the uniforms. ‘Cause I–you know.
Anyway… but there’s a happy ending,
because one time I hosted “Saturday Night Live.” And I got to play a McDonald’s
manager, And this was when Bill Clinton
was president and would always go to
McDonald’s. And the great Phil Hartman,
who I love too… Yeah, everybody… [cheers and applause] Most of the people that I love
are dead now apparently, but Phil Hartman was wonderful,
and I had– I played Kevin [bleep]. I had his name tag on there
as a tribute to that guy, so that’s a happy ending to
that story. Thank you guys very much
for being here.Thank you.– Tom Arnold, y’all.[cheers and applause]Yeah.

Indian Jobs & Interns | Stand-up Comedy by Punit Pania


I was travelling in an Uber recently and I was siting in the front seat because I am a nice guy Leg room….leg room chahiye tha And this guy starts talking suddenly, like he is supposed to “Sir, aapne woh picture dekha hai kya, Kingsmen?” ‘Woh to English hai na?’ “To kya ho gaya? Dekha hai kya?” ‘Nahi dekha yaar. Bol na, kya ho gaya?’ bolta hai, ‘Usme aakha story hai na – Reliance ka hai.” ‘Detective hai na koi?’ “Usme pata hai kya hai – Villain hai na villain…” “Woh sabko free main SIM card baant deta hai!” Then the car stopped at a signal. Wahaan ek mumfali waala aaya I thought lete hain. Then I thought do lena padega, usko offer karna padega Usko offer karna padega, he will say no, it will become awkard… By that time, he bought two, gave me one! …theek hai fir, yahi hai acche din shaayad See; these no, are modern Indian jobs Uber Driver Stand-up comic Pakode waala… People have been complaining that there is unemployment in the country Which I don’t feel is true I think it’s a matter of perception If you can re-brand a few things If you an re-brand begging – as crowd-funding …kitna jobs hai, sab log employed hai If you can re-brand daily wage workers as freelancers If you can re-brand a chai waala as a motivational speaker to desh badal sakta hai, hai na? Kitna jobs hai India main, why are people complaining? There are some uniquely Indian jobs Only in India you will find an automated vending machine employing a human being! It’s an IT job! At the metro station you will find there is a guy on the platform It is his job simply to keep people-from jumping-to death! This is his entire job description Woh poora din yahi kar raha hai ‘Bhaisaab peeche aaiye, peeche aaiye, peeche aaiye, thoda peeche…’ ‘Arre BC peeche aa na!’ ‘Dekhiye, dekhiye ye jo aa raha hai na ye… ‘…woh Maut hai!’ ‘Aur aap insaan ho, hai na?’ What a great job! Once a lady called me and she asked me to port to Vodafone while I was-on-Vodafone Yaani ye human capital nahi hai – ye human chillar hai! But if you really want to see how unemployed people are in this country You should go to a Sarvajanik Ganpati Visarjan Heights of unemployment Mawaaliyon ki paltan, har jagah pe Yaani raste ke beecho-beech Signal laal hai, rickshaw waala horn maar raha hai, Gaay hug rahi hai side pe ye aadmi naach raha hai! Tere baap ka shaadi hai kya? Have you ever wondered how is this guy so happy? How is he so motivated? What is – his CTC? Ek t-shirt – Do Samosa! Yahi hai na cost to company? ‘Bhaucha सौजन्याने’ He is also a freelancer Isn’t it amazing how this festival has grown from being a secret meeting for freedom fighters to…Sunburn for Sanskari people Every year you see Bigger hoardings, more sponsors LED screens! Aur log kama rahe hain, bahut I think you will see, do-teen saal main aayega Lalbaugcha Raja IPO aayega Usme karo invest, tax free! Season ke time main har film main gaana aa raha hai Ek Punjabi song, ek rap song, ek Ganpati song Ek gaana tha picture main, woh ga raha hai aisa – ‘Ganpati Bappa Morya – Pareshan kare mujhe choriyaan!’ Woh Ganpati ko dekh ke ga raha hai aisa! Ganpati bhi dekh raha hai Kya kay kar raha hai kamaane ke liye, sharam kar! Khuda ka khauf kar ! My favorite part of this festival are the hoardings of the organizers who are your local goondas You know some of them They are everywhere. And there are many people on the hoarding They are looking like Third World Avengers! Upar teen – Brahma-Vishnu-Mahesh Uske neeche dus hai, manager level ka goonda hai woh Uske neeche bees hai, intern level ka goonda hai woh Usme ek goonda photo ke andar baat kar raha hai phone pe aisa Photo ke andar! Sponsor ko phone kar raha hai – Eh hafta bhej! Aur ek goonda hai usne photo ke andar rumal baandha hai chehere pe aisa Photo ke andar! kyonki case chalu hai na Par contribute bhi karna hai society ko, kaise karega? See, I admire these guys I look up to them Because I feel they are self-starters Ye log har saal khud ka appraisal khud hi kar rahe hain! Every year you see the goonda rising up on the hierarchy – of the hoarding First year he is – Karyakarta phir Swayamsevak phir माननीय अतिथि phir Contractor phir… Jail phir Parliament! phir ek-do scam – to banta hai na? CTC main aata hai Aur phir London! What a great career graph!! Because in this country Behind every successful man there is a National bank Waiting to go bankrupt! Apun khaali-fukat MBA kar liya Market ke behekaave main aa ke When I passed out, MBA was the… Jio sim card of my time Sab log kar rahe hain ‘Arre rakhna ek kaam aayega, arre rakhna…’ ‘…just in case, kaam aata hai ye sab cheez ‘Arre meri Ma ke paas do hai, rakh na ek!’ JIO sim cards are so cheap right? I heard these sim cards are so cheap ki log Dance bar main JIO sim card phek rahe hain aisa! Brands don’t want growth anymore They want world domination. Kuch bhi growth ho raha hai I heard that IIM Indore has a Mumbai campus – in Belapur! Yaani is main kaun kisko chutiya bana raha hai samaj nahi raha… Then someone told me ye campus nahi hai Woh building hai do maale ka bus Us main ek khidki hai Wahaan se Xerox bahar aata hai Ki ye le beta tu bhi MBA aaj se – chal aage! I grew up middle-class like most comics are supposed to Then I thought aage aane ka hai life main MBA kar liya Dekha – sab log kar liya tha Sab log MBA Sab log manager Sab log Bangkok I thought ye nahi chalega yaar Apne ko alag karna hai kuch life main. Alag karna hai ki nahi? So then I started doing stand-up after that… 🙂 …Ab ye bhi sab log kar rahe hain! Sab log hi jar rahe hain, dekha hoga aapne Stand-up has become the Goa of career options Par kya hai… Goa jaate bahut log hain Umeed le ke (uncles in audience getting nostalgic) Waapis aate hain Kaju leke! All jobs are the same now, all hobbies are also the same I think most of us here will agree sub-consciously that if you really like doing something – it’s not a job If you like it it can’t be a job right? Which is why artists find it very difficult to get paid for their work Coz people are like: Tereko to maza aa raha hai na… Paisa bhi chahiye! Kitna laalchi aadmi hai ye Sharam kar! Khud ka khauf kar! Ye le JIO sim card le naach! To exposure bahut milta hai sim card milta hai kabhi kabhi Paisa nahi milta. So I have decided I will change This is not working As an artist you can’t go through life I’ll become a…corporate artist or a brand The worst of both worlds! I’ve started, I’ve got a company of my own now It’s called Chalta Hai Comedy Yeah, for real dude, Chalta Hai kuch bhi! And at first I thought kaise karenge Naya company hai, unknown company hai How will I get people? Who will work for me? …log kahaan se aayenge? A friend said, “Dude, tere ko log nahi chahiye…” “…tere ko interns chahiye yaar.” ‘Intern log nahi hote kya?’ “Nai nai, arre, interns are sub-human species!” “Kuch bhi kar, ek taapli maar, usko bol ek coffee leke aa intern, idhar aa chal!” “Uska naam bhi nahi yaad rakhna pata hai tereko?” And he was right, bahut log hain They need experience – you need feel good about yourself It works! 10-15 aa gaye aise hi And now I know that they are not really employees also. They are just people who pretend to work for you And you prepare to pay them. Symbiotic relationship And I am learning from them They are you people. They don’t want the same things in life They don’t want sick leave, casual leave. They want… Break-up leave! Le phir! (Break-up, aur kuch nahi) One guy took a long leave He just didn’t inform me about it Chale gaya kahin pe… (Goa hi gaya rahega) 15 days black out! He cam back, I said, “Kahaan pe tha tu?” Bolta hai, “I had gone away to find myself.” Waapis aaya abhi bhi woh chutiya hi hai… Which is why I think that this is the only way to grow I am going to keep on hiring interns coz you can’t do it on your own You need people to work for you In fact now I feel that throughout human history Interns have been useful in doing the biggest projects for mankind Thoughout history Pyramids kaun banaya? Interns! Masjid kaun toda? Interns! AIB ka memes kaun banata hai? That’s how empires get built On the graves of interns! Nameless, faceless, penniless, blameless labourers Lanka kaun jalaya? It was a private army of interns right? And they did great work par unko mila kya badle main? Ek t-shirt – Do Samosa!

Trump Fakes a Deal: The Daily Show


as the Obama administration
is coming to a close, uh, unemployment has plunged
to a nearly nine-year low. When Obama came to office,
it was at 7.8%. Now it’s at 4.6%, which is really good. -(applause)
-But… but-but, you see, America’s
future is not about being good– it’s about being great. REPORTER:Trump promised to keep
Carrier jobs in the U.S.
He says Carrier’s gonna bring
back those jobs to Indiana. He, as president,
will make it happen. I’m gonna call up Carrier, and I’m gonna tell the head
of Carrier, “I hope you enjoy your stay
in Mexico, folks, “but every single unit
that you make “and send across our border,
which now will be real, you’re gonna pay a 35% tax!” (cheering) And you know
what Carrier’s going to do? They’re going to call me
in 24 hours, and they’re going to go,
“Mr. President, “we’re moving back
into the United States, we’re going to build
in the United States.” -(applause and cheering)
-That’s what’s going to happen, 100% sure! Man, say what you want
about Trump, but he really kicks ass
in imaginary negotiations -against himself.
-(laughter) “Then Carrier’s gonna say
they’re sorry, “and everyone will shout
my name. “Then, Rosie O’Donnell
will be like, “‘Donald rules, and I drool.’ “Then the failingNew York Times
will print a headline “that says,
‘Air-Conditioner Factory Stays, -Trump Keeps His Cool.'”
-(laughter) “And it’ll be a great pun, and
everyone will laugh at the pun, “and they’ll say,
‘Great pun, Donald!’, because they’ll know
it was really my pun!” (laughter) And by the way, by the way,
it’s easy to see why Trump wants more
air-conditioning in America. -Look at his face there.
-(laughter) He was sweating so much,
he looks like he’s doing an impression
of Fat Bastard. -Like, what is he…
what is he doing? -(laughter) (with Scottish accent):
“Get in my country.” (laughter) But… but…
and this is crazy. Once Trump won the election,
he actually did it. He got on the phone,
negotiated with Carrier, and he made his first deal. WOMAN: The air-conditioning
giant tweeted last night, “We are pleased
to have reached a deal “with President-elect Trump
& VP-elect Pence to keep close to 1,000 jobs
in Indy.” MAN:
The deal is extremely popular. 60% of registered voters saying it gave them a more
favorable view of trump. Wow. Yes. After Trump’s deal, some people
see him in a better light. “He saved 1,000 peoples’ jobs,
and he grabbed zero pussies? -Wow!” (chuckles)
-(laughter) “Maybe we should give
this guy a chance!” But before
you give him a chance, you may want to examine the
Carrier deal a little closer, because,
like Donald Trump’s hair, -there’s something that’s just
a little off. -(laughter) Numerically,
there are some… issues here. Donald Trump,
during his speech, said that there were about
1,100 jobs saved. It turns out it’s probably more
like 800 jobs that were saved, 300 that he was referring to were actually never going
to move in the first place. It’s not a sustainable strategy to save 800 or 1,000 jobs
at a time. WOMAN:
The deal gives the heating
and air-conditioning company
seven million dollars
in state tax breaks
over ten years.
What Trump is doing is setting
a very dangerous precedent. My guess is today,
there’s some corporation who may not have thought one
second about leaving America– now they’re going to announce, “Hey, we’re going to Mexico,
we’re going to China. Hey, Mr. Trump,
what you gonna do for us?”-Bernie!
-(laughter)-Bernie!
-(applause and cheering) (Noah crying) We should have listened to you,
Bernie! -(laughter)
-(Noah crying) You know every time
Democrats see Bernie Sanders, they’re like, “Damn,
I wonder what could have been.” (laughter) But he’s right. It’s not sustainable for
the government to pay companies to keep uncompetitive jobs
in the country. But now that other companies
have read Carrier’s blackmail script, they could also
threaten to leave and wait for those sweet, sweet
tax breaks to roll in. It’s like that children’s book. If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to want to (bleep)
you in the ass. -(laughter) -You guys had
the same book, right? -It’s the same book.
-(laughter) And by the way, by the way, I love how Donald Trump made it
like, “I told Carrier what to do,
and they did it!” No, no, no,
that’s not what happened. They threatened something,
Trump paid them the money, and they still sent hundreds
of jobs to Mexico. Like, Trump would be the worst
hostage negotiator in the world. He would be just like,
“Come out with your hands up! “Free all the hostages! “No? “All right, you asked for it! We’re sending in a million
dollars and more hostages!” (laughter) “All right, cover me, boys. I’m going in to give him
a hand job. Cover me.” (laughter) (applause and cheering) -(audience whooping)
-Worst negotiator ever. Oh, there’s another aspect
of this deal, uh, but it has good news
and bad news. The good news is:
Carrier has agreed to invest more money
into their factory. The bad news is:
it’s gonna be like Westworld. Updating the plant
will result in more automation and an important consequence. We’re gonna make a $16 million
investment in that factory… That sounds good,
except they’re doing it to automate
the manufacturing process, which will shed jobs. As bad as this deal is, what makes this so good
for Donald Trump is that it gives the illusion that he’s done
something meaningful. That’s what Trump is all about,
is the show. Because all
the headlines say is: Trump saves a thousand jobs! Which, don’t get me wrong,
I acknowledge is something for every single person
whose jobwassaved. I don’t deny that. But at the scale the president
is supposed to work on, that’s barely
a drop in the bucket. It’s all about
“the thousand jobs.” What abouteveryone’sjobs?
You got to create jobs as well. This is basically a classic
con man move, you know? A con man makes you focus
on what youthinkyou can get, and distracts you
from everything that you stand to lose. -(applause)
-That’s all it is. And look… look, the Carrier deal
might have some benefits. But it would be naive to ignore
all of the side effects. In fact, I have a proposal. Every time
Trump makes a promise, he should be forced
to include the fine print. And you know what
Carrier’s gonna do? They’re gonna call me
in 24 hoursand they’re gonna go,
“Mr. President,
(fading): we’re moving back
into the United… WOMAN:Donald Trump’s promises
are not intended
to be taken seriously.The number of jobs
will be lower than promised.
Side effects could include
massive corporate tax breaks,
higher consumer costs,and companies giving the jobs
to robots anyway.
Ask your doctor if your economy
is healthy enough for Trump.
He’ll probably say no,
but (bleep) him,
make America great again.

Dane Cook – Working at Burger King


FIRST JOB I HAD. BURGER KING. [woman laughs] [mocks laugh] [laughter] I’LL COME UP THERE, MA’AM. MY BROTHER GOT ME THE JOB TOO. MY BROTHER GOT ME THE JOB. MM-HMM. HE WAS THE MANAGER,
AND HE GOT ME THE JOB. YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE COOL,
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HE’S MY BRO, BUT HE WAS A [bleep]. [laughter] HE THOUGHT HE WAS
THE BURGER KING. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? HE WOULD PUT ME ON DRIVE-THRU
EVERY NIGHT. WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON YELLING
AT THE DRIVE-THRU? YOU KNOW,
IT’S MODERN TECHNOLOGY. I’D BE THERE
WITH MY LITTLE HEADSET. “HI, WELCOME TO BURGER KING.
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?” [shouts]
“WHOPPER.” [laughter] “SIR–” [shouts]
“WHOPPER, NO ONION.
LARGE FRY.” [laughter] “EXCUSE ME, CHEWBACCA? “I’M BLEEDING
FROM THE EARS HERE, PACINO. “LET’S CALM DOWN. “ALL RIGHT. “WE’RE DEALING WITH FOOD,
NOT MISSILES HERE, GOVERNOR. NOW, DRIVE AROUND!” [laughter] I WOULD RATHER
HAVE HAD PEOPLE YELL. IT WAS WHEN PEOPLE
DIDN’T TALK LOUD ENOUGH. THAT DROVE ME CRAZY. YOU KNOW,
TEN CARS OUT THERE. I’D BE LIKE, “HI, MA’AM,
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?” [muffled, squeaky voice] “MA’AM, HELLO,
CAN I HELP YOU?” “I’LL HAVE THE PICKLES
AND THE SHAKES, “THE SHAKE AND PICKLES, “THE LARGE SHAKES
AND THE PICKLES AND THE PICKLES
AND THE PICKLES.” “ALL RIGHT, MA’AM. “APPARENTLY, YOU WANT
SOME PICKLES.

Key & Peele – Consequences


[school bell rings] [indistinct chatter] OKAY, STUDENTS, SETTLE DOWN. SETTLE DOWN. THAT INCLUDES YOU,
MR. RODRIGUEZ. DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THE MILK
CARTON OFF OF YOUR HEAD? THANK YOU SO MUCH. WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST TODAY. HE’S FROM THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, AND HE’S A FORMER GANG MEMBER, AND HE’S COMING HERE
THIS MORNING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT LIFE CHOICES. SO, PLEASE, GIVE A WARM
CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL WELCOME TO DONNIE HERRERA. [applause] – I USED TO BE JUST LIKE YOU… [melancholy piano music] JUST LIKE YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU. USED TO CLOWN AROUND… MAKE FUN OF THE PRINCIPAL… PUT MILK ON MY HEAD, JUST LIKE YOU, RODRIGUEZ. AND THEN… I GOT HIT WITH AIDS. CONSEQUENCES. GOT INTO SOME
REAL TROUBLE, BOY. STOLE FROM MY MOM AND DAD… STOLE FROM MY OWN SISTER! AND THEN ONE DAY… A PIANO FELL ON MY HEAD. – WHAT?
– CONSEQUENCES. – I FEEL LIKE
HE MISSED A STEP THERE. – GAVE ME 88 CONCUSSIONS, ONE FOR EACH KEY. YOU’D THINK I’M LEARNING,
BUT, NO. SEE, I’M JUST LIKE YOU. I GOT BACK OUT THERE, STARTED MAKING
SOME REAL CRIMES, HOMEBOY. OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. AND THEN… I GOT TRAMPLED
BY A HERD OF BUFFALO. – WHAT?
– CONSEQUENCES. – OKAY, DONNIE,
I THINK WE’VE HAD ENOUGH. – NOT DONE WITH MY STORY! I WAS LIKE YOU! I DECIDED IT’D BE COOL TO HANG OUT
WITH SOME OF THE TOUGH KIDS. MM. YOU KNOW
WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT. THEY WERE HANGING
ON THE STREETS LATE AT NIGHT. MORE THAN
CIGARETTE SMOKERS, HOMES. AND THEN… ONE DAY I GOT SHOT
OUT OF A CATAPULT. – THAT’S IT.
OKAY. – INTO THE MOUTH OF A DRAGON! – STUDENTS, EVERYTHING YOU’VE
HEARD HERE TODAY IS A LIE. – I DON’T LIE ANYMORE. – YOU’RE ALL EXCUSED. – LOOK AT ME!
– PLEASE, I APOLOGIZE. – I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE! – THANK YOU, AURELIO. I APOLOGIZE, DENISE. – SO I GOT REALLY DEEP
INTO CRIME. I DID A DRIVE-BY AT MY OWN
DAUGHTER’SQUINCEAÑERA!YEAH, SHOT UP EVERYBODY–
DEAD, KILLED! YEAH! YEAH! THEN I GOT SUCKED
INTO A WORMHOLE. CONSEQUENCES. – THAT’S IT. OKAY.
EVERYBODY GO. – I WAS IN ANOTHER DIMENSION, TRIED TO INTRODUCE
MY OWN PARENTS TO EACH OTHER. ALMOST FAILED.
ARM WAS DISAPPEARING. – I’VE HAD IT. – I INVENTEDJOHNNY B. GOODE
AT MY PARENTS’ PROM, AND AT THE LAST MOMENT,
THEY KISSED, AND IT CAME BACK. – THE FASTER WE GET AWAY
FROM HIM, THE BETTER. – BUT NOBODY BELIEVE ME! WHERE’S MY CRACK?
WHERE’S MY CRACK? OH. [booming crash] OH! CONSEQUENCES!